65: I was tiring

RYU

I woke up when the door was slammed. Napabangon ako at napahawak sa batok. I slept on the couch and that explains the pain on my neck and back.

Pero nakalimutan ko ang sakit ng katawan nang makita si Titless. She walked towards the stairs without looking at my direction. She probably didn't see me.

... But the couch faced the door kaya imposibleng hindi niya ako napansin.

Maybe she decided to not wake me at all.

"Titless!"

She stopped and looked at my direction with a blank face. Where's the titless who would immediately jumped towards me whenever she sees me?

She's tired, I could tell.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at hinalikan siya sa noo. I could feel her stiffed and took a step backward.

She's definitely tired.

I checked her body to see if she's not wounded or anything, thankfully she looked just fine. "Nag-alala ako kagabi na hindi ka umuwi. You're not answering your phone too."

"Maybe I didn't hear it," she forced and smile and resumed walking up the stairs. "I'll just take a shower."

Sinundan ko lamang siya hanggang sa kwarto namin. I sat on the bed and watched her walked around the room as if she's lifeless. Kumusta kaya ang trabaho niya kahapon? Did something happened that exhausts her?

She brought a towel to the bathroom and closed the door. Moments later, I heard the sound of the water. Tumayo rin ako at kumuha ng tuwalya para maligo. Maybe she's not in the mood to share a bath with me so maybe I'll just use the bathrooms downstairs.

***

Nang makabalik ako sa kwarto ay nasa banyo pa rin siya. I waited for her in my rooms and think of a way to relieve her. Kinuha ko ang binili kong massage oil. She could use a massage dahil mukhang pagod na pagod siya.

I waited for almost half an hour ngunit hindi pa rin siya lumabas. I began to worry kaya mabilis na kumatok ako sa pinto.

"Titless? Are you still inside?"

No reply.

I panicked and knocked louder. "Pi!"

Still no reply. This is making me so annoyed that I'm close to cussing as much as I could pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. She's tired and my losing temper would only worsen the situation.

"Pi? Buksan mo ang pinto, please."

When I haven't received any reply, I become impulsive and decided to forced the door open. I heard the sound of the wrecked locked and found Pi on the tub, lathering up.

Napatingin siya sa akin at nagpatuloy sa ginagawa.

What the hell? I would have understand if she fell asleep but no, she's wide awake and just decided to ignore me.

Is she testing my patience?

"Bakit hindi mo ako sinasagot? I've been calling you few times! Nag-alala ako na baka napano ka na rito sa loob!"

She looked at me with that tired eyes. "What would happen to me here? Gosh Ryu, you're overreacting."

That simple sentence made me heat up. I was overreacting?

"How's worrying became overreacting?!" I'm shouting, damn I am.

"What would happen to me inside the bathroom? Madulas? Malunod? Do I look that stupid?" Well she's mad too.

I have to cool down now that we're both mad. I sighed a bit. "Sorry, I was really worried." Lumapit ako sa gilid ng tub at naupo. I reached for her cheek and caressed it with my palms. "I'm sorry okay?"

She stared at me with very sad eyes. Her eyes roamed around my face as if she's thinking about something. Huminga siya nang malalim at mahinang tumango.

"You may leave."

I wasn't expecting she'll say that. It took me moments to question what she just said. "Pinapaalis mo ako?"

"Can't you see I want peace? Amd I'm naked."

"Pi, I am your husband. Do not act all prude by sending me out for no reason at all."

Huminga siya nang malalim at hindi na lamang ako pinansin. She absentmindedly played with the bubbles on the tub but I note how many times she sighed deeply.

I silently observed her from the side. I'm unused to this version of titless. No matter how tired, scarednor angry she is, she couldn't hide her arousal and always vocal about it.

I would have been mad for her deliberate ignoring pero inisip ko na pagod siya. The least I can do is not to bother her at all. But I missed her so bad that I don't want to take my eyes off of her.

I noticed how she was lost in her thoughts and somewhere she bit her lips in between deep sighs, a signed of anger and madness.

She is definitely angry over something.

She stood up from the tub at tumapat sa shower. I also stood up amd prepared her towel. Matapos siyang magbanlaw ay tahimik na tinanggap niya ang inabot kong bathrobe at tuwalya para sa ulo niya.

She muttered a low thanks before exiting the bathroom, glancing slightly at the wrecked door.

I. Was. Fucking. Worried.

Destroying anything that easily is normal especially when you're in adrenaline rush. Ngayong napagtuonan ko ng pansin ay masakit at may namumuong pasa sa kamao ko.

I followed her towards the room and sat on the bed as she get dressed. This is really bothering me. Ang alam ko ay kapag pagod siya o di kaya ay may problema, that’s when she becomes extra clingy to me, not cold as this.

Did I do anything wrong?

I waited for her to cool down a bit. Maybe she’s just having a rough day. Everyone else does, right? No matter how annoying it is, ayaw ko siyang pwersahin na kausapin ako at sabihin kung ano ang bumabagabag sa kanya.

I can wait. I waited over night, I can wait longer... right?

Minsan ay naiisip ko na napakalayo ko sa kung sino ako.

When Titless came, I felt like I am no longer the person I was.

I was rogue, brutish and overall unpleasant. I have thin thread of patience and I wanted everything done as I want it to be.

But that was me before what hit me big time.

Love, they say.

I couldn’t say it was a bad thing. I was actually surprise I was able to feel it. I was still the rogue and impatient person I am before but not to everyone.

I let Pi broke the walls I built around me.

Or maybe it was me who tore it so she could pass easily.

Narinig ko ang tunog ng blower na siyang pumukaw sa akin mula sa malalim na pag-iisip. She already dried some parts of her hair kaya tumayo ako at nagboluntaryo na ipagpatuloy iyon. I never did something like that but I am not so dumb not to know how to use a hair dryer.

“Let me?” I asked, watching her through the mirror.

Her lips parted open as she stared at my reflection. She had a lonely gaze in her eyes. Ayaw kong nakikita siyang ganoon. If I could only take away her pain at ako ang magdala niyon, malamang ay ginawa ko na.

She heaved a sigh and shook her head. “No it’s okay, I’m almost done.”

Pinagpatuloy niya ang ginagawa at ilang sandali lamang ay tumayo. She is avoiding me, it’s not hard to notice that. Sinundan ko siya nang naupo siya sa kama, shuffling through the drawers and found some books. She played it with her fingers but didn’t bother to pick one.

“Pi, you look tired, do you want a massage?” tanong ko sa kanya. Hindi man lamang niya ako nilingon nang umiling siya.

“No, thanks.”

Napatango ako sa sarili ko. “Or gutom ka ba? I can prepare-”

“No, I’m good.”

Still no luck.

This is seriously annoying.

“How about mom’s goodies? She left some cookies-”

I don’t need any of those.”

That’s it. I do not tolerate this behaviour. Why are we proclaimed man and wife kung ganitong sitwasyon lang din naman ang mangyayari gayong ilang ara pa lamang mula nang ikasal kami? Was the vow all lies?

“Look at me Pi,” wika ko sa seryosong boses. If there’s anyone who can fix this matter, kami lamang iyon. Kung anuman ang problema niya, bakit hindi niya iyon sabihin sa akin at hindi ganitong manlalamig siya at umaastang wala ako rito?

“Just because you seem upset over something does not give you a ticket to treat me like an annoyance,” I said.

She looked at me over her shoulders and opted to ignore me.

I grew angrier at her lack of response. If it was me before I met her, I would have shoot somewhere, or hit the wall to release my anger. This is just ridiculous. Kahit noong hindi pa kami mag-asawa, titless is never this cold! She would blurt out nonsense and threaten me to shoot my nuts or chop my dick!

Staying here would only be a bad idea. Ayaw kong lumala ang sitwasyon. Ayaw kong pwersahin siya na sabihin kung anuman ang problema niya. And this deliberate ignoring feels like a blade cutting deeper to me.

If she’s having a bad day, it’s hurting me too.

It hurts me much more than she can imagine.

I didn’t even think I would feel pain as this.

“Do you want me to leave?” pagsuko ko.

No reply.

This would be the time I’ll take silence as a yes.
But I don’t want to leave so I’ll take my chances.

“Pi, answer me. Gusto mo bang umalis ako?” tanong ko sa kanya, clenching my jaw and silently hoping she will say no.

“Do whatever you want,” sagot niya.

Hindi iyon ang gusto kong sagot.

“It’s only answerable by yes or no.”

She didn’t hesitate to answer. “Yes. Please leave.”

It fucking hurts.

“May I know why you want me to leave?”

She shrugged and didn’t bother to turn and look at me. “It’s just... I’m tired. Having you around is also tiring. Siguro hindi pa ako nakaka-adjust sa panibagong buhay na ‘to. I mean, I’m used to living alone and looking back, I missed the feeling of my bachelorette days. Biglaan kasi ‘to eh, hindi natin sinasadya diba? If only it didn’t happen I would have enjoyed partying or going anywhere at night sa halip na manatili sa bahay at damdamin ang mga cramps, pagkahilo at kung ano pang epekto ng pagbubuntis. If only I knew, I shouldn’t let that happen. How about we’ll unwind? Mula kasi nang mabuntis ako, I always have you around.” Mapaklang tumawa siya. “It was actually tiring. Ganoon pala ang epekto ng pagbubuntis no? Well anyway, go take a break too.”

It took everything I had not to grab her and made her say that she didn’t mean it.

I could only smile bitterly, nodding slowly upon the thought.

I was tiring.

She missed her old life.

And again, it was tiring to have me around.

I nodded slowly and went straight to the door before some treacherous tears escaped my enduring not to tear up over this conversation.

#

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