43: never put on the regret list

RYU

"Anong gagawin ko ngayon?" she asked in distress. Magulong-magulo ang kanyang buhok dahil sa ilang beses na pagsabunot niya sa sarili.

To make it clear what's really going on, I supposed I am internally happy about this news while she feels the exact opposite.

"Sit down Pi and we'll figure out how to settle this matter," sabi ko sa kanya.

"I can't be pregnant!"  she insisted.

"Why not?"

I see no problem in it. She's at the right age to bear a child, she's financially stable, WE are financially capable, with that our kid will have a secured future.

Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi at pinipigilan ang pag-iyak. "I will be one of the worst mothers in history."

"You haven't given yourself a try Pi." Could she really say so?

"I'm not having this baby."

I felt a surge of anger. Woman said what?!

"A-abort... Or whatever. Hindi ko alam," wika niya at tuluyan nang naiyak. Ngayon ko lang din napansin na nakakuyom na pala ang kamao ko.

She's thinking of terminating the baby? Huh she would really be the worst mom in history. And as if I will allow it!

" Abort?!... what? Nababaliw ka na ba?”

She cried even more. “Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. I don’t want a baby.”

“Why not?!” tanong ko. This is making me so angry.

“I’m... I’m not ready yet.”

“Do not give me that bullshit Pi. The moment we fucked without protection, we didn't think about getting ready so why use that as an excuse now?! ”

She sniffed even more. If I wasn’t angry, malamang inalo ko na siya at pinatahan pero hindi. She’s thinking of aborting our baby. How could she even think of that?

We’re on this together, pregnancy is not a one-man matter. We did this together kaya kung ano man ang mga diskusyon tungkol dito ay kailangang kami rin ang gumawa.

This is our fault. I admit may kasalanan ako, I was only thinking of my damn dick, ni hindi man lamang sumagi sa isipan ko ang proteksyon. We had sex not by accident! So this baby isn’t by accident too.

She’s crying and she’s actually hyperventilating. I saw her tumbler on the side kaya kinuha ko iyon at inabot sa kanya matapos iyong buksan. “You need to calm down Pi.”

She chugged on her water and somewhat calmed for a bit. Her mascara was smudged all over her face but that’s not what matters now.

Being parents means responsibilities. Maybe we’re not ready, yes pero hindi iyon rason para magdalawang-isip kung itutuloy ba ang pagbubuntis.

Just imagine living and knowing your parents considered once to terminate you? Hindi ko man iyon naranasan, alam kong hindi iyon maganda sa pakiramdam.

“You need to calm down first before we have to talk this over, okay?” mahinahong wika ko sa kanya. Now I’m also calm after my internal outburst after she said she’s considering abortion.

Her tear-filled eyes scanned me for a while before she nodded. “... Okay.”

“May gusto ka bang gawin para kumalma?

She yawned. “I want to sleep.” At muli siyang napahikab.

I positioned us on the bed, pulling her towards me so she could use my arm as my pillow. Hindi siya nagreklamo at nahiga na lamang na nakaharap sa akin. She’s still tearing up as she peered at me.

“You’re not worried about our situation?” tanong niya.

“You’re freaking out enough for the two of us,” sagot ko.

She sighed then yawned again. “I hate this, I just woke up, bakit inaantok ulit ako.”

“That’s what pregnant women--”

She punched my gut!

Hard!

I groaned. “Hey!”

“Stop calling me pregnant! I am not!”

Woman! So  stubborn!

Hinila ko pa siya papalapit sa akin. “Sleep for now Pi.”

She just hummed before she drifted away in her slumber.

***

Pi

I woke up with my leg tangled on Rocket’s, na mahimbing na natutulog sa tabi ko. He had one arm slung over me. I tried to move away ngunit mahimbing ang tulog niya at tiyak kong madidisturbo ko siya.

I yawned and decided to go back to sleep.

Nang magising ulit ako ay ramdam ko ang mahihinang haplos niya sa likod ko. Binuksan ko ang mga mata, and I was right. He's staring at me.

"Morning."

Ngumiti siya nang matamis.

What?! This is one of the rare times I've seen this devil. What's up?

"Morning," ganting bati niya sa akin. I moved a way a bit and observed him.

"Why are you smiling like an idiot?"

He smirked at me.

Oh. Sayang. Sana di ko na lang pinuna. Malamang matagal-tagal pa bago ko siya makitang ngumiti ulit.

"Guess you had enough sleep already. Pwede na nating pag-usapan ang tungkol sa... bata."

Napahinga ako nang malalim. I wasn't dreaming with all that happened. He's still here at gustong pag-usapan ang problemang kinakaharap namin. The hundreds of PT kits were still at the foot of the bed. The other three which I used were on the side. See? Hindi iyon panaginip.

Maybe I am really pregnant.

This made me want to cry again but a part of me... was torn on how to feel. A baby is a blessing, that is for sure. I love babies and I get along with kids, a lot but... In fact, I am a regular donor and volunteer in an orphanage and child houses.

But... Me as a parent? Hindi ko maimagine.

And I don't want my baby to see how cruel this world could be. There were pain, poverty, failures and other matter to deal with.

Babies are too pure for this world.

And it could be my weakness.

"Huwag mong isiping ipapa-abort iyan. I won't allow it. You may be the one carrying it but it's still mine," sabi ni Rocket.

Napalabi ako. The devil will be a father... Whoah.

"Paano kung hindi 'to sa' yo?" But I'm sure it's his baby! I am not fucking anyone at the moment kundi siya lang. There's no doubt this baby is his.

Naging madilim ang ekspresyon ng kanyang mukha. "Do not start me with this Pi."

Pikon.

"Or what if I'm not pregnant?"

He sort of stared at me. "You're showing signs of being pregnant. And... You looked bloated... A bit."

What the hell?

"Are you calling me fat?!"

He looked like he wanted to laugh ngunit pinigilan niya ang sarili. "No."

"No, you're calling me fat!"

This is making me even angry! Never ever ever call any woman fat! That's the golden rule!

"I'm saying you're pregnant," sabi niya.

Right. Iyon ang pinag-uusapan namin. Napabuntong-hininga na lamang ako. "Oh..."

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "It's life we're talking about here Pi. Life, and our own blood and flesh. Maybe this is my fault. If I know you don't want complications, I should have been careful, better yet haven't given up to my sexual urges."

"Are you regretting that we fucked?" nakataas ang kilay na tanong ko. Good fucks should never put on the regrets list!

"No," sagot niya. "But you're making me do the moment you started thinking about terminating the baby."

I felt a pang of guilt within me. See? I would be the worst mother. Ever!

At moments like this I always realized how much of a kid I am. At 26, I am still a kid, a child, a baby. Sa mga pagkakataong ito ay mas lalo akong nalulungkot. These are the moments when you realized how much a kid you still are, it's the time where you need a mother's guidance. Unfortunately, I have none.

And this baby is going to experience this some time soon.

Napayuko ako nang muling tumulo ang luha ko. "I'm sorry."

And I'm sorry for the baby. He's unlucky he developed in my womb.

"Just don't make that thought cross your mind again, got it?" he said and pressed my hand.

I slowly nodded.

"Good, now fix yourself and we'll both find a way to handle this. First, we need to talk to this person I know who can help us."

Napakurap ako. "Sino?"

"My mom."

Shit.

Right. I have no mother to discuss this with but he has.

Noooooo!

#

ShinichiLaaaabs✒️