trigger warning - self-harm-1

I hear sobbing, and for once it's not mine. I'm automatically alarmed. I can sense that two of the main sides just had an anxiety spike. I head for the larger one, unsurprised as it takes me to the crying.

I look at the door in shock. Why would DAD be crying? 

I can sense him fall into a panic attack, and decide that this cannot wait. I try the door handle. He locked it. I saw a dog door. I need to get to him. I dive through it. S--- my hips are stuck. I wriggle through, desperate. I just barely make it through, my shoulders and hips in pain. I ignore it and run towards the source of the crying. 

Patton is curled into a small ball, knees to chest. His face is streaked with tears, and his shaking quavers with each breath. At this point, touching him will only make it worse, so I focus on the one thing I can do right. I speak softly to him. 

"May I please try to... you know."

He nods, well beyond the point of speech. 

I concentrate solely on his pain, and gently reach out to him, not physically, but mentally. He accepts, and I reach into him and pull out a thread of anxiety. I bring it to my mouth and inhale. The silvery thread that represents a part of his anxiety glows incredibly strong, stronger than any I've seen. (Apart from myself) Once it dissolves in my brain, I'm taken to a collage of memories that caused Patton's anxiety. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I start crying and shaking, but he won't stop until I'm finished. I watch as the images play out.

Patton, around 2 or 3, staring at Logan, seeing him for the first time. Love.

Patton, around 5 or 6, telling Logan about his dreams and showing him a crayon drawing of a dog. Love.

Patton, about 7 asking politely for some cupcakes, Logan watching happily. Patton, seeing him watch. Patton blushing. Love.

Patton, 9 or 10, playing around with Logan on Christmas day. Running around. Logan looks up. Patton sees the mistletoe, and he turns bright red. Patton grabs Logan, and kisses him on the cheek. Both turn bright red, and Patton runs away. Love.

Patton, 12 and at his first party. Spinning the bottle. Logan grins at him from the other end of the bottle, almost turning purple from the blush. Patton's heart just about dies. He grabs Logan by the collar and gives him the most mind-blowing kiss. Love.

Patton, 13, giving Logan a friendship bracelet. He mumbles along about how he doesn't have to wear it, while Logan grabs it, puts it on, and smiles. He shyly hands Patton a bracelet of his own, and they promise each other. Forever.

Patton snaps out of his memories, and he's no longer sobbing, but quietly crying. I feel awful, shaking myself, but the bittersweet memories keep me trying. I pull another thread, even brighter. Inhaling, I brace myself.

Patton, looking up at Logan with something close to unbridled devotion. Logan telling him he's the best friend. Pretending he doesn't see the hurt, the pain.

Logan, almost crying with frustration after being called kiddo. Doesn't see Patton watching. Doesn't hear him whisper. Doesn't see the look on his face.

Patton, crying. Logan sees him and asks what's wrong. Patton kisses him and he faints. Patton tucks him into bed, and the next day pretends it's just a dream.

Logan yells at him. Patton says he'll never understand. He can't feel. Just a robot. He sees the tears on Logan's face and hates himself.

Patton crying over an open notebook. Words saying He'll never love you. He'll never love you.

Patton singing along to a love song. Logan says it's stupid. Patton hides the tears behind a smile and shuts it off. 

Trigger #1

Patton, crying over a knife, words etched into his skin. "He'll never love you." 

Trigger over

Patton, pretending nothing hurts him. Strong, but so weak.

Now I'm crying, an epic love tragedy laid before my eyes. One more. Just one more.

The last silver thread is on fire. It's so hard to intake. But I do.

Logan, so obviously in love with someone. Not Patton. Not Patton. Not Patton.

I gasp, hyperventilating.

But Patton breathes fine. He's ok.

The pain aches through every cell, but it's not mine, so it fades. I look at Patton. One arm is covered in cracks. 

I gasp, this isn't supposed to happen. Maybe if Patton's heart breaks... so does he.