☾ ☽

dan frowned, squinting at the words in front of his eyes. he shifted his arms uncomfortably, moving the flashlight across the page. the words seemed to be shrinking away, probably from dan staring at them for hours now. he was distracted, he had only finished a page and a half in the last twenty minutes.

it was one of jarvis's "busy weeks", which meant clients around every day of the week, and fancy dinner parties every night. dan was instructed to stay in his room, keep quiet, and for no reason should he take off his shoes. which was a bit conflicting, considering dan was fairly certain anyone from miles away could hear him when he walked in those things.

but dan didn't want to get in trouble, getting in trouble was the worst thing he could do right then, so he did as he was told. which was why right then he was huddled under a blanket with a flashlight, so that the sound of turning pages couldn't be heard from downstairs.

dan pushed some hair behind his ear, his eyes following the words across the page.

the books that phil had suggested were quickly becoming his favorites; some were a bit more advanced for him, or in an older language, but he could understand enough to like them. the others were easier, but they were just as good. dan reminded himself to ask phil about a few of them.

he could hear talking below him, and the scraping of chairs, and he sighed. he missed living normally, not that he had experienced much of it. what he did remember, though, he missed.

dan pushed the heavy blanket off of him, breathing in the significantly cooler air. he wrapped his arms around himself tightly.

his eyes automatically went to the window on the other side of the attic, the one overlooking the town. when he was younger he used to fantasize about it. about jumping from it. maybe flying, maybe falling, either way, it would be better than where he was.

he used to perch on the sill, let his feet dangle above the ground, and he would see how far out he could lean before he chickened out. it was a dangerous game, but it made him feel some kind of way.

dan found himself reaching for his shoes. he didn't sleep in them unless there were people over late, for fear of sleepwalking. blaming loud noises on a cat was better than a sleep controlled boy walking downstairs leaving a trail of flowers in the wood behind him.

but they hurt, the metal was digging into dan's ankle, so he unstrapped them slowly, setting them aside.

he slid off the bed, his night gown flowing around his knees. he tiptoed to the window, glancing down to watch the lacy flowers beneath his feet.

his feet were bruised, covered in tiny scratches and scars, and he sighed. he wished it didn't cost constant pain to keep his secret.

he carefully clambered onto the windowsill, slowly dragging his feet over the ledge, his heart thrumming in his chest. he bit his lip, feeling more on edge than he should have.

his fingertips brushed over the wood below him, as he realized it was the only thing keeping him from plummeting to the ground.

he wanted to see fireworks.

dan gazed straight ahead, his focus blurring and offering him a hazy view of the sky above his town, the sun peeking over the hills, almost completely gone from view, plunging dan into darkness.

he wanted to go swimming in a river, or hold someone's hand, or climb a tree.

the gentle breeze blew some of dan's messy hair into his face, but he left it. there was no point to moving it anyways.

he wanted to have his first kiss. he wanted to feel what it was like to kiss a boy. what it was like to dance with someone, without anchors attached to your feet.

he shut his eyes. he was alone, wasn't he? completely alone in the world.

he wanted to go to the beach, and swim with someone, and be held. he wanted to go to the ocean and never leave.

dan forced himself to get off the ledge, backing away. he felt wetness on his cheeks, but he hadn't remembered starting to cry.

before he could think too long, or fall too deep into thought of what he wanted and didn't have, he rushed back to his bed. he buried his face in the pillows, sobbing silently and wrapping his fragile shaking body in his blanket.

he fell asleep after a few moments of crying.

he dreamt of ocean blue eyes.