❝ I believe there is penance in yearning. There is poverty in giving too much of your heart. When your desire for another is not returned in equal measure―nothing in the world could compensate for the shortfall. Sometimes the loneliest place to be is in love. ❞

( LANG LEAV ━━━━━━ THE LONELIEST PLACE )

     She often tells victims or their relatives to breathe and count to five, to rethink and regroup their thoughts:

    One.

     Find something to focus on. Could range from a photo in a frame which brings a sense of permanence and stability against a maroon wall in a suddenly too-empty feeling house to a pile of leaves the chorus of green, their veins sweet flowing waters within. Monica's mind would always go back to the hospital. She arrives to the navy double doors, which have drab chrome handles and a plastic band affixed in the middle. In order to get a glimpse of the corridor that extends beyond and is divided into little squares by the thin wire in the glass panels, Monica would shift her focus away from the highly polished linoleum floor. Without pausing, she would push against it with her entire weight, but she didn't need to—it opens silently and effortlessly. Her face would be met by a warm breath of air that was tinged with bleach. Magnolia walls in front of her are filled with ancient, black-and-white pictures of hospital employees who are almost certainly dead or rocking their nineties in a retirement community. The corridor features curved walls rather than straight ones and vanishes from view after around 100 metres. She walks past a set of doors with a hand sanitizer dispenser: for oncology, geriatrics, and maternity. Monica Choung would focus at the hospital on one, never her new field of work with the FBI.

     Two.

     Hold your breath, just for a second to control the panic. The lack of pure breath is felt within the body, that feeling of tiredness and lethargy. In that sense of panic, the lungs work to bring in the desperately required oxygen, even then they will continue to feel as if they are drowning in air. In this time, Monica Choung would lead them outside, as the only way to feel better is through the fresh air, to sit outside even if only for a while. The fresh air is better, cleaner and in that second they are no longer drowning. She grew up learning how to manage her panic. In a world where everything is a fight to the death, that cost her health but provided her a survival advantage. Her body and brain suffer harm as a result of high cortisol levels. Monica Choung, for the most part oblivious to stress and fear. She was able to live longer thanks to it, but she will probably pass away sooner as a result. Though it shouldn't be, that is the current situation. When will we have a world in which children can grow up free of panic?

     Three.

     Release the built-up pressure. Usually in sync with a free breath came a cry, two overwhelming weights needed to be gone. A cry in peaceful times summons the cavalry, attention, and affection. You can be sure that the cries on these days are coming from the desperate in pain as the deeper wounds are being cut by sharp knives since it brings greater misery and solitude. And at these times, some discover the secret of self-healing, learning how to awaken in silence, heal in silence, and offer themselves until the day comes when it is true—and they are. Maybe this is where we are right now—with the self-healed prepared to join the army of aid, the ones who will right the ship with patient love and instruction. Not many could heal in a second, but some would try... Monica Choung needed to try.

     Four.

     Listen. She may excel in healing the physical wounds, but she has learnt that the emotional are bonded by focus. Focus on the good of all, yet also focus on health too. For as a broken atom cannot make a whale, broken people cannot make a society. So rather Monica Choung would suggest to fix yourself in body, brain and soul. Find determination, but do not be confused with stubbornness. Passion and obsession, single-mindedness and focus are synonyms for being stubborn and determined. So whether they view the FBI or the UnSub in the light or the dark, it's a mirror of their own neurology. Are you cold or empathic? Was she considerate or ruthless?

     Five.

     Count to five again, the image becomes clear in your mind, your job becomes easier. One. Identify your victims. They are the key to the puzzle. Two. Understand the nature of the crime, the certain marks on their body. Three. Become the UnSub, they are the puzzle and you now have the key. Four. Save those tempting the balance of death and life, end that controlling theirs. Five. Pray the victims don't haunt you at night, not with the rest of the blood omens... Killed by a bunch of deadbeats.

     And Six, perhaps just for good luck.

     Keep your work and personal lives apart. Only more damage can come from more exposure.

MONICA CHOUNG ━━━ Sandra Oh

CHANDLER FULLER  ━━━ Penn Badgley
NYDIA GILMORE ━━━ Yaya DaCosta
AUBREY ORTEGA ━━━ Adam Samberg
AJAY GUPTA ━━━ Dev Patel
GRANT ANDERSON ━━━ Adam Brody
VERONICA CHOUNG ━━━ Sandra Oh
FELIX BARLOWE ━━━ Diego Luna
AARON HOTCHNER ━━━ Thomas Gibson
EMILY PRENTISS ━━━ Paget Brewer
ELLE GREENAWAY ━━━ Lola Glaudini
JENNIFER JAREAU ━━━ A.J Cook
DEREK MORGAN ━━━ Shemar Moore
PENELOPE GARCIA ━━━ Kirsten Vangness
SPENCER REID ━━━ Matthew Gray Gubler
JASON GIDEON ━━━ Mandy Patinkin
OTHER CHARACTERS ━━━ As Described
CM CHARACTERS ━━━ CM Cast

Kai's Notes !

I. i created moni about two days after starting this show mainly because ive wanted to use sandra oh as a faceclaim for literally years and years, but also because this can be a very character growth plot line rather than romance, as motchi (moni and hotch) are extremely slow burn. but moni is one of my favourite people to exist rn and just everything about her makes me happy. however, on the romance, this book can be classified as an emily prentiss story as well, since s2-3 is their time.

II. finding gifs for young sandra oh was literally the hardest thing in existence i am so angry about that. but i wanted to use gifs which fit the age appearance of how i visual moni per each season. ON THAT NOTE the acts of this book will combine two seasons together. for example, act ONE will be season one and two together. me doing this also means that i wont write every single episode per season, but rather half as to not have a book worth for each act because a lot of them are insignificant to moni's character development. this does mean ill miss out on your favourite episodes maybe (im literally missing out on ep14 of s1 which is my favourite episode) but for moni, it works that way and i am sorry in advance for it. another note regarding the chapters, they will be long!! i am hoping to reduce an episode to two chapters each, meaning they are going to be extremely long!

III. DEDICATIONS for this book go to my platonic soulmate rey and my soulmate naz as well as to my irl bff mikee who is the reason this book exists in this depth. i love you all so much and you all deserve the world <33

IV. i hope everyone enjoys this story, i will try and update it somewhat regularly but since the chapters are so long it might take longer than needed. however, comments and votes will increase the publishing rate!!

WARNING WARNING !!! this book contains adult language, deceptions of brutal crimes (including torture, shootings, murders, rape, sexual assault), death, references to sexual activity and nudity, alcohol usage, drug and alcohol abuse, animal abuse, racism, homophobia