(A/N: This section contains alcohol and opioid abuse as well as suicidal ideation. Please read with caution.)

I turned on the shower when I got home and stripped off my clothes. The sight of blood on my panties made me cringe. My mom was still sleeping, and I was glad I didn't have to discuss my night with her. I didn't have the energy to take off my makeup before stepping into the warm water.

I scrubbed my body with soap and used a facial cleanser to, hopefully, get rid of my make up. Again, I squirted more body wash on my scrunchie and tried to scrape off every last bit of the night. I washed my hair with shampoo and let my conditioner sit. While I waited, I decided I needed more body wash. I felt disgusting, like I needed to peel off layers just to get to my own self. I rinsed the conditioner out and added one more layer of body wash just to be safe.

I felt like puking. My stomach turned from too many white claws and shots. I stuck my finger down my throat and almost immediately started throwing up. I wanted to get rid of this night as much as possible. I washed my body one last time before finally sitting in the corner of the shower, letting the water roll off my body.

By the time I got out, it was 5:30, and I knew Liam would be waking up soon for school. I wanted to text him, but I wasn't drunk anymore, meaning I had no courage. I put a long sleeve shirt and pajama pants on before heading to the kitchen and finding my moms bottle of vodka. It was a good thing she was an alcoholic and always had some in stock. At this rate, I seemed to be an alcoholic too. I slammed down as much as I could before gagging, feeling as though I might vomit again.

I locked my bedroom door, so my mom wouldn't see me when she woke up or try to talk to me. I buried myself under my blankets and pulled out my phone.

"Can we talk?" I sent the text to Liam.

I stared at my ceiling, picturing Ryan's ceiling fan and the nights events. I don't think I comprehended anything that happened, and I wanted to keep it that way. Although I hadn't slept at all, I wasn't tired.

I checked my phone to see if Liam replied. It had only been a few minutes, but to my surprise he had texted back already.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Why are you awake?"

"Your text woke me up. What's wrong?"

"Oh. Sorry. Go back to bed."

My phone started ringing. "Good morning." I answered as cheerfully as I could.

"Are you okay?" Liam's voice was still raspy with sleep.

"I'm fine. I didn't mean to wake you." I felt bad for calling so early, but my heart ached less at the sound of his voice.

"No, it's fine. I have your ringtone set to wake me up just in case." He said.

"Oh." I pictured him laying in bed with no shirt on and tried to control my smile.

"So what's up?" He asked.

"Can we talk after school?" I asked.

"I have basketball practice until 5:30, but I can after." He said, before adding, "Do you want a ride to school?"

"I think I'm gonna miss school today." I replied.

"Why? Charlotte, is everything okay?" He asked again. I loved hearing him say my name.

"Yes. I just have...." I thought of an excuse "uh... food poisoning."

"Oh. I'm sorry." He said.

The phone was silent. I wanted to be selfish and continue talking to him, but I felt bad for keeping him, and I didn't have anything to say. I actually had lots to say, but I needed to see him in person. "I miss you." I finally said, feeling a lump in my throat.

"I miss you too, Charlotte." He replied. I let out a sigh of relief I didn't even know I was holding in.

"I'll see you after practice." I said before hanging up the phone.

It took me three hours of playing games on my phone before I finally fell asleep. I woke up around three with the worst hang over of my life. My head was pounding, and I wanted to puke every time I moved. I ran to the bathroom and began ejecting more of last night. After about five minutes, I stuck my fingers down my throat just to be sure I got it all.

I started the shower and stripped down. I still felt dirty after my first shower. The warm water felt good on my tense muscles. I didn't let this one last as long as the first, and I got out after one round of soap. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and broke down. My eyes were sunken in and still had a left over mascara and eyeliner smeared underneath. My lips were red and swollen from a mixture of myself and Ryan biting on them. I noticed a small bruise where my neck met my shoulder.

"You're so stupid." I mumbled to myself. I tried to force myself to stop crying but I couldn't. This was my fault.

I walked out of the bathroom and checked to see if my mom was home. I was relieved when she wasn't and hoped she wouldn't come back tonight. I went to the kitchen and brought the vodka bottle back to my room. I cranked my music and thought about what I was suppose to do now. I noticed I had a snap from Jo, Ryan, and Liam.

I opened Liam's first. "I hope you feel better." I smiled through the tears and thanked him.

Jo's wasn't as friendly. "Why tf did you sleep with Ryan? Are you fucking serious? Hope you weren't planning on coming to my house tonight."

Why did he tell her? I felt like an even worse person than I already did. I thought about what to reply with.

"Jo, I'm so sorry. I was really drunk, and I didn't want to. I'm so sorry I hurt you. Please don't be mad."

I opened the one I was dreading the most. "Charlie, I'm really sorry about last night. I was really drunk and never would have done anything if I knew you were a virgin."

I had nothing to say to him. What difference did it make if I was a virgin or not?

I needed somebody other than Ryan to touch me the way he did. It was all I could think about. I took a pull off the bottle and got to work. I tried to cover up my hickey with foundation and concealer, but it was still visible. I hoped Liam wouldn't notice. I opened my dresser and grabbed a pair of spandex I often wore to bed. I wanted a sexy shirt but also one that didn't show off my hickey. Nothing that I put on looked right, so I opted for a band t-shirt. I was immediately cold, so I added fuzzy socks as well.

I covered my face with make up in hopes I would look like a different girl. A girl who didn't sleep with someone her best friend previously had a thing with. A girl who didn't push beautiful boys like Liam away. And a girl who wasn't absolutely broken in every way.

By the time Liam texted me at 6:30 that he was on his way, I was drunk again. I would normally be embarrassed at how much I drank in the past 24 hours, but I was too drunk to care.

As soon as I heard Liam's knock, I opened the door and threw my arms around his neck. I forced tears back. He smelt like he always did.

"Hi." He said, and I felt one arm wrap around my waist. I never wanted him to let go. I held on for another minute before he pulled away. "Sorry it took so long. I wanted to shower before coming over. I also stopped at BoDiddley's and got you a soup and sandwich." He held up the bag in his free hand.

"Thank you." I grabbed it and set it on the kitchen counter.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, entering the apartment.

His hazel eyes met my blue ones, and I hugged him again. I forced my lips on to his and pushed my body against him. I was aware of how desperate I was acting, but my mind was too clouded to care.

He pulled away, and I whimpered at the loss of him. "Charlie, are you drunk?"

I stepped back and looked down at my fumbling hands. "I may have taken a few drinks."

"I thought you were sick?" He questioned.

I could hear the disappointment in his voice, and I had no excuses for my erratic behavior.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could think to say.

He sighed and leant up against the counter behind him. "What did you wanna talk about this morning?"

I bit my lip nervously. I didn't know what to say to him. I just needed him to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything was gonna be okay.

"Liam. I'm so sorry." I felt my lip quiver as tears welled up in my eyes. "I'm sorry about everything. I was horrible to you, and you were just trying to help. I should have let you help me."

He pulled me into him again and ran his hand up and down my back with the other one on my head. I curled my body into his and let myself crumble. If I never would have freaked out at Liam, I never would have gone to Ryan's, and I never would have slept with him.

"I'm still here, Charlotte." He kissed the top of my head.

"Do you hate me?" I asked and looked up at him, resting my chin on his chest.

"I could never hate you. You frustrate me, but I don't hate you." His lips slightly curled into a smile.

I wrapped my arms around his neck again and forced my lips on to his. This time he kissed me back. I loved the way his lips felt against mine. They tasted like spearmint. I pushed my hips into his, and he grabbed them with his fingertips. I missed this feeling. I craved this feeling.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, disconnecting his lips from mine.

I was, but not for food. I didn't answer before I pulled him back in. I bit his bottom lip gently with my teeth, and sucked lightly. My tongue slid over his lip, and I grabbed the neck of his shirt with my hands. I felt his fingertips dig deeper into my hips, and he slightly lifted my shirt to expose my skin. I needed to feel every piece and every inch of him, but it felt like I couldn't get close enough. I worked my hands down his long torso and pulled his shirt up. Our lips parted only momentarily to take it off before crashing again. He spun my body around and gripped the back of my thighs, right where my spandex ended. He lifted my body to the counter, and I wrapped my legs around him. He was just as hungry as I.

I wanted more though. I needed all of him, so I could get Ryan out of my head. I wondered what sex would be like if I actually enjoyed it. If I actually wanted it.

Liam's hands continue to slide up and down my thigh. I would normally be insecure about him feeling the cuts, especially because plenty were added in the past week, but he didn't seem to mind. My own hands felt every inch of his chest and abs before they landed on the hem of his boxers that was slightly higher than his jeans. I pulled his hips into me, and his hand tightened on my thigh. I moved my hands to the button on his pants and began fumbling with his belt.

"Charlie." He stepped back.

"Liam." I pulled his body back to mine and pecked his lips.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"You." I smirked at him.

"Where is all this coming from?" He asked but didn't wait for an answer before kissing me again.

He picked me up from the counter, and I laughed in amusement as he walked towards my bedroom. I held on as tight as I could, so he didn't drop me. He planted kisses on my face which kept me giggling. When we got to the room, he closed my door behind him and tossed me on the bed.

"You did this on purpose." He stayed standing, but opened my legs so they were on either side of him and leant his body over mine. He held himself up by his arms. I noticed the veins sticking out on his forearms, and it really showed how toned he was.

"What?" I asked.

"You wore these." He pulled at my spandex.

"I wanted you to think I'm sexy." I said, feeling insecure. He had figured out my plan.

"Charlotte, you are the sexiest girl in the world." He smiled.

I blushed at his comment.

"Charlie? What is this?" He pulled at my neckline where Ryan had marked me.

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't lie to him.

"Why do you have a hickey?" He stood all the way up, pushing away from me.

"Please, let me explain." I sat up too.

He stared at me, waiting for me to actually explain, but I had no idea what to say.

"I made a really big mistake." Tears formed in my eyes.

I waited for him to say something, anything, but he still just stared at me.

"I went over to Ryan's yesterday to buy some weed, and I accidentally got really drunk. Liam, I'm so sorry." I cried.

"What?" He asked.

"We had sex." I hadn't thought or said the actual words yet, and they tasted like vomit coming out.

"Jesus Charlie! What the fuck!" He said and turned around. He reached for the door knob.

"Liam, please wait." I begged, but he walked out of the room. I followed him down the hall. "I didn't want to. It was an accident."

"You don't just accidentally sleep with someone Charlie! Have you been seeing him this whole time?" He asked.

"What? No! I don't even like him. Liam, I want you." I said.

He grabbed his shirt from the kitchen floor and pulled it over his head. "You're so manipulative Charlie. Did you just think we could sleep together, and we'd be even?"

I didn't know what to say. I fucked up, and he caught me red handed.

"Wasn't it you who made such a big deal about trust?" He said more than asked.

"Liam, I'm sorry." I said. Then added "It's not like we were together. You hadn't spoken to me in a week."

"Because you broke up with me. What was I supposed to do?" He questioned. "I'm sorry that you slept with him then felt guilty about it and tried to use me to make yourself feel better."

"That's not what it is! Liam, I love you." My heart was beating so fast I could feel it in my ears. It was true. I know Liam and I had only been hanging out for a short period of time, but he knew everything about me. He was the most supportive person to ever be in my life. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved him.

"Just stop." He held his hands up, shaking his head and walked out of my apartment.

My heart shattered. I felt the pressure in my chest pulsate throughout my body. I couldn't believe I put myself in this situation. I had never felt so shitty in my life. I wanted to chase after him, or call him, but I knew there was nothing I could do to change his mind. The damage had already been done.

I searched for the vodka and took a long drink. I brought it to my room and laid in bed with it next to me. I wanted to sleep, but my mind raced with thoughts. I grabbed my blade from my drawer and held it tightly in my hand. I didn't know why it brought so much relief, and I didn't care. The cold metal stung over my skin.

After a few minutes and a few shots, I went to the kitchen to look for Tylenol to soothe my pounding headache. I opened our medicine cabinet and found it. Next to it, a bottle of my mom's Oxycodone. I stared at the bottle and let my mind wander. I wasn't sure why she had it, nor did I care. How many pills would I have to take to never wake up? I didn't really wanna die, I just wanted to go to sleep forever.

I decided on taking three. I usually only took one on occasion if I had migraines, so three would just give me a little extra sleep.

I laid back in bed and texted Liam. "I'm so sorry for everything I've done, and I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'll leave you alone, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry first. Goodbye Liam." I hit send before deciding on taking another few, swallowing them with a mouth full of vodka.

Who would care if I was gone anyway?