"Would you like to go the War Memorial and to the Captain America exhibit today? Maybe the exhibit will spark some of your memories?" Steve sips from his morning coffee and finishes his bacon and eggs.

He looks rather hopeful and I understand his reasoning, but...

"I'm not sure how well I do amongst people – not in such large quantities." I no longer like crowds. From what Steve told me I gathered that the old Bucky thrived in public, but that has changed. These days crowds stress me out.

"I doubt both sites will be crowded. The exhibit has been on for years now and the number of visitors has gone down. The last time I went there, I counted about ten people and some kids. Do you think that's doable?"

"Maybe... We'll see." I'll have a look at the place and if I don't like it, I'm out. "Why did you go there?" And why repeatedly? Steve isn't the kind of guy who loves to gloat about his accomplishments. Steve suddenly turns shy, which puzzles me, and he stares at his now empty plate.

"For several reasons... Peggy gets interviewed and the fragment is set to repeat. I like to watch it when I feel lonely and the exhibit features you as well. It has some of your original belongings and looking at them made me less... sad."

I wish I hadn't asked. I didn't want to bring back bad memories, so I curl my fingers around his hand.

"We can go there if it means that much to you. I can't guarantee that I can stay for a longer period of time. Crowds make me uncomfortable and unknown territory usually puts me on alert. You'll have to watch me for odd behavior."

"I can do that," Steve says reassuringly. "You have no idea how much having you back means to me."

He's right; I don't, but I imagine it means a great deal to him. I need to caution him though.

"You need to keep in mind that Rumlow is still out there, waiting for a chance to get his revenge. Whatever you do, don't underestimate him. He's dangerous."

"About that..."

Steve pulls my hand close to his chest and uses his other hand to pour more coffee. I wonder when he's going to return my hand to me. He seems awfully possessive of it, but I will need it back eventually. "What about it?"

"Shield took the liberty of designing an uniform for you – bullet and fire proof, you know, the works. A lot like mine."

I guess I can live with that.

"It will come in handy in battle." I accepted my fate, which is watching Steve's back and keeping him safe. It's like he said; till death do us part.

"So you thought it over? Will you join the Avengers then?"

There's that puppy dog look again. I have the sneaky suspicion he turned it on me in the past as well.

"If they want me, they can have me, but make sure they understand I come with a lot of baggage and problems. They can't rely on me in battle."

"We all have our quirks, don't worry about that, and when push comes to shove, we support each other and watch each other's back. If you think you have problems, wait until Bruce turns into the Hulk."

"The Hulk?" I never heard that name before.

"I'll update you later."

Steve's sneaky expression comes back on. He isn't finished yet and I wonder what more trouble he got us into. "Spill it."

"Tony invited us to dinner tonight. That way you can meet the rest of the gang. Thor won't be there, but the others will. Fury and Coulson also agreed to join. It might feel awkward at first, but you'll get used to them. They're easy going and they wouldn't invite you, if they didn't want you onboard."

I'm not so sure about that. "Maybe they don't know what they're getting themselves into."

"No, they know. Trust me, Tony wouldn't invite you if he wasn't sure you'd make a good addition to the team. And it was Tony who suggested it after discussing the matter with the rest of the team. Thor won't cause any problems, believe me, he's easy-going."

Apparently Steve got the whole day planned. I'll just go along and let him take charge.

*********

Driving up to the war memorial I feel relieved; the place is still rather empty. Steve parks the car and I need a moment to mentally prepare myself to face the outside world. Steve nods encouragingly and I follow him toward the memorial. I haven't seen one before and I curiously move closer, encouraged because there are so few people about. I'm surprised to see the engraved names and I study some of them. I'm still sad that the war took so many innocent lives. Judging from the dates of birth and death a large number died very young.

"Buck, come over here, will you? There's something I want you to see."

Steve gestures for me to join him a different section of the memorial and he points at a series of names that stand separately from the rest. I'm shocked to see my name on top. I can't believe my name is really up there, but it really says Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.

"But I didn't die. I'm still alive. My name shouldn't be up there; not after all the crimes I committed." It's a lie!

"We thought you died, Bucky. The last thing I remember is you falling into that ravine and I assumed you died. I never knew you managed to survive. Your name deserves to be up there with the rest. In a way, you did die."

I don't agree, but I lack the energy to argue with Steve. I can't bear seeing my name up there with all honors that come along with it when it's a blatant lie. I want to turn away from the memorial when another voice joins in.

"Steve is right. Your name deserves to be up there. You gave Hydra and the Nazi's hell. You fought alongside Steve and your other buddies."

Where did Sam all of a sudden come from? I cringe and avoid looking at him. I know better than to argue with the two of them. They will team up against me.

"A lot of veterans have a hard time facing their past, and for you, everything is even more complicated. But I agree with Steve. In a way, you did die. Hydra took away your life, your identity, and they killed you – on the inside. They took away your memories; how is that any different from murder?"

I knew they were going to do this. Feeling miserable, I look at the inscribed names again and I still don't think mine deserves to be up there with the rest.

"Maybe they can remove it?" Belatedly I realize that I said it instead of just thinking it.

"I don't think they should. Even if they did, you would get a honorary mention and your name would stay there – just in a different section. Sam is right, Buck. Hydra killed you... And the Winter Soldier emerged."

I raise my right hand and place my fingertips against the inscription.

"I don't deserve this. You know what crimes I committed in Hydra's name."

"You're wrong. Hydra forced the Winter Soldier to commit them. That's a big difference," Sam cuts in.

"I remember them, I remember all of them. Each and every kill. How does that NOT make me a murderer?" I'm afraid to believe them as I can't possibly be absolved of my crimes. I have to live with the fact that I'm a killer.

"That must be hard," Sam says, still not giving up. "But if you'd had a choice, would you have killed any of them?"

I know what he's doing, but it doesn't work that way. "It was my finger that pulled the trigger, my hands that choked the life out of them. I killed them."

"No, you didn't!"

Steve steps in front of me, places his hands on my shoulders, and turns me toward him. I can't recall ever seeing that particular look on his face before.

"They had you under mind control. You couldn't stop it from happening. You couldn't change a thing. Hydra gave the marching orders and the Winter Soldier did as he was told. That wasn't you! Bucky, you care! You're nothing like Hydra's Winter Soldier!"

I stare defiantly at him as I'm not buying it.

Sam cuts in, "You're the guy who feeds squirrels in the park and who cares about homeless veterans. A cold-blooded killer isn't like that. He wouldn't think twice about helping people. An assassin would just shoot the guy. I haven't known you for long, but that doesn't sound like you," Sam says resolutely.

I don't know what to say to that. I can't deny he's right, but...

"You didn't think twice when Rumlow attacked us in that coffee shop. You protected us and I know for sure you would have protected those baristas too if they had been in immediate danger. You are NOT a killer, Bucky. There's no way you can convince us of that," Steve adds, nodding repeatedly.

I feel at a loss and don't know what to do. It IS true. I don't have any homicidal tendencies. The Winter Soldier however did. He IS a different person, but the memories make it hard, if not impossible, to distinguish between the two of us.

"Give it time," Sam suggests. "Readjusting is always hard. It will get better." He looks about and waves at two men standing near the memorial. "I've got to go now. I'm here with two veterans who are also trying to make peace with their past. You're not the only one having a hard time."

Sam smiles reassuringly and then joins his friends, leaving me alone with Steve. This is harder than I thought. I assumed visiting the memorial would have some impact on me, but I didn't expect for this to happen. Steve's arm slips lower and ends up curled around my waist.

"Want to go for some coffee before we head to the exhibit?"

Fuck, I had forgotten about that. I'm not sure I'm up for more emotional bloodletting. If he's really going to make me do this, I need coffee first – lots of it!

***********

I had two cups of the strongest coffee on order before allowing Steve to drag me to the exhibit. Once we reach the entrance, I'm relieved to see that there's no queue. Apparently most people already visited and it's only a handful of people waiting for admittance. That's when I spy a problem.

"How do you plan to get me inside? There's a metal detector..."

"Don't worry about it. I know a guy. Just wait here for a second."

I keep an eye on him when he addresses the woman at the reception desk. She picks up her phone and smiles at Steve, telling him to wait. Sometimes lip reading does come in handy. Too bad Steve's back is toward me or I would have gathered more information.

Five minutes later an elderly guard appears at the entrance. He's tall, thin, and his hair long turned grey. He doesn't look like someone wielding authority, but he might be connected to Shield, and they might have put him in charge at the exhibit. That would also explain why Steve thinks he can get me in unnoticed.

They talk, but since I'm looking at their backs, I have no idea what their conversation is about. Steven turns toward me and beckons me to join him. I keep clear of the metal detector and walk up to them.

"Hello there!" The guard says and even smiles at me. "Coulson told me that you might drop by."

That confirms my earlier suspicions; he IS connected to Shield.

"Come on through this way. No need to alarm anyone." He lets me pass and Steve is quick to follow. "Take your time. It's not a busy day. If you need something, let me know. My name is Stan." He walks off, admonishing some children not to touch anything.

"He's a great guy," Steve says as he loops his arm with mine. "When I went after you I stole my original uniform from the exhibit and it almost got him fired. So I sent him an apology note and Shield had a copy of that uniform made in order to make up for the loss." Steve points at the dummy wearing his uniform. "Does anything look familiar?"

Actually an awful lot does. I can't stop staring at the dummies at Steve's side. I instantly recognize my old army uniform and it shocks me to see that Hydra modeled the Winter Soldier's uniform after it. Those bastards had no respect at all. Taking in the dummies one by one, memories roll back into my mind, showing me the missions we went on. I can't believe I'm actually remembering that much about the war. Only a week ago, I had no idea who Dum Dum or Gabe were.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Steve gives me a concerned look and I quickly nod. "Yeah, just trying to deal with... You know, all of this."

"It's probably overwhelming. It's a pity we're the only two still alive. I'm sure they would have been thrilled to find out that you survived."

I'm tempted to contradict him and to tell him that they would probably be disgusted with me considering the things Hydra did to me, but I keep quiet. The thing is, they might have understood what had happened and maybe they wouldn't have blamed me. They knew Hydra; knew the monster for what it was.

"Look over here... Recognize this? It got left behind on the train."

"I do..." It's my old rifle, the one I favored. Extremely light-weight and the perfect weapon for a sniper like me. "It served me well."

"Yeah..."

Steve sounds odd and I study him closely. There's sadness in his eyes and he looks melancholy. "What's wrong?" Reaching out to him is getting easier.

"I just recalled what happened on that train. I couldn't bear watching you fall. I was a coward!"

"Don't do this." I free my arm and wrap it around his shoulder, pulling him against me, and forgetting any people that might be watching us. "None of it was your fault, so don't blame yourself. I don't." Steve draws in a deep breath and seems to compose himself. The forlorn expression in his eyes remains though. I need to distract him again. "Remember Stark's flying car?" I point at the flyer highlighting Stark's inventions. My heart contracts painfully. "That was the last time I saw YOU – the scrawny kid..." It was also before Zola got his dirty hands on me.

"Of course I do. How could I forget?"

Mission accomplished: Steve is smiling again.

"I don't know if you fully realize it, but Tony is Howard's son."

He's right; I didn't realize that. I had wondered about his last name, but it never crossed my mind that he was related to Howard. "Howard was a good guy."

"Yeah, he was," Steve confirms. "Which reminds me, there's something else I want you to see."

He drags me into a side room and I freeze upon hearing a familiar voice. "Is that...?"

"Peggy, yes. They put the interview on repeat, wanna watch it?"

I sit down and Steve quickly joins me. I stare at the screen and am stunned that I actually remember her. "She always liked you... She ignored me. I felt invisible... I joked that I was turning into you."

"You actually remember that?" Steve sounds impressed.

"Yeah, I do... It's getting easier to remember things. I still recall nothing about our childhood, but it feels like I'm going back in time, remembering more and more. Hopefully, I'll one day remember meeting you for the first time." I watch her and find myself smiling at her. "I always liked her. She took no bullshit from anyone."

Steve gives me a dreamy look, and I know that he regrets not being able to be there for her after the plane crash. He's so easy to read. "It's like traveling back in time," I say, at which Steve nods. "It's weird, but comforting." Steve still seems downhearted and I gather my courage and pull him against me. It's still difficult for me to show any form of initiative. It will take time for me to get used to being in charge of my own life.

**********

"Why are we stopping?" Steve came to a halt in front of a men's clothing store. Does he need to get some stuff?

"You've been wearing my clothes, and although they look good on you, they don't really suit you. What about a quick stop and we shop for some clothes that fit you?"

I look inside and waver. The place is rather empty, but I don't look forward to shopping. It's been ages since I went into a store. "I'm not sure."

"Give it a try, please. We can always leave if you don't feel comfortable."

Steve knows I can't deny him and he's using it against me. "Fine, but only for a few minutes."

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