Steve closes the door to the apartment and I feel like coming home. I recall the first time I walked through that door and realize how much things have changed. My whole life has changed.

"Welcome back home."

Steve suddenly wraps his arms around me from behind and pulls my back against his chest. He's much too close and I'm afraid I'll give myself away, but I can't push him away. I want this. I want him close.

"Want some coffee? You also owe me an answer as to why you panic each time you're in an elevator. You said you would tell me or did you change your mind? That's okay, changing your mind. I won't pressure you."

Steve is rambling. He releases me and heads for the kitchen where he busies himself making coffee. I sit down at the kitchen table and watch him. I guess I can do this for him. As long as he doesn't address Rumlow, I'm fine with sharing things with him. I wait for him to put the coffee onto the table and reach for my mug, which is plain black. Steve always takes his coffee with milk and sugar. He settles down opposite me and watches me from over the rim of his mug.

"It's nothing traumatic," I start and shrug. I blow onto the coffee's surface, helping it to cool down. "I don't know when it started; the thing is, it never bothered me when they put me back into cryo. But put me in an elevator or any other cramped space and I start to panic. I need out."

Steve nods and sips from his coffee. "I don't like small spaces either."

I carefully sip and curse because the coffee is still too damn hot. Steve keeps looking at me and I have the feeling he has more questions. I incline my head toward him and whisper,

"What else do you want to know?" Please don't let it be about Rumlow!

"Would you consider becoming a part of the Avengers? Tony mentioned it while you were still recovering and I like the idea."

It's not what I expected. "Join the Avengers? I don't know." I put down my mug and consider it in earnest. "I feel battle-weary, to be honest. I would probably join if you asked me, but... Look at me, what can I possibly contribute to your cause?" Growing depressed, I start listing the things troubling me. "I'm claustrophobic, I suck at decision making, I tend to freeze up, and to be frank, I have no idea how I could help."

"But you're considering it, which is good."

That's all he heard? I shake my head at him – repeatedly.

"I'm no superhero like you. Don't make me into one."

"Well, you saved my life twice, no make that three times, if we count you getting me out of the water during the last few days. If that doesn't make you a hero, then what does?"

He actually succeeded in making me blush and I feel very uncomfortable now that he's looking at me like that. I wish he looked at me like that for a different reason, but I need to remain realistic; we're friends, nothing more.

***************

"Buck, can you answer the phone?" comes Steve's voice from the bathroom where he's taking a shower.

I pick up his phone and see Fury's name on the display. I answer the call and wonder what to say.

"Rogers, is that you?"

"No, sir, it's Barnes." Hearing his authoritative tone causes me to react a certain way and I'm stunned to hear I would call myself that.

"Ah, that's fine too. Listen, Barnes, you were right. We found matching DNA. Your mystery sniper is Rumlow, or Crossbones, as he calls himself these days. We checked hospital records and he was admitted with severe burns and broken bones. He survived that building collapsing on top of him, just as you suspected. Tell Rogers to be careful. I've got the feeling Rumlow might try again. He's a nasty piece of work."

Fury doesn't know half of it, but I'm not telling him.

"Thanks for the warning, sir, I'll pass on the information." Dealing with Fury is easier than I thought. I'm used to this kind of communication.

"I'll be in touch!" Fury says and then terminates the call.

I put the phone back down on the coffee table and move in front of the window. Somewhere out there Rumlow is waiting for us to grow careless so he can move in and kill us. Knowing him the way I do, I doubt he'll try to shoot us again. He knows we found out his identity by now and that he can't take us by surprise again.

The next time he comes for us, he will throw all he has at us. He'll come through the front door and try to overwhelm us. The thing is, it might work and incapacitate me. I might freeze and won't be able to stop him. He installed fear in me a long time ago. His methods were extremely brutal, that's why Hydra preferred him as my handler; he got results.

When he strikes, I need to be ready for him. I can't be the reason why Steve ends up hurt. I'll have to overcome those fears; only time will tell what will happen, though. Let's hope Rumlow will lay low for a long time.

"Who was that on the phone with you?"

I look at Steve from over my shoulder and curse the fact that he didn't bother to get dressed. He's only wearing a towel wrapped around his hips and he's showing way too much skin. He looks good and I stop myself from drooling at him just in time. I can't afford for him to find out about the attraction and I focus on the problem at hand.

"Fury called to confirm Rumlow is on our trail. They found his DNA on the scene."

Steve is towel drying his hair and fucking distracting me! "Put some clothes on, will you!" Steve gives me a stunned look and I turn around and march into my room. I slam the door shut and sit down on my bed, willing my arousal to go away. Maybe thinking about Hydra will do the trick, but I don't want to relive that pain.

"Bucky?"

Steve knocks softly and I draw in a deep breath.

"Go away." I don't want him to see me like this. I need to get this under control first. I can't be attracted to him. Why is this happening?

"I'm decent," Steve says. "Can I come inside?"

I sigh, throw back my head, and count to ten. "Yes, you can." Thinking about Hydra did the trick and my arousal went away. But now I can't get the machine out of my head. Why did I have to think about that? Why couldn't I think of Pierce, or even Rumlow?

Steve opens the door and takes his time stepping inside. I feel his eyes upon me and the tension building in the room. The poor guy probably has no idea why I acted like that. Steve doesn't deserve this. I gather my courage and look at him. He looks bewildered and I don't blame him.

"I'm sorry," I offer, at which he advances on the bed, but he doesn't sit down. I pat the space next to me, indicating it's okay for him to sit down, which he promptly does.

"What happened just now?"

I'm relieved he put on some clothes, although that jeans is a bit too tight in certain places and the shirt leaves little to the imagination. He probably dressed like this the whole time and I never noticed.

"Is it because Fury confirmed Rumlow is our sniper?"

I feel bad for confusing Steve, but what am I supposed to do? I can hardly tell him that I am in love with him.

"Bucky? You can tell me, no matter what's wrong. I'll always back you up, don't you know that?"

"It's not about Rumlow," I concede, unwilling to reveal the true reason why I reacted like that. "I can deal with him trying to kill us."

"Buck, I thought you hated the guy."

"I do. I really do," but it's not why I stormed out of the room.

"Why don't you give me a clue as to what this is about? I have no idea what I'm dealing with, Bucky."

And I want to keep it that way! "I overreacted." Hopefully that will do. "Don't read too much into it."

"I don't believe it," Steve replies in an earnest tone. "You're hiding something from me. For some reason you don't feel comfortable telling me and... and I accept that. I won't push you, but Bucky, I want you to know that I'll never desert you. I have your back, always."

"Thanks." I'm relieved he's letting it go. Then his hand moves towards mine in a gesture that has become terribly familiar. Holding my hand, he rubs his thumb over its back. The touch is killing me though. It shows me what I can't have. He's always touching me, but for the wrong reason. He simply cares about me. He isn't attracted to me. Accepting that is going to be hard on me.

**************

"Ready to turn in for the night?"

Not really no... But what can I do about it? It was actually me who offered to hold him at night because of his nightmares. I can't back down now, but I took precautions. I'm wearing sweat pants and a sweater, just to ensure we don't end up skin on skin and in a compromising situation.

"Yeah, sure," I say, lacking conviction. Steve is already in bed and reading when I step into his bedroom. Steve pushes back the covers, places his book onto the nightstand, and arches an eyebrow at seeing me. He probably wonders about the change; normally I only wear boxers at night. He doesn't comment on it though, and I lie down on my side, as far away from him as possible.

Steve pulls up the comforter and moves toward me. Fuck, if I move away from him, I will fall out of bed, so I keep still instead. I fail to label the expression in his eyes and he seems torn between concern and joy. It's an odd mix.

"Buck, what's going on? You're nervous, why? Do I frighten you all of a sudden?"

"No, you don't," I'm quick to reply. "It's not you." It's me – it's these warm and fuzzy feelings that make me dizzy whenever he's that close. How in hell am I supposed to keep this from him? I will give myself away; I can only pretend for so long, but I really don't want to tell him. I don't want to be rejected.

"Come on over here, so we can get some sleep."

Steve opens his arms and gives me an expectant look. During these last few nights, I eagerly moved into his arms and held him in turn, but what if I grow erect and he notices?

"Maybe I know what this is about," Steve hints and pulls me into his arms.

I don't stop him. Resistance is futile at any rate. I sure hope he didn't figure out what's wrong with me. I'm not sure I can deal with the pain and shame rejection would bring.

"I wish you wouldn't do this." I feel compelled to look at him and wish things were different. I wish he returned my feelings and held me like this for a different reason.

"Why so sad?"

"It's nothing." I dismiss his comment and close my eyes. It's the only thing I can do to make this situation less intense. I doubt I will be able to get some sleep tonight with him being this close and my hormones going haywire. Suddenly there's some light pressure against my lips and I quickly open my eyes in order to find out what's happening.

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