That night out was the most subdued we'd ever had. It was like no matter how much we drank, we couldn't get drunk or even in a better mood. Every conversation came back to the same thing. Steve.

I really did feel sorry for him. Whereas before I saw him as a guy who wore ridiculous ties and never went out, I now saw him in a different light. There were so many things that I'd never considered before. I always thought that he was anti-social, if a guy with anxiety problems like mine could go out every week with Tom and Aaron then why couldn't he? But now I saw him as just a regular guy who was totally dedicated to his wife and kids. I didn't even know how old his kids were or how many he had. Who can hate a family man? And then there was the fact that he hadn't even chosen to be a mortician. Or at least I didn't think he had. Eternal Wings had just been passed to him but what was to say that he wanted to be something else, like plumber or a drama teacher? His destiny had probably been decided at a young age and he never had a choice in the matter. Enter Christian Goldstein, a guy who was trying to take away the only thing Steve knew. What was he going to do? The last thing that I thought about now that I hadn't done before was the odd nature of the work in the first place. Obviously Steve wanted customers but that meant praying for people to die. How could he live like that? My conclusion was that Steve was a much stronger character than I'd previously given him credit for and I felt bad for not letting him know that. I was certain that he was going to give up his family business, and so was everyone else.

"Man, I can't stand that rat bastard" Tom cried as he finished his bottle of beer.

"I've met him once and I already hate him. Poor Steve" I nodded solemnly. Aaron returned to our table with three more drinks but showed very little enthusiasm.

It struck me then that we normally went out to get over the depressing nature of funerals but this evening was worse than any service I'd attended so far.

"That place is his life. I can't imagine him doing anything else" Aaron mused.

"We have to do something" Tom told us. "We can't let him sell to that guy"

"I'm sure he'd still hire all of us" I said more confidently then I felt.

"That isn't the point. I don't want to work for Kim Jong Douchebag, do you?" Argued Tom.

"Well when you put it like that . . ." I whispered.

"What can we do though?" Aaron asked. "I mean there are only so many people dying around here; and it's not like people are planning funerals decades in advance"

"I think there's only one thing that we can do" Tom shrugged.

"Which is?" I asked him.

"We're going to have to go on a mass killing spree. Find the weakest links and biggest menaces to society and wipe them all out. Then there's enough for everyone"

"Let's call that plan B" Aaron said worriedly.

It was safe to say that none of us were really feeling it that night so we finished the beers we had and then went home. I called Naomi to try and explain to her what had happened that day and see if she could offer any womanly wisdom. Unfortunately it was very difficult to explain because I was still trying to keep up the pretence that I worked at a bank. Then there was also the fact that Aaron's theory was correct. She didn't care about my "Banking" problem. I contemplated telling her the truth then and there but I didn't. I actually really liked her and wasn't ready for the fledgling relationship to die just yet. Pun intended, by the way.

I arrived at work the next day and it was way more depressing than usual. Steve still hadn't made a decision and disappeared into his office for the entire day. Aaron remained silent like the dark, mysterious type that he so often looked like and Tom came up with another psychotic idea to come up with some more business.

Plan C was now to kill Christian Goldstein himself so that we could cater his funeral. He was hardly going to do it from beyond the grave but Aaron and I still didn't think that was a good enough reason.

To make matters worse, today's retro comedy viewing was Happy Days. Sometimes irony isn't funny at all.

The next day was more interesting though. I was the last one to arrive as usual but as soon as I got in the door, Aaron grabbed a hold of me.

"Tom's finally lost it" He hissed.

"He hadn't already?" I asked, pretending that Aarons grip didn't hurt me. Instead of answering my question, he dragged me to the den where I saw what he meant.

Tom was sitting at the desk with two cats on his lap.

"What the fuck?" I asked.

"Hey Sam, meet our new employees, Alfred and Geoffrey" He pointed to the black and white felines.

"Why are there cats here? And why do they have stupid names?" I asked.

"Everybody loves cat's right? So now they're gonna want to come here instead of Christian Cumstains joint"

"Tom, we deal with people who are in uncontrollable pain. They don't want to have a cat sitting on them!" Aaron shouted.

"Why do they have stupid names?" I asked again.

"Alfred is Batman's butler so he can be the one to greet everyone when they first get here, and Geoffrey is just funny" He smiled.

"Does Steve know about this?" I asked.

"Not yet but he'll love it! You guys are such pussies! Get it?" Tom winked at us whilst he continued to stroke his new pets.

"I don't think he will" I laughed.

"He'll have kittens!" Aaron punned before coming to his senses. "Why am I entertaining this?" He asked himself before leaving me alone with the crazy cat man.

When Steve finally did find out about the cats, his reaction was not what any of us expected. He didn't love it like Tom guessed and he didn't go nuts like me and Aaron thought he would. He just didn't care. Christian's offer was really messing with him and I honestly didn't see him for two days.

The cats weren't having the desired effect either as all they did was sleep in the empty coffins or eat the grieving customers used tissues. Things weren't looking good until Tom finally came up with a semi reasonable idea.

"I can't believe we didn't think of this before!" I cried right after his eureka moment.

"If it came from you then there's probably a good reason that we didn't think of it" Aaron said. Tom ignored him and continued to explain his new plan.

"What do normal people or businesses do to get customers? They advertise! They get the word out there! How else are people going to know about how awesome we are if we don't tell them ourselves?"

"Nobody has ever described a funeral home as awesome before" I said curtly.

"Well we can be the first! If we can have a catchy jingle or a decent commercial then Goldstein won't stand a chance!" Tom beamed.

Aaron shrugged. "It isn't the greatest idea in the world but it's the best one we have. It can't hurt to give it a shot right?"

So the decision was made. Instead of afternoon Casket Shuffle, we nipped out to the closest electrics store and bought a cheap video camera and made a makeshift set in the den. Once we shot down Tom's idea to have us sing Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" on camera, we were ready to begin.

Tom and I wrote out a quick script and voted for Aaron to be the face of our campaign. If nothing else, he'd attract lonely women who'd just lost their husbands and wanted some eye candy.

"Are you guys sure about this? This sounds pretty awful" He said after reading our planned monologue. This was the first time I'd ever seen him nervous.

"It could probably use some work but it's all we have at short notice and we need to get this fucker out there as fast as possible" Tom told him.

"3! 2! 1! And action!" I called. Aaron cleared his throat before flashing his winning smile and giving us his best performance. He kept having to glance at the script but he did ok.

"Hi there! My name is Aaron James and I'm here to ask you a very important question. What is going to happen when you die? You won't know unless you plan ahead and come down to Eternal Wings Funeral Home and get the best service possible. Me and my friends know for a fact that we put the fun in funeral and we're certain you want to experience this too. So come on down to Eternal Wings Funeral Home, where the only time you cry will be tears of joy!"

"Beautiful" Tom whispered.

We decided to make a second one just in case. Well Tom did. I was busy making us all some coffee and Aaron was finally getting the hang of being behind the camera and kept rehearsing his lines. I returned with our hot drinks right as Tom began filming once more.

"Hi there! Are you planning on dying soon? Do you know someone who is? Well you better keep me in mind! My name is Aaron James and I work at Eternal Wings Funeral Home and we would love to have you here with us! And plus, Christian Goldstein is an asshole!" Aaron stopped once he realised what he was reading. "Tom, what the hell?"

"Sorry. I couldn't resist. That's our watershed video right there!" He smiled.

"We can't put that out there!" I warned. "I'm pretty sure that any reaction we get will be a pretty negative one"

"There is no such thing as bad publicity Sam!" Tom said confidently. I certainly hoped he was right or else we were going to get eaten alive.

We emailed our videos to all the local TV stations and begged them to air them. At least the first one anyway. Just in case they didn't, Tom uploaded them both to Facebook so we could all share them. As you would expect, the first one received mixed to positive reviews, whilst the second was panned by critics and audiences alike.

As far as making more TV commercials was concerned, that was definitely a wrap.