I just don't understand. Its like looking into the mirror and seeing someone who has never been there before. Your other half that you never missed until they were gone. That was my life. I loved her. She was everything I've ever and will ever have. I loved her until she broke my heart. Walking down the stairs and seeing her locked lips with another. What if I told you that was your best friend...or your brother. I hated her and my sibling after that, I ignored them. Blocked them away from my life. I never wanted to see her again, until that wish came true.

She went on a speedboat with her father and the wind was wailing and the ocean was viscous. She never returned. When I found out about this a river of emotion flowed out. I still loved her. I still don't understand how this happened. How did I still love her. She chewed me up and spitted me out like I was discussing and pointless.

She was the tracks to my train. The road to my car. Without it I'm lost. Trapped unable to move, to be latter forgotten it wonder on my own.

The understanding of the word understand didn't make sense. I can't do it. I can't live, I can't love without those words. Without her. I will always love her, just never in the same way again.

I would stare at the photos of her. The way she looked at me. Her diamond blue eyes and pink lips, her brown chocolate hair. She was everything I've ever wanted. Always happy and seeing the best of things. She was my better half. Without her I'm a stain on clothing. No one wants. Almost impossible to wash away.

I needed. I need someone else. Myself is all I have left, but even that can't stand to be with me. I'm garbage, I'm the dirt on the bottom of your shoe that sticks like gum. I'm clingy i hold tight and never let go. But if I lose my grip and if you slip away you'll forget about me and I'll be in the spot you left me waiting for you to return. She didn't return I'm still waiting no one is near.

I remember my last good memory with her until she killed my heart. We were on the line to the Farris wheel. We were holding hands. I held them tight and never wanted to let go. We got into the blue cart. I was terrified of these things. What would happen if a cart fell off would I be fine? We went up the wheel slowly but, quick enough to make my already terrified nerves get even more scared.

When we reached the top the cart stopped unexpectedly. I looked at her she looked at me. I reached into my pocket a took out a ring.
"Will you marry me"
"Yes, I love you baby"
We then kissed and the cart began moving again through the purple and yellow sky.

Understand means perceive the intended meaning of words, a language, or speaker. I didn't understand how she could cheat on me after that. I must have dreamed the whole thing. Just like how I dreamed of being happy. What would you do. Get revenge. If she died by my hands things would be different but, that's not what happened.

I let it go. I let it FUCKING GO! Which caused me pain. I never get told her what that moment made me feel. I let it go. I let it pile on and pile on. Then the wind blew and the pain was all gone. Or that's what I wish happened.

I'm trapped. That's what I am, trapped. Trapped in a SHITY world called my LIFE. I'm the dust she was my wind. I'm in a grave called love. Impossible to get out of once your in. Even if you only put one foot in you can never fully get out. Each love. Each break up your buried deeper into the ground.

The phrase self harm I understand. You hurt yourself to feel alive and you cry because you don't know if you want to die. I didn't self harm myself from her death. It just made everyday feel like a cut going down my arm. The thought of being alone, is the thought of dying and not being missed.

Memories are fragile and just pictures of what something once were. You can never go back no matter how hard you try. You must let go of your memories or you'll be stuck trying to relive a memory that can never happen again.