"It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but it's harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do." –Anonymous

Chapter 13:

When I woke up without Chris beside me I automatically assumed that he left to have his so called 'bro time'.

I stood up, feeling the pain on my right shoulder, probably because I left it hanging on the edge of the bed last night, since Chris' childhood bed it too small for the both of us and it left me wondering, how the hell he fit on his own bed when he is a growing teen.

Well the sleeping arrangements aren't supposed to be like this, but we figured that it'll be best since we're also trying to pretend even in front of his father.

I stood up, readjusting the plain white shirt clinging on my body before opening the bedroom door.

I mentally sigh, when the delicious smell of bacon hit my nostril. I cheerily went downstairs ready to compliment Albert on his cooking,

"Smells good—," I came into a halt when I saw Chris on the kitchen

"Oh hey, Chris, Good Morning," I greeted, situating myself on the counter.

"It's almost done," he said while he puts the bacon on a plate.

He served me some of his newly cooked bacon, "You're not going out today?" I asked

"No?" he frowned; I just nodded savouring my bacon.

After a while Albert went down the stairs wearing his business suit, he came into the kitchen with a smile that is quickly replaced with a surprised look.

"Oh Chris, you're here." He said completely dumbfounded

Chris looked at him confused by his reaction, "Well dad, I live here too y'know." He said jokingly

Then he looked at both of us, "Why are you surprised?"

I was about to talk but Albert beat me up to it, "I barely see you home, son. You've been ditching your girlfriend for some 'bro time'." Albert said "You could've bring her and introduce her to your friends or somehow show her around town."

Albert left after he said that. Chris snapped his head on my direction, I tried to look unaffected but it's hard since I do feel neglected.

"Sorry, Clary," he suddenly said "I haven't noticed at all, shit I didn't me—."

"It's okay," I cut him off, finishing my food and hopping off the counter to clean the dishes

"No, let's go out to day," Chris suggested, "Where'd you wanna go?"

"Seriously Chris, it's okay." I insisted

"Clary!" he scolded, making me sigh

I thought about it and there's only one thing I haven't done yet, "Drive me to D.C"

"So, what are we gonna do at D.C?" Chris asked, once he is seated at the driver's seat of his dad's spare car.

I shrugged, "Just drive."

He pulled out of the driveway, I was still contemplating my decision, I mean Chris let me meet his dad, it's only fair that I let him meet a member of my family.

"Don't tell me you're one of those Smithsonian obsessed people," Chris broke the silence

I chuckled, "I'm not saying." I may not be obsessed but I enjoyed going there.

"Seriously Clary, I'm already telling you that you could just leave me on a bench while I sleep because museums bore me to death." He warned

"I got it." I told him.

After hours, the surroundings started to get familiar as we near D.C. I remember when we use to go here at least twice a month to have a picnic at the Washington Monument.

Well, that was way before shit happened.

I could practically hear my heart beat as we continued down the road.

"Chris," I said making him look at me for a split-second "Turn left at that road."

He started to slow down; "Are you serious?" he asked "Is it even safe there?"

"Of course it's safe there," I said rolling my eyes in the process, "People live there."

"Yeah, probably witches and apothecaries," he muttered "This is a forest."

He took a left anyway. Even though I haven't been here since we moved to California, I still know the way like the back of my hand. I go here every time unlike my parents.

"You're not going to murder me, aren't you?" Chris said once again

"Stop giving me ideas, you chicken." I said

When I looked at him, he visibly gulped.

"Don't worry Chris, you'll see people soon." I assured him

He continued driving, following my directions.

"Just park your car over there," I said pointing at an open space.

Once the car came into a halt, I immediately went down.

Chris trailed behind me as I made my way through my escape place.

"Jeez Clary, when you said I'll see people soon you forget to mention that they are dead people." He said

I laughed at how scared he is, "I just want you to meet someone."

He gulped, "Is he or she dead too?"

I decided to make fun of his current state, "You bet!"

"Clary!" he whined "Let's just go home."

"Is Christy scared?" I teased, pinching his cheeks.

He scowled at me, "It's just giving me the creeps, that's all." He defended, making me laugh

"That's just a nice way of saying that you're scared." I laugh almost in the verge of tears.

"Let's just get this over with," he said, lightly pushing me forward to start walking again.

After walking for a while, we stopped in front of the grave I'm looking for. I started clearing the dried leaves on top of it. The once white colour of the grave is now patched with black dirt and melted wax from candles, since it hasn't been visited for a long time.

Once I cleared out the mess, the writings can finally be read.

"Sabrina Jade Humphrey, beloved sister and daughter." Chris read behind me, he immediately looked at me.

I managed a smile, "Meet my sister, Sab." I said

Truth be told, I miss her so much, I just wished she is here beside me now.

"I—I," Chris stuttered, but no words seems to come out of his mouth,

Before he can even say anything, I already knelt down in front of my sister's grave.

"Hey, Sab!" I said "I'm sorry; it took me so long to return."

"You're both at the same age," Chris commented, probably still analysing the writings on the tomb.

I looked up at him with a smile, "We're twins, dummy."

Like Sarah, Sab knows about Chris too, she may not be here in this world but she knew more than everything. I always went to her grave, sneaking out of the house every night when things with our parents and Chris get rough.

I stood up beside Chris, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Sab, this is Chris. He is my friend." I beamed

He's also the same Chris, I've been telling you a lot before, sis. I added in my mind.

"Hi, Sabrina!" Chris greeted, "It was nice to meet you."

We decided to hang around Sab's grave, eating the food he packed a while ago.

"Why did you bury her here if your family lives in LA?" Chris asked

I hastily tried to come up with some nice excuse, "Sab fell in love with DC when we went here, when we were little."

It's not a lie, Sab did fell in love with DC that's why we come here often, she was supposed to be buried in a cemetery in Pennsylvania but my parents decided to bury her here because she loves this place.

"If you don't mind me asking," Chris said "How did she die? I mean is she sick or something?"

Whenever my parents are asked about Sab's death, they always lie about it saying she was terminally ill or simply cancer, but that's not what really happened.

-Flashback- (10 years ago)

"Clarissa, slow down," Sabrina called, trailing behind me

We may be twins but Sabrina is the better version, she excels in everything; practically she's the best daughter. On the other hand, there's me, I'm just average; I just hide on her shadows at everything we do.

I was shy and collected while on the other hand Sab is outgoing and a certified social butterfly, that's why I get friends because most of them are friends with Sab. She always get the compliments from our parents, while I get the endless lectures; nevertheless, I didn't hold any grudges to Sab, instead I'm proud of her achievements. I love her and she's the only one in the family that is always at my side. She's literally my other half.

"Clarissa, I swear we'll make it before dinner." She assured

I kept my fast pace afraid of my beloved parent's wrath.

"Loosen up, will 'ya" she called, a mischievous grin appearing on her face

With just one look, I know that she's up to something and it was indeed confirmed when she screamed "Race you!"

She started sprinting down the road until we reach an intersection. I didn't stop and look around before crossing, since the traffic lights indicated stop and I was determined to get ahead of Sab, but that was the worst decision of my life.

All I see were blinding lights, making me halt in the middle of the street, then Sabrina came, pushing me hard to the curb where I hit my head enough to make my vision blurry, but I still witnessed the scene in front of me, Sab getting hit by the speeding car and laying lifeless in the middle of the street.

-End of Flashback-

I slowly looked at Chris who was intently listening to my story.

"I woke up in the hospital to find out that she's gone and her funeral was already done, the least I can do was to attend it but I didn't made it." I told him "To sum all of it out, it's my fault."

He quickly shook his head, "No Clary!" he protested, "It was an accident, and you can't blame anybody."

That's when my tears spill; I desperately tried to wipe it. As much as I hate Chris to see me this vulnerable, I can't help it anymore.

"Then why did all of them seem to blame me?" I almost screamed in frustration "They hated me, my parents, everybody."

Chris rubbed my back in attempt to comfort me, I know that he's definitely clueless of what he's doing but at least he's trying.

My family can't look at me the same way, without me reminding them of Sabrina, they might not say it but I can feel it through their burning gazes. Every family dinner is torture, I just want to get over it and curl up like a ball, while talking to Sarah since she still treats me like family.

When my mum looks at me I could feel the hatred radiation off, and my dad, he never wanted to see me again and he made that clear that I was even tempted to use my bedroom window as a door. I didn't blame them on why they treat me like that, they lost a daughter and to make it worst they are left with a lousy version.

My parents didn't visit Sab's grave, the funeral was their first and last visit since they still can't accept the fact that she's gone.

When we reached LA, I worked my ass off to save for an apartment and I moved out as soon as I reach eighteen. I was thankful that Dilton scouted me at one annual play of my school's drama guild and he offered me a scholarship to study at the California Institute of Arts, I immediately grabbed the opportunity, coz my parents literally disowned me the moment I moved out.

"I'm sure, Sabrina didn't blame you at all," Chris reassured me, "She also didn't want you to blame yourself about her death."

Every day, I always went to school an hour or two early because my parents would still be sleeping or else I need to go through the hassle of jumping out from my window. Chris and his friends are also there early, especially when they need to go on a morning run before they begin training, and I feel like I'm giving them time and chance to pick on me.

School didn't let me escape the blame and the feeling of being unwanted.

Every time that they pick on me, Chris always get the role for the parting words and his line never change, it was always 'A person like you doesn't deserve to live.'

It always hit me like a thousand blocks, he did everybody a favour for saying that because that's what everyone wants to say to me, maybe Sab is supposed to be the one who stay and I was the one who leave.

"Sometimes, I wonder if I was the one who's supposed to be buried six feet under," I quietly said, "That way I just spared the universe for having a fucked up person like me."

Chris' grip tightened, "Don't you ever say that again, Clary." He said "You're here for a reason, you deserve it."

I felt the need to look up on him and double check if it's still Chris because this is definitely not the Chris I know.

As of the moment, it doesn't matter who he is, I just needed someone to hold me close and tell me it'll be alright. Right now, that person is none other than, Chris Jameson.