Song of the chapter - Blue by Troye Sivan

The night before my beach trip with Robin was one of the worst nights I'd ever had. I seriously could not sleep at all. Well, who knows maybe I slept for an hour or so but it sure didn't feel like it. By the time I needed to get up and get ready, I was bleary eyed and miserable.

Have you ever had one of those nights where your brain just refuses to turn off and let you relax? Yeah, that was basically my situation. For the first half of the night I couldn't get Luke and Lillian out of my head. And that really pissed me off.

I had worked so hard to let go of any feelings I had for him. It really shouldn't have been that hard considering I basically picked him out of a line up to be my designated crush. It's not like it was love at first sight, or even like at first sight. I knew he was relatively new to the school, thought he was cute so I put him on my list. Simple.

But what I didn't realize was that we had become friends during third period that year. He was nice to me and treated me with respect. I know I didn't hang out with him after school but he never went out of his way to avoid me either. We just didn't move in the same circles.

I was surprised to feel sad about he and Lillian being together. It wasn't a surprise to know I had been hardcore friend zoned, that was pretty much the story of my life. Well, not exactly, just my story with Luke. The rest of them put me in the ignored zone, I wasn't even good enough to be friends with. But the fact that Luke just dropped the Lillian bomb like it was no big deal showed me that he never even noticed I had an interest in him.

Or was that his way of saying,"forget it Mallory, you don't have a chance with me."

Now do you see why I was up half the night?

But it was the other half of the night that left me feeling a little sick to my stomach. As I was trying to get my mind off of Luke and get some sleep, my mind wandered to Seth, without my permission mind you. I mean really, what 17 year old girl stays awake thinking about her brother? That's just weird.

Right, cause I'm a weirdo. I guess the Tyler situation basically determined that for all of us.

It wasn't unusual for Seth and I not to get along. That had always been our relationship in a nutshell, mutual dislike. I guess we just pretty much disliked one another so intensely that there was no going back. But for some reason, this time felt worse. It felt like we had just declared war with the enemy. If there was something I was not, it was a fighter. No, I was more like a lay down and dier(come on, that's got to be a real word!)

What threw me for a loop the most was that my mail reading skills had been completely shut down that entire day. If you recall, on Thursday, just one day before, I was all up in everyone's mail. Gina, Mr. Sally, sheesh even Seth's during the whole gang of goons afternoon special.

But one day later, on Friday, everyone seemed like they were aliens from space. Around every turn I was shell shocked. First was Seth's stoney silence, then Mia and her allegations, Gina and her defused anger, then Luke and his love life. I hadn't seen any of it coming. That must be why I couldn't sleep. My brain had malfunctioned. Where do you find a repair man for that?

So, by the time Robin came by early the next morning to pick me up, I was already needing a nap. It was going to be a full day at the beach and I really didn't have the energy for it. Robin took one look at me and gave me the pity face.

"What the hell happened to you? Up all night talking to a secret boyfriend?"

Crap! Did she know about the Tyler situation?

No, there was no way. I hadn't told anyone about that.

"Ha ha, I wish. I just couldn't sleep. I was thinking about Luke." Yeah, she really didn't need to know I was also thinking about Seth.

"Well, you can sleep on the drive if you want. You're gonna need some more energy than you've got to survive this day. I expect participation from you. And pep, no sulking."

"Pep? Who even says that?"

Robin just gave me the 'shut up' look with one eyebrow raised. You'd think she was my mom or something.

"Fine, I'll be peppy."

"Good. Let's go."

After a 45 minute drive, which did include a nap, we made it to the beach. It was a little cooler than I expected and definitely not bikini weather. We both had jeans and t-shirts on with sweatshirts for later. Robin's cousin, Bella, and most of her club soccer team was already at the beach.

What Robin didn't know, or forgot to tell me, was that another team was also at the beach. A boys team. Just what I needed after the week I'd had, boys.

"Why are these guys here?" Robin asked her cousin. I guess she really didn't know they were going to be there.

"The coach of my team is married to the coach of the boys team so they planned a double party."

"Oh, well lucky us!" Robin said a little too cheerfully.

"Yeah, yippy," I replied.

"Hey! Peppy, remember?" Robin snapped back at me.

"Yeah, okay, peppy. Sure." Whatever.

We got settled on the beach with chairs and snacks. The coaches got a bonfire going in one of the pits, boy they had a ton of wood too. This thing was supposed to last all day.

It was too cold for me to have anything to do with water. Actually I considered taking my shoes off and putting my toes on the very edge of the surf. But then I figured I would just be sandy and cold so I thought I'd save that for later.

Mostly, the girls sat around and talked about which boys we thought were cute.

The boys mostly played frisbee or tossed a football around. Is it "tossed" or "threw"? I can never remember. Or maybe it's "passed". Launched? Whatever. They had some kind of game going with it and most of them were involved.

A few brave souls, girls included, actually planned to go into the water. They were nuts. It was January for goodness sakes! About six guys were surfing, and at least they had wet suits so they wouldn't freeze. The girls, however, must have been dumber than rocks because they were in bikini's and just playing in the waves. Cue the hypothermia. I could hear them squeeling "it's so cold!" Ya think?

Those of us with knowledge of the weather, and seasons, and could read a thermometer, stayed near the fire.

"Did you see that one?" Robin asked Bella.

"The one with the jersey or the one with the muscle shirt?" She replied.

"Jersey. He is H.O.T, hot!" Robin whispered, kinda loudly.

I just rolled my eyes. Looks like I knew what we were doing for the rest of the day. Stalking Jersey mike, or whatever his name was.

"Did you see him, Mal? Don't you think he's hot." Robin looked at me.

"Yeah, I guess he's cute." He was, but I wasn't gonna waste my time on him. I had pretty much learned my lesson where cute boys were concerned.

"Okay, whatever Mal." Robin rolled her eyes. "Come on Bella, I want a closer look." She turned to her cousin.

The two of them got up and walked a few feet closer to the beach football game and plopped down to watch. Then they started doing cheers for the guys.

I signed and looked back out to the water. I decided it was as good a time as any to go put my feet in the tiny waves at the top of the sand. I took off my sandals, which I wore knowing that I would get sand in any other type of shoes and that would bug me all day. Then I rolled up the bottoms of my jeans so they wouldn't get too wet.

After I was all prepared, I got up and walked down to the water. I just barely touched my big toe to the water and sucked in a breath. Geez it was cold! But after a few tries I could tolerate the low temperature of the winter ocean water so I had both feet firmly planted in the sand.

Because I was at the waters edge, the sand was pretty firm and I didn't sink in too much. The water actually tickled a little as it washed over my feet. And the thing about little ticklely waves is, you can't stay grumpy around them.

I admit it. I was really grumpy that morning. What with all of my Friday problems and then practically no sleep, I figured I had a pretty good excuse for being crabby, grumpy and a general Debbie downer. But I guess the ocean changed all of that.

I was letting the water continue to tickle my feet while I watched the waves come in and go out. It was continuous, as waves tend to be, and the rhythm became soothing. Then I looked at the great expanse of water before me and suddenly felt small and powerless. In a good way, if that makes any sense.

I guess I got all philosophical and the ocean helped me realize something. If I'm smaller and much less powerful than the ocean, my problems can't be that big either. So some of my classmates are jerks. So my brother is a pain all the time. And so boys don't really notice me much. Are any of those problems really that terrible? I mean, with a world big enough to hold that enormous body of water AND billions of people, there must be bigger problems than what I'm dealing with.

So I stopped being a major downer and started giggling. Yes, just like a typical girl, which I wasn't but who cares. I danced around at the edge of the water playing keep away with the waves, just like a little kid. I felt better than I had in a really long time and all of those so called problems seemed to wash away with the surf.

And right on cue, someone from the boys team decided to invade my happy place.

"Hey. Looks like you're having fun. Can I join you."

I looked up to tell whoever came to interrupt me to take a hike (I guess I was still a little grumpy) but when I saw him, I practically swallowed my own tongue.

He was cute. I couldn't tell if he was the hot variety of cute or just generally good looking because he had on a baseball cap and sunglasses. But from what little facial structure I saw, he seemed pretty swoon worthy. Then I noticed his biceps because he was wearing a tank top and I thought yup, he's a hottie.

Remember I had a thing for biceps so that's kinda all it took.

"Um sure I guess." Smooth, Mallory.

"Cool."

The dude had shorts on and was already barefoot so he started jumping in and out of the little waves with me. After a few minutes we were both laughing and dancing in the water. I think it was the closest thing to a date I had ever had.

After a while of wave dancing, the dude asked, "So, what's your name?"

"Mallory. And you are?"

"Oh, TJ."

Then silence for a minute.

TJ broke the silence. "What position do you play?"

"Oh, I'm not on the team. My friend's cousin, Bella, plays. We just came along for the day."

"Oh."

"Are you on the team?"

"I was, but I'm moving next week so I can't really get to practice easily anymore. I have to quit."

"Oh." Moving. That's too bad, I guess I wouldn't see him anymore. Not that I would have been seeing him much anyway. Bella lived an hour from Robin which means that the teams were also an hour away. TJ wouldn't be in my general area even if he wasn't moving.

"Okay, well I'm gonna see what the guys are up to now. See ya, Mallory."

"Yeah, see ya."

Well, that was weird. But just before TJ walked away, he took off his sunglasses. That was a problem, a big one. He was hot. And his eyes were green. Oh man, I was in trouble.

I smiled at him and he smiled back. Then he went back over to where a bunch of guys were sitting. I decided I was done with the waves so I went back over to Robin and Bella.

They were sitting closer to the bonfire, thankfully, and I immediately started warming my feet by the fire.

"Hey," Robin started, "who was that guy you were talking to. He was really cute!"

Hands off woman he's mine! was what ran through my head.

What I said was, "TJ. He was on the team but said he was moving so..."

"Oh, you must mean Tyler." Bella said.

My mouth fell open. My heart was pounding in my throat. I felt like it was pounding in my ears because I couldn't hear anything anymore.

"Tyler?" I managed to choke out, "He said TJ."

"Yeah, he goes by TJ because he's a junior, you know his dad is named Tyler too."

"Oh." I said. But I was thinking, WHAT THE HECK!

Cute Tyler who has nice biceps and green eyes and plays soccer?

The only thing I didn't know about was his hair. Was it blond and short on the sides but long on top? I looked over to where he was sitting and got my answer. He had taken his cap off and was running his fingers through his BLONDE hair which WAS longer on top.

Oh. My. Gosh!

I made up this boy in my head and now he was right in front of me. I couldn't breathe right anymore. And he was moving. I might never see him again. This was too weird. It had to be a dream. I found myself looking at my toes which were still warming by the fire.

"Mallory are you okay?" Robin asked with concern.

"Um, uhuh." That's pretty much the extent of my vocabulary at that point. And I couldn't really explain why I was kind of freaking out. No one knew about my imaginary boyfriend.

"Oh, cause TJ has been looking right at you for about 5 minutes, you know," she said with a smirk.

Well, the Tyler situation just took on a whole new meaning.

^^^^^

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Here's TJ!!

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