Song of the chapter - Just Hold On by Louis Tomlinson and Steve Aoki

A week of having lunch in the shelter had taken its toll on me. It felt like a job, having to be "on" the entire time. I listened to soccer banter, fake laughed at cheer jokes, and turned down Mitch's offer of tootsie rolls, gummy bears and red ropes. That guy had some kind of sweet tooth! Either that or he really was the life of the party, and needed to make everyday like lunch at Chuck E. Cheese.

TJ was always the perfect boyfriend. He made sure I had a seat next to him, and helped me clean the table afterward. By the time the dreaded Friday finally made an appearance, I had eased into the lunch shelter routine. I just hoped that Mitch had some chocolate this time. At least then my Friday wouldn't suck as hard.

After my Spanish class, with still no sign of Gina, I eagerly made my way to English for my daily classroom dose of TJ. He was waiting by the class for me, as usual, but I immediately noticed something was off. He had his head down, looking at his phone, with a distressed expression on his face. The look he held was one that made little butterflies in my stomach, but not the good kind. Suddenly, I was worried. What could be so bad that he made that face?

As I approached, TJ's head snapped up and the look was gone, replaced by a smile and a wink. Something felt wrong still, because that smile wasn't the one I had gotten used to. It looked more like the one I had been using at the shelter - fake.

"Hey," he said and grabbed my hand, although not quite as tight as I had felt just the day before. He walked us to class and opened the door, as he had every day since starting this school and finding out we had a class together. We sat next to each other and took out our notebooks, but said nothing. Usually at this point, TJ made some silly joke, or said something really sweet. But that day he just smiled and turned his attention to the book we were currently reading in class.

"What's up?" Luke said as he took his seat on my other side. We made quite the strange sandwich, the three of us. Suddenly, however, it seemed like the sandwich was flipped. TJ was the quiet brooding one, and Luke was all smiles and joy. "It's Friday!"

"Yeah," I said with a grumble. The way TJ was acting just made Friday feel more real. Of course, it was Friday! That must be the explanation for his mood. I hadn't been his girlfriend on a Friday yet, so I decided that must be the reason. Friday struck again.

I said that way too often.

"You should be smiling, Mal. Friday's are awesome!" Luke added. I didn't answer. I just gave him an audible moan, or groan, or some kind of grumble. It's really hard to describe unintelligible sounds.

I heard TJ make a similar sound. See, even he agreed with me. Friday's sucked.

"Anyway, I've got a chill weekend planned. How about you?" Luke directed his inquiry to me. Sadly I did not have an interesting answer for him.

I shrugged, "Not sure yet." And that's about as Friday as it could get.

Class continued with the same vibe. Luke was too happy for my taste. TJ was ominously quiet. And I was stuck in the middle. Both literally and figuratively. When the bell finally rang, the butterflies returned, with friends. Too many for my taste. Those bugs beat the heck out of my stomach wondering what was going on with TJ. I should have just asked, but maybe it had something to do with his mom. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. So I decided to suck up my worries and try to cheer him up, just in case he had gotten some bad news.

As we started to leave class, I reached first for TJ's hand and grabbed it the way he usually grabbed mine. His gaze went right to our entwined appendages and I saw a slight smile on his lips. Mission accomplished. Friday could kiss my booty.

We exited the class, then said our goodbyes until lunch. Thankfully there was only one more class until then, so the butterflies wouldn't have a chance to recruit even more buddies.

Lunch rolled around, finally, and I was on my way to the previously dreaded shelter. I still dreaded it, but this time it was more about anticipating TJ's sour mood. And wondering if it was still sour. My stomach dropped when I arrived at said shelter, and the soccer gang, because his face had the same scowl he'd had earlier. In fact, it may have been worse. I sucked up all of my fears and decided to just ask.

"Hey," I said as I sat next to him, "everything okay?"

TJ's eyebrows went up as he looked over to me, "oh, yeah, fine."

Why wasn't I reassured... "Well, if there's anything you need to talk about, I'm here," I said, hoping to give him an opening.

His eyes softened, suddenly looking more sad than worried. "Thanks, Mal. I appreciate that," he responded, but then turned back to his lunch, never saying anything more.

The silence was deafening. It spoke volumes, because no one is that quiet if they're happy about life. I've been subjected to plenty of silence in my life. Sometimes it's angry silence, like Seth. Gina's silence also seemed pretty mad. But TJ's felt like worry and sadness all wrapped up together. For some reason, his silence felt much worse than the other kinds.

"Do you have practice today?" I asked as the lunch bell rang. TJ and I were already cleaning up the remains of Mitch's candy party, sweet tarts, not chocolate. I really could have used some chocolate that day, too.

"Um, yeah," he said. Then nothing, back to his silence.

My stomach churned. It didn't feel like he was mad at me. But it did feel like he had pulled away from me. I didn't know what to do and I could feel my own panic start to build. What in the world was going on?

"Call me later?" I asked, trying not to sound as desperate as I felt. I needed some reassurance that everything would return to normal, that whatever he was working through wouldn't affect the two of us.

"Sure," was his quiet reply, not helping relieve my worry at all.

Great.

As we parted ways for class, TJ hugged me, and I found myself wondering if that was a hug goodbye. I was crossing my fingers that it was a see-you-later, instead.

***

"What's for dinner?" Seth shouted from the back room the second my mom got home from work. Sheesh, he hadn't even given her the chance to take off her coat.

"Meatloaf," she yelled back to him. Yuck. Not my favorite dinner, but at least we'd get some garlic bread out of it. She always made garlic bread with meatloaf.

"Mom, I can make the bread," I offered. My stomach hadn't felt less knotted up since I got home. TJ hadn't called me yet, even though I was pretty sure his practice ended already. I was just trying to stay busy to take my mind off of the whole situation. It wasn't working too well.

"Oh, sorry honey. I forgot to pick up any bread." Mom was already pulling ingredients out for the dreaded meatloaf.

Was it weird that I suddenly wanted to cry? All that tension since pretty much the beginning of my day, and then my mom dropped the no garlic bread bomb. That's pretty much all that needed to happen for the waterworks to flow.

"Right, kay," I managed to say without choking up. Instead of attempting to salvage what had become the worst meal on a Friday possible, I decided to hide in my room. Crying privately seemed less awkward. I really didn't want to explain why I was crying. My mom didn't exactly know I had a boyfriend, so telling her that he had given me the cold shoulder all day would pretty much blow my secret love life.

She knew I had gone to the dance with him, sure. But having a boyfriend meant having the talk. No thanks, I knew what I needed to know, and didn't need to hear my mom talking about it. Just ewww.

It was time to put on my big girl pants and woman up. I needed to call TJ and force him to talk to me. This silent treatment was not okay for any reason, even if it had nothing to do with me. Especially if it had nothing to do with me, now that I thought about it. My stomach couldn't take the not knowing anymore.

I climbed the stairs, slowly, dreading the task awaiting me but knowing the time had come. I may have been a first time girlfriend, but I refused to be blind to a problem. And this was a problem.

I sat on my bed, right on the end, and pulled out my phone. Strangely, my room was clean. Everything was picked up and put away, and even my bed was made with the little throw pillows and teddy bears neatly in place. My surroundings, all tidy and sweet, did not match my state of mind, which was a complete mess. I took a deep breath after pulling up TJ's contact, then stared at it for ten minutes.

Ten minutes is a really long time when you're avoiding reality. I needed to talk to him, but I really didn't want to have the conversation I knew we were about to have. Don't ask me how I knew, but I did. Maybe my mail reading skills had finally kicked back in.

Yay me.

Finally mustering up the little courage I had, I hit the contact and my phone did the rest. No turning back now. I lifted the phone to my ear with a shaky grip. There was no way this would end well.

The second that thought crossed my mind, I mentally smacked myself. Why was I so sure this had anything to do with us? Any number of things could have made TJ retreat into himself. Honestly, I didn't really know him that well, so maybe that's just what he was like. Before I had anymore time to dissect TJ's personality, he answered the phone.

"Hey, Mal. What's up?" he asked. His voice sounded tired.

I took a deep breath, trying to sound casual. "Hey, how was practice?"

"Fine. I stayed late to talk to Coach about some stuff."

That explained why he hadn't called earlier. I started to feel a little better. Maybe he was stressed about soccer.

"Oh, was he giving you some pointers?" I asked, not sure what soccer terminology to use.

"Sort of." Then he did something that made my stomach drop. TJ took a deep breath. "Actually, Mal, that's something I need to talk to you about, too."

Oh. Crap.

"Ok," I said in a whisper.

"The thing is..." he started. That is never a good start, not when the guy has been giving you the silent treatment. I waited patiently for him to continue. "I'm moving," he said finally.

"What? Again?" This family was obsessed with moving I guess.

"My dad, the one I'm living with now, got stationed in Germany. I had the option to stay here, but I've decided to go. I'll have more opportunities for professional soccer over there. It's just a place to start over I guess."

My heart broke. Both for what this might mean for the two of us, but also because of TJ's situation. "When are you leaving?"

"In a few weeks," he answered quietly. "And I think it's probably a good idea if we break up."

I should have been shocked by his statement, but truthfully I saw it coming. I didn't respond immediately so TJ filled the awkward silence.

"I just don't know what will happen, you know? I might be there long term. What if we date and do this long distance, what if you don't want to come over to join me later? I might want to marry you, and you might not want to move there."

Whoa buddy. Marriage? I'd literally been dating him for a week. And yeah I liked him, a lot, but I had no thoughts of marriage already. I started to think about what he had said, though. Eventually a relationship either breaks up or moves to the next level. Would I want to leave my family and move all the way to Germany?

Yes they annoyed me, especially Seth. I spent more time in my room than with them. But they were my family and I needed them. There was no way I could make any promises to move to Germany. Not at that point.

"You're right. I'm not sure I could ever do that, and leave everyone."

I heard him let out another breath. "I'm really sorry, I like you a lot Mallory. You're a great girl. I just need to do this."

"I understand. And I really like you too. I hope things work out in Germany for you."

"Thanks. Bye, Mal."

"Bye, TJ."

Without anything else, we ended the call. I was sad, but I realized he had done me a favor. My heart wasn't crushed, but it might have been if we dated longer. I would survive.

It stilled sucked. And it was still Friday. No, chocolate, no garlic bread and no boyfriend. That Friday was the Mac daddy of them all.

^^^^^

Did you see that coming? How are you feeling about TJ? Did he do the right thing or is he a huge douche? I just hope Mallory doesn't get some I told you so's from Luke...

Just Hold On is so sad, it felt right for this one.

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