The work week passed in a blur.
I had asked for and gotten an assistant, my girl Daze.
I knew her from my elementary days, probably around the 4th grade.
Some kid Billy was bullying me, and Daze saw it and stepped in.
She threatened him and actually smacked him, telling him to leave me alone.
Then she just became my friend as simple as that.
Our friendship continued through the years, I counted her as a friend who became more like family.
Daze, who's real name was Daisy, (although I knew nobody that actually called her that) was hood, thru and thru, but could also hob nob with bankers, and the elite, equally as comfortable in a crowded club as she was in a boring boardroom.
Possessed of a keen mind, one that computed numbers the way I did with words, took me up on the offer to come work with me.
She proved to be a definite fit at End of the Road.
She made short work of the shoeboxes, computing and tabulating everything with ease and dillengence. Her knowledge of financial matters that made Smythe even more comfortable with the idea of her working with us.

It was also a comfort to me to have someone I knew so well and another female around our boisterous crew of boys.
Because of her personality, and being quite used to being around the roughneck type that he employed, work was actually fun instead of a drudgery.

Smythe was a "last chance" equal opportunity employer, meaning he would hire those with misdemeanors and even felonies, giving them this "last chance" that most wouldn't.
He was no stranger to the life most of our guys had lived, or were currently living.
He had cleaned his act up, although I suspected the business was a way to launder his money, he was exceptionally good at making sure everything stayed on the up and up, beyond reproach and above board.
He had to actually, because of the number of ex convicts he had on payroll, law enforcement frequently sniffed around, so making sure everything ran smoothly was his number one concern.
I had never seen him anything less than debonair, polished, and professional, but knew for a fact, he too had edge.
He had a definite crush on Daze.
As each day passed I could see that they were going to have a thing soon.
That's what Sam referred to it as, saying that their "thing" was about to pop off any moment.
Big bro just had to work out the difficult moral dilemma he faced, and that was catching feelings and possibly dating someone in his employ.
I wished it would happen because
she needed someone as rock steady as him, as much as he needed someone fun and a live wire.
A beauty to his beast, as it were.

As for me, I got all but one file folder entered into the data base by Friday, and he couldn't contain his glee.
When he saw the front office remain immaculate, business booming, the way in which I repped his company, he was more than content with having me to continue on, as the face of End of the Road.
"Nikole," he shouted, pulling me out of my chair where I was plodding along charting new trends in salvage.
"You did it, I'm so happy with all the progress you've made in the short amount of time you've been here!"
He picked me up and spun me around in a circle, causing me to giggle in merriment, and of course Sam WOULD pick that moment to come thru the door, and see it.
"Yo, what the fuck, man, put my girl down! That's my domain!"
He said this, looking irritated, and grimaced a look of anger at his brother.
Smythe lowered me to my feet.
"Aw, shucks bro," he said back, "I was just thanking her for all the improvements around here!
There's no need to get all cave man on me!"
"Oh, you wanted to thank her, I see" Sam drawled sarcastically.
"Watch carefully, Smythe!"
He turned to me and said,
"Thanks so much for all your hard work this week. You are a big help"
Then turned back to his brother and said his words practically dripping with his ire, "See how that works? And look at that, her feet didn't leave the floor, WOW!"
Smythe stared at him for a moment, then held his hands up said, "My bad bro, won't happen again."
He dared not to look at me, shoved a hand in the pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a thick knot.
He peeled 5 bills off the wad and handed them to me saying only, "Thanks again Nic, we appreciate you"
I looked at the money in my hand, about to hand it back to him.
This was my actual job, and my biweekly paycheck would recompense me just fine.
Sam shook his head slightly, anticipating my next move, and I realized to hand this back to Smythe would be insulting.
I shoved it into my blazer pocket instead, soothed my below my knee black skirt, and sat back down, once again going back to my task.

Smythe turned back to Sam and said, "Hey, I need her tomorrow for the Andorra store, alright?
That okay by you or don't you trust me?"
I could tell he was trying to control his temper too, because Sam was far from the only hothead in the family.
They all had the famed Docquerty temper, it's just Sam's was the worst.

"Up to her, I think, don't you? I'm not her Daddy!"
He said this to me, and to his brother, still pissed.
I could always tell these things.
He looked at me then, and I was glad he chose the words he had, because it allowed me to appear like I was blushing at his comment, and not the lie I now had to cover.
I only nodded and averted my eyes, a silly smirk on my face, remembering that I did call him daddy sometimes!
I looked back at him with laughter in my gaze, forcing his smirk to come out, and his anger kicked back down a notch or two.
I knew he was remembering as well.
Smythe said, a weird look on his face, "Ugh, gross y'all, get a room!
Matter of fact, take off now if y'all want.
Nic, I'll come get you tomorrow by 9, so be ready, alright?"
I nodded and powered down the computer, grabbed my handbag and took Sam's hand, squeezing it a little.
I looked up at him and said, "Come on babe, let's go home!"
He glanced down at me and nodded.
We said our goodbyes and vacated the premises.
Although the week had gone by quickly, I was unusually tired, wanting only a hot soak, Sam's company and a good meal.

We got home I soaked and got into a comfy pajama set then went about making dinner.
I made a meatloaf, twice backed potatoes, and creamed spinach.
We talked as we ate, and his earlier agitation seemed gone.
Maybe he was just hungry!
I knew I was starving, but not for sustenance.
I was craving him, nothing unusual.
He still was refusing to actually have relations with me, despite my best efforts to tempt him.
I had even, last night, gone down on him, wearing my prettiest lingerie set.
Even though he again returned the favor and it was awesome, I really needed to have him inside me.

Looking at him with longing, I asked quietly if we could go to bed, but not to sleep.
"Ya little nympho," he cracked at me, grinning good naturedly and said "Nah, lil bit, two more days, I said a week, and I meant it"
My face fell and I felt myself starting to tear up.

What was wrong with me? My emotional side seemed to be coming out more lately.
I chalked it up to constantly being denied my wants and needs sexually.
Without another word, I cleared our plates, did the dishes and went to our room.
I finally allowed my tears to fall.
I laid down, still sobbing, and he was suddenly there beside me asking me the reason for the tears.
I told him, "It's like we're just roommates and you don't want me anymore. It hurts me babe. I'm a woman with needs and I have a need for you.
It's like I can't breathe right without you."
He looked at me and gathered me close to him saying with a scoff, "Roommates, huh, yeah okay, Lil Bit,"
he added, "I never let my females before you live with me, or actually cared whether or not they needed a rest from 'the monster'.
I used to be all about me, and what I wanted, but you changed me.
I'm better, more attuned to and sensitive to my woman, because of you ghosting me, actually"
He kissed me softly on my neck biting a little and laid down with me, just holding me.
"Besides that, I'm a little pissed at you still"
I sat up and said, in astonishment, "Me!! Why?"
He glared at me for the first time since us getting back, said, "because you robbed me, us really, of our weekend off together."
He was mad!
"I thought you would ask him to postpone Andorra to during the work week, after I could get Knowles to approve me going too."
He ran his hand down his face in aggravation, continued, voice deepening with censure
"You let my brother put his hands on ya and seemed to enjoy it, like ya forgot for a second, you're MY girl! MINES, you got that Lil Bit? I didn't like that shit, at all!"
I cried then, saying I was sorry, that of course I didn't have no type of feelings for Smythe except for as his big brother, and my brother in law, but he still refused to relent.
I went to sleep unsatisfied, slept poorly, had another nightmare and woke up in our bed, alone.

Before I knew it, his brother was at the door and I gathered my things, kissed Sam softly, and apologized again, which he didn't acknowledge.
I took my leave then, barely giving Sam any eye contact, because I was afraid he'd see the deceit in my eyes.
I had never actually lied to him before, and this wasn't a lie exactly.
Oh, WHO was I kidding!
It was a lie by omission.
I prayed I was doing the correct thing here.
I was doing something I knew Sam wouldn't like, but for all the right reasons.
I should've just told him what was planned.
My stomach hurt and I developed an almost instant migraine.
I managed to quell my nausea and proved a fast learner at the gun range, Smythe declared me a natural.
The drive back to Philly, from of all places, Warminster, went pretty smooth.
We didn't talk much, and I played with the radio fiddling with it till I heard my preferred music, hip hop, come on.
I nodded my head to the beat of Method Man and Mary J Blige and began rapping along to their song "All I Need."

It's Sam and my song.

I glanced over to see Smythe grinning good naturedly at me, to which I quirked up an eyebrow, and said "What??"
He said, "It's nothing Ma, just always cracks me up that you like rap as much as you do."
I smiled and said nothing.
We stopped in to check on things in Andorra, and then he dropped me home.

I was standing in front of the door actually afraid to go inside.
As soon as I closed the door, Sam said from the couch where he was sitting, in voice so quietly furious, I winced despite myself.
"You already got one, so I'mma ask you, just answer me right now, WHERE THE FUCK YOU BEEN!!"
I stuttered, "I, I was with, with ya brother, at work at the Andorra shop!"
He practically flew off the couch and was standing right in front of me, actual sadness in his eyes.
"That's two Nikole, you wanna make it three?"
I backed up a few steps, I really couldn't help myself.
When a person suffered physical abuse, the bruises would fade away to nothingness.
A wound would heal up, till it was only a raised white line on the surface of the skin.
But the memories would always remain, and sometimes I would forget who I was with.
He looked down at me sadly, and commented, "still scared you'll do something to make me harm ya, huh?"
He reached out and lightly caressed the side of my face, leaving it there and continued, "that won't ever happen, so don't worry.
I would remove myself to a different room, or leave the crib altogether before I would lose my control and beat you up!"
I turned my head to the side, and kissed the palm of his hand quickly.
I could see him gathering his thoughts as he continued, but you still ain't answer me, you wanna go for 3?"
My curiosity got the best of me and I said questioningly, "3 what?"
He answered by dropping his hand, standing up straight, looking away and saying "Three weeks and no nookie. And no other things, either!" He swung his gaze back my way, locking his eyes with mine when he said, nodding his head, "You on dick restriction!
I told you, I don't gotta put my hands on you to make you hurt.
I could just not put my hands, or any other part of my body, on you!
Now tell me, where the fuck you been!"
Inner me winced and covered her eyes, of absolutely no help!
Wasn't no point in lying, that would make it even worse.
He knew I hadn't been in Andorra.
I looked up at him, tears clouding my vision.
I hate when he gets mad, well no, that's not the right word.
He was infuriated!
It all just tumbled out, "I went with Smythe to Warminster, to the gun range"
I slid my hand into my handbag, still on my shoulder, produced the receipt of the permit to conceal and carry I had applied for.
I handed it to him and said quietly, " I know you said I don't have to ever give you proof of anything, but I want you to look at it.
I'm not lying now.
I was with big bro, and he taught me how to handle a weapon.
Said I took to it like a fish takes to water"
He looked disapproving, looked at the paper, nodding his head when he saw I'd applied.
"This is what you was up to? But this ain't nothing to lie to me over.
I don't understand why you and him felt the need to keep it from me" he said confusedly.
I hurried to explain.
"I know I should have told you, and it's not that I thought you wouldn't be all for it.
I just knew Knowles wouldn't give you the go ahead to travel, and I didn't want you to be all pissed.
"I did it, because what if HE ever comes for me, and you aren't right with me? What if," I continued shakily, "he made sure I had nobody coming to help me! I wanna be prepared for anything! I'm sorry I lied, I just didn't want you to worry!"

He made a pshhh sound, saying in an aggressive tone, "Yeah, that worked out real well, didn't it!"
He continued, glaring at me, said "Alright Nikole. That's two weeks you on restriction, one week for lying to me and another week for making me worry about you, it's time for you to learn to respect your man"
He dropped his head down and left the room, leaving me to wonder, why I didn't just listen to my own mind.

"Because you're an idiot!"
Inner me responded snarkily.
I couldn't discount that, inner me was right.
That was a dummy move.

I went and prepared dinner, and just as it was finished, he came downstairs to answer the door.
A box of pizza.
I said I cooked, you don't have to eat that....my words just trailed off as he walked back upstairs with the pizza, as he pointedly gave me the silent treatment.

Great, I had done it now.

He'd done this silent treatment to me before, while incarcerated, and while it was bad, I could deal with it.
He had gone so far as to deny my visits and not call on phone time.
I had gone out with a friend I had at the time that he couldn't stand, after I mentioned it on the previous visit.
He told me he would rather I didn't go anywhere with her, she was bad news.
I went anyway and he dropped the punishment down so quickly I didn't even know it was coming.

This was infinitely worse.

I tried in vain to talk to him, but for the remainder of the weekend, he refused to talk to me, even not sleeping next to me.
I cried a lot those days.
Monday came and the whole rest of that week, he rode us to work and took us home, still not a word, or a touch, he barely even looked at me.

He wasn't speaking to Smythe either.

Two weeks and three days passed by in this exact way.
The worst of it came one night a week before it ended, when he came in our room after showering, laid next to me naked and when I went to touch him, he glared, shook his head at me, then turned over, giving me his back.

I stopped trying to talk, to cook for him, to engage him in any way. because okay, I HAD fucked up, but THAT didn't warrant THIS!
I hated dick restriction, he had done this to me before too, but hadn't ever coupled the punishments.

It was bad enough, dick restriction, but I could deal with it, knowing that eventually, we would make up.
He was about as insatiable as I was.
Usually all I had to do was go to him and apologize for what it was I'd done.

This was only the third time in our whole relationship he'd dropped it down on me.
The first time it had lasted for like three days.
That time I'd said something he really didn't like.
The second time was maybe two months later, and it had lasted a whole week.
I had made plans to go out to a bar with one of my Hooligan Girls, back then there was one chick, Allison, that he could not stand.
Thought she was a hoe, and told me, "That bitch is not your friend!"
I mentioned plans with her, he told me he didn't want me to go.
More than that, he flat out forbade me to go.
I hadn't liked the fact that he thought he could boss me around.
Mind you, this was only a few months after I gave him my virginity and started sleeping with him.
Still believed in the power of the pussy I guess.
Let me tell y'all, the pussy got power, but the dick was made from steel, but so was his control, as I would soon find out.
I was being stubborn and hardheaded.

So I went anyway.

I wasn't even there two hours, barely had a couple drinks in me and was just sitting there feeling irritated, because Ali had flat left me for a boy on a Harley.
I'd went and disrespected my man, and I knew I was gonna get yelled at or put on dick restriction, maybe both.

I looked up and he was just there.
He asked, "why you sitting there, alone? where ya friend at?
I'd had to admit she left me behind, over a boy, loot and dick.
He'd smirked and said, "told you that bitch ain't ya friend, she a fucking alley cat."
He'd held out a hand to me, said, "come on lil bit, this ain't no place for my lil bitch to be."
We left and went back to the crib and when I tried to start things up, he said "Nope, you on dick restriction."
It didn't end till I went to him and apologized for not listening to him and putting myself in harm's way.
He had always hated when I did something he couldn't protect me from.
He was very protective and possessive of me.

I had learned my lesson tho.

Two months later, I was again invited out and mentioned I wanted to go, while we were on the phone.
He said no, when I told him who was all gonna be there.
Mostly because Ali Cat, as we privately called her, was going.
I started to argue with him on it and he said, "I said no, Lil Bit, but go ahead and disrespect me if you wanna."
Then banged on me in a fit of temper.
I'd made him tip.

I didnt like it, but abided his wishes and called them all up, saying I couldn't go, saving Ali for last.
She said that she didn't know why I let him control me, and that I was dick whipped, and brainwashed.
I got mad and snapped back angrily, that at least I had a man, one that claimed me, and that it wasn't control it was respect.
She responded back she coulda had my man if she wanted, and all she would have to do is tell him she was ready to be with him and I would get left.
I rolled my eyes, not believing that for a second, because my man hated her.
Anytime she was around I would end up getting a restriction.
Suddenly, I realized what he'd been telling me all along was true.
This bitch was NOT my friend!
I told her not to bother coming to hang with us, that she wasn't part of the crew anymore, and the I banged on HER.
I was in the shower, my mom and siblings out somewhere, when Sam apparently had called me back, and my being in the shower, music on blast, hadn't heard it ring.
He had called mostly to see if I had gone out anyway, got furious when he got no answer.
Anyway, I had my shower and was sitting doing my nails watching a sitcom, waiting for him to call me.
My hair was still wrapped in a towel,
I had one of his tee shirts, a pair of shorts on, and was barefoot, when he came banging on the door like he was possessed.
I answered it and he looked me over from tip to toe, saw that I was obviously home, and said a little drunkenly, "where you was, I couldn't find you in any of our usual bars!"
I answered, a bit flippantly, "I been here! Where else would I be?"
He looked at me then and said, "yeah where else...with that stupid Ali Cat at a bar like yu wanted!"
I responded that "I had wanted to go, but you told me I couldn't, and how its all about respecting your man, lil bit"
I said it just the way he always said it, even deepening my voice, and raising my brow.
He'd smirked, picked me up, kissed me until my senses reeled, smacked me on my ass, told me I always was a smart chick and left as quickly as he'd arrived.

He respected me as his girl, like he expected me to respect HIM.
The next day when I arrived over at his spot, he'd shown me that as bad as dick restriction was, that my listening to him and loyal actions had earned me the opposite of that.
He catered to me that day, I remembered now with a smile and a blush, as I recalled that had been the very first time he had ever put me against a wall while he had his way with me.
I could barely even walk or sit comfortable afterwards.
Up until then, he hadn't shown me it could be in other places besides the bed, and it was the first time for rough sex too, because it finally didn't hurt quite as much.
I had gotten accustomed to his size and loved how he handled me.

But in the here and now, this restriction, coupled with the silent treatment, I couldn't bear it.

It made me feel like I didn't exist.
I swallowed yet another sob, steeled my will, and decided, FINE!
I was giving him the silent treatment right back!
I was too hurt to care if he noticed or not.

Three weeks.

This was going on three weeks, today being Saturday.
I left early in the morning, leaving him a note saying I was going to the save a lot to get groceries in.
When I exited the store he was leaning on the car, and still without a word to me, gathered up the packed bags, stowed them in the trunk and drove us home, where after he brought everything in, we unpacked together and put it all away in silence.

I prepared his favorite dinner of steak, homemade gravy, white rice and broccoli.
When everything except the broccoli was done, I lifted the lid off the pan to check it's doneness, the smell of it cooking nauseated me so badly that I raced to the powder room off the parlor just in time to puke my guts out.
I felt awful, I was dizzy and felt like I was about to pass out.
I threw up again and stood up, waiting to feel just as bad as I had before I tossed my cookies.

I felt normal.
Weird.

Hoping I wasn't catching the flu that had laid most of the staff low at work, I washed my face, rinsed my mouth out and returned to the kitchen where he had finished cooking and was plating a serving for himself.

I looked at the table and he'd made me a plate too, the first nice thing he had done for me in three weeks.

I smiled gratefully, took my place, and ate like I was starving,

That evening, after I had a nice hot soak, I threw on my naughtiest lingerie set and stood at the mirror in our room brushing my hair.
He was laying in bed shirtless, a pair of boxers covering his lower half.
A glance in the mirror gave me confirmation that he was staring at me.
Finally gathering my nerves I went over to him, hesitantly said, while looking at him closely,
"When are you gonna speak to me, baby, I can't take it no more!
I'm sorry okay!
I'm sorry I lied and made you worry! I'm sorry I went with Smythe, and kept you in the dark, I'm sorry I didn't include you in my decisions!"
Then I climbed on the bed and sat perched atop him.
He didn't move me off of him like I expected him to.
Instead, he sat up with me and finally held me tight, looked at me at me and said "Right now!" He looked at me with a serious gaze and continued
"That's what I been waiting for you to say for three weeks. Not because it's what you thought I needed to hear but because you really mean it"

He kissed me then, and just like always, fireworks went off in my head.

"That's it, this is all I had to do, apologize from my heart? But I would've done this weeks ago if I knew it's what it would take!"
I sighed and wrapped my arms around him, and I kissed him this time, lightly tracing his back tatt.

"Respect your man, lil bit" he said after breaking our kiss. "If I don't know where you are, I can't come to get you, should the need arise.
I know you was with my brother so I felt a little better, I know he'd protect you, but I still ain't like you being alone with him.
I'm a jealous, real territorial dude, Lil Bit, that shit made me furious!
I didn't speak to you because you should have known it would piss me off, and you did it anyways!"
"I thought we was over for sure, that I made you quit me" I cried out loud then.
He shook his head at me, and grinned tenderly.
"Naw, you was being hardheaded and little deceitful.
You did what you did for a good reason, so I can't stay mad at you, and besides, that last time we was at quits, it wasn't good for me.
You my whole heart, lil bit, I can't be without you"
He leered at me comically, "you stuck with me girl, get used to it"
I giggled and wiggled my hips, causing his already hard member to harden even more in response.

"Is restriction over now?
Can we make up?
I really can't take no more baby"
I asked, lowering my lashes and me giving him the look for a change.
"Yes baby, it's over, come to daddy"
He slapped my ass and flipped us over touching me everywhere it seemed.

"This is a cute set ma, love the way you look it it," he unzipped the front of it and said, "let me see how it'll look over here," taking it off of me and throwing it on the floor and said with a scorching hot look and smirked at it, then at me, "damn! It looks real good there!"

I smirked despite myself, laughing at his silliness.

And then he looked down at me, in the lace and silk boy shorts, that went to the set and promised me with a gleam in his eye, "I'll buy you some more" and before I knew what he was going to do, he gripped the sides and ripped them off me!
"Been too long, my lil bitch, and I can't wait" he growled it at me, like he always did when I had him worked up this way.

With that, he freed himself from his boxers and started caressing me, lifted my legs to his shoulders and entered me slowly, my sighs mixed with his deep breathing.
When he was as deep as he could get,
a look crossed his face, which I saw because I was watching him intently. As quick as it appeared, it was gone, but his eyes now sparkled at me.

He began to move erotically, rode me slowly, until I was soaking wet.
In that position all I could do was brace my hands on his upper arms and enjoy it, I couldn't really move.
It was starting to hurt a little too. Before I could mention it, he lowered my legs to to his hips and let me move in response to his thrusts and then flipped us again, so I was back on top.
I reveled in the feeling of me being deeply seated this way, and moved like he'd taught me, back and forth rather than up and down.
He scooted us back, till his back was at the headboard, still giving me "the business," as he would call it.
He lowered his head, and sucked on my right breast, playing with the nipple of the left.
Our tempo increased, I reached out and grabbed the headboard behind him, and worked my hips with an almost frenzied movement.
He sucked my neck, no doubt leaving another of his marks, dropped his hands to my hips and changed our rythm, moving me up and down, slamming his hips up as I came back down
That was it, the different positions, him sucking my neck, his hands on my hips, hearing the sighs and moans I made and watching our shadows play from the street lamp outside on the wall, all conspired to overload my senses.
I climaxed so hard I saw little flicks of brightness behind my closed lids.
He wasn't through yet, pulling out, turning me around and making me hold on to the headboard with my hands
Told me not to move, dont run from the dick, low in my ear, and entered me hard again, from the back this time
I couldn't do more than groan at his onslaught, as I came again, multiple times, back to back.
He kept it up for what seemed like a long time, dicking me down.
I sighed and moaned, started throwing it back on him!
Finally, I felt him stiffen and collapse over my back as me legs gave way and I flattened myself to my tummy.
He pulled out and moved off me so quickly I wondered what happened to cause that.

He flipped down on his back next to me breathing hard and said, "That was good as fuck, baby"
He reached for me then, and held me.
A few minutes went by and he sat up lit a Newport, and I followed suit.
I didn't even get it lit, before he plucked it right from my fingers, and said "Nope, no more smoking for you, you quitting right now!"
I looked at him and said mildly, "what's that now?"
He took a deep pull of his cigarette, and said calmly. "You ain't about to give my son lung cancer, Lil Bit"
"Son?!!" I screeched at him, "What are you talking about babe!"
He said seriously, "I'm talking about, you pregnant, Kid!"
I looked at him like he was crazy, and denied it, saying, "No, I am not!"
He smirked and said "Oh, yes you are! Wanna know how I know?"
I nodded mutely, my eyes wide.
"First off, you been tired, and sleeping a lot.
Don't think that when I wasn't speaking to you, I wasn't watching ya"
He began, then slung an arm around me, putting his cigarette out in the ashtray on his nightstand and made a face at it.
I ain't gonna smoke around you no more, matter of fact, I'mma quit with you.
Them things is nasty and expensive."

"Anyway, back to what we was talking bout," he said, "You're emotional, are all-over the place, don't think I ain't see you cry at that Hallmark commercial the other night!"

Damn, he HAD been paying attention!

"At work twice this week, and twice last week, you tossed ya cookies, and tonight making dinner, you were ill again, am I right? you still wit me here, baby?"
I nodded and said, "Well that's just cause I was tired from all the crying, the sleeping so much.
That don't mean nothing. And half of Road is out sick with that virus going around, you can't think I'm pregnant just because of that!"
He leveled a serious look at me, and said, "yup, normally, I'd agree with you, but there are three things that makes me at least 90% sure, that I'm about to be ya baby daddy!"

I cringed.
I hated that term it was so ghetto and didn't begin to touch on the feelings I had for this man.
Were his deductions correct?
I thought back to the last time I had to use tampons.
Ohhh, shit. It was when I'd hid that eviction notice in a box of them from Tris.
That had been months ago.

"One" he said, "look here, Lil Bit!" and then, took my hand, led me to the closet and had me look at myself in the mirror on the door of it.
"See these blue things, they ain't veins, they ducts, they getting ready to bring milk, look at your chest!
You getting bigger here, and," he said, tracing my abdomen lightly, feel how hard your lower stomach is!"
I nodded, noting all he was telling me, and traced my belly.
It was still flat, but it did feel harder, now that he mentioned it.

He led us back to the bed and handed me his tee shirt.
"Put this on would ya, you're distracting me with that body of yours, and I'm trying to talk seriously with you!"
He smirked at my scramble, to do as he asked.

"Second," he said, "I know you are because I can feel it, when I'm up in there!
Whenever we do something, I can hit the bottom, go as deep as my length lets me, and feel nothing prohibitive stopping me.
Tonight, when we was sexin', your cervix is slammed shut, because you pregnant!
And lastly, I know you is, because I DID get you pregnant on purpose.
I been wanted you to have my baby, girl, for YEARS now!"
He looked at me with so much love that I nearly wept.

What if I was pregnant, but this baby, if I really am, wasn't even Sam's?
I felt nauseated and thought back to the last time with Tris.
It had been more than three and a half months ago when he took it without my consent, when he found out about me taking birth control pills.
He'd flown into a rage and nearly beat me to death.

I ended up in the hospital, on painkillers, IV and antibiotics, to fight off any infection from the cracked ribs I'd sustained, leaving me susceptible to it.

Antibiotics COULD affect birth controls effectiveness.

I could be pregnant, just like Sam believed I was.
I looked up at him, and before I could say a word, he was pulling me by the hand to our bathroom, and producing a Clear Blue Easy ™ pregnancy testing kit from underneath the sink.

Why in the world did he even have one of these things?

We had been back together for almost two months now, and I was still taking my pills, and he knew I was on them.
I hadn't hidden them or the fact I was taking them.
Hadn't gotten mad at me for using taking them, even though now I knew he'd probably been disappointed!
He saw the questions in my eyes and answered them by saying, before I could ask, yet again, "I bought this kit two weeks ago. Since we been back, we been sexing like rabbits doing it every day, sometimes multiple times in a day, and you aint had a period in this whole time! Even the last couple weeks when you been on restriction, you ain't had it then neither, you got all the symptoms! You ain't having my kid?"
I hesitated, and he challenged me, saying, "Don't tell me you scared, you're a bad bitch, don't let a little stick get you ta shaking!" He paused and smirked ran a hand down my body as he emphasized "little stick" I couldn't help myself, I cracked up, because his bringing levity to the situation was just his way.
I countered his humor my stating, "It's not the lil stick that I'm scared of, cause we both know I don't run from the big stick!"
We both laugh as I remind him about my pills . He sighs and says, "I know you still take them pills, baby, but what's meant to be is gonna be, no matter what, you feel me? You ain't pregnant tho right? Aight, so pass this test!"

I sighed, opened the package and removed one of the three sticks and said, "you bought the multi pack?"
He grinned good naturedly and said, I always buy in bulk"
He watched as I read the instructions, sat on the toilet and held it under my stream.
That finished I set the test on the counter and washed my hands.
One minute passed and I looked down, immediately burst into tears.

He was right!
Sam is about to be a father.

Before I could exhale the breath I hadn't realized I was holding, he had me gripped up and was swinging me wildly around in his strong embrace, saying "See I TOLD ya so!"

He wanted me! Us! Our kid!

He put me gently down on the bed, I leaned forward and put my head in my hands and rocked myself, almost hysterical crying.
"Ayye, ma what's with the tears? Do you doubt I got you, got us, all three of us?"
I looked at him and snappishly said, "What if you're right and I am, and it's not yours? You still got all three of us then!!" Huh?"
And then I actually did cry again, but it was out of that terrifying thought that suddenly came to me.
He went still and looked at me and said with a little heat to his words,
"Yo, don't ever say that shit to me again! He mine, even if he ain't, which I'm sure he is, that kid is mines! Just like you, MINE!
Daddy don't gotta be biological, baby!
But since you mentioned it, he went on, "When was the last time y'all, nah, don't tell me, I don't even wanna know! I'm still mad you let that dirtball hit my pussy" but his words didn't match his expression.

I had told him that first night, the night I got here all beaten up, that I willingly slept with Tris as a one night stand, that somehow turned into 6 months of hell.
I reminded him now, "The last time he just took it, I had been put it on lockdown and was not giving it up at all,"
I said in a small voice, "There's a chance, and I don't wanna have that monsters baby! I'll abort it first!"
He pulled me into his lap, glaring at me and said angrily, making me see the dead seriousness in his gaze,
"You ain't getting no abortion neither, is you crazy girl?
That's MY KID, that's growing in there, right under ya heart! He already lives here," he said, touching the left side of his chest.
"Real talk lil bit, if you kill my kid we done!"
Wow!
In all our years together, he never threatened to quit me, unless it had to do with Camden.
He REALLY didn't want me to ever go there.

I said beseechingly, "but how can you be sure it's yours, how can you want me or it, knowing it might not be!"
"For the last time baby, I know that baby is MINES.
Stop calling him It!
Now, are you with me, take a chance on faith!
You gon ride? or what!"
Then he crossed his arms and waited for me to respond.