Kabanata 17

Ayusin

The moment that I realized that there would be an end is the moment when I saw its end.

I heaved a sigh before putting down my camera. I turned the device off before placing it at my bedside table.

I can't vlog. I have no confidence in myself to show what I want to show. Isa rin siguro iyong rason kung bakit song covers lang ang ginagawa ko at hindi content.

Against all the differences that had happened in my development, deep in my heart, I know I'm still shy. Kapag pinapanood ko ang attempt ko na gumawa ng video ay nahihiya ako para sa sarili.

I can't help but cringe at my sour face. Awkward ako sa personal, awkward din ako sa camera kung hindi kakanta. Hindi ko mapilit ang sarili na huwag maging gano'n dahil wala akong tiwala.

Are there any effects on doubting oneself? If there are, what could it possibly be?

Maybe I'll get to know my weaknesses and do something about it? Pero hindi ba ang pagmamaliit sa sarili ay isang daan para lalong malunod sa pag-aalinlangan? Mawawala ang tiwala sa sarili, iyon ang resulta.

Wala akong sa mood para mag-post ng song cover ngayon dahil umaatake ang pag-aalinlangan ko. There will be times like this, and I know that it's okay, but I can't always make myself believe that.

Optimism, Erych, optimism!

Umiling ako bago tiningnan ang sarili sa salamin.

I don't need to doubt myself. There's no use. Kaya ko 'to. Kaya ko 'tong kalabanin.

With a sigh, I left my room and went to the music school.

Pagkarating ay nakita ko si Yuan na nasa loob ng recording room. Malungkot niyang hinahaplos ang ilang kagamitan sa loob. Nakalilikha siya ng maliit na ingay dahil naka-awang ang pinto.

Is there really a need to abandon one's passion for the benefit of the other?

Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagdududa sa pinipiling daan ni Yuan. He loves the spotlight more than any other else in the group, so why does he need to give it up?

Is there really a character for stooping down to be accepted? Is there really a chance to admit that there would be any other difference if you were to follow the other?

All of these made me wonder, and I am sad that it isn't about me.

My parents... are they really believing in me? Are they really guiding me? Kapag inaalala ko ang nangyari noon, hindi ko mapigilan na ma-evaluate ang sarili.

This change that I am going to do for him... is it really going to be worth it? Is my effort worth wasting over someone to be reciprocated?

Acceptance, a quite word for someone who values social acceptance as if its their dear life.

"Yuan."

Awtomatikong lumipat sa'kin ang kan'yang matalas at malamig na tingin.

I need to help him in any way possible. Saving them would be my place; healing them would be my grace.

"What is worthy over it?"

He suggestively rose his brow.

Umalis siya mula sa pagkakadikit sa mga instrumento bago lumabas ng recording room. Tahimik niyang isinara ang pinto bago ibinalik ang malamig na tingin sa'kin.

Nanatili akong nakasandal sa pader malapit sa pinto habang pinapanood ang kan'yang galaw.

"Bakit ka kumakanta kung ayaw naman ng nanay mo?"

My heart hammered against my chest. I didn't have the chance to think sensitively before asking another question.

Mariin akong napapikit dahil sa nagawa.

"And here I thought that you're sensitive enough."

Nagpakawala ako ng hininga. "I'm sorry. It's just that my mind..."

I fiddled with my hands as I let myself be accustomed to the nervousness brought by his steps.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtigil niya sa aking harap. "If I were to ask, what would be the chances to be accepted by someone who doesn't care about your existence?"

The leverage of his words upon his emotions pushed me to scold myself.

Bakit ba naman kasi gano'n ang itinanong mo, Erych?

"You keep on prying, and prying, and prying. Gan'yan ba ang pag-aalala mo sa kaibigan?" His words came out quite harsh.

Napasinghap ako at pinigilan ang pangingilid ng luha. Idinilat ko ang mata bago damdamin ang kan'yang sinabi.

"What are you trying to prove? That you're greater than me? That you will be accepted by the crowd? That no one would stop you from getting your dreams? Bakit ka ba nangingialam?"

Maybe I meddle because I need to evaluate myself with their questions—to seek the truth for myself. Doon ko nakikilala ang sarili, hindi ba? Pero bakit sa bawat tanong na ibinabato nila sa'kin ay hindi ko nakikilala ang sarili? Naliligaw pa ako dahil sa nangyayari.

I kept my head down low because I can't face his questions.

Wala akong maisagot.

"Why... why do you sing?" I asked.

I heard him tsk-ed. "Why are you singing?"

He kept on throwing me questions, but I can't help myself to answer. Gano'n ko na ba hindi kakilala ang sarili?

There's a part of me that says my purpose, but there would always be a part of me that says the other.

Narinig ko ang kan'yang pagbuntong hininga bago pumwesto sa isang upuan.

"I expected my mother to be supportive, at least, but she's not doing anything except for shouting at how ugly my voice is."

Napa-angat ako ng tingin. Nakabukaka, nakapatong ang magkabilang braso sa tuhod, at nakapwesto ang ulo sa magkadikit na kamay.

I don't want to go near because I know it will pain him if I would get the chance to hear the weakness in his voice. Sapat na ang pagtayo ko rito na malayo sa kan'ya.

Nararamdaman ko ang paghapdi ng dibdib dahil sa naririnig.

"Close-minded persons are the persons who can be presumptuous on battling with. They fail to recognize the end. They don't want to acknowledge the opinion of the other."

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi habang pinapanood siya.

If he happened to know about our plan—my plan, will he forgive me?

Nag-angat siya ng tingin at marahas na tinalasan ito nang tumama sa'kin.

"Today's the contest. If you happen to give way for my win, believe me, I won't accept your apologies anymore."

My heart beated wildly against my chest. Pakiramdam ko ay nahuli ako. Hindi ko nakayanan ang matalas niyang tingin kaya umalis na lang ako.

I let out a heavy breath after I left the establishment.

Freshman year is coming to an end, and I didn't have the chance to tone down my faults. Sinimulan ko na mali ang first-year college, mukhang tatapusin ko ng may pagkakamali.

Umuwi ako sa bahay at hinanda ang sarili para sa contest na gaganapin sa Royal Colleges for the Arts. Iba't ibang universities ang maglalaban at hindi ko alam kung itutuloy ko ba ang plano.

Eros isn't a fan of my idea, and I know for sure that he would gladly decline that. But what can I do? Gusto kong tulungan si Yuan, gusto kong ibigay sa kan'ya ang pagkakataon na makuha ang recognition mula sa nanay niya.

But could it really be the right thing?

Binanggit ko iyon kay Circe at tumanggi rin siya sa plano ko. Pati rin si Laec ay hindi sumang-ayon.

"I get it—you want to help him. Pero matutulungan mo ba talaga siya sa ginagawa mo? Maibibigay mo ba talaga sa kan'ya ang recognition na sa tingin mo ay deserve niya?" tanong ni Circe habang nagda-drive si Laec papunta sa RCA.

I sighed. I don't want this talk, but I know this would enlighten me.

"You always base the outcome upon your opinions, and that's okay—you have your stand. But does it really matter? Does your opinion matter on someone who strictly have their own goals? Aren't you aware that your idea of good will may hinder the development of one's goal?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin mula sa nag-aalala niyang mata.

Ayokong mag-alala sila nang sobra rito pero hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili na mangamba sa gagawin. Sure, I really love to help my friends, but will it benefit them? Does posing as a shame will help elevate themselves?

"Evaluate, Erych. If you think that it's correct, make sure that you're doing the right thing."

"Pero nahihirapan na ako sa estado ni Yuan."

She smiled at me. "I know that it's in your nature to help your friends. Wala namang masama ro'n. Ang problema nga lang, humihingi ba siya ng tulong sa 'yo? Kailangan ba niya ng tulong? Kailangan ba niya ng tulong na ibibigay mo?"

Humampas sa'kin ang sinabi ni Eros noong isang araw.

"Hindi ko alam," ang tangi kong naisagot.

Pagkababa ng sasakyan ay nagpaalam ako dahil nakita ko si Eros sa gate ng university. Lalagpasan ko sana ngunit hinawakan niya ang aking braso.

I looked at him inquiringly. "Kanina ka pa?"

He shrugged before detaching himself from his signature crossed arm posture.

We showed the guard our pass before proceeding inside. He gave us directions.

"Will you..." he started.

Nakita ko ang pagpapapansin ng mga babaeng nadadaanan.

Eros didn't even spare them a glance!

"About Yuan. Will you continue your plans?"

Nginitian ko ang mga taong ngumingiti sa'kin. Some of them briefly said their 'hi' before passing by.

"Oo. Bakit?"

He lightly shook his head before placing his hand at the side of my shoulder. Marahan akong itinulak sa kan'yang katawan.

Nagtataka ko siyang tiningnan. Ibinalik din niya ang tingin.

"Your hands?" I softly asked.

He smirked before shaking his head. "Mabubunggo ka."

Kinunotan ko ng noo ang mga taong dumadaan. "Wala namang gaanong tao?"

I felt him stiffen. "Maglakad ka na lang."

Pasimple akong ngumiti bago isinandal ang ulo sa kan'yang balikat. Mailap niya akong tiningnan bago nagpakawala ng maliit na ngiti.

"Clingy," komento niya.

"Ako pa?" natatawa kong sabi.

Sumasabay sa hangin ang paghampas ng pabango ni Eros sa'kin. Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagsinghot ng amoy dahil napakabango.

"Ikaw pala ang aso sa'ting dalawa," sabi niya nang mapansin ang ginagawa ko.

Marahan ko siyang hinampas sa braso. Nagpakawala siya ng halakhak bago inabot ang aking buhok at kung ano ang ginawa roon.

He watched me with his elusive eyes before licking his lower lip. He held his stare.

"Bully," nakanguso kong sabi.

He throatily chuckled before filling out a form at the registrar outside the auditorium. Iginiya kami sa backstage at nagbigay ng instructions.

"Fifth contestant..."

Ngumuso ako at iginala ang tingin sa paligid.

RCA do really invest a lot with their facilities. Sa pang-ilang beses na punta ko rito, hindi ko pa rin maiwasan ang mamangha sa mga disenyo ng building para sa iba't ibang kurso.

He cleared his throat. "So, this thing about our 'friend', how will you make this plan work?"

"You're really supporting me with this?" I asked; he nodded. "To be honest? I don't know how. Iniisip ko kung magba-back out tayo kaso baka isipin ni Yuan na sinasadya natin."

"You want to accomplish a plan without anyone noticing it? Sounds like murder."

Umawang ang aking bibig. Hindi ko mapigilan na mahampas siya sa braso. "Nakakainis ka!"

He looked at me with his amused eyes. "What? Totoo naman. If I were a stranger, I would think bad about this. Were you a murderer in your past life, Psyche?"

I made a face at him. Nakakabwisit talaga at hindi ako marunong mang-irap! Hindi ko susubukan sa harap niya dahil alam kong pagtatawanan ako.

Umiling siya at isinuksok ang daliri sa loob ng bulsa. "What's your plan? We need to do this murder immediately."

"Hindi nga ako papatay ng tao!" I said with a hushed tone.

"Then, what?"

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi. Hindi ko sinasadya na makatagpo ng tingin si Yuan na ngayon ay malamig ang tingin sa'min.

His cold stare. What's new?

Inalis ko ang tingin at ibinalik kay Eros na ngayon ay mariin ang titig sa'kin. Suminghap ako dahil sa bigat nito.

"'Di ba dalawang kanta ang pinractice natin? Nando'n ba yung both songs sa flashdrive?" he nodded; I continued. "Instead of singing the piece that we practiced, we should sing the other."

Hindi siya nagulat sa sinabi ko.

"You're really... eager."

I tightly smiled at him.

We patiently waited for our turn. Kabado ang aking puso habang iniisip ang planong isasagawa.

Ang marahang paghatak ni Eros sa aking braso ang nakakuha ng aking atensyon mula sa pasimpleng pagtingin kina Yuan. Nang iapak ko ang paa sa hagdan ay napahigpit ang kapit ko sa braso ni Eros.

"What?"

"I- I don't think-"

"We can do this, my angel. Don't think about the plan. Just sing."

"A round of applause for contestant number five. From Trinity University of Pampanga, Eros Veloria from Political Science and Erych Tantiangco from Tourism!"

Binalot ng palakpakan ang auditorium. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang mikropono at pumwesto sa gitna kasama ni Eros.

I faced him and stared at his eyes. He stared back with greater intensity.

"This isn't..."

He showed a small smile. "We can."

Nang magsimula ang instrumental ng kanta ay pinilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili.

"You know I want you." Nabuhay ang spotlight at una itong tumapat kay Eros. "It's not a secret I tried to hide..."

Binalot ang auditorium ng kalaliman at kagaspangan ng boses ni Eros kaya napapalakpak at mga manonood.

His voice was intense—it was full of emotions that are devoid from one's being. He didn't give any room for weakness because weakness became his emotions, and it was a fact that he will always yearn to respect.

Pinigilan kong umawang ang bibig habang kinikimkim ang nararamdaman dahil sa intensidad ng tingin niya sa'kin.

"Fate is pulling you miles away and out of reach from me. But you're here in my heart so who can stop me if I decide that you're my destiny?"

The tone of his voice filled my ears and skillfully flowed into my heart. Napakalinis ng kan'yang boses sa aking tenga. Gusto na yata nito manirahan doon at hindi ko mapapansin.

"So why don't we rewrite the stars? Maybe the world could be ours tonight..."

Tahip-tahip ang aking hininga nang namatay ang spotlight kasabay ng pagsulpot ng parte ko.

"You think it's easy. You think I don't want to run to you. But there are mountains, and there are doors that we can't walk through..."

Kahit nasa akin ang ilaw ay ramdam ko pa rin ang paghiwa ng mariin niyang titig sa madilim na paligid.

"I know you're wondering why because we're able to be just you and me between these walls. But when we go outside, you're going to wake up and see that it was hopeless after all..."

Namatay ang ilaw na nakatutok sa'kin bago isabay ang pagtutok ng spotlight. Hindi ko mapigilan ang mamangha pa lalo nang maghalo ang boses.

"No one can rewrite the stars. How can you say you'll be mine? Everything keeps us apart. And I'm not the one that you were meant to find..."

The clash of our voice was wickedly fulfilling. The notes fell together like stars on the moonlit sky, the clouds on a sombre day, and the sun at the end of the day.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang mapangiti nang malinis na naitawid ang chorus papunta sa bridge hanggang sa dulo. Nang matapos ay hindi ko namalayan ang paghawak ni Eros sa aking kamay bago ako isinama sa pagtungo bilang pasasalamat.

We exited the stage after the audiences gave us a wild round of applause.

Pagkababa ng stage ay hindi ko napansin na nanginginig ang aking tuhod.

"Eros," I called out, my soul still feels so soft.

Inalalayan niya ako sa pagbaba mula sa maliit na hagdan. Ipinwesto niya ang kamay sa aking bewang bago tinulungan na paupuin.

"Did we- did we overdid it?"

"What do you think?"

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata at nagpakawala ng buntong hininga.

"This is so wrong!" komento ko.

Nakita ko ang pag-akyat nina Yuan at ng ka-duet niya sa stage. Hindi ko mapigilan na kabahan.

"Chill, Psyche. Wala kang ginagawang masama. So, what if we overdid it? We gave our best. I hope he gave his."

Hindi ko mapigilan na mag-alala kay Yuan. If we were to win, what would happen to him?

He let out a sigh before crouching. Hinagilap niya ang aking tingin bago marahang ipinatong ang kamay sa aking magkadaop na palad. Isinuksok niya ang ilang hibla ng aking buhok sa likod ng tenga.

"The fate of the others isn't in your hands—they're theirs."

"I know! Pero hindi ko maiwasan na maawa-"

"Psyche, we've talked about this, am I right?"

"Alam kong sinabi mo na 'yon. But do you remember the contest Laec and I joined? I saw how he looked at our trophy."

"I know, I know... but you can't force the event to bequeath him the rewards."

Buong durasyon ng pagkanta ng mga contestants ay hindi iyon mawala-wala sa isip ko. Kahit nang makita ko ang maliit na ngiti ni Yuan ay hindi ko mapigilan na mag-alala dahil sa aming ginawa.

Seville is nowhere in sight alongside the other band members. Hindi ako nagtanong kay Eros tungkol doon dahil ayaw kong mangialam. Kapag nangyari itong hindi niya inaasahan, wala siyang masasandalan.

Nang matapos ang mga contestants ay kabado pa rin ako habang umaakyat sa stage. Unti-unti nang tinatawag ang mga sumali at hindi ko mapigilan ang kabahan.

Eros and I won first place while Yuan and his partner became the champion.

Kumunot ang aking noo nang makita ang nakasimangot na mukha ni Yuan. Bigla akong na-alarma at ginusto na matapos agad ito.

"Eros," I called.

Pasimple niya akong tiningnan. Lalo akong kinabahan dahil walang emosyon ang mukha niya!

After the awarding is finished, I immediately went down.

"Congrats, Erych! Ang galing-galing niyo," saad ni Circe at niyakap ako.

I saw Laec's disapproving stare.

He knew.

Hinanap ng aking mata si Eros. Wala na siya sa stage pati na rin si Yuan.

May ilang gustong magpa-picture sa'kin. Pumayag ako sa ilan ngunit humingi ng paumanhin sa natitira dahil may hahanapin pa ako.

"Erych! Where are you going?"

Hindi ako nakasagot dahil inatake ng kaba ang aking puso.

Where are they? I need to find them!

Sa gitna ng dagat ng tao ay nahihirapan akong hanapin ang dalawa. They're tall but the RCA students' height became a prominent rival upon this search!

Nag-sorry ako sa lahat ng taong binubunggo ko para lang mahanap ang dalawa.

They're both ticking time bombs. Hindi ko lang alam kung sino ang mas malala.

May nahagilap akong dalawang bulto na mukhang nag-aaway. Nakita ko rin ang isang pamilyar na bulto na kagagaling lang mula sa gate.

Is that Seville?

Hindi ko hinayaan ang sarili na lumapit sa kakilalang nasa gate dahil una kong pinuntahan ang nag-aaway.

Mula sa kalayuan ay nakikita ko ang galit na bumabalot sa kanilang katawan.

"Hindi ko kailangan n'yan!" galit na galit na sabi ni Yuan bago nagbato ng kung ano kay Eros.

Nanlaki ang aking mata at pumunta sa kanila. Sinubukan kong pigilan si Eros ngunit wala naman akong pipigilan.

The two of them stood there as if they were debating. They were enraged, yes, but they didn't engage in a fight.

"I am trying to fix myself while the band's on hiatus. Iyong kay Cloud at sa pinsan niya, alam mo naman, hindi ba? Huwag na kayong dumagdag."

Lumipat sa'kin ang nag-aalab na tingin ni Yuan. Nagpakawala siya ng sunod-sunod na buntong hininga.

"You did me dirty. I can't believe that it's in you," he said with his tone seething with pure disgust.

Sumakit ang aking puso dahil sa nangyari. Tiningnan ko ang perang nasa damuhan at hindi ko maiwasan ang maiyak.

"I'm- I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I paid them to let you win-"

"I don't need your sorry! Sa tingin mo ba kailangan ko ng suhol na 'yan para manalo? I didn't ask for that! I joined this contest for a reason I won't tell! Sa contest nga na ito hindi kita mapagkatiwalaan. Paano pa kaya kung sasabihin ko sa 'yo ang rason?"

Hindi ko mapigilan ang agos ng luha. "Yuan, I did this to help you-"

"Help!" he repeated hysterically. "Wala iyang naitutulong kun'di kahihiyan."

Hinawakan ni Eros ang aking braso at hinila ako papalapit sa kan'ya.

"It's my idea. She agreed on this," he defended.

"You fucker."

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi para pigilan ang malakas na hagulgol.

"Yuan, I'm so sorry."

He looked at me with his pained eyes.

May dumating na babae sa aming pwesto. Hindi ko narinig ang kan'yang itinanong kay Yuan dahil hinatak na ako ni Eros paalis.

I didn't know that my pure intention to help would destroy this so bad.