Kabanata 15

Alone

That was the start of our gigs as a duo.

Tuwing hindi tumutugtog ang STATION at busy ang ilang mga kabanda ni Eros, hinahatak na lang ako sa BRB at tsaka lang nagsasabi na may gig kami.

Also, he was the one who organizes our gigs which always catches me off guard.

Ever since the start of our first gig, a pile of gigs is constantly added to our schedule. Sa ngayon, nakaka-apat na gig na kaming dalawa sa BRB.

I really don't know what's in his mind.

"What's your course?" I asked as I skimmed for books at a nearby bookstore.

I smiled when I saw how cute my outfit is at the mirror. Mukhang pang-Korean ang getup ko ngayon, and I've never felt so cute and confident in my life.

He nonchalantly shrugged before dragging his fingers onto the spine of some book he randomly chose while his other hand is settled between his jean's pocket.

"Political Science for my pre-Law," he lowly said before grabbing a book and reading its blurb.

Ngumuso ako at sinulyapan ang ginagawa ni Eros. Seryosong dumadaan ang kan'yang mata sa bawat porma ng letra. Ang kunot na noo ay nagpapahiwatig na hindi niya maintindihan ang nabasa.

"Dying of a broken heart is just the beginning. Welcome to forever," he read with his curious dark eyes. "Brie's life ends at sixteen: Her boyfriend tells her he doesn't love her, and the news breaks her heart—literally."

Nagkibitbalikat siya bago ibinalik ang libro sa pinagkuhanan. Nakita ni Eros ang pagtingin ko sa ginawa niya kaya lumipat ang kan'yang tingin sa'kin.

"You like sappy romances?"

Agad akong pinamulahan ng mukha.

Calm down, Erych!

"A-ano ngayon kung gusto ko yung romance genre? Wala namang masama," nakanguso kong sabi bago ipinagpatuloy ang paghahanap ng libro.

Nagpunta ako sa kabilang shelf dahil wala akong mahanap na librong bibilhin. Hindi siya sumunod at nanatili roong nakatayo. Nakapatong ang matipunong braso sa shelf habang nanonood sa ginagawa ko.

Why does he need to be so tall! Hindi tuloy ako makapag-concentrate nang maayos sa paghahanap ng libro.

"Broken," he said.

Mula sa pagkakayuko ay nag-angat ako ng ulo. Napasinghap ako nang matagpo ang mariin niyang titig.

"What?"

A small smirk grew on his lips before dislodging himself from his position. Pumunta siya sa gilid ko at kinuha ang librong sinasabi niya.

He showed me a book with a minimalist cover. a child wearing a red skirt, striped black-and-red socks, and a shoes. Sa baba ay nakalagay ang 'broken', 'a novel', 'daniel clay'.

I curiously got the book from his hands before I read the synopsis.

"Okay, I'll get this..."

His raised brows proved that he's amused.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. But remembering that I look like a weird kid, I immediately dropped it.

Nakita ko ang pagpipigil ng tawa ni Eros. His amused, mysterious eyes is a giveaway!

"You're laughing at me," I said with my prying eyes.

Doon na siya nagpakawala ng mahinang tawa.

"You're bad at it! Such a softie," komento niya.

I puffed my cheeks. Gusto ko siyang irapan! Hindi ko lang magawa dahil hindi rin ako marunong.

"Ewan ko sa 'yo," saad ko at nagtungo sa cashier para magbayad.

While I was paying for my item, I felt a nudging from my shoulder. Nang lumingon ako ay nakita ko ang paghihila ni Eros sa strap ng katsa bag ko.

"Bakit?" I asked softly before handing the payment.

He languidly rolled his eyes before tugging the bag off my shoulder. Nabibwisit pa siya sa 'kin dahil sa pagtatanong ko!

"Iyan lang ba bibilhin mo?" asik niya.

Kumunot ang aking noo. Bakit biglang nainis?

I smiled after the cashier handed me my item along with the receipt. Nagtataka akong umalis sa bookstore habang hawak ni Eros ang katsa bag ko.

Pagkalabas ng bookstore ay pinanood ko ang mukha ni Eros. Bwisit siyang nakatingin sa'kin.

"What's your problem?" tanong ko.

He rolled his eyes at me before grabbing my hand. Nae-eskandalo akong tumingin sa kan'ya na may nanlalaking mata.

"Nood tayo ng movie. Libre ko."

Napakamot na lang ako sa ulo dahil sa sinabi niya.

True to his words, we watched a movie. Neither of us are a fan of the movie we watched.

Pagkatapos manood, hinatak naman ako sa isang arcade sa mall at nagpresenta na siya rin ang bibili ng panggastos para sa token. Tapos pag-uwi, sinabayan ako sa jeep at sumabay pababa sa subdivision kung saan ako nakatira.

"Um... bye?" I skeptically said.

I really don't know what's his agenda. Nakita lang niya ako sa bookstore na pinuntahan ko at doon pinagpasyahan na manggulo ng araw. Ipinagpatuloy niya sa movies, arcades, at hanggang sa makauwi ako.

The sun is setting, and it dawned over him, looming over his stature.

He looked so godly with the background.

"Psyche..." he murmured against the serenade of the wind.

Inayos ko ang buhok na mahinang hinihipan ng hangin. Nanatili ang titig ko sa kan'ya habang ginagawa 'yon.

Sa paraan ng pagkunot ng noo kasabay ng mariin na paninitig ng misteryosong mata ay parang may ipinapahiwatig siya.

I tried to understand while mystery is seething from him.

Ang medyo kulot niyang buhok sa taas ay pasimple ring hinihipan ng hangin.

Sumasabay sa pagtataka ko ang kan'yang katahimikan pati na rin ang hindi mabasang emosyon sa kan'yang mata.

Is he going to tell me something important?

"M-may sasabihin ka ba?" kinakabahan kong tanong.

He blinked when I asked him that question. Tumango siya bago lumapit at dahan-dahang inabot ang ilang hibla ng aking buhok.

Delikado niya itong tiningnan bago inilapat ang tingin sa'kin. Nanatili ang kan'yang mariing titig bago iangat ang aking buhok at itinapat sa ilong.

Naramdaman ko ang pamumula ng mukha dahil sa kan'yang ginawa.

Is that his mannerism: smell another people's hair?

"Psyche," pagu-ulit niya. "Hindi ko alam kung paano mag-commute pauwi."

I blinked before I bursted into laughter.

"Eros!" I hissed while laughing.

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan si Eros. One moment, he's serious. The other, he's a cranky piece of guy!

Nakatitig lang siya sa'kin habang tinatawanan ko siya. He didn't even care that I'm laughing at him!

"Really?"

Hawak pa rin niya ang ilang hibla ng buhok ko. Nanatili ang titig habang tumatawa ako!

I'm tearing up! Nakakainis naman 'tong si Eros. Akala ko kung gaano kahalaga ang sasabihin, hindi naman pala!

"You had the nerve-" Hindi ko na maituloy dahil tawang-tawa na ako.

When I opened my eyes for a slight peak, I saw him rolling his eyes at me.

Seeing him quite pissed off, I wiped the tears forming beside by eyes.

"Sorry!" paumanhin ko pagkatapos kumalma. "Where do you live? I'll give you the directions."

Masama pa rin ang tingin niya sa'kin hanggang sa makasakay ng jeep. Nakangiti ko siyang kinawayan pagkaalis bago umuwi ng bahay.

"Ang saya, ah?" Circe mocked.

Tinawanan ko siya at sinabayan ang pag-akyat sa hagdan.

"Si Eros kasi," natatawa kong sabi bago ikinwento ang kalokohan niya.

I went to her room after I cleaned myself. Doon muna ako tumambay bago maghapunan.

Humiga ako sa kan'yang kama habang nagba-browse siya ng palabas.

"About Laec... you think he's okay?" I murmured after a few moments of silence.

I heard her sighing.

"He has a lot of problems. Malaking nakaaapekto ro'n ay yung kay Kuya Yates. Pati na rin yung pressure na binibigay sa kan'ya nina Tita," malungkot niyang sabi.

Umalis ako mula sa pagkakahiga bago bumuntong hininga.

My friend... I don't know what's his problem is, but I know too well to ask. Asking might be presumptuous. It might open another batch of ache—the last thing that I wanted to happen.

Kung magkukwento sila, dapat okay lang sa kanila. I treasure them so much, even their emotions and their wellbeings.

What harm could I get for them not to spare any minute to talk about their problems? After all, the least thing that I could do is to be understanding because that's the only thing that I'm good at.

After I have eaten my dinner, I went straight to my room. I evaluated myself before I dislodged a batch of tears.

There would be times that you would break down without any reason at all, but that's okay. Maybe life has been so hard on you that you forgot to acknowledge yourself, and that's okay. Just cry it out.

Pinilit ko ang sarili na ngumiti bago lumapit sa bintana at tingnan ang nakakalat na bituin sa madilim na langit.

A wave full of degradation seeped into my heart. I didn't manage to block because of the lack of appreciation to myself.

If only people learned to acknowledge themselves before they learn to prioritize and love themselves, maybe it would be a great leap for one's self-development.

But we can't really force them because that's not how self-development works. Dapat gusto nilang magbago at sa pagbabagong 'yon ay hindi labag sa kalooban nila.

I asked myself: is change really that necessary over adaptation? What is adaptation? What's its difference from change? Is adaptation the forced change? Does adaptation mean that you need to adapt because it is what's needed?

Bumuntong hininga na lamang ako at marahang niyakap sa sarili.

There will be sleepless nights like this where one's thoughts would be filled with nothing but questions. I don't know if it's okay to question myself like this. Kapag ba ginagawa ko 'to, ibig sabihin ba ay nawawalan na ako ng tiwala sa sarili?

I only heaved a sigh as a response to my sadness.

Just do it. Get it together. Help yourself.

The next day, I was invited by Laec and Circe for a stroll. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ganap pero pumayag ako.

Napaayos na ang kaonting yupi sa sasakyan ni Laec. Sinundo niya kami rito sa bahay bago igala sa kung saan.

"Saan niyo gustong pumunta?"

"Wala kang plano?!" histerikal na tanong ni Circe.

Humalakhak si Laec at umiling. "Anong problema ro'n?"

She shrieked. "Goodness, Laec! Paano kung itong outfit namin ni Erych ay hindi match sa pupuntahan? Look at what we're wearing! I look cute with my outfit—not fit for trekking or whatever—while she looks so cute with her chill Korean outfit! You should've planned ahead!"

Tawa ang naisagot ko sa bangayan nilang dalawa. Si Laec naman ay natatawang nakatingin kay Circe habang nagmamaktol.

"Planned ahead..." makahulugan niyang sabi na siyang ikinakunot ng noo ko.

I immediately saw the weird glint in his eyes, but I disregarded it. I shrugged as a response to my curiosity.

"Ano bang makahulugang gawin?" tanong ko habang naghi-histerikal pa si Circe.

"Museums. Do you like museums, Cirranova?" malambing na tanong ni Laec.

"Bakit? You don't like museums; I don't like it either! Anong gagawin natin do'n?"

"Ifa-flaunt lang kita," saad ni Laec sabay kindat.

Mahina akong natawa at napasandal sa backseat ng sasakyan.

My flirty friends!

At the end of the day, we went to an amusement park at San Fernando, Pampanga. Ride-all-you-can ang in-avail na ticket ni Laec, and of course he was the one who sponsored it.

Tumigil kami sa isang food park along MacArthur Highway at doon nag-early dinner. Pagkatapos ay naglakad-lakad sa gilid.

Nauna sina Laec at Circe maglakad dahil may binili pa akong drinks. Nagpaalam din ako na maggagala saglit dito.

Habang papaalis sa food park ay may namataan akong pamilyar na bulto.

Dimness loomed over him as he mesmerized himself with his solitude.

Curious, I went near his place. My steps were small and fragile. I took a lot of attention to carefulness to refrain myself from breaking his small and appreciated disclosure.

My heart beated wildly as it consumes the mystery I am taking in.

Bahagyang nanlaki ang aking mata nang makita ang marahang pag-alog ng kan'yang balikat. Pinigilan ko ang sarili na marahas na mapasinghap upang hindi makaagaw ng atensyon.

"Eros?" I softly asked.

He tensed.

"Erych 'to..."

He bowed his head down.

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi at pinag-isipan kung lalapit.

I badly want to comfort him, but is it what he needs? Baka mapalala ko pa ang nararamdaman niya.

"Can I... can I go near you?" I whispered softly.

Iginala ko ang tingin sa paligid at nakitang walang gaanong tao sa pwesto na ito. May isang tao na malayong-malayo rito at mukhang naninigarilyo.

"Eros-"

"Come here..."

He extended his arm to gesture his hand.

Naglakad ako papalapit. Pumwesto ang kan'yang palad sa aking bewang habang iginigiya ang daan.

He is sitting quite uncomfortably at a chair for a table for two. Hindi ko alam kung pupwesto ako sa upuang kaharap niya o mananatiling nakatayo sa gilid niya.

This place just happened to be one of those least favorite spots.

Sighing, he dragged another chair so I could sit near him. Doon niya ako pinaupo. Nang makaupo ako ay hinila niya ako palapit kaya nag-ingay nang marahas ang upuan.

"Er-"

He didn't let me finish calling his name because he leaned his head on my shoulder. Pumwesto ang isang kamay sa aking bewang.

Sa pwestong iyon ay roon siya pumirmi.

I carefully placed the drink I bought on the table before residing my hand at his back.

"How do you fix yourself?" he asked softly but my heart broke.

"Do you know what specific part to fix?"

"Can't pinpoint it out. It hurts everywhere."

I leaned my head on his. "You find what's broken inside you, and you fix it yourself without the help of anyone."

He hummed when he slightly nodded. "But it conspired and disappeared into numbness... made it hard."

Pinigilan kong maiyak nang madala sa bigat at pasakit ng boses niya.

How... how can someone's words seep into my heart as if it's the only substance I take?

"And I'd give up forever to touch you. 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow..." he sang.

I tried my best to think what song he is singing.

"Psyche, my angel... do you know why I call you 'my angel'?"

Nanginginig ang kamay ay hinaplos ko ang kan'yang buhok. Naramdaman ko ang pagngiti niya nang itinagilid ang ulo—ang mukha ay kaharap ang aking leeg.

"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be. And I don't want to go home right now," he said, continuing his song .

I smiled.

"And all I can taste is this moment. And all I can breathe is your life... come on, my angel, sing with me," he lowly said.

"What song? Hindi ko ma-point out."

He lazily placed his chin on my shoulder before leaning his mouth near my ear.

Pinanindigan ako ng balahibo nang humaplos ang mainit na hininga sa aking batok.

"Iris by Goo Goo Dolls."

Hindi ako makagalaw sa pwesto dahil sa takot na dumampi ang kan'yang labi sa aking tenga.

His hand that was on my waist crept to my back. Doon ito naging kumportable bago haplusin ang dulo ng aking buhok.

"And I don't want the world to see me. 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken. I just want you to know who I am..."

The voice he created shuddered my body.

Masyadong nakaliliyo ang boses niya. Masyadong nakaaakit kaya't naakit ang lahat ng emosyon na gusto niyang iparating.

"As the song says: 'when everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am'... I mean it, my angel. I mean it."

Napalunok ako dahil sa kagaspangan ng boses.

"So, if you found yourself with me—if you found yourself wrecking beside me, I hope you take care of yourself because I can't do it to mine. I'm too broken to begin with."

Humugot ako ng hininga nang inalis niya ang mukha sa aking baba at inilapit sa aking mukha. Nakipaghamunan siya ng titig sa aking mata na kinukuha ng pag-aalala.

His eyes really wanted to rival with the darkness of the sky, the brightness of the stars, and the dimness of the place. He wants to rule over those bodies leaving no room for such.

He wants to stay there and wallow with silence. 

"I really don't want anyone of them to see me like this—to see me this broken. So please, if you happen to indulge yourself with me, I hope you'll understand that I'm more than broken than you can imagine."

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata nang dumaan ang luha. Lumapat ang kan'yang magaspang na daliri upang palisin ang tumulong luha.

"Be calm... I'm here... Cry with me..." he softly said before putting my head on his shoulders.