Sebastian finally comes to see me the next day. Hale told me to just give him time, that he was struggling with everything that had happened. I understand; Sebastian is a man of honor and he wasn't there when we were attacked. It can't be easy for him to deal with knowing he left me there. But it still stings that he's waiting so long to visit.

When he enters the infirmary, he's awkward and formal, standing a respectable distance away from me with his hands clasped behind his back. Though his uniform is impeccable, buttons gleaming, not a wrinkle in sight, his eyes have dark circles and his hair is mussed. I've come to realize that you can tell a lot about how Sebastian is actually feeling from the state of his hair. 

I push myself up on the pillows, ignoring the twinge of my sore body. "Captain, it's so good to see you. Please, sit." I gesture to one of the chairs next to my bed.

He seats himself stiffly, avoiding my eyes. My heart gives a painful thump as I watch him struggle to find something to say. 

I wish people would stop making this about them and their ridiculous guilty feelings. I'm exasperated with reassuring everyone that I'm fine and don't hate them for not being there to die or protect me. Especially when I feel like I've proven that I can take care of myself. But they all want to beat themselves up about it and leave it up to me to reassure them that everything is okay.

I'm tired of it. Tired down to my very core of having to be the one making everyone else feel good. Hale, Sebastian, Elias and Gareth are all sulking around feeling guilty and responsible when they should be just happy we are all alive. 

"Let's just get this over with," I sigh, ignoring Sebastian's surprised look. "No, I don't hate you. No, you shouldn't feel guilty over leaving during the ball, especially as you were doing your job. No, I don't think you would have made a difference if you were there, except you maybe would have died. And no, I do not want any apologies from you. Does that cover everything?"

There's a moment of silence from Sebastian while he studies me. I wonder if he can see just how ragged and worn I am on the inside. 

He gives me a small, self conscious smile. "Long week?"

A laugh that's almost a sigh escapes me. "You could say that. All being stuck in this bed all day isn't helping."

I long to be outside, in the fresh air. I can feel all the weeks of training melting away the longer I lie in this bed. I'm going to be weak and shaky as a newborn lamb once I get back with the recruits.

The scrape of the chair is loud in the quiet room as Sebastian moves himself closer, reaching out to take my hand in his. 

"Take all the time you need to rest. And when you're feeling ready, come back and continue training. The men miss you... I miss you." He gives my hand a warm squeeze.

I close my eyes. Now isn't the time, I know that but I can't be dishonest anymore. 

"Listen Sebastian," I start, taking my hand back gently. "I can truthfully say that I've never been pursued before so I'm not any good at this. At any of this... but I feel the need to be honest with you."

He's watching me with a sad smile tugging at the corner of his lips and I know that he knows. Perhaps has known for a while. I wouldn't be surprised if he was simply giving me time to figure things out. Sebastian has always been too good for me.

"It's Hale, isn't it?" The words aren't bitter, more resigned.

"No." I shake my head then stop. "Yes and no. I won't lie that he is part of it. But more than that, it's me. I don't have the time to deal with all of this right now, not with Willow. She has to come first, always."

I shake my head again. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to give him false hope by not being completely honest.

"Not only that, but I simply don't feel romantically towards you." I meet his eyes, feeling surprisingly empowered by finally saying it out loud. "You are the greatest friend I could ever hope for. And I wish I could be more for you. I'm sorry."

Sebastian nods, running his hand through his dark hair. "I've always respected that most about you Talia, that you never hide yourself or pretend to be something you aren't. I respect it now, even as I'm hating it." 

He stands abruptly, pushing back his chair. "I hope you don't mind if I leave now."

"Of course not." I'll gladly give him all of the space he needs. I only hope he decides to come back, as my faithful friend. This place would be much darker without him by my side. 

Sebastian strides to the door, opening it then pausing. He turns back to me with a serious expression on his face. "As much as I'd like to punch Hale right now, I must tell you that he is truly the best man I've ever known. You'll never find anyone better, not if you searched this whole world."

My throat tightens. 

"He said the same thing about you," I whisper and he lets out a bark of laughter.

"Typical." But he's smiling. "Hale always was self sacrificing."

With that final comment, he slips through the door and vanishes into the hall.

__________

When Hale comes to visit me later in the day, I can't help but watch him with new eyes. Over the course of one conversation, he's turned into something that might actually be possible. Us. Together. 

I watch him talk, laughing as he tells me about the latest mishap with Gareth. 

His green eye sparkle with amusement, his lips turning up when he chuckles.

He moves his hands around while he talks, making sharp gestures and motions. 

I want to kiss that mouth and be held by those hands. I want to be touched and caressed, skin against skin, lips against lips. 

But how long would it last before duty tore us apart?

Hale pauses, looking at me curiously. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just..." Unspoken words taste electric on my tongue. You're beautiful, I want to say. Your soul and heart and every piece that makes you. I want you today and everyday. "Nothing."

He gives me another strange look. "Is everything okay? You seem quiet. Were you reading the journals again?"

"No." I twist my hands in my lap, not even wanting to think about them. I know I need to read them again, look for more clues and answers but the the thought of picking one up again makes my stomach churn. 

"If you'd like the talk about whatever's weighing on your mind, I'll listen."

A sigh escapes me before I can hold it in. "I'm just thinking about the future, where this path is taking me. Where do you see yourself in a few years?"

"Me?" Hale considers for a second, brows furrowed. "Being my father's son- there are certain responsibilities that come with that. People expect certain things from me. Moving up in the ranks, becoming a general and leading men like he did."

When he doesn't continue, I ask, "And you? What do you want?"

"I want to honor my father. But I also don't want to become him. He- he wasn't the man everyone thought he was," he says darkly, eyes shadowed. "I have yet to decide what I want but I know I won't be like him."

He has only ever spoken of his family kindly and wistfully, obviously cherishing his memories. I can only wonder at the things his father did to make Hale talk about him in such a way. 

He shakes his head like he's forcing away unwanted thoughts. "What about you, Lady Kinsley? See yourself marrying some rich noble and spending your days embroidering and sipping tea at the window?"

I can't hold back my shiver of revulsion. Women who do that have a different sort of strength entirely, one I've never possessed.

"Well, if Willow's still alive, I'll probably still be here, protecting her. Hopefully I'll be part of her guard and able to keep a close eye on her."

"And that's what you want?" he asks, studying me.

I shrug nonchalantly. "It's what's necessary and what Willow needs. Someone near her who she can trust, who will always have her back."

"You take the big sister role very seriously," Hale comments, but it sounds off. Forced. "What about when you were younger? Didn't you have any dreams of being an adventurer or dress maker or anything?"

I pause, trying to think back but I can't remember. "I don't think so. I've always been Willow's protector and known that's what I'd spend my life doing."

"But don't you want anything for yourself?" He sounds irritated with me.

"What's your problem?" I snap, crossing my arms. "Why are you interrogating me?"

"I just don't understand you. You truly plan on spending your whole life wasting away in this castle as Willow's shadow? What about things you want to do, the life you could be living?"

"Willow is my life," I retort. 

I don't understand why he's getting so mad. I can see a muscle tick in his jaw as he grinds his teeth. Mother always told me this was my job and I made a promise to her when she died.

Protect her. Promise me. 

I can still feel the promise, the weight of my vow burning through my blood. 

"So you're just never going to make any decisions based on what you want?"

"I stayed with the recruits, didn't I?" The first thing I'd done that had been something I wanted.

"Please," Hale scoffs. "You did that so you could help Willow. Don't tell me you didn't convince yourself first that it would be best for her if you did."

I did but that's not the point. I also stayed because I didn't want to leave my friends, didn't want to lose something that made me happy.

Hale stands up suddenly, hands clenched in fists. I don't know how or when this turned into a fight but I have to watch for a second time today as a friend stomps to the door. 

"How can you expect someone to want a future with you if you don't want one for yourself?" is all he says before leaving. 

The sound of the door feels final as I try to understand what he means by that.