Half an hour later and the journals are in spread out across the blankets before me. There's only five so obviously some are missing but it's a good place to start. 

Hale leaves them with the warning that Gareth and Elias will probably visit soon, having heard all about what happened. Well, as much as the general public knows. Apparently the story is that the necromancer crashed the ball, intent on wreaking havoc and I got everyone out then faced him alone, heroically defeating him but not without being grievously injured in the process. I understand the need to keep the truth secret but could do without the over-embellishing of my part. 

Five guards have already come to see me, thanking me profusely and wanting to hear what happened from my own lips. I started pretending to be asleep after the second. 

The council has manged to keep the fact that the necromancer was looking for a specific girl quiet so far and I'm thankful for it. Willow's abilities have always put her at risk but now that she brought me back from death, there's no telling how people would react. Bringing me back nearly killed her and people would try to use her to save more. It might make me a cold-hearted monster but I'm not about to let that happen, not with the risk so high. 

 After studying the journals for a minute, I discover that I've gotten lucky and on top of having the newest journal belonging to Queen Evelyn, I also possess the oldest. Selene was the first of Melora's Blessed, something I recall Mortimer telling me. She was never queen, as her right to rule was undiscovered at the time, but she still used her magic to help the people. 

The other three journals belong to queens Lorelai, Kathlyn, and Ophelia. I know that Ophelia was the queen before Evelyn but have no idea who the other two are or when they ruled. I push  those two aside, saving them for last. 

I pick up Selene's journal, feeling the cracked leather of the cover and smelling the must that floats off of it. The paper inside is fragile, the ink nearly faded. Just looking at it, I know it holds some of the answers that I need.

It looks like I'll be starting at the beginning.

________________

I finally put the journal down hours later, my eyes aching and mind whirling. What had I just read?

At first, Selene's journal had been as expected. She wrote of struggling to hide her gift, Melora coming to her in her dreams and speaking to her about her duty and powers. Of traveling south and forming the first temple of Melora with devout followers. 

She used her powers to heal and to help the crops grow and feed the people. The temple became a place of refuge for the sick and the hungry, those in need of healing, physically and mentally. 

Selene had been happy and at peace with her work. She'd found great pleasure in helping people and making a difference, going from fearing her powers to embracing them. 

But then, things changed.

"A man came to the temple today. He's starved and weary but has fire in his eyes, the eyes of a man who has seen many horrors. He says that Melora sent him here for a task, that he has been chosen by the goddess. Though my instincts tell me he is dangerous, I vowed to turn away none who ask for help. I could feel him watching me all day as I worked, his gaze heavy against my skin. I will ask Akilah to keep an eye on him. My soul shivers when I look at him."

After this, her journal entries stop for several days. Then she starts talking about something that happened, something unforgivable that she's done, how she can feel the taint of it in her heart. 

Her use of the word taint makes my skin crawl, reminds me of the night we first encountered the necromancer and he said he could taste the foul taint beneath Willow's magic. 

Selene never expressly says what transpired but implies it had to do with the man who showed up. But her thoughts start steadily declining into darkness after. 

"I can feel the judgement on everyone's faces as I walk by. I thought today about just bringing the whole temple crashing down on us. For a second, I felt joy before I realized the horror of thinking such things. Melora still comforts me in my dreams, tells me not to give in but neither she nor Akilah can help me. I fear no one can help me."

She starts getting paranoid, going on ramblings about people watching her constantly, whispering behind her back. Her friend Akilah, who she speaks fondly of through most of the journal, suddenly starts becoming overly watchful and suspicious.

"Akilah has been watching me. I don't like the look in her eyes, like a wolf stalking a chicken. Only she'll find that I am no simple bird to be slaughtered. I'll confront her tonight about why she follows me around. Why she no longer trust me. Perhaps she can no longer be trusted."

The journal ends soon after, the final entry one of surprising clarity. But it's the most confusing part of Selene's whole story.

"Melora appeared to me last night and told me of an item she needed me to hold for her, to keep safe. I awoke holding it in my arms and when I grasped in between my hands, I saw its purpose. I saw what my future held, what I was created for. I am an abomination, a bringer of destruction. My mind feels clear for the first time in weeks and I know what I must do. I'll give it to Akilah, the only person I can trust. My dearest friend. Saying goodbye will be so hard but I don't want to be alone in the end. Is that selfish of me? I know now that I must die but can I not ask for one last thing? I hope she understands and knows she will be my last thought of this life."

The journal ends there. 

I lean my head back against my pillows, feeling sick. After what happened with the man, it's hard to tell what's truth and what's the madness talking. But no matter what actually happened, something drove her to kill herself. To end her own life because she was so afraid of the future.

Is this going to be Willow's fate?

I can't help but think it. As Mortimer said, sometimes the mind simply breaks under the strain of such power.

Selene's journal held no answers for me, only more questions. And without knowing what's true, I don't know which questions I need to be asking.

There's a quiet knock on the door breaking me out of my thoughts. I shove all of the journals under my pillow quickly, trying to be gentle with the delicate books.

Gareth pokes his head in, a huge smile on his face. "Feeling up for a visit, monster slayer?"

I groan. "You aren't allowed to pick on me when I'm injured. That's low, even for you."

Elias pushes Gareth into the room playfully. "I told him to be nice but I don't think he knows how."

"Don't pretend like you don't love my uncanny ability to always been an ass. Why else would you spend so much time with me?" Gareth teases, winking.

Elias blushes and busies himself with getting me a glass of water.

"Thanks," I say, taking it from him as they perch on the edge of my bed. "How is everyone?"

"Same as usual. They all want to know how you're doing and when you'll be back." Gareth leans back, propping his feet up on a chair. "Personally, I think they're all hoping you'll have some secret necromancer killing moves to show them."

I scowl furiously. "I'm already getting tired of this. Tell them that the first person to ask gets a personal lesson... starting with my sword in their gut."

"There's that bloodthirsty girl I've been missing." Gareth leans forward to ruffle my hair and I smack his hand away. 

We chat for a few minutes about the training I've been missing then Gareth goes to grab me some lunch, saying I look like they're not feeding me. I have lost weight but I imagine that's a expected side effect of coming back from the dead.

"He makes jokes but he's happy you're okay," Elias says awkwardly once Gareth leaves. "He was really worried when he heard what happened."

"I know, he likes to hide behind the humor. It makes me want to punch him but I get it."

Elias shakes his head. "It's not just that. He'd been thinking about sneaking to the ball but I talked him out of it." He looks away guiltily. "I think he blames me for it and himself more so, for not being there for you."

"Neither of you should feel any guilt," I say softly. "I'll thank the gods every day that you weren't there."

I imagine the man the necromancer killed stumbling towards me with Gareth's face. With Elias's glazed eyes and bloody hands reaching for me. Bile rises in my throat. 

"I mean it, Elias. And I'm sure Gareth doesn't blame you, he knows you're just always looking out for him. He cares about you too much to be angry at you for being yourself."

There's that pink blush across his freckled cheekbones again. I've never met anyone who gets as easily embarrassed as him. 

Gareth comes back in with a plate full of food and we talk about lighter topics. But all I can think about are the journals and Selene's spiral into madness. 

I have to know if all of the queen's stories end the same way.