Story by mrs_lexi_weasley

Review by EvelynYvetteName

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Blurb

Syria Saxon Adara Noir is living as a young girl in France with no idea who she is or where she comes from. Having suffered from the foster care system and her time at the girl's home, her beliefs of herself have been twisted. The reason she has strange things happen to her is not because she is a demon as the nuns that raised her in the girl's home taught her to believe, but because she is a witch. She has hope her life will change for the better when she finds new friends at Hogwarts, but she quickly becomes an outsider to everyone. Why does she suffer so much physical pain when there isn't anything wrong? What happens when she starts to fall for the brother of someone who makes her life so incredibly miserable? How will their relationship be able to survive when everything is against them? Will they be able to fight through a war, family, and the knives thrown at their relationship?

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼

1) I enjoyed the cold open here, and we can experience the world with Syria immediately. Excellent work.

2) I would add a bit more to the first paragraph so that we can draw out the feeling that we have here. An example is that the Priest's dialogue tag could add "echoed" or "reverberated" to showcase that this is a disrupting experience for the crowd. I believe a sound description would be very helpful in showcasing emotion.

3) I would be mindful of present and past tense here as there are quite a few instances of utilizing both in the same scenario. It's quite awkward to do present tense in narration so people usually stick to past tense, but it's not unheard of, this a great resource on it

https://writersrumpus.com/2022/03/15/past-or-present-learn-which-tense-is-best-for-your-narration/

Link ➼

4) Description of sound would help understand how Syria feels, more onomatopoeias, stomps, whispers, or shouts would help support her emotions about the priest keeping her letter

5) Loving the visual aspects here, but I think there could be a bit more layers in as you write, for example, as the girls were leaving the church, you could add "into a cobbled back alleyway that leads to the streets of their homes" this adds context for me a reader how the outside world is set up.

6) As her magical powers occur, it would be great to have a transitional element in this so I understand what is happening with her powers or if it's an external force. It could be like black shadows creeping off the walls, or sparkles of some sort. Something to indicate what's happening magically.

7) Moving forward to Prologue Part 2 I love the darker aspects here, drinking water from a roof leak is so smart!

8) I enjoy the aspect of her fading in and out of consciousness, it's intriguing to see the different scenes come in and out.

9) I think as Syria is waking up, we could really delve deep into her emotions and how she is functioning within them. Perhaps she freaks out when she wakes up, perhaps she immediately tries to take out her IVs and nose intubation.

10) I believe Ms.McGongall's exposition could be dragged out a bit more, as a reader I'm getting a lot of information from her that could be shown a bit more. Maybe McGongall does an exam on her that essentially goes over the physical aspects. I think this could also frame her personality as the more sterile, academic type that potentially depersonalizes the subject instead of saying what Syria is right away as if she will instantly understand.

𓋼 Pros 𓋼

1) I believe the writing style and structure of your story are great! I think it's shaping along wonderfully and it has its unique personality which is shining through your writing.

2) Some of the more creepy and magical aspects are very enticing, such as the starvation scenes and the visions, your creativity in those scenes was really impressive to me.

𓋼 Areas of Improvement 𓋼

1) Overall I think I needed more mood setting for each scene, sounds and noises, and description to support how we are supposed to see the world and what emotions we are supposed to feel for each of those areas. In the Church/Cathedral, were we supposed to be scared? Annoyed, overwhelmed? How can we use external descriptions to support the dialogue and the narrative that the reader interprets? 

2) I believe there are a few back-and-forths between present and past tense and I think it would greatly benefit the story to have a once-over and see what tense you would like to stick with. Present tense is good with second person, but past is good with first and third. I additionally would use a free writing tool such as wordtune and/or Grammarly to help out.

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.