Story by Harshywrites05

Review by EvelynYvette

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Blurb

Meet Artemis Vanderbilt, the dashing 55-year-old CEO of Vanderbilt Enterprises. Despite his handsome, kind, and driven nature, true love has always eluded him. After countless flings and heartbreaks, he's finally ready for something real.

Enter Rose Amatore, a 31-year-old newly settled data analyst in New York. From the moment Artemis lays eyes on her, he knows she's the one. But Rose, a skeptic of love and wary of heart-stealers like Artemis, sets strict boundaries: their relationship must remain strictly platonic.

He strives to win her heart despite her strict boundaries. As they navigate a friendship that challenges their perceptions of love, they face interference from both his ex-lover and Rose's colleague

Complicating matters, Jana Florence, Artemis's ex who cheated on him, tries to win him back.

In a tale where charm battles skepticism, will their hearts find a way to meet in the middle?

Discover the twists and turns of this unlikely romance in 'Artemis's Devotion'.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼

Starting at chapter 1/the prologue.

1) I think some of the descriptions are out of order. I believe we might benefit from some of the sentences being rearranged. For example, when Artemis is in his mansion, I think it would be beneficial if he was doing something where he started on the inside descriptions and then ending up outside. Here is how I would reword it.

A. "Artemis woke in his mansion, walking down the halls and running his hands over the giant walls and elegance that decorated each room. Going through the dining room and then to the balcony, he surveyed his massive empire and home, each corner surrounded by a hulking body guard and isolated in an expansive garden.

B. All of this was left to him by his parents who vanished to Florida..."

This is an example on how we're following the character from one side of the home to another, and also showcasing how expansive the place is.

2) The transition to Rose could be a little bit more smooth, maybe Artemis sees himself as the sexiest man alive, make a joke about being Apollo himself like the sun, but he has a spot on his reputation that is Rose who hurt him badly, but he doesnt want to admit it.

3) I also think we're spending quite a lot of time telling vs showing. Theres more actions I think Rose could be doing. Perhaps she's already doing Yoga that day and while she does it, her designer bangles and designer workout gear is the star of the show. It characterizes Rose that she had expensive tastes.

4) I enjoy that Artemis is standing his ground with Alanna! You tell her. It is a bit confusing between names, does Alanna = Rose?

5) I think the scene with Alex happened too quickly. I dont mean that you should spend excruciating detail on the potential SA, but I do believe you could spend more time on the anxiety inducing details. Sweat, heart beats, what does it smell like in the room? Do those type of smells trigger her?

6) I think I'm missing the in depth feelings that I think should happen when Artemis sees Rose. Perhaps the world stops? Does he sweat? Does he almost run away from fear? When he longs so much for a partner that when he sees her that he runs away which is contradictory to what he wants? I think fully fleshing out this scene with sounds, thoughts, and atmosphere would be helpful for me as a reader.

Though my review of this one is a bit shorter, I felt that some of my review points were repetitive and could be summarized Overall I think you have the structure of a story here that could have strong romantic current between the two leads. I think with some work around grammatical structure of your sentences, pacing, and atmospheric descriptions we would see a stronger impact to the emotional instances of the story. I also recommend adding tools to your writing process in order to support things. Grammarly, Wordhippo, and Wordtune are great virtual assistants that will support you in providing example sentence descriptions you can utilize in order to re-write things, or even provide supplemental information you can utilize. As always, thanks for letting me read! 

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.