The Perfect Soulmate by AsmaAsma966318

Review by MiniMoxx

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Blurb

"It is only yet another missing case is it ?"

Theo faber A talented detective who had solved many cases in his career. Is handed another case of finding a missing person case . What will happen when he found his life being turned around as he still committees to find out what happened that night .While he try to save his only happiness as he solved this mystery and learned

Love can make you kill or be killed.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review Chapter 1 𓋼

𓋼 Hook 𓋼

The very beginning is great, a very hooking first sentence. I'm not entirely sure what the massive line of dots mean, so I would take them out. It also doesn't seem relevant and isn't explained what the line actually means, it goes from that really hooking line to someone sitting reading. I'd take a look at hooks in other books to see how they hook. You have the perfect idea using that speech, but unfortunately the hook falls a little flat as it's not clear who/what/why/when or if it's relevant to the rest of the chapter.

As a first chapter itself, for me, there doesn't seem to be a real hook - as in, there isn't much pulling me in to read chapter 2 - because it reads very info dumpy. By that, I mean it's very dialogue heavy, there's a lot of 'telling', which is natural in first chapters but there isn't much description (for example the guy with blonde hair is described but not a lot, and there's no scenic description, no feelings/emotions described). All of these features REALLY hook in a reader to chapter 1 and will keep them on the edge of their seat. You're writing a mystery, so those elements are especially needed. 

𓋼 Plot 𓋼

. I'm going to be honest, there doesn't seem to be much of a plot in chapter 1 so far. I'm not expecting the entire book's plot to come out here, but what as a reader, I am expecting is a character, an inciting incident or hook, and some flow. Right now, chapter 1 feels very dialogue heavy (as outlined above) and there doesn't feel like there's much of anything going on.

. My advice would be this: strip the whole of chapter 1 back and lead in with an introduction to our main character and bring in this new case. We don't need to know who everyone is, what a reader would rather know the book's hook and plot rather than what he does at a board meeting. ESPECIALLY if your plan for this is to be successful on Wattpad, you want a HOOK (for example, in a romance, the 2 loves meet, or in a mystery someone dies and the police are called to investigate). 

𓋼 Pacing 𓋼

The pacing to me feels a bit off.

. The 'later that day' isn't bolded or in the centre, which trips up because I almost missed it. With time skips, I'd personally advise either taking it out and using the narration to describe the time skip. So, having a page break, and using the narration to describe how long has passed. Either that, or utilising a new chapter for the time skip.

. The POV in the chapter chops and changes. It's 3rd person, but then it goes into Theo's POV which is 1st person. Generally, you stick to one, but SOMETIMES you can get away with having dual POV book with one character in 3rd person, one character in 1st. But this is really difficult to pull off, and you shouldn't do it within one chapter. To me, this reads better in 3rd person so far. You can still get into Theo's head within 3rd, but you need to be careful on how to do this, so just play around with it, rewrite it, get some feedback etc. Once you get used to it, it feels natural!.

𓋼 Grammar 𓋼

. I've noticed a lot of grammar issues within your story. Mainly there are no commas where there should be [my suggestions are in these brackets] (eg: "Come on[,] we can do this[!] [Please don't give up.] [K]eep your eyes open for me." Right now, the chapter reads a bit all over the place and I'm gasping for breath when reading as I need to breathe, but there is no punctuation.

. Right now, you're either not using punctuation in dialogue or using both a question mark and full stop. Speech needs to read a bit like this:

"Hi, Alison," Theo said. [said is a dialogue tag that says HOW the speech is said, which needs a comma within the speech]

OR

"Hi, Alison." Theo sipped his drink. [sipped is an action tag which is nothing to do with dialogue, so needs a full stop.]

. There's also a lot of spaces within dialogue which doesn't need to be there.

. I'd suggest looking up basic grammar rules for the English language, and for punctuation and grammar around dialogue and dialogue/action tags to help guide you with this.

. Your tenses get mixed up, you write 'says' (present) and 'was' (past) in the same chapter, for example. When writing you want to stick to one tense. Past or present, and stick consistently. It's hard to get your head around, but try saying things out loud or having things read out loud to understand where it's going wrong.

𓋼 Specifics 𓋼

You asked if it looks professional and is it interesting. I'll break these down.

. Interesting - there's some interesting hooks here. The first sentence I think is where it's at. That's what had me interested. The rest - I'm going to be honest here - didn't interest me. If this was me writing this, I would be rolling with that first sentence. I want to know more. Who said it, what is it? If it's to do with the mystery, you could make it a prologue. If it's to do with Theo, make this the focus of chapter 1. Bring in the actual case into chapter 1.

. Professional - unfortunately, with the formatting and grammar/spelling issues, right now this doesn't look professional. These are all things you can learn, though, and with some practice and research, you can improve this very very easily.

I've laid out my suggestions in each of these breakdowns, however, to add: I would look up some either British or American English (whichever version you're using) guides into your grammar and spelling rules - both versions have different rules, so watch out.

I'd also read some more in your genre for how they format, hook and pace their chapter 1s. Especially with a mystery, you want some suspense and readers to be on the edge of their seats!

I hope this all helps you! Your premise feels really intriguing, and I love mysteries, so use that first sentence! It's intriguing!

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.