Story by Uditasree

Review by Coco_da_cat

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Blurb

Chandravati - Lit by the moon

The dark sky was lit by the moonlight and the dazzling stars. The moon is in his full glory tonight. Summer night is lingered with the fragrance of mangoes and jasmine. Noises made by children cries pleading their mothers to play for some more time could still be heard,overtone by the rustles of the leaves as she moved towards the mango tree and gazed the beloved mama of the world.

"Will you be Ruchi to my cooking," asked Advay surprising Ruchi.

She stared at him noting the serious eyes, though it was dark and the only source of light was the moon she could still see his expressions and recognize the sincerity in his voice. A small smile crept on her face.

"Perhaps-" she replied still smiling.

Though he smiled, it did not reach his eyes. She didn't fail to notice the disappointment in his eyes.

"-yes for a lifetime"

This time, not only his eyes but heart,also rejoiced at her words.

Lifetime... lifetime...lifetime...

These words kept running in his mind. Maybe his lifetime came to an end and he knew it would if not now but someday. He knew it the moment he accepted the case. It was inevitable, and Harit gladly accepted the challenge he was going to lose. A battle he might win at the cost of his death in his own hands.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼

𓋼 Cover/Title 𓋼

4.5/5

You say that Chandravati means lit by the moon, and we can see that on the cover. The cover is simple, but it fits with the title well, and I think it's a lovely duo!

𓋼 Grammar 𓋼

2.5/5

There are some punctuation errors (like where the dialogue doesn't have an ending punctuation), but other than that, the grammar is good.

In the second chapter, I noticed some places where commas were missing. You use commas to separate independent clauses after conjunction (and, but, so), after introductory clauses, phrases, or words, items in a series, or after two dependent clauses. These are some quick ones that I can think of, but they are where commas are used most of the time. There are areas where ending punctuation is missing, and slight tense issues.

In the third chapter, some of the sentences are fragmented and there are punctuation errors again. Running the story through Grammarly could be beneficial.

𓋼 Hook/Blurb 𓋼

9/10

I love the description of the night you have in the blurb. You use many sensory details which is a good tool for descriptions. There are slight grammatical errors in the first paragraph, as well as filler words. In the second paragraph, I don't understand what Advay says when he asks Ruchi to be the Ruchi to his cooking. This could use some elaboration. You do set up the fact that there will be a connection between Ruchi and Advay, and you also hint at a crime or mystery. These are interesting elements, and overall, I think it's a great blurb!

The letter in the prologue was beautifully written, and I think it helps set up a good hook. My issue with it is that there are foreign terms that you don't define. I like how you incorporate the moon into the letter, especially seeing that the moon seems to be a major influence on the story.

𓋼 Enjoyment 𓋼

8.5/10

Overall, this was a nice mystery to read and I enjoyed it. My issue is that it gets a little hard to read at times because many areas flow quickly or they're not fleshed out as well as they could be.

𓋼 Flow 𓋼

7.5/10

The first chapter flowed nicely, but I feel some areas could have been fleshed out. The first chapter is essential for setting up the world and characters. There are areas where you should describe the character's thoughts to allow the reader to get a better glimpse of their character, or you could describe the restaurant or way of life to allow the reader to make a sense of the world.

The second chapter changed perspectives a lot, and I feel like you could convey the same information from one character's perspective. With the phone call, for example, you could have it as Ruchi's perspective receiving it before jumping into the future when she is trying to fit together the clues. I also don't completely understand why Ved confessed so easily (because his character isn't set up well).

The third chapter flowed nicely with a pleasing conclusion. You were able to finalize the ideas that were mentioned in the previous chapters, but some areas were still confusing (as I pointed out earlier).

𓋼 Plot 𓋼

7/10

I feel like the first chapter did have some plot holes. What is the mystery? At first, it seems to be investigating Harit and his attempted suicide, but then the story goes to Jay who died of cancer. I cannot get a good sense of the conflict from the first chapter, and it jumps around with characters a lot.

The second chapter's plot was good because it showed the clues leading up the the solved case. Even though I feel like the perspectives switched too much, the chapter did well with its primary goal.

In the third chapter, you did well finalizing the mystery and making sure all the pieces were clear.

𓋼 Worldbuilding 𓋼

2/10

I do like how you opened the first chapter with conflict, but what is the place the narrator is talking about? What makes it so personal? You could go into more detail about Ruchi's job, how the restaurant functions, or their world as a whole.

There isn't much worldbuilding or background about the characters of the world in the second chapter either. Granted, there weren't areas that you needed to set up, but some more information about the world would be helpful.

I love how you described the night's atmosphere in the third chapter! Going into the sensory details and the things in the garden (jasmine, mango tree, etc.) were beautifully described and it allows the reader to get a wonderful picture of the scene.

𓋼 Writing Style 𓋼

4/10

You also use both a question mark and exclamation point in one sentence in the first chapter–for that sentence, it seems to only be a question so you can remove the exclamation point. You also have a word in bold a few sentences down, and it would be better to italicize it (or in this situation to unitalicize it). It is good that you are adding the tone of the speaker after the dialogue, but an addition could be to add in body language, and observable traits. This is another tool that can help make the piece even more detailed!

When describing events that happened in the past, it is unnecessary to italicize it all. As long as you explicitly state that this speech happened in the past, you do not need to place it all in italics.

You put in a quote early in the second chapter, but you use hope many times. It seems wordy and excessive, and because it's not a direct quote from someone, I think it would be best to try to cut down on the number of times you used hope. You also have the speech in italics again which is unnecessary. The same happens when you describe Rushi's frustration. Adding even one more sentence to show her emotions could help strengthen the scene a lot.

When Ved confesses to the crimes, the dialogue is filled with ellipses. Many of these are unnecessary, and you could describe his speech in another way (shake, uncertain, etc.). It also doesn't make much sense as to why he simply confessed everything. You didn't elaborate this much.

In the third chapter, all the speech is in italics. I do not see the point of this, and it would be best to remove the italics as words that are all italicized can imply other ideas. Some of the descriptions were lovely in this chapter.

𓋼 Character(s) 𓋼

2.5/15

When you describe the part where Ruchi did the background research on Advay, I feel like that would be a good place to include more about her character. Is this something she always does for an investigation? Does she enjoy it? What does the information she discovered make her feel about Advay or what new information did she gain? Why is it strange that Advay gifted his son his assets? Describe this in detail, and why it differs from his personality. Another area that you could go into depth about was when Ruchi was thinking about Chandravati. What thoughts was she having? You could add more detail than "I was lost in thoughts".

There were many characters introduced, but we didn't get a good sense of their personalities. We can see that Ruchi and Advay have a connection, but what do they look like? What do any of the characters look like? How does Ruchi act as an investigator? How are their lives? Who is Jay? These are all questions that may come across a reader, and none of them were answered in the first chapter which is needed to set up the characters.

In the second chapter, you say that the world is giving Advay a second chance, but what happened after the first time? What makes this all so important to him? Flesh out his emotions and thoughts more.

With Harit's perspective in the second chapter, you say that "I really hope she'll get the clue". Really is used as a filler word, but I feel that his emotions could use some fleshing out. You use really to show the situation, but it's a weak word. I would write that as I hope she'll get the clue. If not, it could lead to my ruin. This can further elaborate Harit's emotions and make the scene more powerful overall.

You also introduce Ved as the one who committed the crime. We have little background description of him. Elaborating his personality and showing the type of person he is would make Ruchi's shock more plausible.

In the third chapter, you start by saying Ved's father and his partner in crime have been arrested. I thought it was Ved who did the crime. We have no information about these other two people and it makes no sense to the reader as to why they were arrested. As I stated before, fleshing out the character's emotions could be beneficial instead of saying a word (annoyed, excited, etc.). Once again, Advay asks Ruchi if she will be the Ruchi to his cooking which doesn't make much sense without the context.

𓋼 General 𓋼

6.5/15

Chapter 1

Your writing is nice, and I have included some suggestions to continue to enhance the writing. Chapter One's biggest flaws would be that many things weren't fleshed out, and you didn't do a great job setting up the world. The world and its characters need to be set up in the first chapter, and I did not see this happening. Focus more on showing instead of telling.

Chapter 2

I feel like the best thing to improve on in this chapter would be the characters. Give them more life so we can connect with them better. Flesh out the emotions. Describe even what you may consider as little details such as body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, personality, and everything that makes us human.

Chapter 3

Overall, the third chapter was effective at ending the story, but once again, some areas could be further described. Go into depth about the character's emotions, and there were a handful of areas that were tricky to read because they were not mentioned in previous chapters. I do like the descriptions and the dialogue between the two characters.

I believe this story would benefit most from fleshing out areas. Go into more depth about the character (emotions, expressions, traits, and image), how the world functions and how it's set up, and the plot holes. I do understand that there is some cultural difference, but I hope that my comments were able to help on a more generalized scale.

Coco

Total:

54/100

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.