On Buffy's street at night, Willow, Xander and I were walking ahead of Buffy on our way to her house.

"You don't know what you're talking about," Xander told us.

"Xander, he was obviously in charge," I told him.

"He was a puppet," Xander told us. "She was using him."

"He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used," Willow told him.

"Well, that was her genius," Xander told us. "He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle." He turned behind him. "Buffy."

"Huh?" Buffy asked.

"Who was the real power?" Xander asked. "The Captain, or Tennille?"

"Ummm..." Buffy trailed off. "Who are these people?"

"The Captain and Tennille?" Xander asked. "Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment."

"I'm sorry," Buffy told us. "I was just..."

"Thinking?" I suggested.

"No, not thinking," Buffy answered. "Having a lot of happy non-thoughts. I love it when things are quiet around here."

"Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been riding the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that," Xander told us.

"Yeah, but we'll let you off this time," I told him.

We turned down the walk to Buffy's house.

"So, we're pretty sure that there're not more Tarakan assassins coming our way?" Willow asked.

"Angel's sources say the contract's off," Buffy answered.

"How is Angel?" Xander asked. "Pretend I care."

Buffy smiled. "Getting better."

"And you're loving playing nursemaid?" Willow asked.

"Oh, yeah," Buffy answered.

"So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?" I asked.

"Zoey..." Buffy trailed off. I chuckled. We climbed the steps to the porch. Buffy got out her key and reached up to put it in the door lock. When she pushed on it to insert it the door just swings in. She stared in, concerned to find the door unlocked. "You guys wait here a second."

Buffy slowly walked in and looked around.

~~

Xander, Willow and I had been invited to stay for dinner with Buffy, Mrs. Summers and her new man named Ted.

Ted was,cooking. He opened the oven and slid in a baking sheet full of mini pizzas. "Okay, here we go! Sprinkle that on..."

"Uh, a little more," Xander told him. "Okay, more..."

Ted took the cast-iron pan from the stove, walking over to the island with it and scooping out several finished pizzas.

"I like my new nine-Gig hard drive," Willow told him.

"But you don't love it, 'cause without the DMA upgrade your computer's only half a rocket ship," Ted told her.

"Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?" Willow asked.

"Well, you can," Ted told her. "I get the demos for free, I don't see why I shouldn't give 'em to you for the same price! Any friend of Buffy's..." Willow squealed with delight. Xander munched on one of the mini pizzas. "What?"

"Oh, that's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy," I explained.

"Can I just say, this is the finest pizza ever on God's green Earth," Xander told him. "What is your secret?"

"Well, after you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil, but you gotta use . . ." Ted trailed off, knocking his pan. "A cast-iron skillet. No room for compromise there."

Buffy and Ms. Summers walked back into the kitchen.

"You know, you should market these things," Xander told him. "I mean, you can get two, three hundred bucks apiece."

Ted laughed at that and took the plate with the pizzas over to Buffy. "Hungry?"

"No, thanks," Buffy answered.

"Buffy, I want to apologize," Ted told her. "That wasn't how I wanted us to meet. I wanted it to be... perfect. I'm very fond of your mother, I guess that's pretty obvious. I know you're the most . . ." He gestured toward the picture of Buffy and her mom on the refrigerator. "Important thing in her life, and, well, gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too."

Ms. Summers stood next to Ted. "Buffy, I really want you to be okay with this."

"Beg to differ," Ted told her. "We really want you to be okay with this."

They both smiled at Buffy.

"I'm okay," Buffy told them.

"You are?" Ms. Summers asked.

Buffy smiled stiffly. "I am."

~~

At school the next day, Buffy looked at Xander, Willow and me. "If you say one more word, things will become dire."

"Did you even bother to taste 'em?" Xander asked. "Nooo! Well, I did, and I'm here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life. Ted is the master chef."

"Fine!" Buffy said. "So he's a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you about a person?"

"Everything," Xander told her.

"You don't like him?" Willow asked.

"I don't know him," Buffy told us. "I, I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really likes him."

"What kind of a monster is he?" I asked in a rough voice.

"I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown," Buffy told us.

Willow giggled. "He's a clean clown!" We gave her a look. "I have my own fun."

We arrived at the vending machines.

"Buff, you're lacking evidence," Xander told her. "I think maybe we're in Sigmund Freud territory."

I put coins into the machine.

"He has a point," Willow told her. "Separation anxiety, the mother figure being taken away, conflict with the father figure..."

"He's not my father figure," Buffy told her.

"Having issues much?" I asked.

"I am not!" Buffy told me.

"Buff, who do you think you're talking to?" I asked. "My rock star dad cheated on my boring as hell mom with a witch that tried to kill me because I told her daughter about it and her dad overheard and dumped her for it."

"Zoey, this is completely different," Buffy told me.

"Same context," I told her.

"Okay, I admit it's weird," Buffy told us. "Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapy land, but it's more than that. I'm pretty good at sensing what's going on around me, and there is definitely something wrong with this... Ted."

Xander spotted Ted coming down the stairs behind Buffy. "Ted!"

"Of course, Ted," Buffy told him. "Who'd you think I was talking about?"

"Hi, Ted!" Xander told him, looking at Buffy. "Ted, who's here."

"Hello, kids," Ted told us.

Buffy and Willow turned to face him.

"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked.

"I'm updating the software in the guidance office," Ted answered. "Which reminds me." He pulled several disks from his pocket and handed them to Willow. "Your upgrades."

Willow eagerly accepted the disks. "Oh, what a day! Thank you!"

Buffy gave Willow a look.

"Think nothing of it," Ted told her. "Buffy, do you like miniature golf?"

"Who doesn't?" Xander asked.

"Well, your mother and I were thinking maybe this Saturday we could drag the four of you out to the course, spend some time swinging the iron with the stuffy old people," Ted told her.

"Well, uh..." Buffy trailed off.

"I'm making a picnic basket," Ted told us.

Xander's eyes went wide. "With mini pizzas?"

"And cookies," Ted added.

Xander inhaled in wide-eyed, open-mouthed rapture.

"You know what, we, we would love to, honestly, but, um, unfortunately we have that . . ." Buffy trailed off, looking to Willow and me for support. "Thing on Saturday."

"Ohhh, that thing," I said. We looked at Xander. "That thing."

"Hey, we can do that thing anytime," Xander told us. "I'm tired of doing that thing." He looked at Ted. "We're on!"

"Great," Ted told us.

Willow, Buffy and I could only smile, Willow widely, Buffy half-heartedly, me awkwardly.

~~

On Saturday at the mini-golf course, Buffy, Willow, Xander, Ms. Summers, Ted and I walked up to the next hole.

"Ah, the dreaded five-par cuckoo clock," Xander said. "Ha! So many have come, so few have conquered."

Xander put his ball in place and studied his shot.

Ms. Summers looked at Ted. "That picnic was delicious." Xander took his shot. It was weak. "You know how rare it is to find a man that cooks?"

"I know I've been looking a long time for one," Ted said. "So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block trying to get a date with you."

"Not really," Buffy told them.

"Oh, they are, but she's only interested in--" Willow started. I nudged her. "Uh, her studies. 'Book-cracker Buffy', it's kind of her nickname."

Ted looked at Buffy. "Well, glad to hear it. I bet that means your grades will be picking up soon."

Ted leaned down to position his ball for his shot.

"My grades?" Buffy repeated, pacing over to her mom. "How does he know about my grades?"

"I told him," Ms. Summers answered. "He wants to know everything about you. He's concerned. That's a good thing." Ted made his shot. "Ooo, nice shot, Ted!"

We went to the next hole with a castle.

Buffy was ready to take her shot.

"Keep your eye on the ball," Ted told her. "Watch those elbows!" Buffy swung a bit too hard, and the ball ricocheted off of the castle and into the rough behind it. "Oh! Bad luck, little lady!"

Buffy started to walk to retrieve her ball for another try.

"Oh, we won't count it," Ms. Summers told her.

"We won't?" Ted asked.

Buffy stopped and turned back to look at them.

"Well, it's just miniature golf," Ms. Summers told him.

"It is, but the rules are the rules," Ted told her. "And what we teach her is what she takes out into the world when we're not there, whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party." He looked at Buffy. "I don't mean to overstep my bounds, this is between you and your mother, I just think right is right."

"He has a point," Ms. Summers told her.

"Fine," Buffy told them. "I'll just go hit my ball from the rough." She walked away. "Hey, how 'bout that! Got a hole in two!"

Ted followed her.

We walked toward them.

Ted looked at us. "Who's up for dessert? I made chocolate-chip cookies."

Ms. Summers opened the zip-lock bag of cookies.

"Yum-my," I said.

"Cookies!" Willow said.

Buffy stared at everyone.

"Yeah," Ted said. "I-I made, uh, too many, so you guys are gonna have to take some home."

Everyone had a cookie and was munching away.

"Mm!" Ms. Summers said. "Buffy, you've got to try one of these. They're really good. Mm."

Ted offered her one with a smile.

Buffy just kept looking at us in disbelief.

"Mm," I hummed

"Mm," Xander hummed. "These are tasty."

~~

Next day at the school, Willow, Buffy, Xander and I were walking across the quad outside.

Xander was munching on a cookie.

"What do you mean, check him out?" Willow asked.

"I mean investigate him," Buffy answered. "Find out his secrets, hack into his life."

"Can you say 'overreaction'?" I asked.

"Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?" Buffy replied.

"Buffy, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt, or something," Willow told her.

"The guy lost his senses over mini-golf," Buffy told us.

"So he's a little uptight," Xander told her. "Last I heard that's not a slaying offense." Buffy gave him a look. "Don't gimme the look, I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept."

Buffy, Willow and I sat on a bench.

"And I'm saying Ted ain't one of 'em," Buffy told us.

Xander noticed Cordelia walk past us behind the bench. "Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit."

Cordelia stopped to look at him. "Oh, very funny."

"Not really," Xander told her.

"What are you saying?" Cordelia asked.

Buffy, Willow and I looked up at Xander.

"Nice outfit?" Xander said what sounded like a question.

"Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?" Cordelia asked, walking away.

"Would you guys excuse me for a sec?" Xander asked, following after Cordelia.

I watched them go. "What's up with them?"

~~

"Guys, I'm not wrong here," Buffy told us. "Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around."

"Different, like happy?" I asked.

"Like Stepford," Buffy answered. "Will you help me?"

"You know I will," Willow told her. "What do you want me to look for?"

"Let's start small," Buffy told her. "Can you find out where he works?"

Willow nodded.

~~

Buffy had gone to his job.

And Ted and Buffy had gotten into a fight. Ted had fell down the stairs, and he had died.

Next day, at school, everybody seemed to be talking about it.

In the lounge, Xander, Willow and I caught up with her.

"Buffy," Xander said. We walked up the steps up to the couches. "Are you okay?"

"How come you're here?" I asked.

"I couldn't stay at home," Buffy told us, sitting down. Willow and I sat down on either side of her. "Mom won't even look at me."

Xander sat on the table facing them.

"What happened?" Willow asked. "Unless you don't want to talk about it."

"We had a fight and I lost my temper," Buffy answered. "I really let him have it."

"The paper said he fell," I told her.

"He fell," Buffy told us. "Hard."

"What was he?" Xander asked.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"What was he?" Xander repeated. "A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature-feature here, right?" Buffy looked at him a moment and then lowered her eyes. "Oh, man."

"But I'm sure it wasn't your fault," Willow told her.  "He started it."

"Yeah," Buffy said. "That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will."

"Court?" I repeated. "Wa-wait. Are they charging you with something?"

Buffy shook her head. "I-I don't know. Not yet." Willow looked at her sympathetically. Buffy looked down. "He was a person, and I killed him."

"Don't say that," Willow told her.

Buffy looked up at Willow. "Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth."

"It was an accident," I told her.

"I'm the Slayer," Buffy told us. "I had no right to hit him like that."

"Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly," Xander told her. "But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless..."

"Unless they were dating my mother?" Buffy asked. Xander had no response to that. "I gotta go."

Buffy stood up and left at a quick pace.

Xander, Willow and I watched her go and looked at each other for what to do.

We had no idea.

~~

We were in the library.

Willow and I were at the table. Willow was surfing for information.

Giles was behind us in the cage getting together some weapons.

Cordelia sat across from me.

Xander was pacing. "Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him..." I gave him a look. "Earlier this week."

"I thought you liked him," Cordelia told him.

Xander stepped over to her. "I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty."

Giles walked out of the cage with his bag in one hand and the crossbow in the other.

"We've gotta prove that somehow," I told them.

"Zo, do you have a pen?" Willow asked.

I opened my bag to get a pen.

Giles set his bag on the table and put the crossbow in.

"If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it," Xander told us. "He's gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a criminal record?" He found a zip lock bag of Ted's cookies. "Ooo! Cookies!"

Giles walked back into the cage for more weapons.

"I don't get it," Cordelia told us. "Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have..."

"What, a license to kill?" I asked, handing the pen to Willow.

Xander took a bite of a cookie.

"Well, not for fun," Cordelia told me. "But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?"

"Sure, in a fascist society," I told her sarcastically.

"Right," Cordelia said. "Why can't we have one of those?"

I put my hand to my head.

"Buffy's not going to jail," Willow told us. "It's not fair."

Giles came back. "Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself." He added an ax and other stuff to the bag. "She's taken a human life. The guilt, it-it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon."

"I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?" Cordelia asked.

"Yes, do bring that up as often as possible," Giles said sarcastically, walking back to the cage.

"So, Giles, you taking over tonight?" Xander asked, taking another bite of his cookie.

"Um, well, Buffy's not in any shape to patrol," Giles told us, walking back to the table.

"You actually wanna fight creatures of the night?" Cordelia asked skeptically.

"I know it might be controversial, Cordy, but people actually wanna do work for the greater good and help keep people safe," I told her.

"The least I can do is pick up the slack," Giles told us. "Someone has to."

Giles added several crosses to the bag.

"Giles, you shouldn't go out there without the Slayer," Willow told him.

"Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, there is no Slayer," Giles told us. "I will go if she needs help."

Xander took another bite of his cookie.

"If you need help . . ." I trailed off.

"Uh, Buffy needs your help more than I," Giles told us. "You carry on investigating, see if you can find out as much about this Buchanan chap as possible."

"Be careful," Willow told him.

"I will!" Giles told us, leaving.

"Ted's got no criminal record," Willow told us. "Damn. This guy's like citizen of the year."

"Don't sweat it," Xander told us. "It'll be fine."

"Don't sweat it?" I repeated.

"Yeah, cute buddy," Xander told me, walking closer to Willow and me. "We'll work it out." He ruffled my hair. "No worries."

"What happened to 'this is killing me'?" Cordelia asked.

Xander shook his cookie at Cordelia. "Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems."

The cookie caught Willow's eye and she grabbed it from Xander, breaking off most of it. She turned it in her hand as she looked at it.

~~

We went to the science lab.

Several cookies were sitting on a scale.

Willow was staring into a microscope. "Okay."

"What do we know?" I asked.

"Well, apparently the secret ingredient . . ." Willow trailed off, looking up from the scope. "Is not love."

"What is it then?" I asked.

"I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin," Willow told us. "It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy."

"This is evidence," Xander told us. "This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you!" Willow smiled widely. "Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!"

Cordelia walked into the lab. "Well, your search finally hit pay dirt. You got some personal records, marriage certificates and an address."

Cordelia put the printouts on the table.

"Well, let's check it out, get our Slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt," I told them, leading the way out, grabbing the printouts on the way.

They followed.

~~

We went to Ted's small workshop.

I looked in through the multi-paned window and saw the place is dark and empty. He broke one of the panes with a crowbar and used it to knock out the broken glass.

"Careful!" Willow told me.

I reached in through the window and opened the door from inside. I looked in. Willow came to stand in the doorway also. We scanned around the place with our flashlights. Slowly, we walked in with Cordelia and Xander right behind us.

"Let's look around," I told them.

Willow looked over the paperwork we had on him.

"I'll take the back," Cordelia told us.

"Check for cookies," Xander told her. Willow and I gave Xander a look. "For evidence."

"So far I've counted four marriage certificates," Willow told us.

I looked at some shelves. "Any divorce papers?"

"Not a one," Willow answered.

"So either our boy was a Mormon, or..." Xander trailed off.

"Whoa, whoa, 1957," Willow told us. "Ted must've married young! Like pre-school young."

Cordelia walked in from the back. "Nothing interesting back here. Doesn't look like anybody's worked here, let alone lived here."

"Something's missing here," Xander told us. "This doesn't seem like Ted at all."

Cordelia looked down. "Yeah, and this rug? It doesn't go with the rest of the decor."

I looked down at the new-looking Oriental rug.

Willow, Xander and I exchanged a look.

I stepped back off of the rug and lifted it back. Underneath was a trap door.

~~

Xander pushed down the ladder and it unfolded into the basement below. He climbed down the steps and reached up his hand to steady Cordelia as she followed. Willow and I followed.

Xander found a switch on the wall and flipped it.

The lights came on, and an old record player started to play lounge music.

We all lookes around.

The place was furnished as an apartment, with hippie decor.

"Feels like home," I told them. "If it's the fifties and you're a psycho."

We continued looking around.

Cordelia checked out some magazines on the coffee table.

Willow found a window and pulled aside the curtains. There was just a wall on the other side of the glass.

Xander found a closet door. "Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?" He opened the door and looked inside with his flashlight and couldn't believe his eyes. He quickly slammed the door shut. "Let's go."

"But we need evidence," Cordelia told him.

"We got it," Xander told us.

"What's in there?" Willow asked.

"His first four wives," Xander asked.

Willow, Cordelia and I started back up the stairs. Xander turned off the light switch and followed us.

~~

At school the next day, Xander, Buffy, Willow, Cordelia and I came down the stairs and started down the hall.

"So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser," Xander told us. "I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed."

"The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius," Willow told us. "There were design features in that robot that pre-date..."

"Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts," I told her.

"Not any big ones," Willow told us.

"Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!" I told her.

"I just wanna learn stuff," Willow told us.

"Like how to build your own serial killer?" Cordelia asked.

Willow frowned.

"Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays," Xander told us.

"Can we just drop the subject?" Cordelia asked.

"Absolutely," Buffy answered. "I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off." Buffy, Willow and I lookes into the library through the round door windows to see Ms. Calendar and Giles inside holding each other while they kissed. We immediately turned around and walked away. "Okay! That's it! I give up! Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room?"

Xander and Cordelia looked in, too, smiling at each other and following us.

I shook my head. "I mean, what is it with grownups these days?"

We may never know.