i enter my home carefully, to not cause any sound but light suddenly turns on and i see mom sitting on the sofa, waiting for me. i fake faint smile and try to walk properly so she can't notice anything

"usually you aren't this late, did something happen?" she asks with worrying tone and i tighten the fist to stop myself from crying. no matter how old we're, how strong and independent, still when someone or something hurts us, parents and especially mom's warm lap always stays the safest place we can find relief, mommy i wanna share my pain, i wanna scream, sob but...

"no, everything is ok, i spent some time with my friends. i'm going to take shower now, you can sleep"

"you look pale and exhausted, please take a good rest son" she pets my shoulder and walks in bedroom, i drag myself to bathroom and quickly remove clothes, throwing everything in trash can, touched by his dirty hands, wearing his scent, i don't want anything connected to him, but... what about my body? can i throw it away too? standing in front of the mirror i watch myself and can see nothing more but dirtiness, my nipples're still stiff and swollen, whole neck, chest and thighs are full of  hickies, red by all rough rubbing, ruin... i'm ruined, still feeling his skin in my nails i internally scream and hit mirror with my fist, not minding the blood i turn on the shower and scrubb my body like possessed until it starts to ache, but i know it won't change anything, memories... It still remains. 

falling down i hug my knees and realize what makes me the most crazy. being raped it always destroys your body and psyche but there is something more... when this act gives you the pleasure ... it makes you hate not only rapist but yourself too. you feel like someone lewd and abnormal. 

every sound of my moans, every hungry touch left on his body by me, the mocking, dirty calls from those rich bastards while leaving that mansion, everything i can feel and hear clearly like before. They knew, everyone knew, it was trap for me and fell in, became just thing for their entertainment but... My lips forms sudden grin and i stand up feeling dizzy, water is already off and i can't even realize how long was sitting here. Enduring sharp pain i lie down on the bed and think... Think... think, no i won't forget but remember everything very well, in details, i'll make sure this hate to not lessen and one day he gonna realize, i'm not someone he can just use like this, regret, Wang Yibo is going to regret playing with me. Tiredness wins over me and soon fall asleep, if i knew that from now on, not only my life but maybe i'm going to change too, if i just forget and keep living the same, but the decisions taken hot minded... Brings troubles, always

*****

"Zhan come here, listen to this candidate. I really love his thinking and election promises" mom tells me after i leave my room and trying to pay attention on her words i look at TV and feel like throwing up. The familiar, widely smiling face, looking too innocent and cute, if i didn't know... Unable to hold it i ran to bathroom and empty my stomach.

"What is wrong with you? Need the medicine?"

"Maybe i got food indigestion, just please turn it off"

"Why? It's interesting. He is talking about homo problems"

"Mom"

"Why so upset? Don't you work at his company? Congressman Wang is truly decent politician, if he wins, that disgusting faggots are going to be banned, like they deserve, without any right to show us their dirty acts and faces"

"He says so?" I hysterically laugh remembering the gay couples wrapped around each-other like snakes in his own home and she looks at me with widen eyes "what a joke, fighting for pure society? This man? Father of..." I stop and shake my head "mom, you don't know anything, just yesterday i was the same, maybe it's time to finally learn, how to distinguish fake from real..."

"You're going to defend your dad again" she doesn't even minds my words

"Please don't start again"

"He was like them, cause of his unhealthy, sickly desires, he left us his family. You this precious boy, had to..."

"You weren't even sure mom, he was never willing to leave, with your nonstop jealousy, harsh words you make him run away" the pain in the chest makes me breathless, if he was here next to me, would it be different? Could he protect me? Silly, only yours, it was only your fault Zhan

"Do you blame me? I saw it, with my own eyes"

"you made me grow up hating them, planted disgust in me, they're abnormal... So got no right to exist, to love, to be happy, you tried to hide me from dirtiness but... It's too funny mom, usually... exactly our biggest fears becomes reality, life plays and takes advantages on us, this precious boy is nothing more but idiot"

"Son, what is happening to you, please don't scare me" suddenly she gets startled and i wipe blood from nose, my head suddenly becomes too heavy and face burning, trying to move i can only hear her screaming and darkness fully covers my vision.

***

"He is having high fever, think not caused only by cold but strong stress too, we have to look over him for today" nurse says to mom and i open my eyes, she smiles and noticing her red, swollen eyes i regret wasting my anger on her.

"Mom"

"What my dear"

"I'm sorry"

"As long you're ok, this old woman is happy too, just take care of yourself"

"I want to leave"

"Worry about work? Don't need to, they called and told me you can rest today. I have no idea how they knew you ..."

"Mom, if i leave that work"

"Don't even think about this, you got already fired from few previous companies. This is good chance for you Zhan, do they treat you badly?"

"They don't mom" i sigh and ask for my phone "i want to make a call"

"Sure, i'll go buy something to eat"

I deal the number and sweeten my voice "hello pretty, i wanna ask you something"

"For date?"

"Maybe someday, but for now i need someone's address. The second intern, yes my so called friend, can you help me? I know, i know it's confidential but for my beautiful eyes won't you make exception?"

"Ok, i'll message it to you"

"You're best" i cut call and close eyes, from him... It gonna start from him, i need explanation

*****

I knock on his door and hear voice from inside "who is it?"

"courier, i brought your order"

"But i didn't..." He opens the door and i immediately kick his stomach, seeing scared expression pleases me and holding the collar i start punching him with my whole strength, good it feels so good

"You fucker, how could you do this to me?"

"I'm sorry please... He forced me" he murmurs and fells down, not enough yet, i keep hitting his face until he coughs the blood out and finally stop moving back. My fit still trembles and i try to catch the breath

"For trash like you i won't go to the jail"

"I can't understand, what is this all fuss about?" I hear and gasp looking at his face, which suddenly totally changes and i'm taken aback, the nice coworker i truly liked cause of his sweet, friendly personality is same as them now, the same mocking expression, same disgusting grin "why are you so upset?"

"Fake, you're always fake"

"Didn't you just get fucked?" He laughs loudly and i tighten the teeth, hardly holding myself from killing him "having this fat ass, isn't it supposed to get dick?"

"Shut the hell up" i reach him again and hiss "tell me everything, tell me why you did it"

"You're living in such a pure world Zhan... by yourself. It isn't like you're the first one and won't be last too, you have no damn idea how people like them are living and having fun. Their life it's something everyone envies"

"How can you say that"

"Until get taste yourself, you won't understand. Easy money... Is the most wonderful thing in the world. I only need to let them use me and look at my flat" i just notice too many expensive things around, too tasteless but fancy

"yes i see, You don't live like mere intern at all"

"That kind of parties happens once in month and every time he wants new flesh, guess you know for what. Yibo doesn't care do you agree or not, he just pays, quite handsomely"

"And you just sold me"

"I'm not willing to lost this job, friend or stranger it doesn't matter. but i can give you kind advice,  Zhan do you even have a mirror? Look at yourself, body and face like this, why won't you just use it? I know you call it curse cause you got fired exactly for that, being faved from every boss"

"No matter how hard i work, everyone around still thinks i get priorities thanks to my looks"

"cause you let them, cause you think so too.  only thing you need to learn is... How to change it from curse to bless"

"I'm not shitty like you"

"No one is born like this, we all carry dark side inside, it depends on life events and our last choice, but once it's awaken... coming back becomes almost impossible.  You want revenge no? But without becoming like them, you can never get it"

"I'll never get dirt on myself"

"We'll see Zhan" he yelps from pain, trying to get up and even the thought he breaths the same air makes me sick

"So you're going to send someone to him again? Next month"

"Sure, anyone he wants. But..." he fakes smile with that bloody, dirty mouth of his "you forgive me no? You understand"

"think I do, you just want to live well"  sure friend, there is nothing wrong about selling human beings, but such a pity, Wang Yibo isn't going to get his next prey from you, no matter what it takes, i'll make it happen. Reached the door his voice stops me

"He won't bother you, it never happens"

"See you later, at the company. Wish your bruises heals soon" 

walking through the corridor my legs shakes and palms sweats, leaning at the wall i deeply breath in, you can't be weak, it isn't time for this Zhan...

Hope I wrote well about Zhan's feelings, being victim of rape, it doesn't matter man or woman, it leaves deep mental scar.

Next chapter gonna be Yibo's POV 🙂