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They Say the First Time is the Hardest

Song: Nothing Else Matters- Marlisa

My dad just starts talking about the first time. I guess he thought if he shared that it might somehow help me. "It gets easier in time. My first time I was with my dad; he had this assignment and I didn't know the guy. Hell I held the gun and looked through the scope just like he always taught me, except it was always while we were hunting...never at a real human being. I stood there...looking at the guy and my dad kept going on and on about just pull the trigger it's nothing to it. I thought if I didn't follow through that he wouldn't see me as a man but see me as some punk ass kid, so I did it. I pulled the fucking trigger and I can still hear the sound of the bullet. Afterwards he took me out like I was one of the guys like him. The first time was hard...but as the years went on it just became easier and easier."

Atticus jumps in, "Yeah...it is hard...your first time taking a life. I have never really talked about my first time but maybe I guess I could. You see I was bullied back in school so bad that I was just about to kill myself when Zane stopped me. Your grandfather, God rest his soul...he took me in. He trained me to be the best cleaner out there, well besides him and if course Scarlett."

He stops to look over at my mom but she just looks down as if she might be thinking about her dad."Anyway...he took me in. One night I was out with Sara...she was my first true love. She had this brother that was a fucking jerk and anyway they beat the shit out of me one night. A few nights later I found him with two of his friends and beat the shit out of them. Killed all three. Zane helped me get rid of the bodies. Honestly at that moment I was so pissed off that it really didn't bother me. And each other person I took it just got a little easier. The hardest kills are the ones that you actually have feelings for but even then you find a way to cope and get over it. In time you will soon forget all about this too, Violet."

"I just don't see how it will ever get easier...besides I never plan on ever doing that again. I mean I don't want to ever do that again but I have this really bad feeling that this is just who I am. I am like you. I was brought up in this family thinking that death is just death, nothing more but actually killing him..."

"They are right Violet...it will get easier in time. I watched monsters come into my childhood home and take away the dearest things that meant to me." She stops and looks over at my dad.

He looks back at her and there is something there that they are not telling me. I see it in the way that they look at each other.  She continues, "Zane found me but I knew he was coming for me because my mother told me that he would. She told me to trust him and I did. So when he brought me out of the closet he ordered me to help him clean and I did. When I was done I found him in the upstairs bathroom with my mother." She pauses for a moment as if remembering back to that time. "He was kissing her and at first I thought she was still alive but then I realized she was dead. I wanted to stay longer but Atticus grabbed me and took me away from what was happening." She stops to look over at Atticus.

"I was doing as I was told," he replies back to my mom.

"I know...that is what we all did, right. Do as we were told. He was a harsh man, knew how to discipline. You knew not to cross him or suffer the consequences. I cleaned dead bodies for years with his help of course and Atticus. I was twenty-one and started to get more defiant. I wanted to do things on my own for once and not have Atticus following my every move. Zane allowed me to go to a club of course Atticus was there. Anyway there was a guy and he made a pass at me one thing led to another and we are in the alley way. He was forcing some drug down my throat and I knew it was bad. I could have killed him there but I didn't. I did kick his ass before Atticus here comes out. Next thing I know we are in the car and the guy is in the trunk. I knew what they were going to do to him but I kept pushing my limits with him and I finally pissed him off just enough."

I watch as Atticus and my dad look at her. I think the only one that knows this memory is Atticus.

"We went into this building and they started to torture the guy. Then Zane looks at me and hands me the scalpel. He tells me to be a big girl and gut him out. I knew to do what I was told, no one ever crossed him. So I did it. I held it up and started from his chest and made my way all the way down. Then I reached into his shaking body...he was still looking at me, screaming for me to stop. But it was too late. Zane saw through his chest and then ordered me to take out his beating heart. I did...as his body stopped jerking, I took out his heart and then the other organs. I did what he asked me to and honestly none of it even bothered me one bit. I think after seeing my parents die, I just lost a part of me."

"You never told me exactly what happened to him that night...I can't believe he made you do that." My dad reaches over and grabs hold of her hand.

"You didn't need to know. Hell it's not like we were even together at the time." She looks over at Atticus but he never says a word. "The point is we have all killed in our life and it has only made us stronger. You will see in time that this is just the first. We don't expect you to follow in our path but if it ever happens again it won't hurt as bad."

I wonder if actually we all have killed someone or not at this table as I look around. I have seen Ashton clean but not really kill anyone. So I turn to him and ask, "Ashton have you ever done it? How did you get into this family."

He clears his throat, "Well...it's been so long ago. Let's see...I was like twenty-three or so when I met Zane. I was working at this club and the owner and I got into a confrontation. I was fired because I had over stepped my boundaries. Anyway he asked if I needed a job of course that meant that I wouldn't be allowed to get stoned anymore and drinking would be on his terms not mine. It took him months to break me in but once I was, I was good to go. If it wasn't for him I'm sure I would be dead by now. To answer your question though...yes I have killed a few times in my life. The first time was before I even met Zane. I was drunk and hit a man as he was crossing the street. I stopped and backed up to see about the guy but then I just took off. I never looked back."

"So Grandfather found you all in the right time uh...what about you Marcus. I mean I know you train everyone but did he find you the same way?"

"Actually Vi...no. You see your Grandfather and I grew up together. We were in high school together; we were really good friends. Now your great-grandfather he was a piece of work. He was always so hard on Zane." He looks around the table. "You all think you had it rough...no Zane, he had it rough in life. All he ever wanted to do was escape that hell house. He left for a while and I went into doing what I knew best. I went off to the Marines and focused on fighting in the ring. I would have stayed in but I got shot and was forced to get out. When I moved back home, we bumped into each other. He asked if I would be willing to move in with him, of course I said yes. In return he wanted me to teach him new skills and kick his ass for the hell of it. So I did, then Ashton came along. When Addison came along, I thought he was done with his business but he only got into it more."

"You have never talked about my mother," my mom says softly towards him.

"Yeah...well...Zane never wanted me to talk about her. I'm sorry Scarlett. Your mother meant a lot to him. The night he brought you home I was shocked as hell. Training Ashton and Atticus was one thing but you...I never wanted to hurt you." He looks up at her and then back over at me. "And yes I killed several people when I was in Desert Storm. I don't regret any of it because it was my job. Just like this...this is my job. However I was really never on scene because...well because I had no reason to be."

"You never went on any of his assignments?" I ask him with a curious look.

"A few, only when he requested for me but it wasn't that often."

"I wish I could have met him." I look around the table and everyone is just so quite as if they are all thinking about a time with him. They rarely ever talk about him. It feels so awkward at this very moment and so I feel the need to change the subject. "Ok...so what do I tell his family...they will come looking for him you know?"

"We already have that taken care of. You see, you two got in an argument; you flew home while he flew to Paris as you guys had planned. He already had the plane tickets. We had someone dress as him, get on the plane and stay for a few days. However Gabe is not coming back from his vacation due to the fact that you two are separated and he is moving on with his life. You have no clue whatever happens to him because you are out of his life for good."

"But they will come to the apartment...they will ask questions?"

"Yes they will in time but you will tell them nothing. Tell them after the accident with your leg you two talked and thought best to leave each other and go your separate ways. You know nothing more."

Then my dad adds, "And you can stay here as long as you need to...to recover fully. We called the doctor to come take off the cast and to replace it. We will need to get rid of it due to blood stains all over it. It will trace back to Gabe. The apartment is completely taken care of no one will ever find a thing."

We all go silent and look at each other, this is our secret.

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