TW: implied suicidal thoughts

also, frequent use of the word 'no' :D  

A/n Listen to the song

No. No. No.

It wasn't real. It wasn't there. He knew, it was not true. It was just in his head. It made him so angry, but it wasn't there. Not true. Not true.... 

 But he couldn't stop the rage when it started, trying not to fall apart. He tried to escape it, but there was no way out. He knew what was going to happen if he let it take control, and he tried to fight it. But he knew, at some point, he would give in. He couldn't hold on forever. 

What was happening to him?

He had no answer. He knew, he should tell the others, but it felt so wrong. He felt so weak. Very underneath the noises in the real world, there were a million little voices in his head, saying: you'll never make it. Give in. 

And he wanted. He wanted it so bad. He was a mess. He got lost in his thoughts. He told himself the truth, the others would care, but some part of him wondered if that was true. 

It felt like he couldn't breathe. He was underwater, slowly drowning. Building the anger up until it all went dark. 

He stared at the ground. The others were talking, laughing. They were eating dinner, and all looked so happy. He tried to fake the smiles, but he knew it looked wrong. So he just looked down and hoped, that the others would ignore him. And they did. 

Grief clawed its way out, screaming in his head.  He wasn't strong. He wasn't brave. He wasn't enough. He wasn't who they thought he was. He never had been.  He was to blame for everything. Always been.  He was nothing. He extended his claws when danger threatened, but he never managed to protect everyone. He increasingly saw that everyone was right. 

In the end, they didn't care about him. And he liked that. 

Time passed by. The others still sat there, but sometimes he felt their stares. 

He gritted his teeth. Maybe he should give in. But then, there was Annabeth's voice, painted on his thoughts. Her face, hidden in his memories. 

But...

She wouldn't care if you were gone...

Would she? 

No. 

Nobody would.

Even when he closed his eyes, he could see their stares in his thoughts. He couldn't read their expressions. Were they angry? Annoyed? Did they hate him? 

Were they his friends?

Was he their friend? 

He didn't know. It was all blurred, he couldn't think. He could feel the anger. The hatred. He could feel it boiling inside him. He looked at the knives on the table. Maybe.... if it would stop the pain....

He was  broken. 

He was lost inside himself. 

He was stuck in the anger, in the fear. 

 He wanted to scream, but he suppressed it. He wanted to cry, but he didn't allow it. He felt unshed tears stinging his eyes, but he did his best not to show it. He tried to just look normal and hoped the others would just overlook him.

 But somehow they didn't. He thought they didn't care about him? Why were they looking? He looked up and saw Annabeth staring at him. What did she feel? Was she disgusted with him? Did she want him to disappear? Was she amused by him? Was she angry that she had gotten such a strange boyfriend? 

Or was it just him with the boiling feelings that wouldn't leave him alone? Did the others feel completely different than he thought? But what did they feel then?

Anger, anger, anger. So. Much. Of. It.

Make it stop, he begged. He didn't know who he was asking, but he asked anway. Nobody could hear his silent screams. 

NO!

MakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopMAKEITSTOP-

He couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. In a few minutes, it would happen again. He would lose control, he knew it. He needed to get out of this room, he needed to be alone. 

His thoughts were repeating itself. 

Repeated and repeated and repeated. 

Save me. 

He pushed the anger away. 

Tried to. 

But he didn't have time left. 

He needed to get out. Now. 

He looked up, in panic. 

No escape....

No. No. No. Nononono-

"Percy?" Her voice in his ears. He looked at her, but it was like trying to look through a dark veil in front of his eyes. 

One breath after another. 

Rushing in his ears.

"Percy, are you okay?"

Tell the truth, a tiny voice in his head said. A million other voices, screaming in agony No!

Hesitate. "Yes."

"Percy, you can tell us everything."

No. No I can't. Not this. Too much. 

He looked down, knowing all the others were staring at him. 

"I'm fine."

Lies. Lies. Lies. He felt tears stinging in his eyes. He felt the anger grow in his gut. 

Help me. 

So much anger, boiling up inside of him. He had two minutes, maybe three. Not enough time. Not. Enough.

He stared down, breathing faster. 

"Seaweed Brain, tell us what is wrong. We see you're not okay."

NOT ENOUGH!

"Percy, stop being a coward and tell us!"

Anger in his gut, anger in his head. All he had was rage.

The chair fell backwards with a bang as Percy jumped up. The others recoiled. His voice was deep and rough, almost a growl, as he whispered, "Sometimes, it's better to be a coward than to be a monster."

And he broke. He could feel something inside him shattering. He felt a cold wetness on his cheeks and realized he was crying. He saw the faces of the others, shocked, scared. 

And before they could make a sound, he was out the door. 

Breathe, Percy. BREATHE! 

Tears streamed down his cheeks. And as he ran down the dark street, he let the anger take control.

~967 words

Dang it I thought it was more

U know what I am publishing this rn

Without reading it again

:/