Posted: July 2017 | Edited: February 6th, 2020

| . . . C H A P T E R . . . . 3 . 10 . 5 - B E F O R E - T H E - P A S T . . . |

I pulled the car up to the valet entrance and one of the guys opened the car door. "Thank you," I said and quickly stepped out, letting him deal with the parking. I had to get inside before the calendar launch would start.

So, what happened was I had a last minute epiphany. Khushi was right. It was wrong to stay hidden in the corners of the huge house when I could be out there doing so much more. Before Shyam, before Aarav, I was doing something meaningful with my life. I loved being a designer. It's why Arnav and I had sold the old properties that our parents had left for us and with that money, started an idea with AR Fashion House once I had my degree. He was the brains. I was the creativity. A small idea had grown into so much that we now had more wealth than we needed. If I had kept going, we could've had multiple branches around the country.

It was selfish of me to give up on my dream and let Arnav handle all that responsibility all because he hoped that one day, I would still want to get back to it.

Today, it was that time.

I had watched Arnav and Khushi grow with each other. I had watched my brother be there for Khushi while she blossomed into this confident person who keeps the guts to fight with her fears. I needed to do the same. If not for myself, then for Aarav. I can't have him grow up and then learn that because of everything that had happened, I had stopped living my dreams.

How would he feel then?

One day, he was going to learn that I was his real mother. I did not want him to blame himself for my actions. I had given birth to him, but till now, Arnav and Lavanya were his parents. They raised him. I just was around.

Now, I needed to start being his mother too.

I had taken the easy route by letting my brother handle everything till the point that he even took it on himself to declare to the world that Aarav was his son so he could protect me from the backlash of our narrow-minded society. I needed to not hide anymore. I wanted to be able to proudly say that Aarav is my son, and for Aarav to be proud to be my son when he grows up.

I was looking around for Arnav and Khushi, but I couldn't find them anywhere in the front. "Anjali?" I turned around at the voice and felt some relief on coming across a familiar face.

We walked towards each other as I spoke, "Aman, hi. Do you know where Arnav is?"

He was looking at my outfit, and I felt a little out of balance. He'd always been kind towards me when we did work together at AR before I stopped going in. Somewhere, I had a crush on him. But, knowing the reality of my life, I never let it get anywhere. He blinked, as if recalling the question I had asked. "Yeah. Uh, he and Khushi just went backstage. What...? I didn't know you were coming to the launch."

I smiled politely as he started to walk me towards the backstage entrance. "It was a last-minute decision." He opened the doors to let me through first and I added a small, "Thank you," as I walked past him.

He nodded towards where Arnav and Khushi were. "It was nice to see you again. You should really come by the office sometimes." He said just before I would leave.

His words made me wonder if maybe he liked me too. We hadn't talked in months. Well, actually, that would be years. I had just briefly seen him before leaving for Rome during the calendar shoot. Similarly, I might see him on occasions but we never talked. I'd usually see him from a distance and stick by Arnav. He had definitely given me a look over upon seeing me. Now that I think about it... maybe he never approached me because he was scared of Arnav?

I shake my head, reminding myself that I was here with a mission. I had things to accomplish right now. Just because a guy hadn't been in my life in years, I couldn't jump and act all gushy at the first one that happened to come by.

With a quick wave, I walked off to let Arnav and Khushi know I was here and that I wanted to make an announcement as well.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I asked for the microphone after the curtain over the huge print out of the calendar's front cover was pulled down. Arnav handed it over. "Good evening, everyone. I know the focus for tonight is the calendar, but I also thought it was the perfect occasion to make an announcement as well. Many of you know I took a hiatus from designing for personal reasons. It was recently that someone reminded me why I started designing in the first place. I don't want to give any big speech, but I've decided its time I get back to doing what I loved at one point."

The sounds of camera shutters of others cheering didn't matter as Arnav embraced me tightly. I knew he would be thrilled at the news. In the starting, he would try to get me to come to office by making excuses. At first, I used to go just to humor him that I was buying his excuses. Then, I couldn't push through and I wouldn't go to the meetings or events. Arnav would simply fill me in on the overall decisions once he would come home.

Just as I was stepping down from the stage to let the launch events proceed after the announcement, I caught a glimpse of Aman. He had the biggest sparkle in his eyes I had ever seen. Arnav always told me that our oldest employees missed having me around. Until now, I didn't realize how truthfully he was telling me that. I used to say they were just being kind. But this... the look of Aman's face, it was more than that of kind. He wasn't happy just on a professional front. He was genuinely happy with my decision.

After the end of the launch and everyone started to mingle, a lot of my old acquaintances from different fashion houses that I used to stay in touch with came up to me, welcoming me back and how they were excited to see what line I come up with. Many even asked, but I had no answer for them. So far, I had just decided to be back. I hadn't thought past that. It was overwhelming to see how many of them looked truly happy with my decision. Some even went on to claim that alas fashion industry will have its charm back. I wouldn't go so far to say that... but they insisted they hadn't seen anything creatively ingenious in some time.

Sadly, it only added the pressure on me. It didn't make me feel good as they probably assumed it would.

As people made their way to the dance floor, I decided to take a break from socializing and sat with Aarav and Angel. Arnav and Lavanya soon joined us just as Jennifer came to take Angel back with her to their hotel as it was getting late and I could understand. Angel was still a kid. She had to be tired from the long flight from Australia.

Aarav shook my knee to get my attention when I had just been looking around the place, "Di, mom's saying you're going back to work. Does that mean we won't get to play together anymore?"

I gave him a wide smile at the frown on his face and assured him, "No baby, not at all. No one hijacks our play time."

He brightened up at hearing I'd still play with him, "Promise?"

I shook his tiny hand, "Promise." I pulled his cheek and gave him a kiss. I can't believe he is 6 years old already. Time flies by so fast.

I looked up when I heard a throat being cleared. My back straightened out seeing Aman standing in front of my chair. "So, now that you are officially back, how about we celebrate that with a dance, boss?"

Boss? I had to smile at his attempt. He was trying to make this either professional or casual so I wouldn't read into it. I placed my hand in his palm, "Sure."

His whole stance seemed to have relaxed at that. Did he really think I was going to say no? He should know... I have never been that rude of a person...

I left my purse in Aarav's lap and just before I'd glimpse back to Aman, I saw the kid pulling the buckle of the purse to look through what all I had in my purse. I had to chuckle, making a mental note to teach him never to go through a female's purse. But, years later. For now, he could do whatever he wanted.

Aman snapped his fingers and I realized we were somewhere towards the center of the dance floor. "Still with me?" He teased, for I looked to be miles away in my thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry." I quickly replied, putting my hand on his shoulder for the basic stance. As we stepped to the right, I pointed out. "By the way, Arnav is your boss. Not me."

"He was, but now that you're back..." he started to counter, "I mean, AR is still named after you: Anjali Raizada."

I did what I'd have never anticipated I'd do anytime in the coming future. I shifted slightly closer to him speaking while looking past his shoulder. "Aman. I'm not your boss."

In a few seconds, his demeanor changed as he relaxed. The tension in his muscles faded. His hand on my side wasn't as stiff. With a soft smile, I leaned back to look at his face. He seemed to get my message, and he stopped being formal.

"I'm glad you're back... just so you know." He inserted somewhere in the middle of the song.

"Yeah... I've been getting that a lot tonight." I admitted my fears by passing it off in an undertone of a chuckle. "Everyone's been saying how much they look forward to the next line. But I don't even know..."

He interrupted before I could even finish my line of thought, "You'll think of something. You always did."

I smiled, recalling the few times in the initial days of AR when we worked together. "I hope."

He went on to assure and calm my nerves, "A lot of people believe in you, Anjali."

"Yourself included?" I questioned in a teasing tone, catching on that he was still not explicitly saying it.

He surprised me with a smirk, "Yes. Myself included. If I didn't, I wouldn't have continued to work at AR even after you stopped coming in. I mean, you have to know. Your little brother can be quite grumpy and cold hearted."

My jaw dropped as I hit his shoulder for picking at my brother. He couldn't just say things about him in front of me! He had to know I would defend him.

He laughed at my reaction, "I'm kidding. About Arnav, I mean. Not the other things. You're different, you know? Making money never meant anything to you. You are just passionate and interested in inspiring people."

It was cute to see him fumbling about to clarify though he didn't have to. I knew he was only joking about Arnav's grumpy nature and that he was serious about how he wouldn't have continued to work at AR if he didn't believe in me.

"Thank you," I expressed, truly meaning it. I always knew my family consisting of Arnav, Lavanya, and Kripa and lately Khushi as well believed in me. It was a welcoming change to see there were others outside of my immediate contact that too believed in me despite me being inactive from the industry in quite many years.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I half ran back to the kitchen embarrassed. I had pretty much walked in on my little brother about to kiss Khushi. It's not something a sister needs to see, trust me. Besides, it somewhere made me conscious more than them. It made me think back to Aman. The way he had briefly placed his lips on my knuckles at the end of the dance the other day at the launch. I hadn't been to the office since it was the weekend. Thus, I hadn't seen him since.

But the look in his eyes has somewhere been a promise that made my heart flutter. I was going to see him soon, and whatever reservations he might have had, I had ended them by insisting I wasn't his boss. It had encouraged him.

Khushi walked into the kitchen about ten minutes later in a changed outfit as they had been in the pool when I had went to call them for dinner but had caught them awfully close to each other. She started, "Di, listen..." the same time I went to apologize, "Khushi, I'm really sorry about..."

We stopped at once, and chuckled. It was silly to be feeling this way, right? So what if they were going to kiss? I knew they loved each other. They were engaged. She had a right to move on from her past. In fact, it was a good thing that she and Arnav were moving on to a better relationship than the malice one they shared after their fall out in college a couple years ago.

After we all had dinner, Khushi and Lavanya were with me in the kitchen, helping me clean up the dishes. Khushi asked, "Di, have you thought what you're going to do? With the new line I mean."

I sighed, handing her a scrubbed plate. "No, I have no idea where to start."

Lavanya suggested, "Start by thinking about things that inspire you. How did you come up with ideas before?"

I stopped scrubbing as I thought and answered, "Just normal things, really. The little things in life that you see in any middle-class family. I used to notice how they needed their clothes to be comfortable and loose. Stuff like that inspired me to create designs that'd suit their needs."

Aarav walked into the kitchen, pulling at Lavanya's leg to insist she place him on the counter. "What are you ladies gossiping about?"

Khushi narrowed her eyes, "We're not gossiping. Did your dad send you to spy on us?"

"Yup," he was quick to offer up the answer. For some reason, he loved spilling Arnav's secrets. Especially to Khushi.

Khushi informed, "Well you can tell him we're not gossiping but actually discussing a serious matter. We're trying to help di out with a problem."

He turned to me, "Problem? Di, who's giving you a problem? Tell me. I'll get them in line."

I laughed. He is so much like Arnav. He tried to follow everything Arnav did. Even now, this response would've been expected from Arnav: trying to be protective about me. And that's when it clicked. Lavanya's question. What inspired me lately? Aarav. He made me happy. Kids. After becoming a mother myself, they had become my center point. I wasn't just thinking as a female anymore. I was thinking as a mother, always trying to find the best thing for Aarav to work around his allergies, make sure the fabrics won't irritate his skin, make sure the outfits would give him breathing space, etc.

I walked over to him and demand, "Give me a hug." I couldn't hug him back as my hands were soapy, but I did put my arm around him when he quickly obliged. "You just solved my problem, my dear."

He pulled back, "How? I just hugged you. You didn't even tell me your problem."

I poked his nose and some bubbles from the soap glued there. I smiled at the adorable face he pulled, rubbing at his nose. "You solve all my problems with a hug."

He gushed, throwing his arms out asking me to bring it in. "Aww, then here. I'll give you another tight huggie."

Laughing, I leaned down to get another hug. After parting, I asked. "Say, did you like all those people walking on that ramp when we went to the launch? Lavanya made you wear that tiny suit, remember?"

He nodded, "Yes! There were so many people to watch them walk. And cameras! I liked the flashes. So bright."

"Then how would you like to model for my next line?"

He knit his brows together, "You mean walk on that stage?" When I nodded, he asked another question. "There'll be cameras? People will come to see me like they came to see Khushi?" When I nodded again, he exclaimed a big 'yes'.

Lavanya asked with uncertainty, "Di, you sure?"

I nodded with a smile, quite certain this what taking a step in the right direction. People knew Anjali Raizada, the infamous designer. Now, people will know Anjali Raizada, a mother.

I won't hide Aarav.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

The next day, Arnav and Khushi left for Shimla to visit Khushi's parents and spend Diwali holidays with them. I had insisted they go. They needed a break from work and anyways, with me getting back to work, it was the perfect time for them to have a mini vacation.

After getting ready, I had the driver take me to AR.

I pushed the main doors open and entered. A few turned to see who was coming in so early on a Monday morning when the office had just opened for the day. I recognized some of the older employees, and they stopped working to say a quick 'welcome' to me. The new ones simply stood up from their cubicles and give me a nervous smile. I guess they are intimidated on seeing me in the office.

"Ma'am, welcome back. My name is Payal. I'm one of the new interns. It's a pleasant surprise and an honor to finally meet you." Payal came to greet me, the only new employee who wasn't nervous. I quickly recalled Khushi telling me about her.

"Thanks, Payal, I've heard a lot about you." I told her, and her eyes widened in shock but I smiled at her to convey it had all been good things.

An older employee, Rita, greeted me. "Anjali Ma'am, what a surprise! If we'd known you were coming in today, we'd have gotten your office a bit tidied up."

"Oh, that's fine, Rita." I told her, "I'll make myself comfortable in Arnav's office meanwhile."

She informed, a crease on her forehead, "Actually his office is locked. We don't have the keys."

I close my eyes. That's what I was forgetting! Arnav had reminded me to take his set of master keys with me if I went to the office. "Okay, that's fine. Can you have someone clean my office then? I'll be in the catalogue room."

"Right away," She snapped at one of the employees to get started on that while asking, "Were you looking for something particular? I can just get you the album of all the samples we have in there." I narrowed my eyes at her wondering why she was trying to get me to not go there. She fessed up, "Actually, it's locked too."

I was starting to get quickly irritated, "Does no one have a spare set of keys here? How does this place function?!"

Payal cleared her throat when Rita stepped back in fear. I sighed, controlling my anger. It was my first day back and I was already turning out to be a bitchy boss. "Aman does have a spare key. I'll go get it."

I stopped Payal, "Let it be. I'll go myself."

Hopefully, seeing Aman would put me back in a good mood. She opened his mouth, "His office is on..."

I waved my hand in air to silence her, "I know where his office is. Thank you, Payal. Everyone, please, go back to work. If I need anything, I'll ask for it."

Everyone rushed away back to their cubicles. I focused on the clicks of my heels as I walked away from there and around the corner to the back side of the building floor where Aman had his office. He liked to have peace and quiet when he worked, so his office was away from the center bunch of cubicles where most of the work took place.

His office door was open as I neared it. I stuck my head in. He was muttering something under his breath, his back to me, as he went through a pile of files before walking to the drawers behind him to search through those sets.

I knocked on his door and without even turning around, he ordered in an irritated tone. "Leave the coffee on the table, Javed. And get me the research files we have on Irani House."

I bit back a smile as I spoke up, leaning against the door frame. "Sorry to disappoint you," He turned in a snap at my voice, "But I'm not Javed and I don't have your coffee or any knowledge on Irani House."

The crinkles on his forehead faded, "Anjali. Hi. Sorry, I thought you were..."

"Javed." I finished, and his face flushed. I asked, "Safe to come in?"

"Ofcourse. Yeah." He waved me in, walking around his desk. "Sorry, again. I guess I'm going to have to get used to seeing you here."

"That'd be preferable, yes." I answered, and then nodded towards all the stacks of files. "Looking for something?"

"Yes, but don't worry. I got it. Anything I can do for you?"

Holding the back of the chair, I nodded. "Yes, actually. Arnav had reminded me but I forgot to bring his keys. Will you be kind enough to let me in the catalogue room? I had this idea last night and I just have to get started on it."

He grinned, finding my enthusiasm to be a source of entertainment. He walked back around his desk to retrieve a set of keys from the left drawer. "Come, I'll walk you there. A lot of things have changed so I'll give you a quick overview too."

I sighed in relief, "I owe you one, Aman."

He grimaced as we walked out of his office, "Don't be formal, Anjali."

I nudged my shoulder to his, "Fine. My hero. Is that a better response?"

His head turned sideways at my little action and words. His frown turned upside in a smile as he approved. "Much better."

I wasn't sure if we were flirting. Were we? It's been a while for me.

As we took the elevators down two floors, he questioned. "Are you sure you want to get started now? I mean it is Diwali. More than half the staff will be gone today by lunch time and no one will be back till next week."

"Yeah, I'll be fine working on my own. Besides, Arnav isn't here for the holidays anyway. I'd have gotten bored by myself. Better to do something productive."

The doors of the elevator opened and we walked in. He unlocked the room, asking. "Wait, seriously? You two always spend the holidays together."

I pointed out, "Yeah, but I thought he should take some time off with his fiancé."

"Ah. Right. I almost forget about that. It's a wonder how none of us still know who she is."

I chuckled, "You're not getting a peep out of me, Aman."

He mumbled, "Worth a try."

He went on to explain how the different samples were divided in a system, and once I understood the system, it was easier to find things. I realized how lost I would have been had he just handed me the keys and left me to figure it out by myself.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

It must have been three hours later when he returned to pull me out of my zone, "Alright, Ms. Designer. Enough for your first day. All the employees are gone. Go home before you get locked up in here."

I checked my wrist watch, "Already?" but read the time. It was close to 12:30. Everyone was going to leave at noon. The two of us were probably the last people here. "Oh. Well do you mind if I take some samples home with me?"

He arched a brow. "You own the place, remember?"

Right. I felt like slapping myself. How stupid? Why was I asking him for permission?

I picked out the few I wanted to take with me and returned the rest on the rods. He offered, "Here, I got them." And I let him carry out the pieces for me.

"Keys?" I asked after turning off the lights and that's when I realized just how many samples I had piled on him to carry. He couldn't shift them to one hand to pull out the keys and lock this even if he tried. With a quick gulp, I asked. "May I?"

He glanced at me, realized what I was suggesting, and informed. "Right pocket." I walked around to his right and gingerly slid my hand in the pockets of his black work pants. I hope he didn't notice my shaking hands, but it might be my wishful thinking. With my index finger and thumb, I pulled the set of keys out and without glancing at him, least I give away how nervous I felt, I turned away to lock up the room.

I absent mindedly played with the set of keys the whole elevator ride till we reached my car in the parking lot. He didn't say a word either, making it confusing for me. Just what do I take out of this? The driver opened up the back seat on seeing us approaching. Aman bent in and placed the pieces in.

"Uh, well, thanks." I said and started to walk towards the passenger seat since we had the dress samples laid out over the back seats.

"Anjali." He called my name.

Why did I like the way he said my name?

"Hmm?" I answered while turning my head back.

He nodded towards my hands, "Keys." My fingers stopped fiddling with them. I was still playing with them.

I mumbled, feeling heat rise up my back as I recalled reaching for them in his pockets. "Right." I forwarded my hand and he took them from my palm, his fingers grazing over my skin.

Not wanting to prolong my embarrassment, I turned again. Just as I reached for the door, he called my name again. "Anjali."

There was something that was causing my heart to beat rapidly as I wondered what he was going to say next. "Yeah?" I turned to him again.

He shifted from one foot to next in nervousness and I lifted my gaze to lock with his. "Well, if you don't want to spend Diwali alone, you can come to my place. I mean I usually celebrate with the kids in my building. It's not a big thing. It won't be what you're used to, but it's still..."

I smiled and interrupted his rambling, putting him out of his misery. "I'd love to."

I didn't care where the building he stayed at was. It didn't matter if it was a small event, or if the glamor of it didn't meet what I had gotten used to in the past few years as a Raizada. Just the thought that he was thinking of me not having to spend it by myself meant more to me.

He didn't know that I would have Lavanya and Aarav to spend it with since he didn't know of our connection... but I still found myself inclined to spend some part of it with him. I could spend the day with them and the evening with him. It would even give Lavanya some one on one time with Aarav. Sometimes, I felt guilty. She was doing so much for Aarav, but always had to share her time with him. I know she'd never complain, and she probably doesn't mind either. She's a pure soul at heart like that. Still...

He looked stumped just like he had when I had accepted his offer to dance at the launch. He must have expected me to deny again. "Oh. Okay, great. I'll... uh text you the address? Wait no. It might be harder to find. I can, I can pick you up."

I shook my head once again at his rambling. I had never known it could be adorable as well. "Text me the address. I'll find my way."

I had learned to navigate life after everything it had thrown my way. Finding his place couldn't be that difficult.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .