Posted: July 7th, 2017 | Edited: October 29th, 2019

| . . . C H A P T E R - 3 . 1 . 5 : S H A D O W S - O F - P A S T . . . |

Throughout the day, it had been hard for me to not look at Khushi. Yesterday, everything I was hiding from her had come out in the open. It had been a highly emotional night, and yet a huge burden had lifted my shoulders. As disturbing as the reality of our past and present had been, I felt that much closer to her. It was something else entirely to not have to hide such a major part of our past from her. When I had learned the same people who had hurt my sister were responsible for her undoing, I had felt a rush of conflicting emotions. But, most of all: guilt. If only I had made sure they wouldn't be able to hurt anyone other than Anjali, then none of this would have happened to Khushi.

But... I recalled the conversation I had with Anjali the night before, just after Khushi had learned about Shyam, Anjali and Aarav. Anjali had said after I had told her I blamed myself, "Think of it like this, Arnav. You got a chance to meet Khushi because of our past."

I had countered that I would have preferred to meet Khushi under different circumstances. But even I had been forced to acknowledge the idea. The situation under which we met may not be ideal, but what if we had never met? Yeah, I don't like that alternative. I don't think I could have loved anyone the way I love Khushi.

Despite all the darkness she faces, I still see a light in her that draws me towards her. For me, she is that one example that humans aren't perfect and they do make mistakes. And, she is one who after making them, when she does come to realize, she works to amend them. She doesn't let her pride stand in the way of doing the right thing – no matter how difficult it proves to be for her.

And today... after waking up and feeling as if we were given a clean slate to start over, all my inhibitions when around her disappeared. I wasn't holding back around her, physically or emotionally. The first few times while baking when I realized, I had panicked slightly thinking it wasn't the best idea to breach her personal space. But it had amazed me how well she handled it. Perhaps, what she had said earlier once was right. Her body may stiffen first at an unexpected closeness, but once given the time to get used to it, she is nothing short of a miracle.

Khushi snapped her fingers in front of my face, for I had once again dazed off admiring her. "So, can I have cake now?"

"You won't get mad at me?" I asked, recalling the decoration.

"Why would I?" She asked back.

I got up and walked in the kitchen to get it. After placing it on the dining table, I replied. "Because of this."

Khushi got on her feet to read what was written on the cake. It read 'Happy Birthday, sweet pea'. I tried to make it as legible as possible, but let's not get too critical here. I am no cake decorator. I don't claim to have good handwriting either.

She was just staring at it, making me nervous before turning to glance up in my direction. It was her birthday today, and she never explicitly told me it was today, but I had learnt during college times from Riddhima. I had never wished her, because then she'd want to know how I knew and back then, she wasn't aware that I knew Riddhima and Armaan from before.

This may as well be the first birthday of hers we were celebrating together.

She sighed, sitting back down, expressing the reason she didn't announce this day to others. "I don't like celebrating it."

I answered reaching for the knife, "Which is why we aren't. We can cut the cake though, can't we?"

There is a flaw in my argument. I know. Cutting the cake is still a form of celebrating. Hopefully, she won't focus too much on it.

Thankfully, reluctantly, she just nodded. "Okay."

She didn't like this at all though. Her birthday was an event she did not want to celebrate, and I couldn't understand why. I handed her a knife, but she didn't seem to have the courage to do it herself. Instead of taking it, she placed her hand on top of mines, and I got the hint. I smiled comfortingly at her, and cut it for her. Well, her hand was there, but it was essentially me cutting it.

Taking a piece, I fed her. "No matter what you think, sweet pea, everyone deserves to have their birthday celebrated."

She shook her head. "Not me."

"Why do you think that?" I genuinely could not think of one reason myself.

She leaned back against the table, inhaling deeply. Her initial silence made me think she didn't want to talk about it. But then she did. "As you know... Riddhima's birthday is roughly two months before mine. And years ago... it had happened on her birthday. It wasn't until a day before my birthday when I found out I was pregnant. Sure, I'd noticed I had missed my periods, but I had passed it off thinking it was because I hadn't been eating well due to everything that had happened and they were just late. So..." She paused for a second, looking away from me. "It was on my birthday the next day that I got the abortion."

Can this girl stop breaking my heart already?

I took the step towards her and reached for her hands. They were cold, perhaps from thinking back to her past and being nervous. I squeezed them gently, hoping she'd look at me and know she had nothing to be ashamed of, and that she could tell me anything about her or what she had done to survive and nothing would make me think any less of her.

Finally, she did glance up, and blinked rapidly to keep herself from crying. I could only imagine what she must be feeling. "Hey... you made the decision that was best for you in the time." I attempt to say what I think she might want to hear, for I have no idea... what does one really say at a time like this?

She chuckled, but it lacked humor. "But it's the decision I have to live with my whole life, Arnav."

** edit**

Fuck saying what I think she might want to hear. I'm going to say how I feel. Things she knows but isn't accepting. Things she needs to give herself credit for. "Okay, so? Punishing yourself like this, is it going to change anything? No, Khushi. What is done is done. Trust me, in the two years we weren't talking, I blamed myself so much. I went down a dark path, but did it accomplish anything? No. Nothing you have been through has been normal, Khushi... or easy. I'm not saying it doesn't suck or that you should forget about it. It might never be okay, but maybe in order to forgive yourself - not that I think you have anything to forgive yourself for, but if that's how you feel - then you can start by talking about it instead of keeping it to yourself and turning a blind eye. Punishing yourself by not celebrating your birthday because it's a reminder and staying in denial isn't healthy. I know its scary and daunting, but you'll always have me by your side... all of us." I moved my palm up to her elbow, and she nodded, sniffing. "Smile now. The tough times are over."

She did smile, allowing herself to believe me. And, I did mean it. I wasn't going to let a shadow of our past bring her down again. Four years had been long enough.

She pulled back. I let her. She swept up the frosting on her finger. "Since you can't eat it..." She trailed off, once again smearing it on my cheek before I could blink and catch on to what had happened.

"Not again, sweet pea." I grumbled.

She laughed at my expense, "Don't expect me to kiss it again."

Well, here's to hoping.

She started to turn to go get a bowl and eat a piece for herself, when I pulled her back. "Arnav!" She hissed when she crashed into me so suddenly that her forehead hit mine. She was rubbing it clueless just as I leaned in and rubbed my cheek against hers. She gasped, realizing what I'd done. "YOU!" She exclaimed.

I couldn't help the smirk. "I'm only playing fair, sweet pea."

She glared me down. "Oh, it's so on."

I didn't expect her to smear more frosting all over my face. When I squinted at her, debating whether to be amused or furious, she only shrugged. "You asked for it." She let it be known that she was simply extracting revenge.

"Who started it?" I pointed out.

"Hey, I was only trying to be nice! Since you can't eat it." Excuses. We both know she simply wanted to do it. There wasn't a 'nice' intention behind her actions.

"You don't play fair, you know that?" I said, deep down wishing I could just pull her to me and kiss her. Just looking straight into her eyes while standing this close was mesmerizing. It made me want to forget everything, all the reasons I had been holding back... the reasons why I have to hold back. We seemed to have been teasing each other the whole day. I had been around her for years and never really having anything physical. But lately, the hugs, the sly touches here and there, the teasing... she had to know what this would eventually end in... right?

She grinned, "I know, I play to win."

I snaked my hand behind her towards the table, to grab a piece, when she stopped me. "Nuh-uh. Don't even think about it." She warns pointing a finger at me, "I did not bake my first cake to have you destroy it like this and not even allow me a decent piece to eat."

I rolled my eyes, dropping the piece back on the plate. "You barely baked it. Might I remind you, I did like 90% of the work."

"And? It was you who wouldn't let me decorate. Your fault, not mine."

"The fault is in your game." I muttered, not really a fan of having to keep a decent distance between us.

"Sure," She said nonchalantly, not catching the meaning behind my words or what was going on in my head in this moment. "Now move. I'd like to have my desert you made me wait for the whole day."

As comfortable as I was having her so close to me, I reluctantly released my hold on her and she had the space she needed to step back.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

After we cleaned up the dishes and the mess we'd made on the floor, the two of us were back on the couch in front of the TV. Since we were watching a movie running on one of the channels, during the advertisements, Khushi must have seen me eyeing my phone.

I turned my head sideways towards Khushi when she touched my arm just for a brief second to get my attention. She nodded towards my phone, "Go on."

"No, I..." I attempted to politely refuse because of my word. I do recall what I had promised her in the morning, but I couldn't help being worried about di and Aarav. I had thought she would call sometime during the day, but she hadn't. Maybe she wanted to give us space without disturbing, but she was my sister. She was just as important to me.

She smiled gently not allowing me to finish that statement, "It's not work, Aarav. She's your sister. I understand that you're worried about her. Now that the day has passed, and we are just sitting here... I myself realize how short sighted I had been to not have thought of it earlier what she must be going through too."

I carefully draped one arm around the back of the couch, "You don't have to feel guilty, sweet pea. I wanted to spend the day with you."

She took a moment before nodding and I knew I was right. She hadn't said it in so many words but she felt guilty for putting all attention on herself and enjoying the day despite the heavy revelations from last night and she didn't need to. She shouldn't have to. Anyone in her position would find it tough to not let the emotions wrap themselves around them. It's not easy to look past one self. To focus on someone else's pain and ignore one's own. It's human nature. It wasn't her fault.

"And you did. A day that I don't think I'll ever be forgetting..." She replied and then inhaled deeply before continuing, "but now, we do need to face what is coming. So, call her and maybe you already know but I still think I should say this. Please never feel the need to hold yourself back from caring for her because you think I might need you more. Just like you say that I don't need to feel guilty, you shouldn't have to choose between us. You don't ever need to. I know what she means to you and I would never get in the way of that."

Oh, she had no idea what she herself means to me.

Glancing deeply into her enchanting brown eyes, I assured her, "you could never, sweet pea."

Even if I mistakenly made her feel that in the future, she could never get in the way of my relationship with my sister.

I love them both differently.

Her mouth opened but she stopped as if changing her mind. I, however, was curious to know what she was going to say. "What?" I encouraged her to speak her mind without hesitancies.

She pressed her lips together in a small smile and shook her head.

"Khushi..."

"Nothing, tell you later." She nudged me to stand up, "Go talk to di first."

I watched her carefully as I pointed a finger at her, "You'll tell me after though?"

She nodded. Only then did I get up to walk towards where my phone was.  Picking it up, I moved to the bedroom area - not because I needed privacy for there was nothing hidden from Khushi anymore, but because I figured I'll let her watch the movie without disturbance and give her some space as well. Since last night, I've constantly been by her side and I'm sure she would like a quiet moment for herself.

A lot has changed.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Even though it was a short twenty-minute conversation, by the time it ended, and I returned, Khushi had dozed off on the couch. It wasn't late in the night, but the emotional toll on her heart must have exhausted her into falling asleep. I had no heart of waking her up, but I also couldn't let her sleep on the couch the entire night. It would be very uncomfortable even if she is tiny and can fit on the couch. Quietly walking to her, I kneeled slightly in front of her.

Her words echoed in my brain. I love you, Arnav.

The words I had wanted to hear for a long time. The words I hadn't even thought she had realized. The words I should have said back.

When I had told her in Shimla the reality of our first meeting, when I had asked her how things between us could have been different, I had seen the questions in her eyes. The hesitancies. The confusion. As if she didn't herself know why. But the ease with which she had said them at a moment most unexpected.

I would never forget the first time she confessed her feelings nor the way it made me feel. For a second, my heart had skipped a beat. Life was offering me what I had always wanted to hear. The next second itself, I had pulled away. You can add that to the list of things I'll forever regret... because yet, life was cruel. On the other hand, that confession had come with a price. A price of finding out the names of the two guys who were her worst nightmares.

Even if everyone in the world tells me till my last breath that it wasn't my fault for not turning Shyam in to the authorities when he harassed Anjali because of the way justice system worked in this country, I would always blame myself for it because at the end of the day, the fact of the matter remained. It was that freedom that reinforced his behavior. Turned him unafraid to go on to hurting others. If I had punished him them itself...

But no matter, I won't hold back now. No way can I after learning that he's hurt them whom I care for the most in this world. He made the biggest mistake of his life by hurting my family and he will pay for that. There was no escape for him anymore.

For now, I swallowed harshly biting back the emotions that seemed to be choking me. If only I could tell her my feelings for her as well.

I lifted my hand to touch her face but hesitated just a breadth away. In her sleep, her guards were down. I knew that. Inhaling through my mouth, I let the back of my index finger caress her cheek ever so gently. Her skin, so soft. It should be forbidden for anyone to touch her. Soil her purity. Yet, I knew the reality and as much as my blood boiled at the thought, all I want to do is cherish her for life.

She must not be deep in sleep since her eyes fluttered open at the touch. As if that was the first thing her mind registered, I felt her stiffen. Then, when her eyes met mine and she seemed to realize it was me, she exhaled that breath and relaxed. This was another thing I hated. How she is never free of this torture. Even after years, that is her biggest enemy. Even if I may have managed to heal her heart, her trust in others and humanity, I couldn't erase this past of hers. I have been unable to help her with this fear.

Her feet touched the cold floor and I stood up, my hand dropping to my side. She whispered softly as if not wanting to break this silence between us but had to, "I should... go."

My heart dropped. Did she really want to return to her room? I knew the two of us couldn't just stay in our own world but did it have to end so soon? Couldn't we have this night too? I didn't want her to leave.

But, it wasn't my decision. It was her choice.

Without a word, I just pressed my lips together to convey I'd heard her. Stepping back, I waved my hand forward to give her space to stand up and then, walked her to the door.

She seemed to be taking my heart with her as she stepped out of the room and turned sideways to face me. I guess we were both making this awkward as we just looked at each other silently for a second.

I didn't want to say good night.

She cleared her throat before speaking, "Um, bye?"

Why did it sound more like a question? Did she not want to leave either? I really wished she would look at me so I could read her eyes. Why was it so hard to understand the female gender sometimes? Because see... if she didn't want to leave, she shouldn't have brought it up in the first place right? She could have just given me a second to say she should move towards the bed instead of sleeping on the couch.

"Hmm," like an idiot, that is all I managed to reply with.

Taking that as some sort of an answer, she nodded and turned to leave. That pushed me into an action of reaching for her hand. She turns around to face me again with questioning eyes. Even if I didn't want to say good night, the least I could do was actually say it properly. Why end a good day on an awkward note?

Leaning towards her, I press my lips to her fair cheek. The second I felt her soft skin, my heart jolted in it's cage. Yes, she has gotten used to me holding her hand but why do I keep forgetting to ask for permission when breaching her personal space like this? Surely, kissing her even if simply on the cheek was not okay. I had rushed off to the washroom in the morning right after and hence hadn't caught her reaction but after I had jumped into the shower, I had realized what I had done.

She was normal when I had come out of the bathroom so I hadn't brought it up to not make her awkward but now... her entire body was stiff as if she was even holding back her breath. "Good night," I whispered against her skin before pulling back, hoping I hadn't pushed her to the edge. That would be the worst way to end one of the near perfect days spent with her.

She was shifting in front of me from one foot to the other avoiding my gaze but she wasn't hyperventilating. That... was a good sign, right?

She mumbled the two words back before whirling around and starting to walk away.

With a sigh, I stepped back into the room and let the door close with a light click.

Why couldn't I just bring myself to say she could have stayed?

Shaking my head, disappointed in myself for being cowardly yet again, I took a step away from the door reaching for the buttons of my shirt to change. Just as I unbuttoned the top three, there was a knock on the door. Thinking it might be Lavanya or Anjali as di had mentioned in our phone call that she was in Lavanya's room hanging out with her and Aarav, I mindlessly walk back to answer the door.

I didn't really look up to check who it was as I said, "Come in," and turned my back towards the door to walk back inside.

Only, I stopped when I heard her voice, "See, was that so hard to say?"

I whirled back around with wide eyes to meet her smiling face. What was she doing back? Seconds ago, she was all out of sorts and she couldn't have left fast enough after I kissed her. And now, she was standing in front of me all in control of herself and a smile on her lips?

She took a step inside as she said, "I'm sorry I was being all awkward. Guess I didn't know if it would be okay to stay or not. I mean, last night I didn't mean to, you know? We'd just fallen asleep while talking."

I reminded her why she doesn't need to overthink on this, "You're my fiancé."

It's as if I said the right thing since her smiled again and took another step inside; this time, closed the door behind her. "Exactly. As I was walking away, I told myself the same thing. It shouldn't be awkward, right?"

"No," I agreed smiling back. She had no idea how happy she'd made me by coming back.

"Right," she said, "besides, we both know I haven't been sleeping well lately and I don't really want to wake up screaming or anything with Aarav in the room. It'll frighten him, you know? So better to..."

When I touched her arm, she trailed off. Her eyes traveled to the touch but mines remained on her as I pointed out, "Sweet pea, you don't have to give me any explanations."

Even without all of that, if she wanted to stay just because, she could. Not only did she have a right to share my bed, but I would have liked it too. What she doesn't know is that it's not just her. I too sleep much better with her there next to me. I have gotten habituated to her as well.

As if feeling silly of herself, her eyes glanced downwards with a nod and a... blush? Is that the first time that I have seen her blushing?

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

The last day of the shoot came sooner than I would have preferred. Here, in Rome, my relationship with Khushi had evolved substantially. Somewhere, I was afraid whether or not it would stay as such when we returned home to Mumbai. There, we would have to return to reality where the unknown danger of Vivek and Shyam loomed over our heads. Here, we were free of our past and we could just live in the present. No worries of an uncertain future.

I returned to my room that day in the evening to find it occupied. My gaze traveled from Anjali to Lavanya to Jennifer. Now... individually, I'd be down to hanging out with them. All three of them together? Yeah, no. I don't think so. That spells trouble. "What is this?" I warily entered the room further.

Jennifer stood up from the chair, walked to me, and taking my arm, pulled me to the bed. She stopped in front of me while forcing me to sit and Anjali and Lavanya were on either sides of her. All three ladies crossed their arms across their chest while speaking at the same time, "This is an intervention."

Yup, I was right to he wary. "Intervention?"

Anjali expanded in a stern tone - which is rare of her. Otherwise, she is always so soft spoken and polite. "Yes. Regarding what the hell you are doing with Khushi."

Lavanya corrected using much cruder language in comparison - but coming from her, it's not a surprise, "Or better yet, what the fuck you are not doing."

I tried to stand up, starting to feel intimidated and crowded with having them standing over me but I was shoved back by Jennifer. As I fell on the bed, the mattress bouncing under the motion, she ordered. "Uh-uh. Stay right there, mister." I sat properly - though with a frown to announce my disapproval - and then she continued, "Now... we have been observing you two the last few days... and we only have one question for you." She started off sweetly, but I know it was a façade. The storm was going to come, and it did as her tone suddenly switched to sharp and no-nonsense. "What the hell is the matter with you?!"

"Look, girls..." I tried to speak, but again, in vain. I was silenced as Lavanya picked up their train of thought.

She demanded, "Khushi told me that she told you she loves you. Remind me again, but wasn't that what you had always wanted to hear?!"

Anjali continued in a calmer tone in contrast - playing the good cop. "Chote... if you were worried about her hating you, then isn't that matter already sorted? I told you that night and so did she... you have nothing to blame yourself for. None of us could have known back then as to what would happen next."

The door of the bathroom clicked and the ladies parted the way slightly for me to look past them. Aarav. Just freaking great. They pulled him into this too?! How could they involve a child in this!

Seeing they had already started, he frowned, "Aw man! I told you all to not start without me!" He walked up and pulled himself up on the bed with his tiny fists clutching the sheets for help, standing up as well to match their height. My instant worry was that he would fall under the imbalance of the dipping mattress. I tried to help, but he pushed my hand away. "It's your fault." He accused without a shame over the fact that I am his father, turning to me after crossing his arms over his chest. "We waited so long and I ended up drinking too much water. You had to come just when I had to use the bathroom?"

"Uh... sorry?" I said, trying to not be amused by his temper. It would only irritate him further. I knew because it would irritate me if I was mad at someone and they were instead amused by it rather than feel apologetic.

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes and continued after squinting - mimicking his best expression of when I glare at just about everyone, "I thought I told you not to be rude to Khushi. I like her."

Those last three words. 'I like her'. Can we focus on that for a second? I mean, sure, I had the intuition that they would get along just fine based on what I have already observed about the two and what Khushi had told me of how she had first met Aarav during college years, but still. That verbal confirmation that he too feels the same way about her is everything.

"I'm not being rude, kiddo." I tried to explain to him, but how could I possibly expect him to understand? "Things are complicated and you're too young to understand, okay?"

"We're not young." Jennifer countered, pulling my attention towards them. "Seriously, what is going on in that head of yours?"

"Okay, that's enough." I got up, refusing to let them boss me about any more. Five minutes had been enough. "I might have needed this so-called intervention before when we were still home, but yeah, even I agree that things changed since we've been in Rome. You can rest assured... I'm not going to run from my feelings for her."

Aarav questioned with his big, brown almond shaped eyes filled with innocence, "So you'll tell her you love her?"

I sighed, picking him up in my arms. "She already knows that."

Lavanya put her hand on my shoulder. "Arnav, knowing it and saying it are two different things. We know you aren't the best at putting your feelings into words, but this once, I think you have to make an exception. Khushi isn't like the other girls you've been with. This is all too different for her. New. Probably even scary."

Jennifer put in her two cents, "Yeah, I can vouch for that. It couldn't be easy for her to put herself out there... to be completely vulnerable with you. Even if she knows you love her, she would feel much better hearing it. It makes a heck lot of a difference."

"You're not wrong." I accepted after listening to what they've been saying. A part of me did know that I needed to make this as simple for Khushi as I could, and the first step towards that life was to admit to Khushi that I feel the same, even if she already knew that.

Anjali smiled, "So you'll tell her then?"

"Only if you all stop forcing me to." I commented, a joke ofcourse. But they took it seriously and physically backed off holding up their hands in an added sign.

Yes... I do want to say it. Just... I want to say it properly. The way these four had ganged up on me, it made me feel rushed... and that was the last manner in which I wanted to tell Khushi I love her.

She deserves better.

She deserves the whole nine yards.

Everything.

I wanted our life together to be free of the past, and first, I needed to settle old scores.

So... after they left, I called Armaan. It was high time we took this to Shyam and Vivek rather than continuing to play their victims. They were always a step ahead. Now, we needed the turn the tables on them and bring them what they deserve.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .