Posted on June 03rd, 2017 | November 5th, 2018

| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.14.1 : S T A Y . . . |

Arnav had to have hundreds of questions in his mind. The way he had occasionally kept on glancing over during the car ride, I could tell he was concerned. Still, he wasn't asking it as if to give me my personal space or because he didn't want to force me to tell him. Either way, I appreciated his gesture.

I kept thinking back to the look on Armaan's face. His words echoed in my ears.

I always doubted he would react this way, but some naïve part of me over the years kept hoping it would be the opposite. I always had his love and support. I couldn't handle the reality of us standing across from each other. There was this huge invisible wall between us. Invisible, and yet so well-built that he wasn't willing to listen to my perspective. He had always been very understanding. On this, how could he not understand the reason behind the choice I made?

It wasn't an easy choice. It was an impossible one that I had to make. I was aware of the choice I had made. Of its consequences. Even if it had been an unborn child, it was still a child whose life I had ended before giving it a chance. Each day, I lived with that - knowing what I had done. All those moments that are meant to be the happiest and one of the precious ones for a female were tainted for me. I would never be able to equate to the true happiness one should get normally.

Arnav left my bag in the guest room. He stayed in the room, leaning against the wall as I walked to the bed and sat at the edge. "Do you, um, need anything?"

I shook my head in an answer, even though my brain screamed a different answer. I wanted... no, needed things to be back to normal between Armaan and me. I needed my life to return to one that of normal, where I didn't have to worry about getting a panic or anxiety attack in a public place, or always be careful to not accidentally run into someone. I needed for my nightmares to end – in and out of sleep.

None of that seemed to be close to becoming a reality.

He pushed himself off the wall, "Get some sleep then." He started to leave.

Like the night at the pool when I asked him to hug me, I felt the sudden urge to stop him. My chest rose as I gasped silently for air. I didn't want to be alone. "Arnav." He turned towards me, and I asked, "Will you stay?"

He didn't answer right away, simply continued to look at me as if at loss of a response.

I looked away, "Never mind. Forget I said that." I dismissed it, thinking he must be worried about what it would look like to Anjali when she'd see he hadn't returned to his room.

Saying the later seemed to have snapped him out of his daze. He walked towards the top of the bed and pulled the blanket back, asking me to get in bed instead of sitting on it. I slipped inside and once I'd laid down, he suggested, "I'll stay until you fall asleep. How does that sound?"

I nodded in response, taking up the offer. I wasn't sure I would be able to go to sleep, but it was worth a try if it meant he would stay. He leaned away to turn off the lights and sat at the edge of the bed with his back against the headrest of the bed frame. In the dark, I felt the mattress shift as he lifted his legs up, but staying on top of the blanket.

He continued to not ask any questions. It must have been close to death for him, holding himself back from asking the questions when he was obviously curious to know. I turned to my side, facing him. One of my hand was tucked in between my face and the pillow while the other lay flat on the bed. I tried to be as quiet as possible while the tears stained the pillow wet.

This was the first real fight I had with my brother in probably our whole life. We have arguments where we irritate each other, but never had it be a serious one as this one on such a big thing. When it counted, we always had each other's back, and not having him to lean back on was heart-shattering.

He has always been my rock. I cannot lose him. I used to fear about Arnav finding out, but now I fear what would happen to my relationship with Armaan now that he has found out. I only hope and pray that Riddhima would talk to him and get through to him.

Without meaning to, I sniffled. Almost instantly, I felt the bed shift and then his hand touched mines. "Hey," He whispered. His voice sounded estranged as if holding on to his control. His next words confirmed it, "I wish I could just hug you right now."

I wasn't sure I would have objected right now. There was a lump in my throat, stopping me from saying he could. At my lack of a verbal response, he simply continued to hold my hand and rubbed the back of it as if to comfort me with the tiny gesture. It did mean immensely to me. He wasn't breaching my personal space, but still being there. It's like he knew I had gotten comfortable with him holding my hand and so he never went past that.

He tried to assure, "It'll be fine tomorrow."

There was still an uncertainty in his voice that he was trying very hard to hide but I heard it loud and clear. It makes sense that there would be. He didn't know what was wrong. How could he possibly claim that in confidence?

Somewhere between him rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb and moving on to unintentionally play around with our fingers intertwined as if to slip the memory of how my skin feels in memory, I fell asleep with rhythmic breathing.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

With a slight whimper, I forced my eyes open in the morning. I didn't have to look in the mirror to know the state of my eyes. I could already feel that they were swollen – no doubt puffy. I proceeded to rub my eyes when I realized one of my hand wasn't free. The trail followed to Arnav, still sitting in bed, but asleep. My hand was still in his.

I gently uncurled his fingers with my free hand and slipped it out of his gentle touch. I sat up with a strange feeling creeping in my heart seeing him there. He stayed the whole night in an uncomfortable position because I asked him to. He was going to have a sore neck or back for sure.

I glanced at the clock on the wall. The small hand was on seven while the big hand was at eleven. 6:55 in the morning. I might as well wake him up. He puts his alarm for 7 am. He would have to wake up in 5 minutes anyway.

"Arnav?" I whispered, not sure if he was a light sleeper or a deep one. He stirs slightly but doesn't answer. "Wake up, Arnav." I continued to whisper in the same octave, but this time, slightly shaking his hand.

"Hmm." He answered, turning his head a little and his throat swallowing. He groaned and his hand instantly went to his neck. I waited as his eyes opened and he twisted his head from side to side. Seeing where he was, and me, he started to sit up from his slouching position. "Hey... sorry I didn't realize when I fell asleep."

As I had assumed. I simply smiled at him to let him know it was okay. The events of last night seeped in when I blinked and felt the swelling of my eyes. The smile faltered at it, but I tried to cover up for it by suggesting, "You should apply something on that neck pain."

"Yeah." He said and then paused, looking at me. He seemed hesitant as he asked, "Are you...?"

I half-nodded, "I'll be fine." Before he would leave, I added, "Thank you for last night."

He scolded in a light tone, "Come on, sweet pea. You don't have to thank me for that."

"Yeah," I muttered.

He added, "Now that you are talking... can I ask?"

"Armaan already hates me." I informed, looking at the blanket pooled around my waist, "I don't think I can handle you hating me as well."

He tried to reassure otherwise, "He doesn't hate you, Khushi. And what makes you think I would too? How could I?"

My throat let out a weird combination somewhere between a chuckle and a scoff, "Trust me, you would if I told you everything."

"I thought Armaan knew everything. So why does he hate you now, as you so say?" He asked, turning off his alarm when it started to ring.

"No, he doesn't know everything."

"Would this have anything to do with those pills I saw you take once after that time in jail? Or the pain from when I found you running that night by the library?" My eyes snapped up at him, surprised he would pick out those two scenarios. He explained with a shrug of his shoulder, "You did mention that you hadn't told Armaan or Riddhima why it hurt when I found you running."

I did recall that, but I hadn't thought he would have remembered a tiny detail from three years ago. I think when it comes to him, I should be used to expecting the unexpected.

He took my lack of denial as an affirmative. "So, you decided to tell them last night?"

"Yeah, but of course I didn't get to tell them everything. Armaan flipped before I could."

He stated the obvious, "I've never seen him that mad at you before." I could only nod in answer. He still went on to assure, "Hey, don't worry. You're persistent when you want to be. You'll make him listen eventually and you two will be back to normal before you know it."

"I don't know about that," I could not find it in me to be as optimistic as he. If he were in my place, if he knew everything, he wouldn't be either. His lips pressed together, as if not knowing what else to say. "Thanks though."

He acknowledged it with a nod, before getting up and leaving the room.

I am not ready to go numb yet with my feelings. Right now, I just wanted to take a shower, get to work, and try to get through the day without any more breakdowns. Still, I paused to check my phone for any messages from Armaan.

None.

My heart dropped, upset.

I check Riddhima's messages. One was from last night and the other was sent about 45 minutes ago – perhaps when she woke up. The first one was to let me know she would try to talk to Armaan, and the second one was to check up on me and to ask if she could come by during my lunch break to talk. I hadn't been fair to her by leaving. I do get her concern, and so I replied to tell her she could if she wasn't going to be too busy at the hospital.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.14.2 : ... S E L F - I N V O L V E D . . . |

Arnav had to go for a dinner meeting with some of his business delegates. I didn't ask for details. Since I had caught a ride with him in the morning, it left me to take a cab back to his place. The whole day, I had been debating if I could have over-reacted yesterday by leaving my apartment. Even if Armaan didn't understand yet, I knew his reasons. I could have been mature and stuck around to wait till he would be ready to listen.

After speaking the address to the cab driver, I texted Riddhima to ask how Armaan was. She had to cancel our lunch meeting as she called in to assist in a surgery, and of course, that was an important step in her career. I had told her to not worry about it, and focus on prepping for the surgery. When she didn't answer to my latest message within five minutes, I assumed she must still be busy with it.

I pulled open some of the game apps I had downloaded on my phone and started cutting time. Soon enough, the cab driver pulled up in front of the house. I handed him his fare and went in the house. I rung the bell. HP, whose name I had learned by now was Hari Prakash, opened the door to let me in.

I asked, "Where's Anjali di?" He pointed me in the direction of the kitchen. "Hi di, how was your day?"

She looked up from the vegetables she was chopping to acknowledge my presence and then went back to it while answering, "Hey Khushi, kinda boring. How was yours? How's the calendar project going?"

"How did you know?"

She pleasantly answered, "I do own 50%, you know?"

Well. Don't I feel silly for asking? Arnav had said she selected the designs.

"I may not go into the office but Arnav keeps me updated on the projects. I usually go with him when we are partnering with other fashion houses or investors to put together a show. I would have gone tonight as well, but it wouldn't have been nice to leave you here all alone."

I felt bad hearing she didn't go because of me, "Oh di, you didn't have to do that on my account."

She smiled, waving it off, "No worries, dear. They will come and go. It's not every day I get a chance to spend some time with my soon-to-be sister-in-law."

I smiled back, though it was a little forced as I recall the official relationship I am supposed to have with Arnav. The two of us may be far from an engaged couple.

She asked, sliding the chopped vegetables from the chopper to the pan, "So, has chote managed to get you to hate him any less?"

I catch on that Chote is Arnav. "What? Hate? No, I never hated him."

She laughed and then informed, "It's alright, Khushi. I know about college." At my surprised expression, she somberly expresses, "I know more than you realize."

I probed, wondering if I could get any of my own answers, "Like?"

"Well, I would never ask chote for details, but I'd started to learn that he cared for you. He didn't casually let just any girl learn personal things about him like the shelter or going out of his way to making sure you were okay."

"Going out of his way?" I questioned, not understanding that.

"Yeah, you know, when he intentionally pushed you away."

"Yeah," it was just yesterday he told me the reason why.

"Anyway, I'm glad things are better after what happened with your father. You have to know, he didn't mean for it to happen, right?"

I nodded, "Yeah... he was just trying to save me."

"Yeah. You don't know, Khushi. The guy your father had picked for you to marry... after learning who that was, even I wouldn't have let you marry him."

"You didn't even know me though."

Her smile was forced, "No... but I know him." She looked up at me brightening her face, "Anyway, I just wished it hadn't taken this long."

"This long?"

"For both of you to put aside everything and just talk to each other."

"Yeah..." I quietly answered. There has been a lot of maladaptive pattern between us.

Anjali added in her own flow, "Don't get me wrong. From your perspective, I do understand. You were going through a tough time, and in that, you found it in you to trust him. He broke that trust. You had every right to be mad, but being his sister, I also wish you would have given him a chance to explain himself, or even just listen. If you didn't want to forgive him after, that would have been your choice. But on your engagement day, if you had listened, he wouldn't have gone back in his shell. Since he had met you, he was coming out of it and I really thought that he..."

She suddenly stopped talking, looking away as if realizing she could have spoken too much. While I was starting to see the faults in my anger, I didn't want her to stop sharing. If anything, I wanted her to be honest with me.

I insisted, "He what?"

She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the counter. "It's just... he was going through a tough time too, Khushi. After everything I would learn about you from my conversations with him, I had hoped you would have stuck by his side. There had been so many days the past few years when I felt utterly helpless and being his elder sister and not being able to do anything... I know that it is just as much on him because if you weren't listening, he wasn't speaking up either. But, even if he was pushing you away, I was hoping that you would have been the one to get through him, but you didn't even try. And that just pushed him further in his isolation."

My body stiffened hearing her words. Jennifer had told me something similar the second time I had visited the shelter. I had told myself then that I would find out his reasons, his demons, but I hadn't even tried. The second we had gotten back, I learned of what he had told my father and I had thrown that promise out the door.

Anjali's words may be accusing, but her tone definitely wasn't. She was simply expressing her wishes and looking out for her brother. I couldn't blame her for it, could I? She was right, after all. I was too self-involved in my own pity.

My broken trust. My nightmares. My life.

"My dad! Do you even know what that word means?"

Those words I had spat at him echoed back. I had been so cruel to him. I made everything about me. How could I have turned into this person? This was not me. I was not the inconsiderate one. Oh... what have I done? What have those monsters turned me into?

Until recently when we had started being open to one another, only then did I learn about the death of his parents, the nightmares that followed, the doll, his unconditional love for Anjali, his weird lunch choices of pasta and fries, refusing to eat pizza despite loving it only because of Anjali....

Maybe if I had given him a chance back then, maybe if I had looked past myself, maybe if I had stopped judging him from stereotypes and actually made an effort to get to know him, I would have learned all of this years ago. We would have been someplace else today.

I suddenly realized I even made yesterday's fight with Armaan about me. I didn't talk to Arnav then and that silence lasted for two whole years. I could not repeat the same with Armaan. I wouldn't survive that.

How could I have not noticed my destructive pattern earlier?

Perhaps seeing how silent I was, Anjali started to apologize, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that. It was rude. I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. You had your reasons."

I shook my head, coming out of my thoughts and taking hold of her hands, "No, di. Please, don't apologize. You didn't say anything wrong. If anything, thnk you for telling me this. You're right. I've always been unfair to him. Since the first time I met him, I've put him in the wrong category and misunderstood him from the get go." I scoffed, coming to yet another realization, "I wasted three years of our lives."

I promised then and there that this would have to change. I owed it to both Arnav and myself. This was one promise I would go to lengths to keep. I kept looking for a way to happiness and a normal life, but until now, I didn't realize that it had been in front of me all along. I simply had to open my mind up to the possibility. I simply had to open my heart.

"I have to go do something. Um, don't wait up?"

A little impatient on the feet, I started to leave but stopped after a step. I suddenly took her in a hug, surprising both us. We've already established I wasn't open to hugging someone that wasn't Armaan or Riddhima. But hugging Anjali... it didn't put a burden on my heart. If anything, there was a relief.

Pulling away, I expressed, "Thank you."

Baffled, she spoke, "Uh, okay? Wait, where are you going though?"

With a smile that for once reached my eyes, I answered. "Home."

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .