Posted on March 24, 2017 | Edited on August 7th, 2018

| . . . C H A P T E R - 1.1 : C O L D - & - E M P T Y . . . |

A vacation in Goa.

One would think it would be bliss. Stress-free. Everything one needed before entering the real world with a typical 9-5 job. Right?

Wrong.

How can it be stress-free and relaxing when a certain fiancé tags along because your best friend is his cousin and your best friends' father would not let her go by herself?

According to Kripa, her dad sent Arnav with her as her bodyguard but ofcourse, it was to ensure Kripa wouldn't go wild and have too much fun. I could not understand parents' ideologies sometimes.

One set of rules for their daughters and one for their sons. Or, if I am to be honest, no rules for their sons. They were free to do as per their will without any retribution or threat of a consequence while the daughters were always restricted.

Some answers a girl always gets from her parents: you can do whatever you want at your husband's place or you can go wherever you want once you're married and your husband will take you or you want to stay out after dark? Make sure to take your brother along!

As much as I understood the fear of being harassed or worse, instead of putting restrictions on females, why couldn't the society teach something to their males? Or another solution, get an open mind! Allow some freedom for both your sons and daughters to explore their sexuality instead of repressing them. Then guys might not feel the need to harass girls simply because of their curious mind.

I knew, it was all wishful thinking and an ideal world much harder to achieve. You can try to change one man's opinions but an entire nation? That would disrupt laws of the society, laws of a religion, and that is not something easily attained. It would take an entire era to change that.

On one of the many beaches in Goa, I started walking in the opposite direction from my group of friends in desperate need for some alone time and to give my mind a break from all this anger and frustration I'd felt in the last week since Arnav marked his return in my life.

I heard a person following behind and I turned to face him. a scowl appeared naturally. "What is with you?"

He had the guts to cheekily respond, as if my anger was his source of amusement. "I'm just walking on the beach on a wonderful summer afternoon in Goa."

I turned my back to him and while continuing to walk, ordered over my shoulder. "Go away, Raizada. Stop following me."

"I'm not following you. You are just walking in front of me."

I stopped again to glare with the straightest face I could manage at the lame, cliché, statement. "Seriously? Out of everything, that is what you have to say?"

He opened his mouth, no doubt to spew another nonsensical comment. I threw my hand up in a stop signal and stomped away towards the hotel - that one place I could go to where he could not follow.

I would much rather lock myself up in a room than roam around the beach where he could either constantly follow or my eyes would have to meet with yet another encounter of him with some random female.

Seriously, did he not get tired of this?

Minutes later, I turned around and he wasn't following. Oh, thank God. Finally! I changed my track towards the shops on the opposite side thinking of buying something for my mother.

Lost in kicking the sand under my feet as I took my sweet time walking to the shops, I didn't realize there were guys walking up to me from behind. One of them took me by surprise by putting his hand around my back. "Hey honey, are you lost?"

I jumped away from him at once. Anger flaring in my eyes, I slapped him hard across his cheek. "I think you are the one lost."

In an initial attempt to punish him for his insolence, I hadn't noticed the other two just as well built as the first one until they walked around my front.

Now, my confidence staggered as I felt myself cornered. One? I could manage. But three? I did not hold such pride that I would be ignorant to convince myself I could trick them into escaping.

Terror choked my throat as my ears began to ring, zoning out everything around me. I could not even speak to ask for help. Knowing that I was physically in danger did it for me. Images of past flashed in front of my eyes, immobilizing me, seizing my capacity to even move away from them.

"You bitch." The one I had slapped took a dangerous step towards me, ready to slap me back when he was pulled back, a hand obstructing and grabbed his hand mid-way.

Arnav showed his face and warned, "I think it's best you forget the lady and leave." His jaw was tightly clenched. His eyes, those shade of dark brown. Cold and empty.

The last person I expected to be my savior was this guy.

My attacker scoffed, believing Arnav couldn't scare away all three of them. "Or what?"

I watched as Arnav's lips turned up in a mocking smile. That look put together on his face was one to be afraid of. It screamed danger. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

Without a second to spare, he twisted the hand still held mid-way forcing the guy to turn his back to me and face him. I winced as Arnav kicked the back of his knee and he fell forward on them losing his balance. When the second guy came to defend his friend, Arnav swiftly moved his head back to dodge and punched him on his chin. His head turned up and I heard a crack, possibly his jaw.

Seizing the opportunity, he left the first guy and punched him once again in his stomach. The man stumbled back, hunching over with his hands clutching on to his stomach. Another punch on his face and the guy was on the sand, blood oozing out of his teeth.

I flinched hearing the thudding sound. Arnav's gaze turned to the third guy and I didn't think twice before my hands reached up to hold on to his upper arm. He had sent the message. He needed to stop now. Any more violence and the guys could be in need for some serious medical help and that could get Arnav in legal trouble.

Why did I care about that? I do not know. I just knew that I wanted him to stop this violence and my body seemed to be acting on its own to make it happen the quickest way possible.

He didn't move in the third guys direction though he did send a death glare. The three scrambled away in the opposite direction.

His eyes then softened as he blinked down at me. "Are you okay?"

I didn't respond back.

I couldn't.

I was so close to being assaulted again.

All my blood seemed to be draining in the flashbacks.

"Khushi?" He called out, worried.

I continued to stare at the fabric of shirt right in front of my eyes. He was standing too close and I had no energy to move away. His voice seemed to be echoing. Was it the lack of oxygen? Something was making me faint and lightheaded.

"Khushi?" When I continued to be unreactive, he cupped my face and tilted it upwards. Sweet pea..."

I sprang back on feeling the warmth of another's hand on my check.

"Hey, relax. It's me. It's me." He spoke gently noticing my jumpy reaction.

My eyes met his in confusion as if clueless what had just transpired. His eyes were filled with concern. Why? I looked down at his hands, spots of blood on his knuckles. The violence from seconds ago came back to me. Though he'd saved me and it had been a close call, tears welled up.

In that split second, I was vulnerable.

It took us both by surprise when I took a long stride towards him and hugged his chest tightly. So tightly that with the pressure on my own chest, I felt like I could breathe again. He patted my head with gentle hands and spoke words meant to pass comfort, "It's okay, Khushi. They're gone. I'm here..."

The later words had my eyes flew open. I was hugging someone. I pulled back sharply once again to Arnav looking down at me in abrupt concern once again. I pushed him away with more force than I intended - the force I meant to use on those goons before I had frozen.

I'm here.

No.

No one asked him to be here. Twice, I had let him fool me. Twice, I had let him break my trust. Third time will not be a charm.

Snapping at him was one thing that still came naturally to me to conceal what I really felt. "I told you to never touch me again."

I may have hugged him in my vulnerability but he still put his hand on my cheek first. He was quick to respond, concern replaced with quick fury. "Is that how you thank the person who just saved you?"

Save.

That word again. The word he truly believes when he keeps saying he saved me. Saved me from getting married to someone else. Saved me from those attackers. No. He keeps putting me in more harm's way.

Who saves me from him?

I took another step away, muttering. "Leave me alone..." It wasn't a threat or an order but a plea. A desperate and painful plea. I needed him to leave my life altogether so I may truly be able to move on. So I can stop feeling like I am constantly in thousands of different kinds of pain.

I need this to stop and it worked for the better part of the last year and a half. With his return, all of it came back in an influx of emotions. So, logically, if he'd just leave again, it'd all stop.

At the time, however, I wasn't realizing that it was a flawed logic. That all I was doing was running from having to accept my feelings. That the real reason why I felt I was hurting so badly was because it was not just my trust that was broken but also my heart and I did not know how to come out of this heart break or what I could do to heal.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

| . . . C H A P T E R - 1.2 : M Y - D A R K E S T - P L A C E . . . |

I locked myself in the washroom as soon as I reach my hotel room. Turning the tap on and cupping water in my palm, I splashed it on my face. Not once, twice, or thrice to wash my face as a normal person might do. Multiple times as a person who needed to wake up from this living nightmare.

Oh, but the flashes from the past.

They refused to leave. I wish I could forget certain pieces of my memory. Pick them out as in those Harry Potter movies and store them away so I may forget them. Replace them with anything, for it would be better than remembering.

They assaulted my body.

Arnav shattered my heart.

Was there anything left inside of me? It was just an empty heart beating as it continued to beat life into this body but did it even mean anything anymore?

I wasn't living. This is not what you call a life lived. A heart that lived life as if just letting it pass by was filled with sorrow and a certain heartache. I could be cheerful about life and live when Arnav wasn't around. I could momentarily dismiss my past. But his return breathed life to old wounds.

Unable to remain standing on my own, I slipped against the door. I couldn't even muster the strength to turn off the tap. Any other time or day, I'd have made it a point to. Why waste water? It was valuable. But, in the moment, I found myself unable to care about it or anything else.

I was unable to look past my fears and pains.

I was unable to stop my sobs and this nausea that surrounded me until I burst in fits of tears and my palm fisted onto the dress over my chest, needing to stop myself from feeling; wishing it were possible to rip my heart out instead as if doing so would mean it would not hurt this much.

Turning off emotions didn't help. Arnav turned them on a few years. Now, I couldn't go back to before - in a world where he didn't exist.

At the knock on the door, I put a hand over my mouth to muffle my cries. Riddhima was calling my name. I couldn't reply. I wanted to scream so she'd hear me and come help me. Help me stop this feeling. This path of self-destruction I was standing in the middle of for years.

Every time, it was one step ahead three steps back. It seemed to be as if I were going nowhere. I was still stuck where I had been this whole time while everyone continued to move on, while everyone continued to live, while my entire world changed.

And that... that was getting tiring. It was exhausting and was it so bad to want everything to end? For all things negative to simple fade away? Would that not be nice?

I couldn't find my voice. Knocks continued until the knob started to rattle as she picked at the lock and pushed just enough to squeeze inside. My vision was foggy through the tears but I could clearly see her getting on her knees and taking me in a tight embrace.

I let her hug me for some time as she sat by me and just silently offered her shoulder in endless comfort. After a while, she did make me get off the floor and I absent mindedly allowed her to nudge me towards the bed. She said something I didn't pay attention to before she left the room and returned moments later.

I glanced up at Armaan. Seeing him made me want to cry some more. And, I did.

He rushed to my side making a spot for himself on the bed beside me. Till now, I had been partly unconscious of my surroundings. With him here, I felt the freedom to breathe once again without any fear. I pulled him in a bear hug, crying inconsolably on his shoulders.

I needed my brother and his love to convince me that in this moment, I was safe. That I was always safe with him next to me. That he would always be there for me.

Riddhima walked up to the side of the bed holding a glass of water. Armaan saw her and quietly took the glass from her hand, encouraging me to pull back. I did only after convincing myself that letting go of him meant only pulling back and that he was still going to be in front of me and that he wasn't leaving.

I held the glass he offered and noticing my shaking hands, he put his atop mines and nudged the glass closer to my lips. I forced down a sip or two before sniffing and pulling my head back. He moved the glass away and gathered me in his arms again while I tried to muffle my sobs and hiccups.

For the sake of those who loved me and couldn't see me in this state, I had to stop this from happening continuously.

My hands dropped to my lap as he smiled to assure me and tucked loose strands of hair behind my ear before wiping away my tears. Since as far back as I could remember into our childhood, he always said he hated my cheeks being stained by bitter tears.

I always felt his unconditional love for me. I would annoy him for no reason but he wouldn't fight back. I would beat him up for stupidest of reasons and he'd let me even when we both knew he was stronger. I would break his favorite possessions if I was mad at him for something silly and he'd brush it off as an accident. I would pour whatever blame on him to escape our parent's wrath and he'd accept it without a peep. I would pull the typical brother-siblings rivalry and he'd still love me endlessly. He'd let none of it stand in the way when it came to pouring out his love and show just how much I meant to him.

He was adopted when he was still a child so he only knew this family growing up but ever since our parents told us they had adopted him, we were all he had and he held on to us with dear life.

I looked up holding his hand in one while holding out my other towards Riddhima who stood a foot away. She stepped up and slipped it in mine. These two always gave me their immense support and I was damn lucky to still have this in my life.

I shouldn't forget that.

They could always pull me out of my darkest place.

I brought their hands to my lips and kissed them before closing my eyes and inhaling deeply to shut off those painful, horrific memories and simply replace them with the soothing and calm ones of our childhood. Just Armaan, Riddhima, and myself. No one else who could breach this bubble. No sorrows. No darkness. Just smiles and laughter and sunshine all around us.

I opened my eyes, grateful to be alive even if at most moments, I wished I could have a different type of life than the one I lived. I was grateful for my two guiding angels. The words thank you didn't hold true justice and I didn't say them ever either. They could see it in my eyes and that was enough for us. Saying it would have demeaned the bond we shared.

None of us were blood related and yet, other than our parents, we were everything to each other. We had gone through all the ups and downs of life together and that was a bond another could not come close to. I may wish for myself to be different, but I could never trade in a life for another if it meant I wouldn't have Armaan and Riddhima by my side. As long as my life had them in it, I knew I would be fine... eventually.

I moved over, nudging Armaan and he scooted too so Riddhima could sit beside me against the bedpost. She hugged me too and everything felt better. "I wish I..."

Armaan stopped my thought there itself knowing what I wanted to say, "Doll, don't say that. What you've been through isn't normal. It's not a thing you simply snap out of in a day or month. A time will come when your heart, by itself, will trust someone and you won't be scared anymore; a time when someone who will make you feel safe once again and will be by your side at all times."

"I have you two." I argued. I didn't want anyone else.

"Yes, and we always will be but as a brother. A best friend. Having us make you feel safe is different than a lover that'll..."

I shook my head lifting my head off his shoulder. "That time is never going to come."

He challenged, "Would that be because you don't let anyone come close to you?"

My mind countered. It had let Arnav in. Look what he did...

"Fate has a sneaky way of creeping up to you, doll." He looked back at me with such hope in his eyes and spoke lasting words, "They say, after every storm comes a rainbow. That rainbow in your life is closer to you than you think. I know that day will come one day. Maybe it already has?"

I denied, "No, I don't want ..."

He smiled, "It's not what you want, doll. It's what you already have, whether you want it or not, need it or not. Maybe unknowingly, but you do hold someone in that heart of yours." He pointed at my heart, not giving me a second to tell him he was wrong. "Deny it and try to force your heart to shut off but take it from me, it won't work. It won't stop him from coming close to you for he already is there, inside."

Whatever he said, I wouldn't admit it. I wouldn't acknowledge it. I couldn't have someone in my heart who hurt my family... who's hurt me.

He asked sitting up to face me, "Will you promise me something?" When I glanced up at him to continue, he asked. "Promise me, when Arnav gives you all the answers, when he has earned it, you will not hold your heart back. You will not deny yourself the happiness you deserve because of mistakes made in the past. Can you make me that promise? Can you do that, for me?"

I hated that he added for me at the end. He knew I couldn't refuse him anything. I respected him too much, admired him too much to disappoint him. "You're asking too much..."

He nodded as if knowing. "I will be relieved if you just make a promise to yourself. I only asked that you make it to me so you won't be tempted to break it... so that you'd seriously consider it."

We knew that the promises I made to myself, I was tempted to not follow through on them. I allowed my mind to change often. But, the promises I made to others, I would try harder to keep. And never once in my life had I broken a promise made to Riddhima or Armaan and I had no intentions of breaking them in the future.

When I remained silent, considering if I would be able to make him this promise, he added. "I hate seeing you like this, doll. I don't like seeing you punishing yourself. No matter what mom says, you are not the reason dad is in this medical state right now. Yes, I blamed Arnav too initially but I know him... and dare I say, you know him more. Somewhere, you know he would have his reasons. Whatever they are, he just won't tell them for whatever reasons. But, I think we owe him the benefit of a doubt." When I remained silent, he added, "You trust me, don't you?"

I answered right away at that, offended he even felt the need to ask. "Ofcourse, I do!"

"Then trust that and give him a chance to explain himself. Trust him; just once more. You deserve a happy, cheerful life like any other person. You deserve much more; so, promise me, you will let it enter. Let him back in when he's earned it."

His words, his concern, his love, and my love for him... when all combined and put in a pile, it left for a heavy heart. I couldn't not give him what he was asking for. Even when it meant what it would mean for Arnav and me. I didn't know if I would have the courage or capability to follow through but, for now, in the moment, I let my head bob into an agreement.

Living a life again where Arnav was a part of it... It couldn't be that hard to give it a try. Could it? No... I hope not.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |

Okay... I know. Not the happiest first chapter in the history of novels. But, it's just how their journey is. One that hopefully will make you feel for both of them.

I do agree with all who just want them to sort out their issues already and talk to each other. They do need to do that, but just wait. Everything has a time and place and each needs to go through their own hurt and acceptance process. Hopefully, the change in their journey in this rewritten plot will bring that out better than the first time (:

Fresh content coming up next in Arnav's POV! Leave them votes and comments to get the update quicker ;)