Dedicated to Amha076. Thanks for joining tapas!

Edited on March 28th, 2018

| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1.6 - S A V E - M Y S E L F . . . |

I watched as Arnav stepped out of the car parking it just as I had closed the passenger door after getting out myself. "Where are you going?"

I hope he didn't plan on staying.

He answered, "You very well know the answer to that, sweet pea."

I was about to chide him again for calling me that when I deemed it best not to. The more I continued to react, the more he'd keep on calling me that to irritate me. As much as it affected me and I hated it, I decided the best thing to do was try and ignore it long enough for him to think it wasn't bothering me anymore. Hopeful then, he'd stop calling me that.

I stepped in the elevators refusing the take the stairs even though our apartment was only on the third floor. I was glad when he didn't follow and instead took the stairs. Reaching the floor and stepping out of the elevator, I noticed the door was already unlocked.

Great. Now he had keys too. Day by day, it felt like it wasn't Kripa, but him, who lived here.

I muttered walking past him on the couch and towards my room, "Well, good night." He could plan on staying but that didn't mean I was going to stick around and entertain him.

"Wait, Khushi?"

I let out a sigh for I had been hoping to retire to bed but he kept dallying.

"You aren't serious about that silly resolutions game, are you?"

"You care because?"

He asked back, "Shouldn't you?"

I was starting to understand this trick of his. He never directly answered. He almost always turned it into another question.

"No," I lied and turned to leave.

I heard him say, "Fooling yourself, I see."

Without turning again to look at him, I said. "Please, can we just go back to the time when we would pretend like the other wasn't around?"

Not sticking around for his reply, I left for my room hoping he'd get the message. I would very much like for things to go back the way they were a week ago. The time we didn't have these many private conversations. The time we didn't talk at all, to begin with.

I'm not asking for much, am I?

I still have tons of questions about him though. It was still tough to grasp that he helped me again tonight. When no one, not even my best friend had noticed - too taken away with celebrating - he noticed. Despite it all, he still wasn't asking any questions. Why? It made absolutely zero sense.

It was sure to drive me insane.

Let's not forget... there was the fact that I didn't lose my sanity this time when he held my hand. I couldn't feel it and at the same time, I could. I had stared at my palm for the longest trying to understand. That feeling I had felt only for a few seconds, unlike ever before. When he'd held my hand, somehow, I had used him as a tether to the real world. For only those seconds, why did I feel that sense of... safety. The way he held my hand as if he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

And that was an enigma for me. How could I ever have felt that emotion with him around? Because I felt it from the last person I expected it to come from, I couldn't help but be angry.

I only felt safe with Armaan, Riddhima, and Angad - and he was stealing that.

This was selfish and narrowminded of me, but I only wanted to feel that safety with those three, not with Arnav or anyone else. Much a contradiction, I didn't want to feel safe.

I didn't want to feel anything.

I had worked hard to have a numb heart and just cover myself with so much pain that no one could ever hurt me again. They had caused me enough pain to last an eternity.

And let me remind you, eternity is a very, very, long time to suffer.

I wanted to hold on to that and Arnav was challenging that, shaking the balance and threatening everything I no longer wanted to associate myself with.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I woke up in the middle of the night. Again. Snapped out of my dreams with Riddhima shaking me vigorously. I wiped the lone tear marks off my face as I grumbled, "As much as I love you, Ridzzi, I hate you right now. This is a pretty fucked up way of yours to help me."

The night mares were returning. No. They weren't returning. They had returned. Though, I asked myself... when did they ever stop?

I just knew if I even attempted a single thing on Riddhima's list for me, they would never go away.

She laid back in bed, "I know it is, darling. But trust me, it will help." She sounded so confident.

"How can you be so sure?"

She closed her eyes to sleep again, "Good night, Khushi."

She didn't say it but I still got my answer. There was only one person who could have helped her. Armaan. I wonder why he never told me but then I scoffed to myself. Ofcourse, he wouldn't. He knew what it would mean... putting me through this pain before I could even begin to heal and that was one thing he wouldn't stand to watch.

Sometimes, I envy Riddhima. She knows it too. I must have told her many times. Most of those times though, she knew I was joking around. This once, I do mean it. She had that one person in her life that she could trust, no matter the amount of fights they have. That one guy who would stick by her through thick and thin.

He was that steady rock in her life.

Even when they were at war with each other, when needed, they'd be there for the other in a blink of an eye.

It's times like these that I envy their bond. The love and trust they have. Times like these, I wish I had that as well. Sure, I have the same guy in my life but in a different role. He's a brother to me and a friend and lover for her. And a person like that? There was none in my life. There was never and nor could I have one after this. I don't think I can ever bring myself to let my guard down long enough to trust someone to always be there, to always save me.

Honestly, at times, I felt like I shouldn't be so weak. It's pathetic, isn't it? Waiting for someone to swoop in and save the day?

I should learn to save myself.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I couldn't find any of my hair ties! They were all gone. I couldn't find even my hair clips.

I had a pretty good idea who could be behind this and thus, I barged into her room yelling. "KRIPA!"

And well, next thing? I instantly covered my eyes. I hadn't expected Arnav to be there, on the bed, sleeping. Shirtless.

Does this guy never go back to his own place?

He mumbled in annoyance, "What now?" I did feel bad for a second for waking him up but then again, I didn't. "What does a guy have to do to get some peaceful sleep?"

I sassed back, "How about, going to your own place instead of crashing at your sister's. Where's Kripa?"

"Obviously not here. Now, I'd like to go back to sleep." I started to leave with a scowl on my face when he added, "Oh, and if you're looking for your hair ties, she hid them in her closet safe. I'm sure you know the code. And you did not hear this from me."

As soon as he had said 'hair ties', he had my attention and I'd turned around to face him. Though, I still hadn't moved my hand from over my eyes. I had no intention of seeing him half naked.

Praying I wouldn't stumble into anything, I tried to recall things where they would be in her room and navigate around with careful steps. I had my other hand in front of me patting the air as I waited to touch the wall which would tell me when to turn right.

Feeling it eventually, I turned but only to fall. Courtesy? Whatever pile of clothes she had discarded carelessly on the floor.

I fell on something hard. "Well then, what do you know? There just might be better ways to waking up then hearing you yell."

I stiffened as my senses came back to my aid. The bed. Out of all the places. I felt myself burning up as I realized his hands were around me.

He questioned, his voice so close. "Why are your eyes closed? You aren't falling anywhere."

I wanted to smack him. Atleast it told me though he had his eyes closed when he had told me where Kripa hid my hair ties and hadn't known I'd walked in with closed eyes. Gulping, I informed. "I am only going to count to three seconds before I scream murder."

What do you know? It did the trick. He moved his hand right away. I couldn't bring myself to move because he whispered and I could feel his breath fanning over my ear giving me an idea of how close his face was to mine. "Happy new year."

Last night, he had said it but it was almost spoken sarcastically. Right now? He was truly saying it. Wishing me. Why did it feel so... sacred? As if that quiet voice of his was meant only for me. As if he really did wish this year would be different for me.

Again, it didn't settle well with me the same way that weird safety feeling I'd felt last night.

I moved at once and got to my feet. Without sparing him a look, I opened my eyes and walked to the closet to retrieve my hair ties before leaving. Not once did I glance at him though I could feel his eyes following my every single movement.

Being around him was getting harder by the day, by the second.

When I entered my room, a crazy - absolutely crazy - idea hit me. I couldn't stand him. That was exactly the kind of person I needed to get over my fear. If I could bring myself to trust him enough to be a friend, I could maybe trust others too. If being around him wouldn't freak me out, I could start living normally again.

No.

I shook my head. It was a ridiculous thought. This was never going to happen. I would never ask him for his help. Why would he even help me?

It will remain a thought.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Edited on March 31st, 2018

| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1.6.5 - P U R E - I N T E N T I O N S . . . |

One week later, classes resumed.

Two weeks later, chaos.

Khushi was anything but okay. She was far from it. Leaving her hair down and wearing proper tees once a week was hell for her. I had only seen her one of the two times but it didn't take a genius to see it.

How she ever kept up with the torture is out of my understanding. I do understand, however, that she is stronger than she looks. She has the strength in her to move past this. For some reason, she is choosing not to.

I walked into Starbucks on campus to get coffee as I needed it desperately. Falling into the schedule of classes and late-night outs had me a bit sleep deprived. I spotted her in her own corner she often chose to sit and study at.

Deciding I had stayed back in the shadows long enough, I walked up to her and took the seat opposite her. "You need help."

She glanced up from her book and pulled out her earplugs, not because she heard me but because she noticed my shadow fall over the table. "Did you need something?"

I repeated, stressing each word. "You. Need. Help."

She chose to take me lightly and returned her earplugs to her ears while answering, "I don't recall anything being wrong with me."

I forwarded my hand to tug them out. Her doe eyes widen at my daring guts and inched back in her seat. I don't apologize for my actions. If I don't do the unanticipated, she will never come to relax.

"Who are you fooling? You can't bear to be in what you are right now. It makes you extremely uncomfortable."

"This concerns you how?"

I tell a small white lie, "It concerns my sister."

She raised a brow to correct me, "You mean your cousin?"

No. I actually did mean my sister, Anjali. However, I let her believe that. "Sure, cousin. Sister. Does it make a difference?"

She questioned, "How does what I wear concern Kripa? Even if it did, she can talk to me herself. I know she's capable of doing so. You don't have to speak for her."

Why was she being like this? This girl was going to be very difficult and maybe even a pain in the ass... but, I had already made my choice. So, I answered in a clipped tone, "Look, you need help. I can help."

I don't know how else I can get her to understand that simple English.

She crossed her arms over her chest defensively, "Now why in the world would I ask for your help? That is, if I needed help, which I don't."

Oh, her ego. Why can't she simply admit it? She knows it very well as I do.

"It's not a question of if. You do."

She squinted but when it didn't affect me, she sighed and returned to her book. "Get lost, Raizada."

I stick by my words and announced, "I'm not leaving till you accept my help."

"Whatever," she muttered to convey it wasn't her problem and she could be least bothered. She went on to reading as she had been before my interruption.

Okay, if that is how this was going to be, so shall it.

Let the game begin.

Even I shall see how long she can sit there silently when I would not leave. I had heard about her impatience from Kripa. Time to put it to test. And as she would soon find out, my patience was abundance.

I turned towards the cashier and raised my hand to get her attention. Emma did glance up eventually and she knew my regular preference. She shook her head at me in amusement. Probably my tiredness was written all over my face. I came in to Starbucks to get my dose of coffee every day of the week around the same time and she always would be working this afternoon shift. It worked well for me as I wouldn't have to even say my order. Seeing me, she'd make it without asking.

She had to take care of the line of students before she got to my order. I didn't mind waiting. See, patience. When she was free, she walked over to the table and placed it in front of me.

I started to take my credit card out of my pocket when she stopped me, "Don't worry, my treat. You look like you really need this."

"Thank you," I gratefully replied.

She nodded towards Khushi, "Anything for your friend?"

Khushi kept her eyes to the book and I chuckled, "She's pretending I'm not here."

Emma teased while mouthing a good luck. I opened my mouth to correct her as she thought I liked Khushi. But she'd already turned around and left to attend another group of students that walked in.

I sipped on coffee and continued the waiting game. I found myself surprised. This isn't the impatience I kept hearing about. The whole hour, not once did she look up at me or did anything to acknowledge my presence. When she got up to order hot chocolate, not even then.

Emma gave me a sympathetic look once her shift ended. We usually left for the same class but seems I will be staying here and skipping class today for I wasn't going to go back on my word. I refused to leave till Khushi would accept my help.

I picked up my phone and quickly texted Emma, asking her to take notes else normally, I'd be the one taking notes for the both of us. She had no interest in business, her minor. She was forced to take it by her parents. She didn't mind if she'd fail business law class. I, however, did.

Emma: I'll try. That friend of yours better be worth it.

Arnav: Thanks, my treat tomorrow.

I replied letting her know tomorrow's coffee would be on me.

Emma: Just make sure you atleast score a date.

Arnav: It's not like that, Em. My sister's friend.

Emma: If that's what you want to tell yourself.

I stopped replying knowing better than to try and convince her otherwise. I didn't mind how others were taking this out to be. I knew I had a pure intent of wanting to help Khushi. Maybe selfish too but as Lavanya said... which actions of ours aren't?

I had to give this to Khushi, she was good. No one could hold their ground around me for this long. Everyone eventually cracked. Her tolerance level was amusing and appalling at the same time. Just, a tiny bit irritating for I wasn't having my way as easily as I normally would.

She might be able to remain silent for these two hours and not be bothered by it - or atleast put on a good show.

But, she too underestimates me. I had a mission in mind and I was determined to accomplish it even if it was the last thing I'd do for the day and I'd have to sit here even more hours for it to happen.

In the third hour, I started dropping sounds here and there to bother her. I wouldn't mind staying here the whole night but I am sure she would.

"I'm sure you have places to go to, Raizada. Girlfriends to take on dates. So, go along."

Finally. Score. At last she said something even if they weren't the words I wanted to hear. "And she speaks!"

She put a bookmark on the page and looked up closing the book, "What's in it for you? Why are you being so stubborn? Why can't you just leave me be?"

Her irritation was clear in the way she threw one question after the other. My tone was much more casual and laid back, "Because you need help and I can help."

"So?" She challenged, "Doesn't mean you have to."

"I want to, you leave me no choice."

She seemed surprised hearing that... that I wanted to help.

Until this moment, even I didn't know how desperately. It wasn't because of her brother who had asked me all those months ago. It wasn't because of my guilt. It wasn't because it was the right thing to do.

It was something else that I wouldn't accept right now... just that I needed to help her to help myself.

She sighed as her tone sounded very distant, "Trust me when I say this, Raizada. You do not want to get involved in the mess my life is."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

Really, she had to learn. I did what I wanted to. I got what I wanted. No one could force me into a choice if it wasn't what I wanted. That was just how I lived my life. I didn't wait for someone to give it to me. I didn't answer to anyone. I took it if I wanted it. I gave it if I willed it.

It may make me an arrogant, self-centered asshole, but I didn't care of what people thought of me either. Those who worry about what others will think of themselves are only letting those other strangers have an important say in how they lived their life, and how is that anywhere alright? Why let someone else dictate how you live your own life? Especially a stranger? No. No one controlled my life more than myself.

Okay, an only exception to that rule is Anjali. I cannot deny her. And maybe, Lavanya. She sometimes knew how to make me bend to her will. But still, you know what I mean. I didn't let just anyone make me do things the way they wanted.

I could spot it in her eyes. She wasn't convinced. She needed more, which I gladly gave. "Khushi please, I am not asking you any questions and nor will I ever - if that is what you are worried about and thus won't accept my help. You don't have to worry about it or ever explain anything to me. I just want to help."

She swallowed after hearing my plea and reached for her bag, putting her book inside. "I... I'm grateful to you for not asking questions but the thing I need right now is to trust someone." She stood up pushing the chair back, "And you... you are the last person I could trust."

I wasn't going to accept that as an answer. I knew she would resist but I had just gotten started. Her lack of trust in me didn't bother me. I got up and followed, "I know and don't you see? If you can bring yourself to trust me, you will be able to trust anyone you want to without any fear."

She abruptly stopped walking away. I had hit a nerve.

Then, I waited for her to say what I wanted to hear. I knew I would hear it this time. The decision was written in her eyes.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E. . . |

Soo....! Like I said, more Arnav POVs. I'd portrayed Arnav as a player before but did not explore that much so taking my chances now to show that side of his a bit & you can get an idea of how people other than the main characters see him as.

Let me know your thoughts!

If you can spare a second, check out my blog!

diamondfantasy.wordpress.com

It was made back in 2012 & I'm currently in the process of trashing old posts/pages and replacing with current info ;) Now on, I am going to try to keep connected to the FB page & blog. Do feel free to connect with me there! Would love to chat & get to know you lovely people :D