Dedicated to Leah.

Edited on May 18th, 2018.

| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1.2 2 . 1 : B U R D E N E D - H E A R T . . . |

I thought it might be a little weird to be back here at the shelter but everyone made me feel at home - as if I wasn't intruding on their time with Arnav or an unwelcomed guest. They were people I could connect to. None of them know my story and I barely knew all of theirs.

Still, there was an unspoken understanding that we were alike in more ways than one. None of us had to explain anything. We may have gone through different things but we had gone through it.

That, was respected.

They cared and none of that care could ever be questioned the way I recently found myself questioning Arnav's. They were not just sympathizing. They truly understood.

I had assumed I would feel a weight lifted off my chest after being around these girls. It didn't. It only made it heavier and feel burdened. It bothered me more. It riled up my thoughts, my brain. It's a fact that a human brain is always active but being here, it is more active than ever. It is as if it wants to create a havoc in my heart.

No matter how much I might emotionally shut off from the world when I am out there, being here, it makes me feel.

It makes everything real.

It leaves a stabling feeling in my chest.

And yet, it feels empty.

It's hollow.

The front door opened behind me and I wiped away my tears quickly before turning behind to see who it was. Jennifer gently pulled the door shut before walking down the front steps to join me.

"Hey," she greeted softly. "Can't sleep?"

It was slightly after midnight. Hence, her question. "Yeah... just thinking."

She nodded, staring up ahead, eyes on the front yard but actually, the look in them was quite distant as she spoke. "It's a whole different world in here."

I let the silence agree to her words. For a few seconds, we just sat there. Both of us, probably having similar thoughts going through our minds.

After a while, she opened up, "You know, it was difficult when I first got here. I didn't open up to them for the longest eight months. I figured they would give up on me eventually. I almost wanted them to - expected them to. Everyone else I knew before had. But, Arnav... he never gave up. He had his own battles to fight and coming here was never easy for him but he'd still come once a week to spend time with us."

Even though I wasn't on speaking terms with him, I smiled in distant fondness. "That sounds like him."

She nodded before expressing, "I just hope that when he needs it the most... the people he counts on don't give up on him."

I turned towards her, confused by her words. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing, just saying. A feeling, you know? He does so much for people whom he didn't even know at one point. So, if he is ever going through a tough time, I would like to think - hope - people would stick by him too. He doesn't show it often but there are so many things he lets affect him."

I got the feeling she knew something and started to get defensive, "What did he tell you? Because if he put me as the bad guy, that is not true at all."

She chuckled, "No dear, he's said nothing to me. I tried to get him to tell me but he didn't. You know, it's rare for him to come this soon after his birthday since no one here is new. He doesn't have to come. So lately, he only comes when he needs to get away from his life out there. This place has become a sanctuary for him, to take some time to think."

She looked so hopeful that I hated to crush it but I told her honestly, "If you came to me for answers, sorry Jennifer. I don't have them. We're not exactly friends."

She was silent, nodding to not let her disappointment reflected on her face before voicing her thought, "I think you two are; you just won't accept it for whatever reason. The first time he might have brought you here so you could trust him to help you but today? He wouldn't have brought you here if he didn't take you as one."

I opened my mouth to argue that he brought me because she and Annie insisted but stopped. What's the point? I knew he did not take me as a friend. If he did, he would have respected me enough... respected my promise.

"Did he tell you why he opened this shelter?"

"No, don't you know him?" My point? He was a private person.

"Did you ask?"

I saw her point. I hadn't. I replied in a quite defense, "He wouldn't answer. He doesn't tell people anything personal." Haven't there been some other thinks that I have asked but he'd always either change the topic or not answer at all?

Jennifer continued to speak for him, "You are not people, Khushi."

I wanted to argue but my voice betrayed me. Did he really think something of me like she was insinuating?

"If he still means something to you, I think you should ask him and he just might tell you. It would help you in understanding him. He really does intend the best for everyone, Khushi. He just isn't best at showing it sometimes. He might have made mistakes but who hasn't? We're all humans. We are not perfect. Eventually, we reach a point where we have to stop carrying the burden of everything and I fear he is so close to that. He doesn't know it but he does need someone to share with."

I don't like that she placed the burden on me to find out what was happening with Arnav. Why? I've only come into his life recently.

She squeezed my hand for comfort before she stood up, "Try and get some sleep," and left me outside again with my thoughts.

Even though she was gone, her words lingered. I tried and tried so hard to push him out of my head by distracting myself with other things. But he always managed to sneak into my thoughts - be it because he messaged me to remind me to eat, or with a lone memory around the apartment or actually seeing him on campus but walking the other way or past him as if he was a stranger.

If Jennifer was right... why was he here right now? What was bothering him so much that he needed to get away? I slightly wondered if this still had something to do with the time he had gone home just before Valentine's and came back a changed person - or a better way to put it, returned to be his previous self - before I had gotten to know him.

I pulled my arms closer to my chest, embracing some warmth with a deep breath and looking up at the sky. After the assault, he was the first guy I had started to trust. He had seen my vulnerable side. I'd never had to say the specific words in a complete sentence but he knew everything.

I continued to fight him at each step, snap at him, make it difficult for him to help me, but he continued to stand in front of me. Relentless. But somewhere, I knew. If I truly wanted to keep him away, I could have. I hadn't fought him as hard as I could have to keep him away from my life - away from me.

Somewhere, I had given him the leeway to enter.

Somehow, I had allowed him into my mind and creep his way slowly towards some corner of my heart and hold the strings so tight that I myself couldn't stop my thoughts from returning to him every now and again.

Though some minutes later I retired to one of the guest bedrooms, sleep did not come easily. I kept twisting and changing sides, staring at the ceiling and counting back from 100 - restarting when I would miscount - but for it to still not work.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

| . . . C H A P T E R  . . . 1. 2 2 . 2 : T W O - W E E K S . . . |

A little after 5 in the morning, I got up from bed and freshened up.

I was going to go to the kitchen to find something to eat but when I stepped out of the room, it was to meet the sight of Arnav in the living room watching TV. The volume was on mute but it was a new channel. When he didn't turn his head in my direction at the sound of door opening, I assumed he might have fallen asleep watching TV and walked near to turn it off.

Only, I realized he was awake and simply lost in his thoughts. When he did notice, he greeted as he sat up a little. "Morning." He looked so tired as if he hadn't gone to sleep at all either.

Jennifer's words from last night echoed in my brain.

He only comes when he needs to get away from his life.

Take some time to think.

Hope people stick by him too.

In that moment, I decided that even though he had hurt me, there were many times when he had helped me and stuck by my side. He had still done things for me that I couldn't dismiss because of his recent actions. Least I could do in return was make an effort to offer the same support - even if our friendship, if it could even be called that, would never be mended... atleast not anytime soon.

I don't think I can forgive him and neither can he provide a justification good enough.

I wished back, "Morning," and his eyes flickered to mines in surprise as if he hadn't expected a response back or for me to even acknowledge his presence.

While it lasted, he seemed to grab the chance to keep the conversation flowing. "Sleep well?"

I sat at the opposite end of the two-seater with my eyes on the TV screen reading the headlines. "No." From the corner of my eyes, he nodded but didn't say anything else as if he decided not to force the conversation given I had answered in one word. So, I asked. "You?"

His answer didn't offer any insight - as it barely did. "Not really. Too much on my mind."

"Yeah," I exhaled for I was in the same boat as well though I kept feeling as if this thing between us that we had was only one way. I shared my thoughts and vulnerabilities. He kept it all to himself.

After few seconds, he informed. "We're going trekking today."

I had no idea what the purpose could be behind this random piece of information but I still answered, "Have fun."

I couldn't tag along even if I wanted to and he nodded as if already made the conclusion else instead of information, I figure he would have asked if I wanted to go trekking. I'd gone running only that one time and even that had ended in terrible pain. I couldn't risk trekking.

"Khushi, about..." He began to speak and I started being conscious of my heart beats. I just knew he was going to bring up old topics or again apologize.

I didn't want his justifications. So, I blurted out the truth I had been struggling with the past few days. "I'm getting married."

His head snapped in my direction and I dared to look at him for his reaction. He was stumped, a little wide eyed, and ready for me to burst out laughing and call it a prank. Alas, I couldn't do that. When he realized they weren't random words to stop him from saying what he was about to, he whispered. "What?"

I repeated for his confirmation, "My parents are getting me married."

Suddenly, he turned his body to face me and forwarded his hand. My eyes followed it when it started to reach me. My body stiffened but I couldn't move my hand away the way my brain was screaming at me to. I wondered if he actually would.

He stopped just before his palm would touch the back of my hand. As if realizing his actions, his hand froze there for the longest few seconds. I glanced at him to see his eyes on his hand, jaw clenched and then he swallowed as his palm clenched into a fist. He withdrew his hand but only to place it next to mine whereby he wasn't touching it but they were dangerously close.

My mind flashed back to that night on the beach. Now too, his hand was next to mine as if there was an imprint of my hand here as well that he was holding on to. My heart clenched while I wanted to be angry at him for having the audacity to pull this as if he cared enough after what he had done the past few weeks... as if the past few weeks hadn't happened.

His voice was angry at me, "And you're going to let them?"

If my parents found out what had happened with me, it would break them. It's why I made the decision not to and though Armaan and Riddhima thought we should tell them, they respected my choice and supported me despite their personal opinions.

When I didn't answer, he seemed to go into lecturing mode. "Khushi, this is your life. You may be big on keeping things from people who care about you but you need to tell them."

"No."

"Khushi..."

I repeated firmly, "I said no, Arnav. I just told you because... because I don't know." I sighed irritated at my changing feelings. "I guess because lately, I've been telling you my secrets more than anyone else and I needed to say it out loud so I could believe it."

For the longest while after, he didn't response. I hoped it meant he would stop convincing me to tell my parents why I wasn't ready to marry. Still, he asked. "Who?"

"Hmm?"

He expanded, "Do you know who the guy is?"

"It's not set but does it matter? Whoever the guy is, it's not as if I would ever fall in love with him or anything."

He added further, "You're only eighteen."

"Nineteen." I corrected and he glared back at me. I know - as if being 18 or 19 made a huge different. It was one and the same: too young to be getting married.

He asked, voice filled with concern. "Are you really okay with this?"

"I have two years to find out."

I honestly did not know if I could handle this. Surely, I wasn't ignorant to the fact that getting married would eventually mean physical intimacy. Right now, I can't bear any guy touching me. Everything else was off the table by default.

"I'm confused."

I briefly explained, "I made my dad promise that he wouldn't set the marriage date until after I graduate. It roughly gives me two years."

There was a change in his eyes that I did not understand. I questioned him through raising my brow but he shook his head and didn't answer. I didn't get to press him over it as Martha came out to prepare breakfast as it's almost 6.

She smiled at us noticing we were awake and greeting us a good morning, continued on her way towards the kitchen. He got up and left for his room, probably to get ready for the day. Uninterested in watching news, I turned off the TV and followed Martha to the kitchen.

I had come out to eat, after all.

I spent the day with Martha and Annie as everyone else left for trekking. I ended up playing games with Annie till she took her afternoon nap and I got the time to study. She woke up within an hour and given I still had to study, we tried to convince her to learn to write her alphabets. She insisted on reading a book, however, and more than her reading, she managed to get me to read it for her.

I didn't catch it until we were on the last page. Martha laughed, letting me know she was well aware of Annie's sneaky ways.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

One evening, Kripa carried the load of clothes back to the apartment from the laundromat on the ground floor and dropped the basket on the couch in a huff. I glanced up to thank her but she scolded, "Did you drop your entire wardrobe for wash or what?!"

I mocked her, "And you claimed you go to the gym daily."

She defended, "I don't lift weights! That's Arnav's department."

No, no. I do not need to imagine that.

She started to fold my clothes when I said, "Leave it, Kripa. I'll do it later."

She laughed, "Later meaning in two weeks? I think not."

Okay, maybe she did have a point. I had the tendency to leave the unfolded clothes in the basket and just pull my outfits from it daily till it was empty and there were no clean clothes. Then, I'd dump them all in washing and repeat the process.

"As long as we're agreed you're doing this out of your will." I let it be known so she won't pull this favor later and ask for me to do something in return when she needed it. However, I knew not to keep hopes. She would still pull this out of the basket of favors she carried around in that sharp memory of hers.

A while later, she questioned in confusion, "Did our laundries get mixed up?"

"Not sure how that would happen."

"But this shirt..."

I looked up from working out my equations to the couch where she was. She held that shirt whose owner was still a mystery to me and I imagine it will remain as much my entire lifetime.

"It's mine," I answered not remembering when I had dropped it in the wash. Probably when I had picked up the entire tangle of clothes off the floor of my closet and dumped it in the basket not bothering to separate them out.

"Are you sure?' She glanced up dubiously, "I'd swear it's Arnav's."

I laughed at the absurdity, "Ofcourse, it's mine. You know I own larger shirts."

"Yeah, but..." She tried to argue and I couldn't understand why she was insisting. I noticed her finger trail over the logo on his breast pockets, "this logo..."

"What?" I questioned when she didn't finish.

She shook her head and folded it, "Nothing, sorry I asked."

I narrowed my eyes at her a second longer but she placed the shirt in a pile and continued folding the rest.

Weird.

I know the brand logo matched her dress from Valentine's night. Then itself, I had noticed the similarities but I didn't understand her concern now. It was just a logo of some fashion house.

I pushed it out of my head and focused on my homework again. Finals were just around the corner and I needed to get homework out of the way so I could start studying for the cumulative finals.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .