Dedicated to aashi. I'm not sure if you are on wattpad but thank you for supporting me on tapas! It means much <3

Edited on May 16th, 2018.

| . . . C H A P T E R . . . 1. 2 1 : F A L S E - M E S S A G E S . . . |

I received a text message just before I was about to sleep.

Arnav: How are you?

I returned the phone to my side desk deciding to ignore it. Turning off the lights, I slid down in bed. Minutes passed. I turned to my right. Three worded question rummaging through my brain. He could message to ask but not show up?

I turned to my left.

Why do I want him to show up anyway? I'm mad at him. We aren't even friends now.

Again, minutes later, I move to lay on my back.

This is ridiculous. A part of me keeps nagging at me to pick up my phone and answer.

I hate that I give into that nagging and appear weak.

I considered sending many things. I'm okay or what do you care? or none of your business or don't text me. At the end, I figured all of my words sounded salty. I didn't want him thinking he affected me or my moods. So, I settled on one worded answer to not give away anything.

Khushi: Fine.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I woke up around 9 instead of 6ish seeing today was a Saturday. As per habit, I checked my phone. There was a message from Arnav roughly 9 minutes ago.

Arnav: Did you eat?

Oh, God.

Does he not know that I know he kissed Amanda? Maybe I should tell him so he'll stop messaging.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Monday morning, Kripa was at her lab and mines was canceled. Riddhima was off to her class too. I checked the fridge but it was empty except for a frozen pizza. I wasn't in the mood of reheating something frozen. I wanted actual food.

I looked through the menus we had in one of the drawers from when we'd order in. None of them appealed to my appetite.

I find some vegetables and placing them on the counter, I eyed them. What am I to make of them? Maybe it's time to learn to cook.

I heard the front door open just then and felt hopeful. "Kripa? Is that you?"

She was my life saver when it came to feeding me.

I heard a familiar voice, though not Kripa's. "No, it's me." Seconds later, Arnav appeared from around the corner towards the kitchen. Seeing me holding the cabbage in one hand and potato in another, he cautiously asked, "Don't tell me you're cooking?"

I glared, "Why, is there a ban on my cooking?"

He laughed. Laughed? Does he not know things are not okay between us? "No, sweet pea, but there should be. I've heard one too many stories of your failed attempts."

I scowled at Kripa for sharing too much with her cousin. "Yeah, well, practice makes perfect." I repeated a common saying in an attempt to save my dignity.

He placed his bag on the dining table and entered the kitchen. "Need help?"

I placed the items on the counter and brushed my hands against each other, "Don't bother. Not hungry anymore."

As I turned to leave, I heard him sigh. Yeah, well, he should have expected resistance. With my back still facing him, I momentarily paused to instruct. "And stop texting me."

I took a step away when he answered, "No."

I gaped. Did he just...? I turned to him, hands on my hips. "What'd you just say?"

Crossing his arms over his chest, he walked slowly towards me, "You're welcome to not respond but I am going to keep texting you and reminding you to eat." He stopped a foot away, "Someone's got to take care of you, don't you think?"

I glared into his eyes, "'Take care'? I'm not your responsibility. I can take care of myself just fine."

He challenged, "That's why you ended up in a hospital bed?"

I fisted my palm and unclenched it, choosing to release some of my anger with it. "Okay, you know what? Suit yourself. Text me one more time and I'll just block you."

He dared to smirk, "You wouldn't resort to such pettiness."

Okay, he had me there. "Then I'll just change my number."

Amusement only continued to rise with my answers, "All that for me? I feel important."

I smirked back confusing him, "You're right. I can't be sending false messages. I'll just ignore you like you previously suggested."

He looked stumped as I turned on my heel, having the last word, and retreating to the solace of my room.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

-Two Weeks Later-

A hand snapped in front of me, forcing me to blink away from where I had been staring for the last couple of minutes. My eyes flickered towards Aaron in annoyance, "What?"

He held an amused smile, "I should be asking you that. You're staring."

I scoffed, "I was not staring. My eyes just chose that spot to stop and think back to all the reasons why I hate him."

Aaron followed my previous line of 'staring' towards Arnav and then back at me. He was with a girl I didn't recognize. This was probably the fifth time I had seen him on campus this week - since our last conversation on Monday.

Throughout the week, he'd message atleast three times a day: breakfast, lunch, dinner. I ignored the messages, as I told him. But, I would be lying if I said I remembered to eat all on my own. Sometimes, right after his messages, I would remember what time it was and wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I would pause to eat.

I really did not want to scare everyone again with anything happening to my health and fainting again.

But, I would never admit that to Arnav.

Aaron questioned, "Honestly, what did he do to go from best friend to worst enemy? You can't still be stuck on those rumors surely?"

That felt like ages ago. Since then, I had so many other reasons to hate him.

"Don't be ridiculous. He was not my best friend and he is not my worst enemy either. My best friend is Riddhima and my worst enemy is V..." I trailed off suddenly realizing where my line of thought was going. I had gotten so comfortable around Aaron that I never stopped to think of my words before they'd blubber out of my mouth.

Aaron insisted for me to continue, "Who?"

I shook my head, "No one. Forget it."

He returned to Arnav, "So, what did he do? Kripa doesn't seem to want to talk about him either."

I shrugged, "Kripa's reasons, I do not know. You'd have to ask her"

He pressed, "And your reasons? Whom should I ask other than you to get that answer?"

I hoped he wouldn't catch on but just my luck. "You could ask the only other person to know."

He laughed, scared. "Yeah, right. Like I would ever approach him."

I sympathized, "Aww, well. Looks like you'll never find out why then."

He spoke in defeat, "You two are so confusing. One minute, he looks like he wants to skin me alive for being your friend and talking to you. Next minute, he looks like he's least bothered. The third, it's almost like he's grateful that you have me. And you, one minute he gets on your nerves and the next, you get this sad look in your eyes. It's so hard to keep track of you two."

I tried to not pay attention to him and changed topics, "You know, you should focus this much on your relationship with Kripa."

He laughed, "Oh, trust me, babe. Whenever I am not hanging out with you, that's all I seem to be thinking about."

I teased, "Aww! Someone's got it bad!"

He blushed adorably but tried to cover it up by rolling his eyes, "Whatever, I wasn't being serious, you know? Anyway, there's this party tonight. You're coming, right?

"Nope."

"You have to! Kripa won't come otherwise."

"Chill, dude. I know for a fact she is going just like I know for a fact I am not going. I am going to be in my room, catching up on sleep and studies."

His shoulders slumped, "Like there is a chance Arnav would let her go by herself." I tried to point out but he dismissed it, "And don't say she won't be by herself because I will be with her. Arnav does not count me as company."

I tried to explain, "Aaron, you know what happened at Valentine's party. I do not want to be around parties. Just thinking about them makes me sick and if you don't already know, hospitals are my least favorite place in the entire world to end up at."

"How do we get from parties to hospitals?"

"Dumbo, there'll be alcohol at these parties! I might not willingly drink but who know what is spiked? I am not taking a chance. So, you and Kripa have fun. If Arnav has a problem... well then, Kripa should deal with it. It's her life. He can't make decisions for her. He's not her father."

He grumbled something about saying that to Arnav but I didn't specifically pay attention. As I was mentioning him my eyes seemed to have involuntarily decided to look out of the café to search for him again. He was still where he had been earlier. Only, he wasn't just talking to the girl. They were awfully close to one another. I couldn't see him as his back was facing me, but I could only bite the inside of my cheek when it looked like they were about to kiss.

Anger flared my veins as blood pounded twice its speed.

Right now, I don't care that it isn't Amanda. I care that he seems to have a girlfriend and yet he is kissing someone else.

What kind of a person is he?!

"I gotta to," I stood up cutting off whatever Aaron was saying. "Have fun tonight."

He quickly followed me outside, yelling. "Khushi, come on. You have to come!"

I could just punch this idiot right now. I hadn't wanted Arnav to know I was around since I didn't think he had looked inside the windows of the café. Now though, I would not be surprised if he had seen us.

After walking ahead for a few seconds, keeping my eyes ahead, I gave in to the urge of looking back to see if he had seen us. Sure enough, his eyes had been following me. Our eyes locked for barely a second before I looked ahead and continued walking.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Just as I stuck the key in the keyhole to enter the apartment, my phone vibrated in my back pocket. After getting inside and locking the door behind me, I pulled it out to check who it was.

Arnav.

As I had been doing this week, I ignored it. I didn't even open the message thread to check what it said. I grabbed a chilled bottle of water from the kitchen before going to my room.

It isn't until I unlock my phone to turn on music that I realized there were two more messages from him, which I ignored s well. I left my phone on silent and laid down in bed for a nap.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Edited on May 16th, 2018.

| . . . C H A P T E R. . . 1. 2 1 .5 : B A C K - I N - T I M E . . . |

"Khushi, come on. You have to come!"

I pulled away before Beth had the chance to kiss me on hearing Khushi's name and looked around for her to see her a few steps away from the café walking away from Aaron. She had seen this, no doubt.

I shut my eyes in regret before I looked in her direction again on realizing how she could have interpreted this. I had been trying to dodge Beth's advances but she kept trying.

Two weeks, since I had kissed Amanda, since Lavanya's disapproval at my actions, I had stayed away from girls. I had tried to sort my mistakes. I went to that party, begging Lavanya to come with me, just so I could explain things to Khushi and clear everything. But, that did not go so well. I'd forgotten I'd promised her I wouldn't approach her in public.

Right now, even though I wanted to go after her, I held myself back. I couldn't when I had promised her I wouldn't. I might have forgotten the night of the Valentine's day ball but I wouldn't forget that again.

Then with all that advice from Lavanya, I had tried to do that. Texting her. Trying to return in her life bit by bit but she wasn't giving me an inch. After that night ending with her in a hospital bed, I continued reaching out to her but she ignored me. And it was getting too much.

My uncle had given me time to make my decision regarding his friend's business. He wanted me to invest in it but let him handle his friends' business. He claimed it would allow him to work again with his old friend like in his younger days. He was trying to make it sound sentimental but I knew him. He was the farthest from a sentimental person. All his moves were cold and calculated.

He was trying to control me and my future. He could see the turnover from the work di and I had started - AR Designs. The fashion house was working its way up the charts in India and now, my uncle wanted to claim stakes on it - afraid that if it becomes too much a success, he'd be left with nothing.

This might not be a thing to be proud about, but since my teenage days, I've used physical relationship as a coping means for my emotional troubles. I chose to not express my emotions and then turn to girls in an unhealthy fashion.

Two weeks, I put up with all that I could and the first compromising position I get myself in just for a moment - she happened to be there to witness it.

Why?

Even when nothing happened with Beth, there is this heavy guilt inside of me knowing how it must have looked to Khushi. I wanted to clear the misunderstanding but would she let me? Did she care for it?

I excused myself from Beth and walked away to the parking lot.

My subconscious nagged at me. Are you filled with regret because you couldn't be better or because she caught you?

But she can't catch me when I wasn't doing anything wrong! And anyway, did it have to be one or the other?

Couldn't it be both?

I knew what Lavanya would say... I can't claim to care for Khushi and keep up with my patterns with girls to cope because I couldn't express it to Khushi.

Lavanya keeps wanting me to be better... but I have had that pressure on me since I was a child, since Anjali and I lost our parents in one car accident. I tried then to hide my sorrows for Anjali's sake. Then as a teenager, I had to see her suffer through the aftereffects of being raped followed by everything with Aarav and my decision to open the shelter.

Now, my uncle.

It just didn't stop.

One after another, they kept coming wanting me to break and they are succeeding and the one person I need by my side continues to walk away from me. The one person I think who is capable of keeping me together despite being unable to gather herself up from her own trauma is the one I cannot turn to because of my own doings that pushed her away. How can I expect her to understand anything I am dealing with?

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

When Khushi ignored the third message in a row, I couldn't help myself from going over to the apartment. Using my set of keys, I get inside the apartment before knocking lightly on her door. She doesn't answer. I listened closely as I'm not even sure if she came back to the apartment or went somewhere else.

I heard a whimper.

Drawing my forehead, I listened again hoping I was just hearing things.

No.

It came again.

Forget the knocking. I twisted the door knob to enter.

She was on her bed, sleeping but not peacefully. The terrors hadn't left her. I should have known. I didn't have any right to but I couldn't just stand there and watch her struggle. My heart ached seeing her as such. Cautiously, I approached her and creating a space by the edge of the bed, I sat next to her and held her hand.

My other hand reached her face to wake her up. Before I could even say her name, she trashed around and slapped my wrist away. I had to fight her to keep my hold on her cheek and shake her awake. I hated her vulnerable face, her wet eyes in sleep, her pleas that resulted from the nightmares.

I whispered desperately needing for her to hear my voice, "Sweet pea..."

She whined, her eyes remained shut tightly and spoke incoherently.

My hand moved up to wipe her tears streaming down the side of her face before it brushed her hair behind her ear and placing my thumb on her cheekbone, caressing it. "Come back to me..."

She struggled to open her eyes but seconds later, they fluttered open. I let out a worried breath I had been holding back just as she inhaled sharply as her eyes met the ceiling and she seemed relieved herself to be awake and away from that torturous memories.

Feeling my touch, she tensed and her eyes traveled to mines. "Arnav." She said my name and I'd never be able to tell her how much I liked my name coming from her voice. It was rare she called me by my first name. Else, she would say my last name as if in a way to disregard me carelessly, or annoyed at me.

She pushed to sit up and my hand fell away from her cheek. I missed having her close by but save once or twice, we've never had that intimacy. Even those times I hugged her, it was to get her back to reality. But with us... it wasn't about that physical closeness, was it?

There was this emotional tie with her that was different than anything I'd ever experienced.

She demanded, "What are you doing here?"

I asked softly, "Did you not get my messages?" I wanted to demand, actually, but I knew when not to push her buttons.

"I dozed off," she curtly said though made no attempts to reach for her phone to check - proving again that she would continue to ignore me.

If only it was that easy for me to do.

I suppose I'd have to tell her what I had asked in the very last message. "I was wondering if you wanted to go to the shelter with me. I'm going there for the weekend."

It hadn't been the original plan but that was the first place we'd connected, the first time she started to trust me. I didn't know what I was hoping to gain here but it was something that I am craving.

To go back to that time and place where I hadn't fucked up anything.

I didn't even know if it would work... but you know what? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

She threw me a sideward glare and I understood the meaning clearly. What makes you think I'll go anywhere with you?

She was right to have nothing to do with me. If only I could let her go though. She might not feel for me the way I felt for her but I couldn't stop.

Even if things remained as such between us, I supposed I needed to be proud of her for staying her stance and remaining to her beliefs. If only I could have done that.

"I know you want nothing to do with me but Jennifer and Angel insisted I bring you by." I said a small white lie but I was sure they would love to see her again. "I'll understand if you don't want to come though. I'll make up some excuse."

She was silent for some time and I stayed seeing she was deciding. "I wish I could go and I am not making an excuse. I really did plan on sleeping and studying."

I tried still, "You can bring your books. You can study there too, only if you really want to visit, ofcourse."

Hesitantly, she asked. "When are you going?"

I started feeling hoping with her questions, "In about an hour." I could be ready to go in five minutes if asked. I'd just have to throw together a couple pair of clothes. But that might be desperate and she might get suspicious.

"And Kripa?"

I grumbled, "She'd much rather go to the party with your friend."

She scolded, "His name is Aaron and what problem do you have with him? Can't you be happy for Kripa?"

"I am happy for her!"

She shook her head in disbelief. How do I express my reasons for not wanting Kripa to get attached to Aaron? He might not be a bad guy but at the end of the day, it didn't mean anything when it wouldn't last.

"Whatever. I'll go. Only because they are nice people and they invited me."

I understood this was her way of letting me know she wasn't going to be talking much to me even if she was coming with me.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Sitting in the car, driving, I was amused when Khushi started sifting through her flashcards. She narrowed her eyes and scolded, "What? I've got an exam on Monday! Don't look at me like that."

I pointed out, "You know you stress too much?

These weren't even final exams for the semester. She was still a freshman. I wondered what would happen to her when she gets where I am, a Junior. At the same time, the thought crossed my mind that I wouldn't be with her during her entire journey at university. I only had one more semester to go and then a semester of internship.

"Easy for geniuses like you to say. Exams are not a thing to be taken lightly."

"You're smart too, sweet pea. You don't need to be stressing out this much." I told her. She considers me smart because I know about the real world but that is only because I have been a part of it since I was 16 - since the year Anjali started AR designs.

I'm almost 21 now. She was 19. She would get there eventually. She had nothing to worry about being left behind. She did well off in her classes from what Kripa's told me.

"Whatever," she made a quick comment, ending the conversation there and returned to studying her flashcards. Looks like she wasn't making an excuse after all t not go with me. She did have to study.

It took us a while to get there given I was trying to not speed too much - even though 80 mph would count as speeding on the speed limit of 65 mph. She didn't really comment over it though so I figured it was okay to continue driving at that speed.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

The front door of the house opened just as I turned off the front lights of the car. It was dark outside given it was 7 in the evening. If I were to bet, I'd say they were waiting for the arrival probably sitting by the window gazing out since I had called Martha to let her know half hour before we were going to leave that we were coming.

As had become a sort of ritual between Angel and I, she ran towards me, her hands up in the air. I picked her up effortless and it was impossible to fight my lips from turning up in a smile.

She giggled even though she was almost being smothered in a tight hug. She spoke loudly in my ear, "I missed you, Arnie!"

I winced just a bit even as her actions made me laugh. I spoke softly bopping my forehead against hers. "I missed you too, Angel."

She pouted, rubbing her tiny forehead with her tiny palm. "Ow!" She complained, "Mean, Arnie." Then, just as quickly, her attention turned to Khushi and she leaned over to her, "You came!"

Khushi was surprised but caught her in her arms just in time. At first, I was hesitant to let go given how awkwardly she was holding Annie. Then, she relaxed and I eased up on my tensed state as well, pulling away.

"Hey Annie, how are you?"

"Good. I like playing with you." Annie got straight to the point.

Khushi laughed and it was melodious - also rare for her to laugh - one that wasn't a forced one. "I enjoy playing with you too. You know, you invent the best games ever."

Annie grinned at the compliment and taking her finger, pulled her indoors. I hugged everyone else and talking to them, followed behind.

Martha entered from the kitchen, "Ah, you made it. Bit late, don't you think?"

I admitted, "I was trying to keep my speed in control." Else anytime I came, it was just me. I didn't have to worry much about keeping my speed in control.

She spared a look towards Khushi and smiled. It wasn't a teasing one that she'd usually use with me. It was sincere, as if she were happy for me. If only she knew things weren't okay between Khushi and I.

Martha observed coming to sit next to me, "She likes it here."

"Yeah... she does, doesn't she?" I answered looking in the distance to her talking to Jennifer so comfortably as if they talked everyway. Blinking away, I asked, "What's for dinner? I'm starving."

"Your favorite."

My eyes widened in surprise. Aaloo poori. "You made it?"

"I tried," She said shrugging her shoulders, "Indian food is not my forte, you know. It's probably nothing like how Anjali makes it."

I put an arm around her shoulder to convince her, "Trust me, I'll love it just as much. Now give me my food!" She raised a brow at my order and I quickly added, "Please?"

She eased up on her glare and cheekily said, "Only because you said please."

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |

Arnav's desperation to want things between them to be as they were before he messed up :(

It's not much different but leave your thoughts! <3