Posted: April 17th, 2018

♛ Jhanvi ♛

∞ author note ∞

Hello everyone! I think I should just start each note by apologizing for long delays between chapters. I can't tell you how crazy grad school can be! There's not enough hours in a day.

BUT, this is a SUPER long update - ~8200 words. So, take your time reading it and processing it. TONS of things happen.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

2.29 House of the Rising Son

         Aarush continues to remain silent but it is important for me to know what reason he has to be here, what reasons he has for coming back... just because I am in danger? He knew I would have a tough time here 3 months ago as well when he warned me to be careful. So, why now?

I press for an answer, "Why are you here?"

"We... uh, that radical group your Aunt mentioned. They seem to be resurfacing again so, my job isn't done like we thought."

Is that it? I search his face in the dark for any signs of deception. I question the first thought that comes to mind, "Why do I feel like you're not telling me everything?"

"You question too much," he says in an attempt to dismiss my worried as baseless.

I shake my head, refusing to let him talk me into thinking that, "One too many people have lied to me my entire life, Aarush. I don't know what it is, but my gut is telling me that I am not wrong. You are hiding something from me. You have been hiding something since the first day and I am not just imagining this."

He exhales in defeat, stepping back. "Nothing that I am not telling you will put you in harm's way."

I drop the topic in slight irritation, "Fine, you never gave me proper answers anyway." Why should today be any different? "I guess you'll be here till your job ends so I'll leave you to it."

"Jhanvi..."

"Turn around," I instruct no longer interested in listening to what he has to say for I am sure of one thing; whatever it is, it is not going to be a direct answer to my question. It's not going to be what I want to hear. I didn't much like it when Aarav used to do that with me in the beginning and I don't much like it now with Aarush hell bent on doing the same.

Reluctantly, he turns his back to me and this time, I change in a couple of minutes.

I inform when I am ready for bed, "Feel free to sneak back out."

I don't hear him leaving. I never did hear him walking about. He was always light with his footing, which is ironic given his build. Leaving the outfit hanging on the screen, I walk to the bed in the dark and slide under the covers, shifting the pillows and letting out a sigh as my back meets the soft mattress and all tension sinks away.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          I wake up in the middle of the night as per routine the past months on hearing Inaaya wailing. I force my eyes open to sit up, mumbling. "One second, baby." This is why I wish she would be next to me instead of in a cradle but having no one on her other side, I cannot let her sleep on the bed. With the cradle at some distance from the bed, it takes quite a lot of effort to get out of bed to reach her when my body is just begging for the opposite.

As I push the blanket aside and move my legs towards the floor, I hear the mobile atop the cradle moving before I hear him, "I got her. You can go back to sleep."

I still get out of bed and walk over to the cradle where he is standing holding Inaaya. I take her from him in my arms and rock her. "No, this is not your job."

"Jhanvi..."

I turn my back to him, moving Inaaya to my shoulder and patting her back. "Leave, Aarush. And, don't sneak into my room again in the middle of the night."

I expect him to leave without a protest like many times previously, but he walks around me to stand in front of me, "Don't be so stubborn. You can barely stand on your own; you are that tired."

I do not hold back on the hostility in my hissed whisper, "She is my daughter. She is my responsibility and no one else's. I'll take care of her."

He still fights me by taking her back in his arms, his large hand supporting her neck and the other holding her gently. "And you made her my godchild even when I didn't ask for it. Now quit taking out your anger for me on yourself and go back to sleep."

I find myself gaping at the time being at the tone he uses, as if an adult scolding a child for being immature. Also, it may be the first time I am ever seeing him loose his cool... or even speak this much in such a strong tone when otherwise, he always seems to filter his thoughts.

I open my mouth to snap back at him for the sake of it but his authoritative tone makes me rethink. "Go!"

Reluctantly, I mumble in gratitude, "Thank you," and walk back to the bed. For a second, I watch as he walks back and forth in the dark room, making quiet sounds whispering something to her and patting her back rhythmically to put her back to sleep.

I distinctly remember him telling me once the bed time stories he would be telling her would be about guns. A faint smile spreads on my lips despite my anger at him from earlier in the night. Surely, he isn't telling her how to assemble a gun but still... that guy months ago and this person in front of me, they seem to be two different people morphed in the same body.

Somewhere, whether he admits it or not - whether I see it or not, he has changed.

I only last watching him make two rounds back and forth before I drift back to sleep, not waking up again until mid-morning.

Everyone is right.

I am exhausted.

And nothing good comes out of being burnt out.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

         As one of the servants is serving me breakfast in the morning, I am interrupted with a message from another, "Rani sa, the heads of the villages are here to see you."

My brows narrow, "Now?"

What do they want so early in the morning? I imagine my day isn't going to get better from this point. Their visit never puts me in a good mood.

I nod at her, pushing my plate aside to stand up. Breakfast will have to wait. "Seat them in the living area." I take the back staircase to return to my room changing from my casual clothes to a top and dress pants. I wasn't dressed for company today.

Given Inaaya is awake and flailing about in her cradle, her tiny hands hitting the mobile and playing on her own, I take her with me rather than leaving her here unattended. Walking down the stairs to the living room, I send a nod of greeting towards the group of 7 as they stand up to greet me back.

Only one of them speaks English and hence, he is the one to talk for all of them even when I have often expressed that I do understand and speak Hindi. "Rani sa, we apologize for disturbing you so early in the morning. The matter simply could not wait."

I wave at them to have a seat and taking a seat myself, putting Inaaya in my lap, I answer. "It's fine, Mr. Khatri. What is this about?"

The middle-aged person looks around at his companions before his gaze fixes on me again. "There's no point beating around the bush here... we are wondering how serious you are about your coronation."

"How serious? I don't understand the question, Mr. Khatri. This is all under my name already."

"Yes, ofcourse. You were named the heir... however, if you plan on staying at the palace, it would be better if you were to be coronated as per the traditions our ancestors have always followed."

I question, "What would be the point of this coronation show, Mr. Khatri? You and your friends have made it known many times that I hold no real power, isn't it?"

His jaw clenches, "That very well may be, Rani sa. Regardless, you are still the royal head and we follow our traditions. Your father would have been coronated too if he hadn't chosen to leave and renounce his role by default. You do have the same option, ofcourse."

Ah. Now I see what this is. A ploy to get me to leave by not so subtly hinting at it. I really don't understand... why is everyone so threatened by me? I have never harmed them. I have never demanded anything of them. I am not here to take away their influence from the area or claim anything. I am simply here because this is my home.

Why do I need their approval to live in my own home?

I try to keep the anger at bay while answering in a clipped tone, "Very well. If a pretend coronation needs to take place for my non-existent power in order to stay in my palace, then have at it."

With that, I indirectly make it clear that this is my home and I am not going to simply leave it behind. They have another thing coming if they think I will be easily intimidated by threats.

A year ago, I may have easily left, but the person I am now refuses to go down without a fight.

I expected him to falter, and so his grin confuses me. "Perfect. We'll spread the news in the community that we'll have our Rani sa soon. We should also consult a priest for the most auspicious time to hold the coronation."

Absentmindedly, I nod and fold my hand together in a parting sign as they all stand up and take their cue to leave. They are happy I am choosing to stay...? Something is not right here... else those who has never missed a chance to taunt me could not have just held this talk with me without throwing a single amiss comment my way.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          There is a knock on my door as I am folding up my clothes. I turn to see Ishaan. He takes a step in and politely says, "Hi, di. Sorry to bother you."

"No, no. What's up?" I ask, not having one too many conversations with him. I have just seen him hanging out with Arshiya at events and I know they go to the same school.

"I wanted to ask if I could have the keys to the terrace?"

"Terrace? Did you want to see the view? You know, you'll get a much better view from..." I start to say when he shakes his head.

"No, not for that. Actually, I planned something for Siya. So..."

Understanding he is talking about Arshiya as I have heard him call her Siya a few times, I smile and nod. "Yeah, ofcourse." I walk over to my side table where there is a set of keys. I haven't been to every room so ofcourse there are a few unlabeled keys in the bunch but I know the key to the terrace door should be labeled.

He adds as I am looking for it, "Oh, and we were planning on going around the palace exploring. She loves things like that. Do you want to join if you're not doing anything?"

I find the right key and removing it from the bunch, walk back to him. "Sure, I'll be free in like half hour?"

He nods taking the key, "Perfect. Thanks."

I smile back at him. then, he turns and starts walking out of the room.

Just as he reaches the door, I ask, "Ishaan?"

He stops and turns to face me, "Yes, di?"

"Do you love her?"

His forehead pulls together for a second in confusion before replying, "Arshiya?" When I give a light nod, he continues, "Why does everyone think that? No. She isn't someone I love. She is love. I don't know if that makes sense."

Before I returned to India and met Aarav, I wouldn't have understood what Ishaan meant. Today, I do. In the past year certainly, I have seen different shades of love. And, to be honest, I think it is wonderful seeing the bonding the two of them share even though the two of them could not be any more different. It could be that the two have been a part of each other's lives through everything. Because, after all, Arshiya's life has not ben easy from what I have been told.

And, Arshiya... there is no binding her to something or someone. She is a free spirit. I doubt she has given romantic love a place in her life yet. She keeps saying she has much more important things she wants to do in her life. Her life has taught her to take each moment as a precious one - as if it were her last. And, if it were to be her last, she wants to spend that doing something meaningful. Maybe one day she will understand that finding love and having it in life can be meaningful in its own way - but until then.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          An hour later, we are going down a corridor after visiting a few unopened rooms when Arshiya asks stopping in front of a locked door, "Oo, what's in here?"

I shrug my shoulder, "Um, not sure. Looking at the condition of the door, I am going to say it hasn't been cleaned up yet." There were cobwebs and such on the handle.

I did not think she would, but she easily clears it away, "Here, let's see which key opens the door." Amused, I hand over the set of keys. Ishaan was right. She does love exploring. Else, no one would think that the girl who is always prim and proper and would not even lift a finger otherwise would get her hands dirty and have no qualms about entering a dusty, cobweb-filled room that must not have been opened in decades.

On top, the girl who is extremely impatient is in front of me, patiently trying each key. She must have tried atleast 15 different keys before finding the right one.

"Let me check first," I say being the adult here. It's a good thing Inaaya was sleeping and so I had left her in her crib in my room. Else, it would not be good to bring a newborn into a room filled with dust.

Finding a switchboard on the right wall upon entering, I turn on a switch but it does not work. The bulbs, ofcourse, need to be replaced. Ishaan offers his phone turning on the backlight, "Here."

Taking it, I scan the room as they slowly enter.

"A room full of historical paintings." Arshiya says, "San would be in heaven if she were here right now."

Ishaan replies, "Well, I guess nothing for us in here."

She counters, "Kidding? Do you have any idea what sort of history must be hidden in these paintings? No way am I leaving without taking a look around."

Ishaan sighs, "You call me a nerd but you're the one who turns into a geek at the name of history."

Arshiya rolls her eyes, "Shut up and follow me."

Ishaan pretends that he does not like to be forced but the fact that he does follow her deeper into a room without a single whine says a different story.

Roughly another half hour later, we are still in the same room. I was on the other side looking through the stacks on my own while Ishaan and Arshiya were on the right. Arshiya calls out, "Di, come here and look."

Turning away from the portrait of some king with his hand on his sword's hilt, I walk towards them. "What is it?"

"A family portrait of the royals from Chittor. Think of them as like the royals of all royals." She explains.

Ishaan challenges, "And where did you learn this?"

"Darlin, I know my history better than you so let's not argue okay?" She cheekily replies to him before demanding, "Hold this."

He takes his phone and points the light towards the painting even though it is not really needed since we've opened the windows by now and a decent light is entering the otherwise dark room.

Based on the brown aging of the frame, I assume this portrait must be a few generations old. It is clear who the King and Queen is based on their regal dressing and their position in the center of the painting. To their either sides are two couples - their children and their better-halves, perhaps. One couple has a child standing in front of them while another child - slightly older - is standing in front of the King and Queen. The King has his right hand on the boy's shoulder.

For a second, my heart turns heavy seeing an entire family in one picture. Three generations. If my father had stayed. If he wasn't the heartless person that he was. If he hadn't married my mother against her wish and ruined her life. Sure, I may not be born and all - but whatever family I would have been born into, it would have been a happy one.

I try not to think of things like this because I do have a good life right now. I have some amazing people in my life. It took some time, but it did happen. Still, it does not mean that at times, I do not get saddened by the lack of a good childhood.

I blink out of my thoughts when Ishaan asks, "Okay, no, seriously, how do you know which royal family this is?"

Arshiya crosses her arms over her chest raising a brow, "I will give you my secret because?"

He points out from past experience, "You'll tell me eventually so might as well save us both the time and energy."

Arshiya does not argue that knowing that herself, "Fine." She points towards the painting, "See, this? This is how."

"See what?" Ishaan asks before directing towards me, "See anything, di?"

"Not really..." I answer not noticing anything indicative.

She exhales, "Uff. Ishaan, get yours eyes checked. Your number must have gone up."

While he gapes, I chuckle, "Hey, I don' have glasses. I still don't know what you mean."

She moves her finger to point directly at the floor, "This! This symbol of burning sun. It's their royal crest. Every royal family has their crest drawn on the center of the throne room - which is where they are standing."

This time, neither of us question how she knows this. I simply take her word for it. I briefly remember passing by the throne room during my initial days here but I couldn't bring myself to go inside. I don't know why. I suppose, I thought it would remind me of my father and all his ill-deeds. So, I avoided going there... as if not going there would make me feel any less of a royal or his daughter.

Arshiya adds, "Sad what happened to the family though." Noticing my confused look, she explains, "Oh, that's right. You weren't in India. I remember watching it on the news. One night, some 8 or 9 years ago, I think, there was this terrible fire. They were having a huge event and something must have gone wrong, I guess. No one from the family survived."

I inhale sharply, getting goosebumps just hearing about it. Even though Arshiya did not put in the gory details, I must have an active imagination. How big must the fire be if no one from the family was able to survive it?

She corrects, "No, wait. This guy," she points to the small child in front of one of the couples, "Yeah, I think he survived. He was the 3rd in line and must have been my age or younger when this all happened. I can't remember his name right now. It was all over the news when it happened and nothing since. The older brother," she points to the boy in front of the King, "everyone was looking forward for him to be crowned. They said he would have changed how things were in this state."

I question that end part, "Is that even possible? I mean, look at me. I don't have any real power."

She shrugs her shoulder, "I don't know. That's what they said. I guess it might be different for him for many reasons. One, he was a guy. People here naturally give more respect to men - not fair - just how it is. Two, he was born and raised here; so, again, they'd respect him and take him to be their own. Three, like I said, his family was the royals of all royals. It would have been next to impossible for anyone in this state to have more power than him or go against him if he wanted the government to pass some law."

The way she puts it, it seems as if it would have been nice if he had survived the fire. Things for this state would be so much different. There would be no radicals. Majority of the ideologies people hold would not be so conservative. There could have been more open-mindedness and tolerance. It could have been a different world.

"Sounds like he had everything going for him." I find myself whispering the words.

Arshiya replies mimicking the quiet, sad voice, "And often, that is where we make our biggest mistake. In assuming that."

When I look at her not understanding what she means by that, blinking away from the picture of the boy, Ishaan adds, "We just know one narrative of a story. We have no idea what his life was like."

And then, I understand. Every story has different narratives and every person is made up of multiple stories. Knowing just one does not define something or someone in its entirety.

"Ironic, huh?" Arshiya remarks after a moment of silence, "The rising son's fate turns into ash because of the burning sun. I mean... well, you know what I mean."

She did not have to rephrase. The burning sun was their crest. Their symbol of pride and the irony to die getting wrapped up in one's own flames.

Starting to feel that I cannot handle any more conversation on the same topic - of death - I suggest, "I think I should go check on Inaaya. You two going to be okay on your own?"

Once they assure me they will be and that they won't get lost, I leave them to their adventure of unlocking history's many secrets.

But, just as a walk out of the room, I turn back to look at the portrait in the distance. From here, I cannot see any of the details - big or small. But the image of the fiery sun is fresh in my brain and that has me flashing back to a similar design I had seen on Aarush's chest a long time back.

Turning my back to it, I walk away.

What a coincidence.

But... I also know what Aarush says. There are no coincidences. So... what does this mean?

That feeling I always have that he is hiding something from me in particular along with whatever deep pain he keep bottled up inside of him... just what is that?

Once again, I find myself questioning who he is.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          I hear from Aarav by the end of the day that they would return the day after. The wedding was still on. Eva was reluctant but her grandmother insisted they not postpone it for it was something her husband wouldn't want - for them to be mourning when Eva had waited for years for this. I do say a prayer for his peace and for Eva... for her family to have the strength to go through this. I have never felt personal loss... never mourned my parents' death - it's a different matter that only recently did I find out that my father was still very much alive. I was too young and did not remember much of anything. But... if I am to assume the hurt I felt at my Aunt's betrayal and triple that, then maybe I might comprehend what Eva must be going through right now.

Like nothing will ever be the same... that life as she knew it has forever changed.

The entire day, I do not see Aarush anywhere in the palace. After walking out of that storage room full of paintings, I'd checked the security room but he was not there either. It's a bit unsettling, but then I wonder why that is.

Last night, I was the one who asked him to leave. So, even if he was somewhere around, he wasn't showing himself.

What am I feeling? And, am I allowed to feel what I am? I share so much with him. He knows a lot about me. But his life? I still know nothing about except that he is a captain in the army and what importance that position has in his life. I knew he had a past. But I knew nothing of what happened that was the reason he was aloof and so distant with everyone.

I used to be just like that. Only getting in things that was my business. Everything else, everyone else, I stayed away from so I could protect my heart from getting hurt again, from feeling betrayed again. But, Aarav and the entire Raizada family had changed that for me. I was no longer hurting over that. And it had only been a year of that. But... for Aarush? Who knows how long he has been carrying this around with him.

What was it about me that he would not just talk to me?

He doesn't deny that he is keeping things from me. Instead, he says that what he is hiding is not a danger to me. But, if it isn't, then why won't he just tell me? Why not just get it over with? I don't get a kick out of obsessing over it, but after the amount of times I have felt betrayal in my life, I don't think I can be held responsible for being adamant about wanting to know.

That night, after bathing Inaaya and putting her to bed, I take a warm bath myself, staying in a bit longer to relax. To not think.

Aarav. Aarush. Eva. All of them telling me I needed to take things easy.

I don't know how I reach this conclusion, but I do. By the time I decide to step out of the bath tub, I decide to ask Aarav if he could stay for a few days after Eva's wedding. I do not want to keep him from Annie so ofcourse, I'd love it for her to stay too if she doesn't have to return to Australia right away, but I do admit to myself that I do need help.

And Aarav... as it was, I had promised him he could stay a part of Inaaya's life always.

It would do us all good to spend some quality time together.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          As I am ruffling my damp hair, standing in front of the dresser, I notice the pendant on my chain hanging off the back. Holding it, I slide it around to rest between my collar bones again, gazing at it for a second in the mirror. My fingers leave my hair. For a second the thought of removing it off the chain crosses my mind. Then, just as quickly, I shake it away.

No.

Just because I am upset with him for the time being, I was not going to part with one of his memories. I don't know when over the months it became precious, but it had. The words he had said then always came back to give me courage and confidence every time I look at the pendant, helping me get through the tough days - just like holding the chain helped me feel my mom's love for me.

They both kept me going.

Tilting my head up to gather my wet hair, I put it in a braid before getting in bed and calling it a day.

All the worries for whatever these village heads are plotting against me can be pondered over tomorrow.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          It is with the observation that I did not wake up at night that I sit up in bed in the morning. Was it Aarush again? My head turns towards the crib but finding it empty, I panic. Pushing the covers aside at once, my first thought is to rush out of the room when I hear giggles coming from the washroom.

I push the door open and take a step inside for relief to rush back to me.

She is okay.

Aarush turns his head in my direction, his eyes traveling up my length to meet mine before he gently smiles at me, but a little hesitantly as if hoping I was still not mad at him. His face, it looks so tired. His eyes are proof of his lack of sleep. I don't understand why he would do this. Right now, his actions and words do not match.

He is a walking contradiction.

What does he want from me?! I tell him to leave, but he won't. Neither will he tell me what I want to hear. What am I supposed to do?

Perhaps noticing the fear in my eyes, he speaks while turning back to Inaaya and holding out his palm for her to place his wooden boat in it. "She had a light fever so I thought I'd put her in a bath. Cool her down."

As soon as I hear the word fever, I close the distance between the entrance of the washroom and the bath tub to reach her. Kneeling beside him, the back of my fingers finds its way to her tiny forehead.

The temperature was not high. While I relax just a little, he adds. "She's okay..." When I don't respond, he adds in a quiet voice. "Sorry for the scare."

Finally, I let my head nod lightly to convey it was okay though somewhere... it was not. I get if he didn't wake me up because he did not want to disturb my sleep but this is my daughter. He should have certainly woken me up instead of deciding to handle this himself.

I express, "Thank you," though a bit forcefully as I grab a towel to get her out of the bath as the water is no longer warm.

After I gather Inaaya and stand up to leave, I faintly hear him sigh. I don't have time to worry about his feelings as I dry Inaaya and check her temperature again. I worry more about Inaaya and lay her on the bed before walking to drawers to get her fresh clothing.

He follows slowly, not seeming concerned about being spotted by the cameras today. "Do you want me to call a doctor?"

I open my mouth to deny when I realize this is about Inaaya. Despite our last conversation, I can't let my child suffer for it. "Just arrange for a car and a driver to takes us to the hospital."

Given it is still the crack of the dawn, I don't feel right asking a doctor over for a house call. He nods and taking his phone out of his pocket, dialing a number, steps out of the room.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          After a quick check up, the male doctor informs, "It's mild fever, nothing to worry about. It happens when babies first start teething. It's early given her age but that's all that is."

I question the lack of time he had taken in a proper check-up, "Are you sure?"

He smiles softly and asks, though I imagine it is to indulge me, "Is she more irritable than normal? Fussier?"

"Yes, a little."

"Trouble sleeping?"

"Yeah."

He concludes, "Happens because of the pain in the gums. Simply get her a teether to help with the pain and cool baths should help the fever."

"Oh, okay." I answer feeling silly that I rushed her to a doctor. I have read so many books on growing babies in my downtown during pregnancy. I should have known this.

He seems to catch for embarrassment for he makes an attempt, "Don't worry, beta. For first time mothers, even the slightest change makes them anxious. Better to be careful than not, right?"

I smile back at his kindness, "Thank you, doctor."

He nods, bidding me a good day, and I walk out of the room holding Inaaya. I pat her head, kissing her forehead and she hides her face in the crook of my neck. The fever seems to be tiring her out.

Seeing us coming out, Aarush leans off the side of the car where he had been waiting and takes a couple of steps towards uss. As I reach him, he asks. "What did he say?"

"Nothing to worry about," I pass on, continuing to walk around him. Reaching the car, he holds the back door open for me while I get inside with Inaaya. She's close to dozing off.

Quietly, he closes the door as if noticing that as well so as to not disturb her.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          I spend the entire afternoon with Inaaya looking after her. Even when she is asleep, I stay close by in case she wakes up. I have been running around trying to focus on so many things I feel as if I am not giving enough attention to her. Now and again, I keep getting questions about things related to the sangeet and mehndi ceremonies happening tomorrow. Eventually, I get irritated and tell the workers I am not the wedding planner and they need to stop running every small thing by me instead of consulting the wedding planner.

Really, what am I paying the wedding planner for if her people are going to keep asking me these questions?

Close to evening, Mr. Khatri arrives again with a priest. I look at the priest impatiently, wanting him to do his calculations quick and just tell which day and time would be auspicious for the coronation ceremony. Out of the corner of my eye, towards the entrance, I catch Aarush walking in.

I find it suspicious when he hides the second he realizes I have company.

I am sure he has been walking around the palace in the past few days and as such, the workers must have seen him at some point. Why is he hiding now?

I blink to the priest when he speaks, "Three days from today, on the 10th at noon."

Mr. Khatri questions, "Three days? That's soon, isn't it?"

"A time as such won't come again for the next seven months."

"Oh."

I interrupt their back and forth conversation, "I don't think it's a problem. We'll be having the wedding here a day before as it is. The palace will already be decorated. Just gather a few people. Give me a list of ingredients for the ceremony and let's do this."

Mr. Khatri expresses his hesitance, "But will you have the time?"

"Mr. Khatri, you heard pandit ji. Next date is after seven months. Spread the word. It's happening in three days."

His lips press in a forced smile as he stands up. "Very well, Rani sa."

I am sure he would like more than three days to make whatever plot to make sure I am not coronated but heck, he is the one who approached me with this. Whatever he was planning with his companions, if he couldn't achieve it in three days... well then, sucks for him. For now, it is going to happen and I am not backing down.

Three days of danger I will take over seven months. I spent the last year in it. I refuse to stretch it for another.

Aarush appears from his hiding spot after the priest and Mr. Khatri leave. I narrow my eyes at him for a second, observing how there seems to be relief on his face. Again, the question nags. Why was he hiding from them? Why does he look relieved now?

As he turns towards me, I clear the curiosity from reflecting on my face. Closing the distance between us, he asks. "What did they want?"

"My coronation is set for the 10th at noon." I inform, walking around the center table towards the stairs so I can return to my room.

"Three days," he comments following. "That is soon."

I nod stiffly, "Yes, you have three days to figure out whatever is going on here because one way or the other, this coronation is happening." I want this target off my back and if securing myself through a coronation is the way to go about it, then even I would like to see who wants to stop me.

"I have some new information."

"Good."

He pauses briefly before asking, "Don't you want to know what that is?"

I shake my head, pushing open the door to my room and with one step in to the other side of the doorway, I block his path from continuing to follow me. "I don't really care anymore the answer to who, what, when, where, why, or anything else. Finish the job you are here to do. Just... end this."

I stare at him a second longer after I pause to check if he will answer. Why do I still try? Ofcourse he doesn't. If he sees through my anger, he doesn't comment on it. End this. With it, I meant not just the threat on my life but also whatever is between the two of us that has me in all sorts of knots. Such anger... it is not good for my health.

A few days ago, when he first returned, there was something in my heart. A certain happiness. Perhaps, hope. Yes, I had been hopeful with everything working out for Aarav and Annie that maybe, Aarush being here meant something as well. But with the distance I feel between us right now, I did not even feel that when we were stranger's months ago when he first appeared in my life.

Instead of progress, it feels like it was a back pedal.

In my life, why must everything fail?

His head does the slightest of nod. His voice, so far away and void of any emotions. "As you wish."

I hate it.

I wonder... if his jaw had clenched or if my eyes were seeing things. No, I had to be imagining. What reason would he have for clenching away, after all? If he wanted me to not be angry with him, to not feel this disappointment and hurt, all he had to do was tell me what he was keeping from me. But, no. He would tell me everything but about himself.

Somewhere... my mind nagged.

What right did I have to feel this way?

None.

What did we have between us that he should tell me his life story?

Nothing.

I should not let it affect me so. And yet, I was deeply disturbed.

Why is it so wrong for me to wish to share whatever pain he is hiding?

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          Tonight, I keep Inaaya on the bed with me. A hand resting on her chest while a makeshift wall of pillows on her other side. I wanted her nearby so I could keep checking on her fever. Tonight, the worry at the back of my mind kept me from dozing off to deep sleep. I kept waking up every few minutes, almost by the hour.

I would check her fever and go back to sleep if she was sleeping as well. If she was awake, just staring into darkness, her legs and hands kicking in the air, I would pat her chest till she'd sleep again. And then there were times when she would whimper and fuss. Those are the times I would sit up and rock her gently. Sometimes, even picking her up and walking about the room. That motion of being held while walking was one she was familiar with that would put her to sleep.

It must be around 3 in the night when my eyes snapped open at the lightest of the sound. I realize it was just the bed creaking. Closing my eyes, I pat her chest lightly with a murmur, "Sleep, baby." She is quiet this time so I am hoping a few pats will do the trick.

My hand travels to her forehead and that is when my eyes open again, sleep rushing away for I felt another's hand already there. For that second, I am creeped out. I pull back, focusing in the darkness wondering if my mind is playing tricks on me. Then, I breath out in relief and sit up.

Aarush.

That almost gave my heart a jolt! It is certainly pounding like it is nobody's business.

I catch on that Inaaya is very much asleep. The creaking from the bed was not because of Inaaya's movement but Aarush sitting on the other side of her to check her temperature.

I don't say anything. Neither does he.

Still, I can feel his eyes on me. My own adjust to the darkness till I can outline his features. As the time of the night comes back to me, I connect how the very first night, it was around this time that he'd came in. This is roughly the time Inaaya always wakes up, sometimes hungry and other times needing a diaper change.

And, it seems, he figured that out if he is here around this time to check on her.

The frame of the bed creaks again as his weight leaves with him standing up. I wait to see what he does. Two seconds tick by before he walks around the bed towards the washroom. Turning the light on, he takes a towel hanging on the wooden rod before turning off the light and walking back.

As he does, I push the covers aside to get out of bed and turn on the fan. He folds it a few times while he reaches Inaaya and pats her exposed skin dry where she had been sweating due to the fever breaking.

I am tired of this silence between us. I no longer want to expect his lack of answers. "Why are you doing this?" I question why he sneaks in the room in the middle of the night to take care of Inaaya when during the day, I will barely catch a glimpse of him.

I know he hears my question even in my quiet voice given everything around us is pitch silent. Even his hand movement on Inaaya's neck pauses for a second as if in acknowledgement. After what felt the longest minute, he stands up from the bed, crossing the distance slowly. "So you can sleep."

By sacrificing your own sleep?

Inwardly shaking my head, I continue to press. "Why are you doing this?"

This is me. I ask questions again and again until I get an answer that is satisfactory. And the one's he gives? No, they are nowhere near good enough.

He tries to walk around me but desperate for an answer, my hand reach reaches out to his wrist, stopping him from leaving. He pauses, standing beside me, facing my direction. This time, no anger. No other bullshit. I just want honesty. I'm not asking for much.

His hand turns into a fist, eyes closing for a moment. I really wish I knew what all went on in his head. That I could understand him. I continue to search his face as he opens his eyes but instead of looking at me, he looks straight ahead. There is something in his quiet whisper. "Because she means something to me."

It's almost as if he wants to blame me for making him a part of Inaaya's life... but I never forced him, did I? If he did not want any part in it, he simply had to walk away. But, no. He lets himself come back. That has to be on him.

I try to not let my voice waver as I repeat, knowing he is still holding back. "Why are you...?"

Before I can complete, his resolve seems to break for in a blink of a moment, he spins me around. My back meets the furnished cupboard behind me. My heart leaps in its place while a gasp escapes my throat. My eyes widen at the sudden, unanticipated move, and my hold on his wrist drops.

It all happens at once.

And, in the next second, his lips meet mine. His hand feels rather large resting at my nape but the touch sends warmth all through my skin. I have no chance of responding to the kiss because as sudden as it is, he pulls back as if he had been burned.

He stumbles back a step, his hand leaving my nape and hanging in mid-air awkwardly. It's as if he can't believe he just did this.

I am trying to reel from this as well.

For it barely was a second, I cannot even recall the feeling. It ended before it could even begin.

He takes another small step back. "I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have." His voice conveys how abrupt it was for him as well.

My heart clenches at the guilt I hear... The regret, it's written all over his face.

"Aarush..." I try to speak to tell him it was okay, that he didn't need to apologize because if he hadn't pulled back right away, I would have kissed him back.

If he had just given me a second to process what was happening.

But, it's as if he does not hear me saying his name. He continues to speak over me, his eyes refusing to meet mine as his head remains lowered. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

My mouth opens to protest but no words come back for he turns on his heels and walks out of the room in a flash.

I exhale a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding back.

Did he just... kiss me?

Even if he realized his actions and pulled back right away, he had... right? It had to mean he felt something...? That he was just conflicted over what he felt, right? Else me pushing for an answer wouldn't have caused him to snap in this manner.

I inhale sharply, my fingers touching my lips where his just had been. I release that breath raggedly. My head falls back on the closed door of the cupboard.

It had been a second but I find myself craving for it again.

I wish it had been a proper kiss so that after this, even if he never showed himself to me, I would have something to hold on to. Some memory of a kiss.

The question I kept pushing... it feels that I have an answer and at the same time, I do not.

Is he going to avoid me from now on? I hope not.

He said... he shouldn't have. Why not? What was wrong in kissing me?

It won't happen again. God, I hope that wasn't a promise because I would not be able to handle that.

What was it he said about looking after Inaaya so I could sleep? How the hell was I supposed to sleep after this?

He started something and left without seeing it through.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

QOTC: Whatever is going through Aarush's mind?

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