Posted: February 17th, 2019

♕ Annie♕

2.24 His Rock

          "Annie?"

Aarav. I hear his voice before these giant towering, bulky men in black move to either sides and my eyes set on him.

Be still, my heart.

I momentarily push away how good I feel seeing that face after months as I let relief overtake my senses. "Oh, thank God. Why the hell am I not on the list? I'm always on the list!" I demand placing my hand on my hip, trying not to get carried away with how hot he looks in a tux. I have seen him cleaned up multiple times before but this one still screams different.

Has he ever looked more attractive than he does this moment? It is probably all this time between us that is resulting in this strong pull I feel towards him. Right... time. Nothing else.

He still looks dazed and then he blinks as if to convince himself I really am here. He clears his throat before answering but it sounds a question, "Uh... you weren't coming?"

"Are you crazy? I wouldn't miss Eva's wedding! I meant to RSVP and I thought I had but I seemed to have forgotten and then two days ago the reminder on my phone went off. I bought the first flight tickets I could get even though it was the crappiest seat and the most expensive one ever and rushed to Mumbai only to find out you all were here and so I hopped on another flight and ofcourse I can't find my invitation and these stupid people wouldn't let me in and my phone is dead from all this traveling so I couldn't call any of you and I am a mess."

I breathe out in such exhaustion. Let me tell you if you haven't figured it out already looking at my state, I've had a crazy last few days trying to get here in time because I knew Eva would never forgive me if I missed even a single event related to her wedding.

I scold seeing the ends of his lips tug up. "Don't laugh!"

He still releases a chuckle and nods at the guards. They release my luggage and throwing one last glare at them for giving me a hard time, I step inside. "Please tell me she doesn't hate me."

"I think she understands," he answers walking beside me and I catch his meaning.

He must have told everyone what has happened between us. I couldn't expect him to keep it from them. In due time, this family had made it a point to not keep secrets and even though it is a personal matter, I can somewhere get why he must have told them.

He eyes the single bag and takes it from my hand. "Is this all you brought?"

I admit without shame, "I am counting on your mom to have some extra outfits else I am going to look like the only homeless person in this palace."

"I'm sure she does." He assures me. Knowing Anjali Raizada, she has to have back ups just lying in wait for all sorts of fashion emergencies. "Come on," he nods me to walk towards the stairs.

I drag myself up the stairs, extremely jet lag and sleep deprived and my legs stiff from sitting in one seat for merciless hours on the flight. It did not help that I cannot sleep on flights and it sucked that I had the worst seat due to last minute planning. I don't even have the energy to admire how majestic this palace looks in its eternal beauty and ancient architecture. It could easily be a film set right now. Any other situation, I would have jumped at the chance to photograph it.

He opens a door and walks in. As I follow, he informs. "It's my room but you can freshen up here. The other rooms are locked and I have no idea where Jhanvi is or where she keeps the keys."

I nod not putting a fuss over it. With the number of rooms in the palace, I'm sure there's a need to keep them locked else imagine the energy being wasted in keeping the place neat and tidy on a daily basis.

From having brief conversations with Jhanvi over the months, I also know that not all parts of the palace are functional. She's only using the areas she needs and gradually working on restoring the others and ensuring safety as it was an abandoned palace until a couple months ago.

He asks placing the bag on the table so I wouldn't have to carry it to do it myself. "It's cocktail tonight. Do you have an evening gown?"

I nod again, "Yeah, that I did pack."

He turns to face me, "Should I tell others or let it be a surprise?"

Might as well do one good thing. "Surprise," I briefly answer walking around him to open my bag. First thing, get my charger so I can charge the stupid, dead phone.

"Alright. So, um anything you need should be in the bathroom. See you outside?"

I answer with my back still facing him, "Yeah, sounds good."

I hear him breathe out after a few seconds. He was hoping I'd say something. When I don't, I feel him walking out till I hear the door click. I turn towards the empty room, san me, and exhale myself. I had no idea what would happen when I'd meet him again but of all the possibilities, this I had not anticipated.

When I'd first received the wedding invitation, I had pondered many days and nights what I want to tell him, how to approach our topic from where it was last left in Australia. I had to come to a decision. In the rush last few days, I hadn't stopped to think over it.

Now, those nerves are back.

I think back to the first sight of him as the guards moved aside and my eyes fell on him. his pale face... not because he was looking at my unexpected arrival, but most probably because he looked tired. As if he hadn't been sleeping well. As if he hadn't been taking care of himself as he normally did. As if something inside of him was broken... incomplete.

My heart hadn't failed to skip a beat but I find myself worried right now.

His parting words months ago are on repeat as they often had been since then.

Oh, I can't decide.

I scold myself to stop and focus on getting ready. First thing, shower. Get this airplane stink off me. I grab my dress and open the only door in the room that leads to the attached washroom.

The mixture of body wash, aftershave and cologne hits me at once.

It smells of him.

A deep inhale. A slow exhale.

I've missed this.

I've missed him.

I realize this might have been the first time when we're meeting where we didn't greet with a hug or just pausing all other momentum to simply say 'hi' to each other.

That does not make us, us. And I finally admit to myself. It's wrong. It shouldn't be like this.

My conscious asks once again. Why must we both suffer when we feel the same?

Almost 7 years I have held back my feelings from expressing themselves because he couldn't be mine. And if I was to be honest with myself, since I confessed my feelings to him all those years ago, something had changed in him. I used to feel that he might love me too, but I would always end up talking myself out of it knowing he couldn't. He'd never hidden from me about Jhanvi. I'd tell myself I was humoring myself. I thought I was saving myself heart break.

But, I was wrong. The true meaning of heart break I learned in the last three months when I kept myself from him.

Months ago, he poured out his heart. Told me everything. I decide, before the end of the wedding, I would tell him mines. Even without a decision on what our future might be, least that can happen is for me to be honest and clear the air. There have been countless things I could never tell him because I myself had closed that door of communication by making him promise to never bring it up. I thought I was taking proactive steps to moving on.

I was such a fool.

And now, I refuse to be any more pitiful.

If this is the situation life has left us in, then we need to do something about it and take control rather than letting it unfold at its own pace.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. .

          The second I step outside, I feel the dry air hit my face. I so prefer winters over summer. It was the perfect weather in Australia right now as winter was just starting, but here I am facing hot weather once again even though it was dark outside.

I tell myself to ignore the weather and instead look around to spot a familiar face - especially Eva. In the distance, I find her standing next to Jigar as they're talking to Sam and Lavanya. Keeping myself hidden amongst people, I try to approach them but the people apparently don't understand that I am trying to give them a surprise and keep moving.

I whip around on hearing a voice ask, "Need help?"

With my hand on my chest to calm my heart, I lightly scold him, "Geez, don't sneak up on sleep deprived people!"

Aarav chuckles and walks around me, hinting for me to follow behind him. Thanks to my tiny form and his height, I can hide behind his form and go unnoticed. I try to follow his footsteps and because my gaze is lowered to the floor, I run into him when he suddenly stops. His hand comes back to steady me as he goes on to briefly greet one of their guests.

"A warning next time," I whisper at him when he pulls away from them and in response, his hand slips down my arm to hold my hand. It is so he can navigate me through the crowd but I can't help the familiarity of his touch and the warmth that spreads in my chest. I can't bring myself from blinking away from our intertwined hands even as he leads me across the venue.

Anytime he has to stop, I feel a light pressure on my hand and I catch the hint so I don't run into him again. It takes a few minutes because who doesn't love being stopped by long lost relatives and old business colleagues who want to have a quick chat? Finally, though, we make it to the couple.

Eva scolds him, "There you are. You can't just disappear like that!"

Aarav replies standing next to her and draping an arm around her shoulder so she would stay there, "Relax, E. So much stress is going to give you wrinkles."

She places a hand on her hip, "Are you calling me old?"

"I'm saying, it's your wedding. Let other people worry about getting stuff done." He keeps her occupied while I can stand behind her so won't notice and when she least expects it, ready to snap back at Aarav, I make my move.

I exclaim in her ear, "Boo!"

She stumbles forward, startled, and whirls around with a squeal. Seeing it was just me, she relaxes while we all laugh. "What the hell, Annie? I could've fallen flat on my..." She trails off registering its me and her eyes widen. "Annie!" She exclaims, the reaction I was waiting for and leaps forward to hug me. "You came!"

I smile giving her a tight embrace in return as we shift from one foot to other as old best friends often do when they see each other after ages, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."

She sighs in comfort pulling back, 'You've redeemed yourself in my books."

I joke about, "I had a feeling you'd disowned me given I wasn't included in the guest list by default."

"Well, I..." She tries to defend herself with guilt.

I put her out of misery, "I'm kidding. You don't have to explain. And by the way, you're looking gorgeous."

She grins in acceptance, "Why, thank you! You clean up good too."

I roll my eyes at what is her version of a compliment and move on to greeting Jigar with a hug as well. Eva, I hadn't seen her in months but Jigar, we hadn't met in years. "It's good to see you two together, in one place."

Jigar comments putting his arm around Eva and pulling her to his side while gazing into her eyes filled with affection, "I'm never leaving her again."

I smile at the two of them for they have waited years to get married and the day was finally here. I can only imagine just how much they must have missed each other always being away due to their careers.

I hate to interrupt them but I still do simply to inform, "Alright, carry on. I'll catch you all later."

She is quick to stop me, "Wait, where are you going already?"

Jigar answers on my behalf before I can, "Do you even need to ask? If I remember correctly, she always goes to meet Arnav and Khushi first thing."

I say, "Correct. I had to make an exception today for you two but now, excuse me."

Eva makes me promise, "Come back afterwards!"

"Plan on it," I speak over my shoulder and proceed in the direction I had previously seen Arnav, hoping he would still be there. Given he was the only fatherly figure in my life, it only made sense for me to go to him the second I'm back in India.

Sneaking up behind him as he's talking to Aman, I cover his eyes while mouthing "hi" to Aman who smiles and mouths it back. Arnav begins his guessing, "Khushi, c'mon. I saw you just five minutes ago." I roll my eyes fighting back a laugh. He always guesses Khushi first thinking only she likes to give him surprises. "Aarav?" When I keep covering his eyes, he finally moves to touch my hand. Surely, he figures out it's a female. After seconds of silence, he guesses again though with certainty reflecting in his tone this time. "Angel."

"Finally, my arms were about to fall off!" I exaggerate dropping my arms and he turns sideways to face me.

"You're here."

"Yes, I'm here. Everyone needs to stop saying it like it's so unbelievable I would be here." I rant a bit in irritation and am cut off when he nudges my head to his chest in a warm hug.

"How are you?" He questions in sincere concern and I get the feeling it is a loaded question - not the way everyone casually asks in a greeting but the way he knows of all the things going on in my life and would prefer I answer honestly.

I exhale leaning back, "I'm good. I'm here," I point out again as if to convey my presence currently means something and despite the estranged relationship currently with Aarav, these people were still family to me and I could never stay away from them for too long.

He smiles back with a nod, a hand on my head to pass silent encouragement.

I start a different conversation, "Hey, I heard the calendar was a success. Not surprisingly." I add the later for they're always a success and even then, it's a good feeling to be able to keep that trend from breaking.

"And we heard about your latest," Aman interjects. "You got an offer from Vogue, was it?"

I nod at the mention of the fashion magazine. "Last month, yeah. They saw the pictures from the calendar."

Arnav picks up my lack of enthusiasm, "And you're not taking it? Why? It's a life-time offer! Especially for them to reach out to you and not the other way around."

"And what, settle down in one place?" I question him, "C'mon, you know me, Arnie. I'd get bored before I can blink."

He argues, "And you prefer traveling all the time? Never in one place for more than a month or two? Doesn't that lifestyle get boring?"

I shrug my shoulder, "Nah, not really. It's always a new experience. New people. New things to discover."

"What about familiarity? Everyone wants that in life."

"Sure, that's why I come see you guys now and again, don't I?" I vaguely respond though I do catch what he is trying to ask, trying to get me to admit to - to settle down in one place where I'd have a loved one and a home of my own. "Any who, where's Jhanvi and our little Princess? I have yet to meet my godchild!"

Already, I'm starting off to be a worst godmother ever given I hadn't once held her in my arms since her birth. I don't know what Jhanvi was thinking when she asked this of me and I don't know what I was thinking accepting. How can I be her godmother when I'm always on the move?

I seem to be searching for something that I can't wrap up in one word. It's something I can't explain to Arnav to make him understand why I don't have a problem with the kind of life I lead.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. .

          The evening is a blur as a toast is made to the marrying couple by Sam. Drinks. Food. Endless chatter. Meeting every single member of the Raizada family. Spending a lot of time with Inaaya and looking after her while Jhanvi was being pulled in different directions by everyone to handle whatnots. Watching Aarav steal her away sometime in between and rescuing her from all the working and dragging her to the dance floor, giving her a moment of quiet.

Occasionally, I have caught his eye on me and I have a feeling he badly wants to talk to me but keeps changing his mind. I can't blame him. I haven't given him a hint that I'd be open to a conversation.

Eventually, Inaaya gets tired and starts crying and I have no idea how to quiet her. I pick her up and rock her gently but when it doesn't work, I hold her against my shoulder and pat her back hushing her but she keeps crying.

Khushi notices my plight for she comes over to help and relieved, I pass Inaaya over. "I'll take her in. She must want to sleep. It is too loud here anyway."

"I can take her in," I offer but she denies and asks me to stay and enjoy the rest of the party.

When she leaves, I find an empty chair and grab a glass of champagne from a passing by waiter while murmuring a thank you to him. Now with no more responsibilities, I can drink a little and hope that I'll be passed out soon.

I desperately need sleep.

And for my feet to be freed from the torture of heels.

I down the entire thing in one go, biting my tongue at the bitterness of it. Arshiya pulls a chair next to me with a warning, "Easy there, tiger."

"Hello to you too." I reply looking around for an employee so I can get another one.

She eyes me in concern when I raise my hand to get one of their attention. "Are you okay?" She asks just as I wave at the guy to come over.

"Yup, I just want to pass out and not wake up until mid-afternoon or something." I answer grabbing another glass from the tray and letting the guy pick up the empty glass.

"So you can be nursing a hangover when you do wake up?"

I see her point and instead of downing this one as well, I take a sip. "Touché. How's school treating you?"

Her tone is least impressed, "Oh, you know, annoying boys and stupid assignments. I don't know why I let myself get caught up in Ishaan's dare. My life was perfect with all the traveling and now it's... boring."

I chuckle at her exaggeration, "Come, now. Don't lie. You do enjoy the down-low now and again. No need to pretend, least of all in front of me."

She rolls her eyes and drops her shoulder, "Okay, fine. It's not that bad. I've made some friends."

"See, that's new. Got a nice feeling to it, doesn't it?" I speak enthusiastically knowing how her life had been bound to family members and close relatives. Never having the opportunity to go through school as a normal child due to her terminal illness, her list of friends sufficed of Kriana, Rihaan, and Ishaan only - two of whom are her cousins so really, she's only had one friend in her life.

She smiles, a sincere one. "Yeah. It's nice. I get why people say things like how friends make school bearable and such."

I return her smile, happy for her to get this experience. She's never been serious about school and I hope this might change her outlook towards it. She already has the lifetime of experience at a young age and she just needs a push to apply it in the right direction.

"I'm thinking I'll apply to one of the colleges in the States."

I raise a brow in surprise, "You want to get away from here?"

"Well, not the family, no. But if I am going to be forced to get a degree, why not? Dad and even Aarav bhai completed their university abroad so why not follow in their footsteps, right? Besides, it's probably easier there compared to Indian universities.  Less chances of me failing."

"I guess that's one way to look at it. But still, US is quite far. You'll maybe only get to visit, what, once or twice a year? If you're not taking classes during summer."

She looks at me knowingly, "Annie, might I remind you this girl's name is Arshiya Raizada? I don't care if classes are ongoing. If I start missing home, all I gotta do is dial a number and bhai will send the charter the next instant to bring me home.

With a laugh, I shake my head. "You are impossible, darling."

"So I've heard." She cheekily accepts.

"Well, if you are serious, I think it'll be a good experience for sure," I reply not wanting to sound too negative and talk her out of it. After all, I myself live a life without strings. If she wants to be independent, find out who she is outside of her family, it's a good thing.

"Yeah..."

I question, "What?"

She shrugs her shoulder, "I don't know, I guess I'm just worried about bhai."

"Why?" I'm surprised at her answer since Aarav never does anything that his family would be worried for him.

"Lately, he just remains in his own thoughts, I guess. I think it's to do with his... you know? He doesn't talk as much." She looks at me with hope, "He talks to you though. Has he said anything?"

I start feeling guilty for I put our friendship at risk because of what's happened between us and due to it, he hasn't opened up about Shyam with me spare that one night when he'd completely broken down and Jhanvi had called me up. But, we never followed that up with a conversation and that's on me. There's s much that happened the last couple of months with me that kept me away from things that should have really mattered.

"Uh, no."

"Huh," she answers in surprise.

I try to comfort, "We've been busy, you know. Maybe you're just overthinking."

Even though I say that, my heart knows that she's not overthinking.

She attempts to convince herself, "Hmm, I must be. If it was something, surely he'd tell you." She then smiles, "Thanks, Annie. He worries about all of us so much. We get carried away basking in that love he showers on us and forget to worry about him. But you... you're always there for him."

"You're painting me out to be a saint," I answer in a low voice for even though she attempts to express her gratitude, it only makes me feel worse. 

I was that person - always there for Aarav. He's called me his rock so many times. The one to keep him tethered whenever he was afraid of losing himself. And perhaps the time he needed to count on our friendship, I let him loose. I got lost in myself so much, wanting to rid the burden of being in love with him, trying to deal with the sudden reappearance of my biological roots, that I turned into someone I wasn't.

Why did I try the last half year trying to move on when loving him kept me going?

No matter where I was in the world, I could always return to India... to this family, and know with absolute certainty that everything could change but my feelings for him wouldn't. I could always count on that and that itself turned into the thing I was running from.

Why?

I thought I was doing what was best for me. That I needed to show myself I was more than just the girl in love with him. I didn't want that to be my only identity. I didn't want to be just Aarav's friend. Aarav's love. I was so afraid that that is all I would remain to be; that there would be no 'Annie' that I didn't realize when I lost myself along the way.

And I was so wrong.

That's not just who I am.

I am my photography. I've created a name for myself on my own terms in the last four years. Who gets an indefinite open job offer from one of the influential and established magazine such early in their freelance career? I did that by myself. Aarav nor his family had anything to do with that. Well... Arnav did save me from a terrible life so they do have some hand in giving me by passion for photography, but I honed the skill alone.

I realize, here Arshiya is starting to aim for things for once in her life and taking her life seriously instead of basking in all the rich spoils. I already did that. I already achieved my aims.

So, why must I continue to stay away and keep searching for whatever it is people keep looking for their whole lives when I could just... come home.

Aarav's words echo in my ear.

"One day, it will bring you back to me and that day, when you are ready to come home, I'll be waiting."

I twist around towards the dance floor to see if he was still there. He wasn't. I couldn't find him anywhere on the lawn.

Arshiya's voice pulls me back to look at her, "If you're looking for him, I saw him go inside with Jhanvi di."

I swear, this girl is another Eva. So young but insightful beyond her age. If only she would let everyone see this side of her more often rather than the playful, careless one. "Thanks," I reply in gratitude and stand up to leave.

"Good night!" She answers back and I catch her reach for my champagne glass.

"Don't get drunk," I make sure to warn her before starting to rush off inside.

I doubt she'll take my warning seriously given she is Arshiya, one who doesn't let anyone tell her what to do, but I also do not worry about finding someone to keep an eye on her when I pass Ishaan along the way and know without doubt that he must be going to keep her company. The two of them are such polar opposites but then again, perhaps that is the reason why there are known instances when he'd have kept her grounded and be a good influence on her - such as how he twisted about a conversation and dared her into going to school some months back rather than continuing on with her wandering travel life and not listening to even her own parents when they tried and tried and failed to get her to understand the importance of an education.

I see my habit of being a wandering soul in her, but, just as I know now, she too will figure it out just what it means to come home because we spend our lives chasing some unknown when it is in front of us the whole time. With a thudding heart, I continue my search inside for my days of running are soon going to come to an end.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . 

∞ author note ∞

Hope everyone had a good weekend! Here's another chapter to start your week with someone good - hopefully! This was a long chapter as is, couldn't add the flashback here about Annie's father and the mysterious 'stalker'. I'll try to fit it in her next chapter. For now, I think you can guess what happens next? 

QOTC: How many of us fail to see what's right in front of us because we're either too focused on the future or stuck on the past? Or going around searching for that something, that someone?

Let me know your thoughts! Vote and comment <3