Posted: November 26th, 2018

♕ Annie ♕

2.18 Past Is Present

          My heart is thudding away at a crazy beat walking away from Aarav. Everything that was once just a thought for me, he said them. He confessed. He said the three words I never even in my wildest dreams expected to hear from him. I do not know how to come to terms with this reality. As much as I know it opens doors to all the possibilities I didn't allow myself to entertain all these years, I can't help myself from second guessing.

Is this really what I want?

As far as I've come to understand love, I'd held that feeling for Aarav. It feels as if it had somehow become my identity... the girl who was hopelessly in love with someone unattainable and unable to put that in the past and move on in life. My past has always been my present. But, no. That cannot be all there is to my identity. Someone associated to the Raizada's. Someone who just loved him. I reckon I will always continue to love him but I certainly do not have to let that be my only identity in life.

I am more than just that.

Inhaling sharply, convincing myself - perhaps falsely - that I am doing the right thing... doing the best thing for myself, I walk out of the door. Reaching the driveway, I start looking for Vikas.

Instead, I find that same guy who had been outside Jhanvi's hospital room. He who strangled me - okay, I am exaggerating, but he did put me on edge and say some very rude things about my character.

He asks, "Anything I can help you with?"

I clear my throat, telling myself I shouldn't judge him based on one encounter. "Where is Vikas?"

"He's out on an errand."

Well, then. I suppose it will have to wait for another time. "Oh, can you tell him to call me after? He has my number."

He nods, observing me closely. Something tells me I need to be wary of his keen eyes. Just as I nod back and proceed to walk around him, he speaks up. "Look, I know I am not Vikas and you have no reason to trust me. We haven't gotten off on the best foot, and..."

I interrupt to question, "Is there a point to this or are you just going to waste my time?"

I expect him to glare back or something but instead, he rolls his eyes taking my tone lightly. "I'm just saying, if I can do something for you, let me know."

I laugh, amused. "And what makes you think you would be useful to me?"

"You tell me," he cryptically answers.

I don't understand, but I continue to brush it off. "Alright, look, if I ever find myself in a situation where people are after my life, you would be the second one I call for my bodyguard with Vikas being the first but otherwise, I highly doubt you can help me with my issues."

He grumbles under his breath, "I'm a lot more than a bodyguard."

"Sorry?" I ask him to repeat as I didn't catch his words clearly given he spoke under his breath.

He shakes his head, "Nothing, forget it. I'll let Vikas know you were looking for him."

Nodding, I think to leave but decide Vikas didn't need to call me. If he called, he'd want to know about Aarav and me and I'd rather not have that conversation till I have come to terms with it myself. I change the directive, "Actually, just tell him to pull off the guys he has following me."

"Excuse me?"

I nonchalantly explain, "No need to be coy, okay? I know how both he and Aarav can get. They probably put a guy on my tail with Shyam being out of jail and all, but honestly, I can look after..."

He interrupts by asking, "What are you going on about? I know for a fact he hasn't put any of his security details on you."

I cross my arms over my chest to challenge, "And how would you know that?"

He mimics my actions and if his intention is to intimidate me, consider me intimidated - especially given what he says. "Since Shyam, we've coordinated security. I know exactly how many men he has at the office, at the Raizada house and on each member of the family. And sorry to break it to you, but you are not on that list... I think mostly because Aarav knows what you would say if he dared to pull that stunt on you even if he wanted to."

I do take that into consideration. Aarav knows how I would feel about him doing that. I remember once I accused him on my birthday that he had people following me and he had admitted - it was something he had the means to do but that didn't mean he would do it.

Though confused, I try to make an exit by concluding, "Okay, well, forget I said anything then."

He walks around me to stop me from leaving, "Whoa, hold it. You can't just leave after announcing someone's been following you."

"It's probably just my imagination. It's been a stressful few days, you know?"

He shakes his head, refusing to let me convince him and in the process, myself as well. "No. No, that's not it. Some weeks back, Aarav was thanking me for saving you from that accident in Milan, but I wasn't there. Someone else saved you and now you are telling me someone is following you around."

I open my mouth to counter, but he shuts down my idea before I could even voice it.

"And don't say it is a coincidence. I don't believe in them."

I ask warily, "There is no way you are going to let this go, are you?"

He answers confidently, "Not till I get to the bottom of it, no. Mysteries bug me. They need to be solved."

I grumble under my breath, "Fucking perfect."

Just what I need in my life right now. A stalker and a hard-headed army guy I did not get along with. Such grief. Why? What had I ever done to deserve this?

No, Annie. Remember what you'd decided. Stay positive.

I say, "I'm sure it's nothing."

He challenges, "Annie, with everything else going around, are you really willing to take the chance that it is nothing? For all you know, it could be Shyam having you followed. And if that's the case..."

"There you go. Now you've scared me." I accuse glaring at him though a chill goes through my spine. Could it really be Shyam? God, I hope not... because then, would it not mean he was having me followed even before he got out of jail?

He returns a brief look of sympathy.

I inhale deeply, telling myself to not jump to conclusions already, before instructing him. "Okay, fine. I'll text you my address. You can come by tomorrow morning - I've got things to do today. And you are not to breathe a word of this to Aarav or Vikas... or anyone really."

Everyone has got enough things to worry about... and if Aarav caught wind of suspicions that someone was following me, there is no saying what he would do... other than that he would pretty much demand I stay at the summer house too till the matter was solved.

I can't have that.

He questions mindlessly, "What is with everyone's first instinct to hide things from him? He's not fragile or something, you know?"

Ignoring his later comment, I question the former. "Who else is hiding what from him?"

He seems to realize he spoke the thought aloud. "Nothing." He takes out his phone and passes it over, "Your number."

Rolling my eyes at his ordering ways, I take the phone and type in my number before commenting on the model, "You know there are much sleeker models out there? Touchscreens instead of a keypad? Honestly, what era do you live in?"

He snatches it back in defense. "It's a burner, okay? It's useless to get latest smartphones when I have to dump them every few days."

Okay, fair point. I imagine in his job, he might have to do that often. But... he is no spy. Is he not just another army captain? He could just get a private number for personal use. Nevertheless, telling myself it is none of my business, I keep my thoughts to myself.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

          "You are a photographer. Did you happen to take a picture of something you weren't supposed to?" Aarush asks the next morning when he arrives at my apartment.

I slouch into the chair, "No, dude. I go through every picture from my memory cards. Can we be done with your interrogation already?"

Aarush speaks in his defense, "I've barely asked you four or so questions. Now will you take this seriously? It's not a joke is someone is stalking you."

I exclaim sitting up, "I know it's not! I just don't have anything to tell you, okay? My life is not as exciting as you might think that someone would want to stalk me for it."

"And yet the fact remains."

I fist my palms to clench in my anger before releasing it with a sigh. I don't know what it is about him that just pushes my buttons.

As if noticing that, he asks in a softer tone with patience, "Okay, let's go over it. You first saw him in Milan. So, what were you working on just before that."

I stand up and inform, "I'll just get you my album so you can stop asking me questions."

Given he doesn't argue, I leave for my room to get my laptop and SD card. I honestly don't think this could be work related, but I suppose it would be somewhere better if it was so that it can mean it has nothing to do with Shyam.

Once I log in and open my album, I pass it over to him.

Noah walks in through the front doors from wherever it was he had been. He looks between the two of us before asking, "This the guy?"

"No."

Aarush asks for clarification, "What guy?"

"You do your thing, okay?" I subtly tell him to mind his business.

He rolls his eyes and returns his attention to the laptop screen.

I leave him be and walk over to Noah who moves to the kitchen. "He's hot too."

"I'll gladly set you two up if you want."

Noah squints in a scolding, "Shut up." I chuckle in response. I very well know Noah isn't gay. He adds twisting the cap of beer, "I was saying it for you. If it doesn't work out with your guy..."

I repeat his words to him, "Now you shut up. And what's with the day drinking?"

"It's just beer. Barely can be called day drinking."

"Nope, not happening on my watch." I announce while grabbing it and proceeded it return it in the fridge.

"Rude."

"Someone's got to teach you the ways of living. Else, I really pity your girlfriend - if you ever manage to get someone to like you."

"Whatever. Who's the guy anyway?"

"Oh, he's just helping me with something work-related. Back to my question, why were you trying to day drink?"

"You couldn't just ignore that, could you?" He comments and when I continue looking at him for a proper answer, he leans against the counter, "Fine, if you must know, insurance people managed to track me down. For the house, you know? He apparently has a will for me; can you believe that? Like I want anything. But anyway, back to the insurance people - they ran tests so they could call it an accident. Gave me the report and everything but heck if I understand anything. Not that I care. Just glad it's all over with."

I don't press him to care either. "What's on the will?"

He shrugs his shoulder taking he folded envelope out of his jeans pocket and dropping it on the counter, "Don't know. Don't care. Don't plan on reading it."

I move closer to him and place my hand on his back to comfort him. "Are you okay?"

"I will be if you help me burn some of the things in a box I was forced to bring back with me that they were apparently able to rescue from the fire."

I smile back supportively, "We'll make a bonfire out of it. Make smores and all - how does that sound?"

"Sounds like heaven." He smiles back hanging his arm off my shoulder and exhaling. "Thanks, Annie. I really appreciate you being here for me - God knows you don't have to."

"Anytime, Noah. You are the only good part of my past before the Raizada's. So, you don't even have to thank me. I should thank you for finding me."

"Yeah," he simply answers as we both understand each others' sentiments. Neither of us had to do what we did for each other, but we did. The difference between 'had to' and 'want to' can sometimes make all the difference and mean everything.

We turn around when Aarush clears his throat to mark his presence and Noah's arm drops from my shoulder in process. He asks, "Can I get a pen and paper?"

My heart doubles over in concern, "Did you find something?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe."

Okay... I don't know how to feel about that. Just that I suddenly find myself restless at what this could mean.

Noah interjects in curiosity, "What are you two working on?"

"Uh, nothing. Tell you later." I quickly tell him while opening a drawer at the edge of the kitchen cabinets filled with junk. There has to be a pen in there somewhere. Shuffling through it, I find one stuck in the corner. I hand it over, "I'll get some paper."

Rushing off to my room, I grab some blank pages from the printer tray and quickly return to the coffee table.

He takes it and with on finger on the up arrow on the keyboard, he goes back and forth while writing down a series of numbers on the page. I recognize them to be numbers associated with certain photos. I notice him looking between the screen and the page trying to ensure he was writing down the correct numbers and I offer, "Here, dictate them to me."

Pulling a chair around the table, I sit. He moves slightly to share the spare given it's a small, circular table meant only to seat two people across from each other, not next to each other.

The process then goes faster as well.

In between, Noah emerges from the kitchen after having fixed a late lunch for himself, "Alright, I'm off to nap. You two have fun with whatever is so interesting. Wake me up when it is time for the bonfire."

Aarush momentarily glances up from the laptop screen after Noah leaves for the bedroom, "Do I want to ask?"

"Probably not," I say and he trusts my judgement for it. Returning to the laptop, he begins typing some code and the screen goes black. He continues typing at an ungodly speed. I ask in concern since this is not the normal work one does on a computer, "Uh, what are you doing?"

"Just... hold on," he replies focused on the task at hand.

Okay, this cannot be normal. Where are my apps? Desktop? He seems t have turned my laptop into those coding machines you see on crime TV shows.

After roughly 2-3 minutes, he presses the enter button and sits back. "Now, we wait."

"Wait? For what? You aren't tell me anything!" It's frustrating to have no idea what he is doing. I am not a dumb person. If he would just explain it to me..! First, he makes me write down these numbers and then does nothing with them. Instead, he goes on to turning my laptop into something freakish.

"Relax, I just wrote a code to hack street cameras outside where you were staying in Milan." He replies in such a casual voice it should be unreal.

My eyes widen hearing about his crime and exclaim, "You did what?! Are you crazy?! You can't just start hacking into such things! And if you do, don't tell me and make me an accomplice!"

His lips turn up in the corner with an amused smirk as he watches my reaction. "You asked me to tell you what I was doing."

I groan, "Do you purposely love ticking me off or what?" Then I go off in my own rambling, "Arnie is so going to kill me. How could you use my laptop to do something so absurd? They'll track me down or something and then...!"

He again interjects, "Relax, will you?"

I can't. I direct my questions towards his carefree attitude, "Are you not at all concerned about what it'll do to you? You could be kicked off the army or something for committing a felony, right?"

He inhales deeply as if he does not have the patience for my over-reaction - according to him - but I think it's perfectly reasonable to be freaking out right now. Exhaling, he calmly points out, "No, Annie. This isn't enough grounds for them to dismiss me. And I assure you, the government there does not have the pointless time to be checking who hacked into their feed and even if they happen to catch it by some reason, they are not going to trace it back to your IP. I know how to cover tracks. I have worked the better part of my career in army intelligence, okay?"

I grumble folding my arms across my chest, "Tell me that when I am thrown in jail."

He says it so seriously without a smile or anything on his face that makes me wonder if he is joking or not, "If anyone ever comes knocking at your door for this, you have my permission to pin it all on me."

I shake my head, telling myself once again that he is a weird one. It's tough to figure him out. I redirect the topic, "Why did you commit this insane act anyway?"

"Well, you said you first saw the guy in Milan. So if someone has been following you, it would be around that time. Once I am into the server, we can find out if the guy has been following you before the hit and run or after."

"If it is before?"

"Then those corresponding numbers come in play."

"Why, what did they capture?" I don't remember what those pictures are of as I haven't looked at them in a while. Whatever they are, I just know it couldn't be incriminating.

"Nothing in particular. Just... I'll explain it better when I make sense of it myself."

"Oh. Okay."

He suggests, "You don't need to be here, you know? Go do whatever else you have to."

I shrug my shoulders, "Na, it's okay. Don't have much to do for today."

"Go watch TV or something."

I raise a brow getting the feeling that he is trying to get rid of me in my own place, "Why, have something against holding a conversation with someone?"

"It's not like we have anything interesting to talk about."

"How do you know that when we don't know anything about each other?"

He looks at me with a challenge before countering, "Is that what you think?"

"It's true. Feel free to prove me wrong."

He accepts the indirect challenge and very bluntly speaks a singular sentence that leaves heavy silence hanging in the air, "I know you and Aarav have a thing which you are running from because you don't want that to define who you are as a person."

He hit the arrow straight at the bulls eye - and he knows that.

As much as I know that as well, I find myself turning defensive. "How dare you?"

Instead of retaliating, he just shakes his head as if in a disapproval. "Look, I don't have any personal investment in the two of you, but take it from experience. There is nothing wrong with loving someone to the extent to which you love him or having your world revolve around it. If it were me, I would gladly accept loving someone as my only identity."

"Yeah, well, that's your opinion. Not mine." I reply trying not to sound cold but we aren't at friendly terms where I will talk about Aarav with him. I don't even talk about him with the closest people in my life such as Eva, Arnav, Noah... what makes him think I will talk about it with him?

Sadly, he does not drop the matter or allow me to have my way. "Annie, I am stating my opinion because yours is wrong. You are not just a girl who has loved Aarav his whole life. You are so much more. Now I know it may not hold as much weight since I only know of you for short time and you don't know me at all to want to believe me, but I have seen your work in Milan on the days I hung back when Jhanvi would be on sets. Or, just take this album I went through today. You have to know that the content you have in here is extraordinary. Your perspective on capturing life-like things is rare. So, why are you downplaying yourself and creating conflict between the two of you when there doesn't need to be?"

His words do force me to think. I have never thought of myself as just Aarav's love up till now. But, now that he confesses to returning my feelings, why am I suddenly constricting my identity to just that? In a quiet voice, looking away and blinking furiously to fight back the emotions choking my throat, I request, "I don't want to talk about this, okay?

He politely nods, understanding, and backing off, "I'm sorry if I crossed a line. I just think it's silly."

I glance up at him again feeling attacked even if he doesn't mean for it, "Excuse me?"

He opens his mouth to reply but then takes in my expression to realize it's not confusion but offense. He sighs, "You misunderstand me again. I am not criticizing you. I'm just saying - in a world where we are dealing with all this greed, evil, murderers, rapists - it is silly to run from it and not celebrate love. You should be making the most of every second of it because anything can happen and before you know it, you might not have that chance tomorrow."

One thing I do grasp from his distant eyes as he expresses his thoughts. If he didn't personally connect it to himself, he would not be attempting to give me a piece of his advice. I believe he is the type to not interfere in other people's business unnecessarily.

Before I catch myself, I am asking him, "Who did you lose?"

It is clear he has had that love in his life with that sadness in his eyes... that emptiness. How would I not recognize that look? I have stared at that look often times in the mirror.

His eyes flicker to lock with mines, speechless suddenly - as if he did not expect me to be perceptive and take notice of it. Or, perhaps, it's that I had the courage to ask instead of having assumptions but keeping them to myself so as to not pick at sore topics. But, he started this by bringing up Aarav. I don't think I am out of line with asking him this.

And then, in a blink, I see that wall come back up. His voice turns clipped, "It was a long time ago."

If his intention with that is to convey that it doesn't matter, he could not be more wrong. "Nevertheless, it matters still to you. It's obvious." When he doesn't answer, I connect another thing of our first interaction. It's not even a question as I state, "That is why you were that furious when I kissed you. Huh, wouldn't have thought you were a one-woman guy... especially given whoever that girl is isn't even in your life at the moment."

"Tell me, would you stop loving Aarav if he wasn't an active part of your life?"

Okay, fair enough. He explains it simply in a language I understand. Just because your life takes a different turn than the person you love does not mean the feelings fade away. I have lived a separate life from Aarav in different countries with our paths crossing only a few times within a given year; and it did not mean I ever stopped loving him in that time. My love had only increased with years. Similarly, that girl might not be in his life but he still loved her and that wasn't going to change.

He does not add anything as he must have understood from my silence that I accepted his point made.

Clearing my throat, I decide to test the waters and ask some more questions to get to know him considering how he is reciprocating, "So, where is she now? Do you know?"

When he doesn't respond right away, I start to think he won't answer. I asked the wrong question and I figure he was going to shut down now.

But then, after a brief pause, he does speak. "Depends on whether you believe in heaven."

I inhale sharply, speechless, on catching the underlying message.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

∞ author note ∞
These two had the least interaction thus far and here it goes! Let's see what kind of relationship they build. Slowly but surely, Aarush is opening up here and there !

QOTC: What's your take on the advice he gives to Annie?

I do see the flaws in Annie's reasoning but ofcourse, SHE needs to realize that as well and as much as we expect her to be, she isn't mature in all aspects of her life. So be a little disappointed and irritated by her lack of reaction to Aarav for now and giver her some time to understand the fact that loving Aarav is not all that her life is.