Posted: October 29th, 2018

♛ Jhanvi ♛

2.10 To Live For

In the plane, Aarav tells me about this shelter we will be hiding out at. A place Arnav opened for abused children and to support crime victims instead of putting them in the foster system.

It can't save every child out there but its an effort to give them a safe haven and a second chance to life - a place where they can stay at for as long as they wish and recover before they were ready to take control of their life once again.

"It's both a good and bad place," Aarav expresses, "As a child, it used to be a place I would go to in order to get away from the world... and yet the irony is that some of the worst things that can happen to a person... you'll find them there. So, it wasn't really an escape. It would only show me how cruel the world still was and in a twisted way, it would make me appreciate all that I had."

I assure him hugging his arm. "Most people wouldn't go back there, you know? You're a good person for returning."

He chuckles, "I'm not that good, Shona. I might have had a selfish reason for it." I raise my brow in question and he answers in one word. "Annie."

"Ah."

"Yeah... I just didn't know it then. I hated it when I started to understand what it was, but Annie... she always says that's the first place that felt like home to her. As if she was finally somewhere where she belonged. I would tell her she belonged in a much better place. I imagine she'd still argue with me on this topic."

"It's the first place she felt safe; where she felt she could connect with people. A place that gave her a family. I can see why."

He grumbles, "Great, you take her side too."

I smile shaking my head for this was no competition and then bring up the topic I have been meaning to. "She came to see me in the morning." The frown on his face disappears, replacing it into a blank look. I confirm what he must be wondering, "She told me what happened."

"It was a stupid thing to do."

"She believes this is a real marriage, Aarav. Why didn't you tell her?"

His shoulders sag a little in defeat - not a known look for him. "I can't expect her to be with me just because I tell her now I love her too. It's her choice and I can't barge in and out of her life when its convenient for me."

"What do you mean?" I ask in confusion, "From what I see, you two have always been in each other's life."

"That may be but its different now. I can't involve her in my messed-up life. She deserves someone who'll make her his first priority and right now, I can't give her that. And it'd be wrong of me to tell her I love her but that I can't be with her. It'll be cruel. It'll be like giving her what she wants with one hand and taking it away with the other. It's best to just not say anything."

I argue another perspective, "But aren't you wronging her by staying silent? Doesn't she deserve to know?"

He remains silent. I am sure it's a thought he had to have wondered himself.

I try to change his mind. "Aarav, I understand that you want to keep her away from all this danger but also see that you have a chance here. Be honest with her. This marriage isn't real anyway so it won't be wrong. Who knows, maybe she'll wait for you - wait for all of this to be over."

"That's just wishful thinking. I can't ask that of her. It's not right." He remains adamant and I am lost on how else I can make him change his mind. I very well understand his protective instincts. I have seen their extent for me. For her, I can only imagine thus.

So, I provoke him. "Tell me, Aarav. Are you not telling her because you don't want to get in the way of her life or because you're afraid she'll actually say yes? Because you know she will wait? Because for once in your life, there is someone who may love you more than you love them?"

His tone turns clipped in an attempt to control his temper, "I'm not afraid of anything."

I push his buttons, "Maybe the guy I first met deluded himself into believing that, but the person in front of me in this moment is afraid."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

I turn a deaf ear to him as I counter, "You talk about having hope that one day you'll be happy when this is all over but Aarav, the time to take the first step to that happiness starts now. You can't just one day magically wake up and have it. You have to build towards it. You have to make it happen and its not going to unless you accept your flaws that you are not perfect or invincible because of the family you belong to. Underneath all of it, you are Aarav - just a guy who loves a girl out there who's had her hand held out and all you have to do is forward your hand and hold it. It's not Annie who has to make a choice. It's you. If you think she won't wait for you, you couldn't be more wrong. Think about it. You know her better than anyone."

I can see I gave him a lot to think about as his gaze remains lowered to his lap.

I reach for his hand and dropping the defensive tone, express softly. "You pride yourself in making the right choices no matter how difficult they are to follow, Aarav, and I admire that and love that about you; you taught me to have the courage to do that myself; so how about you make one last right choice?"

After that, I leave him be to his own thoughts. I can only hope he'll heed my advice.

I honestly don't see a reason to stay away from each other when both return the feelings of love. All the reasons, as legit as they may be, at the end of the day can be counted as mere excuses.

When two people feel as strongly for each other as they do, I believe nothing should get in the way. It should be enough to get through the tough times and more.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Standing in front of the palace, looking up to its highest point, I honestly do not know how to feel. Not too long ago, I was looking forward to learning about the place I was told was my legacy. I wanted to learn all about its grand history and my ancestors. And now, after learning about my father, I find myself repulsed from it.

I remind myself of words Aarav said not too long ago. There's good and bad to everything. It's on us to choose what to remember. And, I choose to remember the good my ancestors have done instead of the wrongs of my father.

Taking a deep breath, I nod at Aarav. "Okay. Let's go in."

It takes a while to walk from the car to the tall doors. Aarav fishes into his pockets for keys and unlocking the heavy lock, pushes the doors in. They creak from not having been used in a long time. I duck as unexpectedly, a couple of birds fly out from inside.

The place gives me a creepy feeling with how abandoned it has been for twenty years. I question after a cough, "I thought you said you were getting things cleaned up."

"We are," Aarav replies, "but it's a big place. They're working from back to front."

"Right." I reply as I step inside, waving a hand in front of my face to rid of all the dust that's flying about.

Aarav looks at me and comments, "Maybe it wasn't a good idea to bring you here."

"Probably not... but I do appreciate the thought." I answer honestly.

I am not too keen on exploring right now given my broken leg and all the dust in the air, but it is still nice to stand here and see the place from a safe distance. This is supposed to be my home. The place where I was born.

"Maybe we can come back after all of this is over?"

Aarav agrees at once, "Yeah, a better idea. Let's head back to airport. Safer in Australia."

I don't know about safer... but let's see what happens there.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

After yet another flight to Australia and a short drive from the air strip, Aarav introduces me to Martha after he had sneaked up on her and covered her eyes to make her guess. I'm observing that it seems to be his thing. Even the first time he took me home, he'd tried to give everyone that surprise.

Surely, she had guessed right and then explained how Arnav had told her we were coming. He grumbles with a frown, "Dad always has to ruin surprises... anyway, meet Martha. She's held this place together since its start. She's amazing at it."

She comments, "Not as well as I could. I'm getting old."

Aarav charmingly counters, "Oh please, your heart is ever so young, Martha."

"Even when you're married, you're still quite a charmer, huh?" She grins teasingly. She then gets up from the chair, "Come on, it's late as it is. Let me show you your room so you two can rest and I'll get out of your hair."

Aarav confirms, "You've prepared a room for Vikas and Aarush too, yes?"

"Ofcourse." She answers and we follow her down a hallway. She opens a room, "Lads, you'll be staying here..." She nods to the room next door with a bright smile, "And that's your room."

Aarav opens our door and I understand the reason behind the smile seeing how it was decorated. "Martha, you didn't have to," He says turning to her.

She waves her hand, "Sure I did. It's not much but you deserve something your first night." She walks inside, "Just a second..." We wait, wondering what she was up to and seconds later, she returns from the room with the bucket of champagne and sheepishly apologizes, "I'll take this back. Sorry, didn't know about..." Her eyes flicker to my belly momentarily glancing up at me and smiling. "Any who, good night!"

Once I walk inside and close the door behind, Aarav drapes his arm around my shoulder careful to put drop much weight on me, "So, wifey, I suppose we can call this our honeymoon."

I roll my eyes and elbow him. He laughs in response while I walk over to the bed taking my sweet time.

"Sad, Martha's efforts will all be going to waste."

I still smile gathering a fistful of petals in my hand off the bed, "It's still sweet of her."

He nods in agreement when my eyes lock with his. He walks to sit next to me gathering petals as well. I thought he'd just push it aside, but holding them out in his palm, he blows on them and they come at my face. I find myself giggling with closed eyes as the petals softly fall over me.

"Aarav!" I exclaim in a scolding even as the smile remains on my lips and heart bursts with good vibes. When was the last time I laughed? Since the accident, I have been tensed and lost in another word. He must have noticed that and I knew... he was only doing this to make me smile.

He teases, "Yes, Shona?" as he goes on to shower more petals. This time, over my head.

I gather them as they fall on my lap and throw them back at him. Before long, we're engaged in a harmless fight, grins all over both our faces.

Minutes later, all the petals are on the floor and neither of us choose to gather them off the floor. I lay back on the bed, sobering up and catching my breath. "You're so silly."

"Admit it, we both needed this." He voices lying next to me, both our feet hanging off the edge of the bed. Mines don't touch the floor but I'm pretty sure his do.

We stay there in silence. Neither needs to ask to understand what the other must be thinking. There are so many topics haunting us, after all.

Minutes later, he breaks the silence with his eyes still fixated on the ceiling. "Do you want to shower or just change?"

"I can't get my cast wet."

"Sponge bath?"

I shake my head, "Too much trouble right now. I'll just change."

He sits up on his elbow for a second as he replies, "Alright," and leans in to kiss my temple. "I'll be back then."

Before he disappears in the washroom however, he brings my bag and places it over the bed so I can open it and change while staying on the bed. He's really the sweetest with the way he still takes care of me, doing these little things I wouldn't even have thought of just so I don't have to exert energy in walking on a fractured leg.

He locks the bedroom, grabs a towel and goes inside the bathroom to take a quick shower. He always has to shower before going to bed. Says you've been to so many places in the day. Yeah, sometimes, he can be picky. Even if he's dead tired, he won't deviate from his routine.

I remain laying for seconds longer until I hear the shower turn on. That's when I exhale and force myself to sit up. Eyes are heavy with sleep so might as well change quickly and turn in for the night.

I can worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

I clear my throat, standing in front of Aarav as he sits at the dining table eyes fixated on his tablet.

"Hmm, just a second." He answers scrolling. I'm sure it's some news app. I breathe out and snatch the tablet away. He is quick to try and reach for it, "Shona, I..." but I hide it behind me and silence his protest with a scolding.

"Shut it and eat your breakfast first, Raizada. Day one and you're already being difficult. Do you want your family to blame me when you end up in the hospital?"

He frowns and changes his mind to argue by picking up the spoon. He very well knows he needs to be eating on time to maintain his sugar levels and being impatient for any news regarding the announcement of our marriage, he was losing focus. I know he was waiting for a reaction from the right people. I was too, but that does not mean we ourselves behave recklessly.

I direct my attention to Vikas and Aarush now that I have managed to get Aarav to eat. "Do you two need a special invitation?"

The two of them glance between each other as if silently asking the other if I was talking to them. Then, Vikas dares to politely refuse, "We're good, Mrs. Raizada."

I have to bite back my tongue to not remind them my name is Jhanvi Raichand and instead cross my arms over my chest, "Are you going to be responsible for making a pregnant lady yell at you?"

Vikas looks uncertain while Aarush is still in his 'duty-mode' refusing to back down. Aarav inserts a comment, "If she yells, you may be out of your job."

That does it for Vikas as he walks off the corner of the room where he was standing by the window and approaches the dining table. I tap my finger over my crossed arms waiting for Aarush's resolve to crack as I hold an eye contact with him. He isn't afraid of losing his job, apparently. Well, probably because he already has one at the army, his real job, but still.

I open my mouth with the intention to pretend to yell when he gives in with a mumble, "Oh, alright. No need to yell on my account."

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. As tough as his exterior, atleast he cares over the fact that I am pregnant. See, being pregnant can have its benefits.

He pulls a chair out and turns his plate over on the placemat. I walk around to the only empty chair and sit as well to have breakfast.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .

Tonight as well, I wake up dreaming about the accident. Only, this time, it's not just the recent accident but also the car accident where my parents died from my childhood that growing up, I had blocked out of my memory. Now, as I learn more and more about my past, the memories seem to want to return in flashes. Sadly, none of the flashes are good memories.

I slide out of bed and quietly make my way towards the kitchen. The whole time, I am on the verge of crying. Something up till my throat as if ready to choke me.

Opening the fridge, I retrieve a bottle of unopened water. As much as I try, my sweaty hands don't allow me to twist open the cap. I grunt, putting the bottle on the counter with a thud trying to contain my emotions.

I hate feeling useless. I hate this fear and I hate this inability to sleep properly due to nightmares.

I am ready for this pregnancy hormones to stop acting up. I'd been told they get more intense as pregnancy progresses and I thought I could handle it. I've always been good at keeping myself composed, after all.

Alas, I'm being proven wrong and I hate it.

I just want to cry. Does that make me weak?

"Here, let me."

His sudden voice causes me to inhale sharply as it shakes my core. I try to avoid looking at him because I know if I did, I would cry. Whenever I am like this, a single interaction with just about anyone can make me lose it.

I try to deflect my trembling voice with humor, "We're going to have to stop meeting like this in the dark."

His hand comes around to pick up the bottle and in a single move, he easily twists it open and returns it from where he picked it up for me to pick it up. I want to hate him for how easy it was for him. At the same time, I am grateful at him for doing this for me.

Even though it is there and I can now have water, I just stare at the bottle. My vision gets blurry and I tilt my head up, scolding myself to not cry but it doesn't want to listen to me.

I blink and it trails down my cheeks. "It's pathetic, crying because I couldn't open a freaking bottle."

In my peripheral, he leans back against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest as if wordlessly giving me the go-ahead if I wanted to share something else. That he would listen patiently so I could get it off my chest.

I turn my head in his direction, wondering why he is being kind. Again, I tell myself to stop with my judging. I don't know anything about him. Maybe, he is normally a kind person.

Right?

But that authoritative show he had put on in the police station. What had he said to my Aunt that had flipped her a complete 360? In one second, she'd began to spill answers to every question.

Who is he?

As I think that, my gaze flickers to his stance. His muscles are on display given the rugged tee he is wearing compared to his full sleeve dress shirts I have seen him in till now.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Noticing his physical attractiveness when I'm ready to bawl my eyes out - over what, I can't even pinpoint.

What is wrong with me?

I count to three and exhale. Controlling my voice, I instruct, "If you're going to be silent, I'd prefer it if you'd leave."

If I was being rude, so be it. I'd rather be alone than feel conscious of his presence and brooding silence.

His weight on his feet shifts and I figure he made the choice to leave but instead, he pulls out a chair from his side and sits. "We both know it's not because of this bottle."

For the first time since he entered the kitchen, I lock my gaze to his in surprise. He actually spoke, and above it, he is so calm right now. No sign that he took offense over my tone. Add the fact that he is smart enough to figure there is a reason behind my current state.

I ask just to ensure I am not imagining this. "Why are you up right now?"

"Vikas and I take shifts."

"At night? Aren't you both taking this too seriously?"

"Nothing is more serious than a person's life... or two." He rectifies later.

I figure if we are going to talk, I might sit as well. Wiping my cheeks, I pull out the chair and sit back comfortably. Reaching for the bottle, I take a sip.

As the cool water trickles down my throat, I let out a sigh. Just what I needed. Wonderful how a simple gulp of water can do wonders to relax your body and refresh your being.

He clears his throat before asking, "So... what woke you up?"

I remember I am not alone and stop the silly act of relishing on simple water. "Recurring dreams." I go on to pick at the plastic wrapper around the bottle. "Though tonight, I also got flashes of mom's accident. That's the first time."

"You did have a close touch and go. Your fear is coming out as dreams, and that's a good thing."

I raise my brows, "Excuse me?"

He retraces on realizing how his words came off, "I just mean that if you are afraid of dying, then you have something to live for. That is usually a good thing."

I suppress my defensive tactics and think over his words. That is one perspective I hadn't looked at.

It is slightly daunting that he has been keeping an eye on me for months, making me wonder what his impression of me already is while I only know of him for last 2 days.

I ask just so it's a two-sided conversation and I don't come off as self-obsessed who only cares for talking about herself. "What are you afraid of?"

"Nothing."

I push for an answer, "Everyone is afraid of something. C'mon, I won't tell anyone. What do you have to live for? Surely you don't prefer to put your life on the line for strangers?"

He closes off suddenly, returning to his previous self of answering curtly and to the point, or not answering at all. "This conversation isn't about me."

Before I can wrap my head around how quick he shuts me out, he stands up and walks around the chair to leave. The switch in his behavior stuns me entirely, putting me at loss of words.

What just happened?

I speak up just as he reaches the exit of the kitchen. "Wait, I'm sorry if something I said offended you."

He momentarily stops which lets me know atleast he heard my apology. Without turning to me, he suggests. "You should get back to bed, Mrs. Raizada."

I breathe out realizing I blew my chance to get on friendly terms with him. He'd taken one step towards it, for some reason, but my tendency to ask people tons of questions backfired on me - as always.

I attempt at reconciliation. "Help me, then?"

Without hesitation, he turns back and walks to me, holding out his hand. I am reminded of yesterday when he'd done the same thing. As I put my hand in his, I get the same feeling I did then. Even if his hands are calloused and rough - understandable given his profession - they are warm and gentle when they wrap over my fingers to support me.

As I felt the night we first met when he had saved me, it passes a sense of safety.

Quietly, keeping to my slow pace, he helps me back to my room. I sense that he is ready to leave my hand. I tighten my grip over it and as assumed, he glances at me in confusion. I express for pushing him to answer a question he deemed intrusive, "I'm sorry, again."

The area around his eyes soften in response and that's all the clue I get that he accepts it because his words and curt tone say something else. "Good night, Mrs. Raizada." Then, his palm slides out of mine and he walks away.

It's tough to figure him out when he insists on being so secretive and professional. Even with Aarav, I didn't have such a hard time. Atleast with my thoughts distracted from the earlier dreams, I am able to go back to sleep and stay asleep for the rest of the night.

. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .