when i was about two, my family found out i had selective mutism. (basically means i can't speak in public places.. like, at all.) they were super over- protective and tried to keep me out of the way of bullies, and they made sure i knew everything i was going to be taught in school before i even knew what school was. i was easily the smartest person in my k4 and k5 classes. except none of the students or teachers knew that.

in first grade, the kids really started to bully me. it got so bad that i would pee my pants and the school would have to call my parents to come and bring me a change of clothes. i'm pretty sure it was also around this time that my mom signed me up for therapy. i had to go see someone once a week outside of school as well as once everyday in the morning and once a week during class in school. none of them helped. well, maybe the one in the mornings. i would scream and cry every day in an attempt to convince my mom not to make me go to school, and so whenever i got into the counselor's room she'd help me calm down by giving me a sheet of paper and a pen. (we had this thing where you scribbled a bunch of lines that overlapped or whatever and then took some crayons and filled in each space with a different color. it actually really helped tbh.) the other counselor in my school that i visited during class was supposed to help me speak. she made me even more paranoid though. we would take play- doh and make different things (mainly snails) and then at the end of every class she would set up a divider between us and wait for me to talk- i never did. sometimes she'd give me little puppets that made noise and force me to walk down the halls and 'say hi' (make the puppet make noise) to every person we came across. it scared me. a lot. these counselors lasted until fifth grade, i believe. i had therapy outside of school, but it was so bad i don't even want to think about it. (we switched therapists often bc most of them gave up, but one time one of them told my mom to take me over to a relative's house that i didn't know and leave me there alone in a room and if i needed food/water/to use the restroom, i'd have to talk/yell. no knocking allowed... yeah.)

in sixth grade, i became really good friends with one of the best people ever. (well technically, it was fifth grade but...) thank you so much for making my first year of middle school not complete shit, Nick_di_Angelo-Ride. i was totally awkward and didn't learn shit that year, but tbh i don't remember most of it. except that there was a lot of notes exchanged.

seventh grade was a bit... different. i found my love for writing, dyed part of my hair blue and then my whole head was red and agh it was a journey. but i also met someone. and i'm not gonna name them but nick knows who i'm talking about and so do they. i gave her a note around the middle of the year and she was officially the first person i came out as bi to. she was beyond supportive. i even talked to her outside of school.. with my voice. XD she said i sounded adorable and that my accent was amazing and genuinely made me feel great about who i was/am. therefore, i decided it was okay to have a crush on her. she wasn't the only girl i had ever found attractive, but she's the only crush i had that actually went somewhere. when i told her how i felt, however, she said she wasn't ready to have a relationship. shortly after, she got with a guy. (she's bi, like me. i identified as a girl at the time just fyi.) i was fucking numb. i started cutting and purging and she didn't do shit to stop me. no one did, really. no one has time for that shit. i still hurt myself and no one gives a fuck. anyways, blah blah blah heartbreak blah blah blah suicide blah- yeah you get the point. basically, my seventh grade year and the summer following it were both shitty AF. my parents never found out about any of this. they thought i was completely happy and okay. lol

my eighth grade year. oh god. i came in ready to see all of my friends and learn, but it quickly went downhill when i saw who was in my class. EA, EB, and RM- thank you guys for making me feel totally worthless. EB called me faggot many times. EA made fun of my disorders every chance he got. RM just loooved torturing me. oh, and so did MS. and basically everyone else in my class. but there were some good parts. i became friends with this guy named james and although he's hurt me a few times, i love him so, so much- err, in a friendly way. no homo bro. i also had a pretty fantastic time with the girl i was in love with, even if she killed me inside a little more everyday. and, of course, i wouldn't trade nick for the world, even if she hates me sometimes. oh and shoutout to all the other friends i made/still talked to: kiki, sam, ethan s., skylar, alea, catie, agh i shouldn't have started this list bc i'm too tired to think soz guys :/ this was also the first year that i told my parents how i feel about the lgbtq+ community, hate, society, fashion, etc. so yay me.

now it's the summer break before ninth grade, i'm fourteen, and i'm highly depressed. um.. i mean... i'm proud of who i'm becoming and it's gonna be a long and painful process but i think if i just keep surviving then maybe some things will go right or something.

-danny👽