The note book started off about him ranting about how he hated Mr. Smith. That was given though but then it went to another part. This part read:

If only I could tell him, but how would I put it into words. And if I ever did tell him he would never want to be friends with me. He would think it was weird to share a room with a gay boy who liked him.

And there that's the truth, the truth I wish I could tell him. I am gay, and I like you a lot.
But how would he react. Yes he is bi but that doesn't mean he likes me. Ugh why is this so hard.

It's hard sometimes to talk to him, I will get lost in sin thinking what if...

And, oh God if Alex ever finds this I will literally die. But I do hope before I die I am able to tell him how much I do love him. But let's face the facts; that's never going to happen.

He really did like me...  It wasn't just the dream talking.

I need to take my pills.

I get up and go to the kitchen leaving the journal open on the floor.  I open our medicine cabinet.  The collages guidance counselor had told me to go to a therapist and she had prescribed these for me.

I seemed to be running out of them faster then I should.  I have only four left and there are still two days left of the week.

I pour myself water and take one pill.  The amount I should be taking on a day-to-day basis.  They are supposed to help me calm down.

I sit down for about ten minutes to let them kick in but they don't seem to be working.  I need another one...

I take another, and go back to my room.  There is a slight pain in my stomach, not from the pills but from the though of the journal.  The though of John.

I have to read on...

It goes to the next day, it talks relatively about the same stuff and this just makes me feel worse and worse.

The pills still aren't working...

I finally end up getting to the day before the shooting.  

The day before his death.  

I don't know how I am really holding on right now, just the thought of him at this point makes me smile.  I feel dumb and stupid around him, but safe and warm.  I just feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but of course I can't he will probably start a family with that Eliza girl, he seemed to be giving her the looks lately, and even though it hurts to say this I have to face the truth.

He will never, ever, like me.

But I have to tell him, I have to.  I am hoping somewhat that he finds this and reads what I have to say for himself but If not I will have to tell him myself.  That wont end badly right? 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Can't believe this year is over, let alone the entire decade!

Hope you enjoyed!  Thanks for reading!

(Sorry this chapter is so short I was busy today, but I will make the next one longer and have it out tomorrow!)

~Author