Stirring the spoon around my milkshake I scoop the caramel foam onto it in order to remove the top layer from spilling. I salivate the taste while waiting for Jamie to arrive. She sent me a text saying her younger cousins are coming along because she got stuck with last minute babysitting.

Not that I mind because her cousins are absolutely adorable despite her insisting they're seven year old devils, twins always are difficult.

I take a sip just as my sides are zapped, almost spitting out my drink I recover hearing Jamie's laugh. She has a distinctive laugh that reminds me of a chipmunk although it's not an ugly high pitched one rather the cuter possibility.

"Hey Kiza," She slides into the booth opposite me, pulling her bag over the top of her hwad with a sigh. "The ankle biters are in Timezone but after the hours up they'll come over here."

I smile slightly at her infectious smile, she pushes her hair from her face before sinking into the leather. "You trust them not to run a muck?"

"Well not really but they won't be getting McDonald's or watching The Hunger Games when we leave," She explains, nodding as the waitress puts a coffee on the table with a muffin."Thank you, it looks delicious."

"You're in a good mood."

She picks up her coffee, tapping her black nails against the ceramic. "That's because the coffee here is better than any Starbucks and coffee is my true love. It keeps you warm and doesn't lie to you."

I chuckle in amusement at the subtle dig of her ex-boyfriend. Not that I necessarily blame her because when they broke up after two years - on mutual grounds - she discovered he had been dating another girl for the previous two months. When he had told her he was reconciling with his father.

"I'll stick to my skittles," I nod as she shakes her head with a small laugh. "He hasn't tried to contact you again, has he?"

"Nope. I think he got the message," Jamie bites her lip and I try not to snort. "Anyways, let's not discuss my impulsive criminal activity. You said you needed to talk, what's up?"

My smile slips and I drop my spoon into the glass cup. Even though I don't like to talk about things, Jamie is the one person I can actually talk to. About the things I can't talk to with Taylor or Blair, even my father. I struggle to talk about my mom's death and anxiety but with her I get empathy.

When my mom died I shut down completely to the point my dad dragged me to a support group. I listened to several stories with those who deal with mental illness or lost ones the same as I have. Jamie was one who didn't say they're sorry for me but rather distracted me from the pit of darkness I was in.

"You know Wednesday is my mom's birthday," I lick my lips nervously and shrug slightly. "My dad's work is stressing him out, plus he's started drinking excessively when he isn't working. I think he's starting to feel it as well and I haven't really thought about it at all."

"How come you haven't thought about it?" She waits for an answer but it doesn't come. "My guess you've had other things on your mind so what's been going on there?"

"Well I've kind of got," I stop myself from going into a spiel, shaking my head. "I've got a boyfriend - at least I hope I do - who comes with his own problems as well as my own."

Her lips part in shock until they twist into a grin. "What's he like? Hair? Eyes? Is he tall or short? Does he have any hobbies? What's his favorite colour? I need details."

"Firstly you sound like a stalker," She puts down her coffee and starts rummaging through her bag. "What are you doing?"

Pulling out her phone she taps on it before holding it out to me with the Facebook search engine. "I want to see what he looks like and do some investigating of my own to make sure he's good for you."

"He's got a reputation so what you find out won't be good," I reluctantly take the phone from her and hesitate before typing in his name. "Besides we might not even be together anymore. I wouldn't really know."

I hand her the phone back as she starts investigating as she says. "Well I'm guessing his reputation was given to him by a few mistakes. I know how that can screw your life up but he isn't involved in social media much. Does he have a brother?"

"Yeah how did you-" She flashes me her phone and I notice her on Nate's Facebook page. "Are you seriously stalking his brother?"

"Well Rhys himself isn't active but his brother is and I can tell you that you've got yourself a looker," She locks her phone, leaving it on the table. "Okay so I can visualize this guy, tell me why you're on the verge of breaking up?"

"We got into two fights yesterday. The first was over a guy hitting on me and underlying the fact I had said we weren't together before hand," I fiddle with my ring while trying to word this properly. "Then him and his friend embarrassed me in public by proposing to me, I nearly had a panic attack so his brother asked me if I was okay. Rhys told him about my history of anxiety."

Slowly she nods and picks up her coffee again. "First thing, what's with you saying you aren't dating?"

"Instinct because everyone warned me off of him and I made a deal about us being just friends until we weren't anymore."

"As in friends with benefits or?"

"We went on a date," I clarify with a frown although I know she's trying to decipher my actions. "We admitted to liking each other not that long ago. I think the main thing is we haven't known each other long enough to go there, circumstances have brought us together."

"You can like each other without a time frame. But knowing you and your exterior his actions must have endeared you somehow," With a sip she takes a moment to think before continuing. "Actions are louder than words sometimes, although they can make an impact themselves. But you've told him about your anxiety which is a big step."

I nod slowly. "I told him that I had panic attacks and hadn't had one for seven months. Well, until Friday Night."

"Does he know that your panic attacks are linked to your mom's death?" I shake my head and wait for her to realise. "Does he know how your mom died?"

"It's not something you can simply bring up in conversation," I snap unintentionally while she frowns. "Besides I'm worried he'll see me differently. I don't want him to pity me and feel like he needs to stick around because of it. I'm a lot to handle, it isn't easy being around me."

Sighing she puts down her half empty cup. "Sometimes you need to let people in and if he doesn't know about it then how will he understand why it's so personal?"

"Because he thinks it's when I get too much attention," I explain, swallowing the increasing lump in my throat. "He thinks it's social anxiety, not PTSD because there's a difference. When I'm at school and people stare at me it reminds me of the paramedics, doctors, police officers who all stared at me the night she died."

"What happened was going to leave a scar on you," She reaches out to grab my hand when my mood changes to an almost hysteric state. "You discovered her body and you're the one who held her as she died."

I try to bite back the sob although it seems futile. She tries to grab my hand but I'm quick to stand with tears in my eyes. "I need to use the bathroom."

Walking through the cafe quickly I try to keep a somewhat decent exterior although everything is becoming blurry at the moment. I hate talking about her death because all I think about is how I couldn't save her. She had lost too much blood and if I had been home quicker, she could have been alive still.

Taking the keys from the door I look around for mom as I smell her perfume lingering in the air. I kick the door shut with my foot, tossing my keys on the wooden table while shoving the remainder of my sausage roll into my mouth.

I know mom said to come home straight away after school but the girls wanted to get some food. Besides the bakery is too good not to go to, even if it's with the dance team. I take the stairs two at a time and enter my bedroom, when I do so I notice my bed made with an envelope leaning against the pillows.

Dumping my bag I reach out for it to see who it's from until I realize there's no posting address. I tear it up and barely read the first line before I drop it to the bed. Quickly I turn around and head to my parents room.

"Mom!" I yell, voice cracking when I don't get a response.

The knot in my stomach tightens when I notice the light of their ensuite on and swallow. I rush towards it, the door swinging open when my eyes instantly land on the mirror. The glass is smashed, cracked to shards while some of it has crimson smeared across it.

In the spider web pattern my heart stops when I see the murky water and dark hair floating in it. Pushing the door open further I rush to the bathtub, seeing a bubble of air come up. I reach in and tuck my hands underneath her arm pits.

Although I'm screaming for her I can't hear the noise. I can barely breathe and concentrate but I register pulling her out, accidentally banging my head on the vanity.

I start compressions on her chest. She spits water out. I roll her on her side.

Propping her head into my lap I reach for the towels hanging up, disregarding the fact they're white. I try to put pressure on the cuts to stop them bleeding and somewhere in between the chaos I manage to call 991.

"Let me die," Her voice is raw and staring into her dull brown eyes I feel the earth crumbling beneath my feet. "I love you."

Splashing my face with water I try to cool myself off despite my face burning with heat. My eyes are red from crying and I've spent the past ten minutes doing so. I still blame myself for her death because if I hadn't been selfish, she could have been alive.

I should have been home on time like she asked. I could have prevented it. And whenever its her birthday it's a reminder that she isn't around anymore.

I pat my face dry with paper towel, knowing that I can't hide away in here forever. But Jamie's right. How can I get angry at Rhys when he only has the best intentions in mind? He's trying to protect me from his enemies and myself.

I've been told that my mom and I are a lot alike, that's become more apparent now. Except my demons won't get the best of me, I won't let them. They can't take me over like they did with her.

"Kira?" The door swings open and I notice Jamie with her bag on her shoulder, mine in her hands. "Your dad called twice so I answered. . ."

She holds out my phone which I take hesitantly. "Hello?"

"Hey Kira I know that this could have waited until you got home but I felt like I should warn you."

"Warn me about what?"

"Rhys stopped by and he left you a note," My heart picks up and I exhale waiting for him to continue. "It's a letter, essay length or something. He said he's sorry about yesterday which leads me to asking if everything's alright between you two?"

"Everything's peachy," I lie, getting slapped on the arm by Jamie. She gives me a deadpan look as if telling me not to lie. "I think I'll be home soon anyways."

"Whatever is going on between you and Rhys - I don't really mind at the moment as long as it doesn't hurt you - I don't know how but it's as if you forget temporarily what else is happening," He pauses and exhales. "I appreciate what he's doing which is why I want him to come over Wednesday night, he can bring his brother-"

"Wait what?" I interrupt, blinking a few times. "That's her birthday and-"

"We used to have dinner followed by a movie and I want to start that tradition again," I swallow and feel a numbness take over my body temporarily. "You can invite the girls as well - even that weird Lachlan kid - because I know that it's always difficult for you no matter how much you try to hide you're okay. You need support and you have it."

"Can we talk about this when I get home?"

He sighs. "See you when you get home."

When he disconnects the call it takes me a moment before I look to Jamie. Her eyes have softened, giving me a soft smile while I try to keep my composure. It's the first time we've talked about her birthday, let alone planned something for it which means that we're both getting over her death finally.

Or at least accepting she's no longer present in our lives.

"Are you okay?" Nodding I take my bag from her while starting a text to Rhys.

"I'm not really but I don't want to talk about it," I whisper and continue. "We're having a dinner on Wednesday for her birthday, do you want to come?"

She seems shocked and it takes a few seconds for the words to register. "Wow. Yeah, sure I'll come. If that's what you want?" I press send with an exhale.

To Rhys 🍣
My dad just told me you dropped by. I honestly don't know how to word this text to you but I'll start with I'm sorry. This week is rough for me and it doesn't excuse my behaviour but I'm hoping it'll make sense soon. I need to talk to you after school tomorrow about this so you understand.

"That's what I want."

Now you know what happened to her mother. It was a difficult chapter for me to write without it being overly exposing of her suicide although you could of had a vague idea from the hints I left.

Question: what do you think of Jamie?

Thoughts? Feelings? Predictions?

-inspiredrlh 💕