Kiyondo: Y'know, I once knew a man who said to me: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." He also had a pair of sideburns that would cause even Jude Law's face to weep in forfeit. You put those lemons in a sack and beat your enemies with 'em! And maybe if you beat 'em hard enough the bag will split open and lemon juice will spray into their eyes, causing intense burning pains as you crush them into a citrus-y pulp!
Taka: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Their heads or the lemons?
Kiyondo: Whatever caves first!

---------

Kiyondo, to Taka: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

---------

Taka: Be careful about succumbing to these sorts of destructive... urges. Addiction can be a powerful thing.
Kiyondo: So am I. Bow down before your new supreme overlord, bitches.

---------

Kiyondo: Mint is just cold spicy.
Taka: What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

---------

Kiyondo: Thank God you were there, Taka. I knew you wouldn't let your brother die.
Taka: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead.
Kiyondo: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting them out of their shell.

---------

Kiyondo: Do I least have a chance to explain myself?
Taka: This is Japan, so nope!
Kiyondo: This isn't Japan, this is HOPES PEAK!

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Taka: What the fuck is wrong with you??
Kiyondo: What? No good morning?
Taka: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??

---------

Taka: You read my diary?
Kiyondo: In my defense, I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

---------

Kiyondo: Taka and I are so close we even share a toothbrush.
Taka: We what?

---------

Taka: If you could guess, how many brain cells do you have?
Kiyondo: Dorito's cool ranch.
Taka:
Taka: I'm just gonna assume zero for now.
Kiyondo: I love that song.

---------

Taka: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.
Kiyondo: All I drank was Redbull!
Taka: How many?
Kiyondo: Eighteen.

---------

Taka: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don't get along?
Kiyondo: What did you just say-
Taka: Foetons! *Laughs*
Kiyondo: Wh-what?

---------

Kiyondo: Taka...
Taka: Oh no, 'Taka' in B flat.
Taka: You're disappointed.

---------

Kiyondo: Why are you late?
Taka: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness.
Kiyondo: Overslept?
Taka: Overslept.

---------

Taka: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.
Kiyondo: Heck.
Taka: You're on thin fucking ice.
Kiyondo: ...
Taka: Oh no.

---------

Taka: So uh, for this date I'm having, and everything, do you, uh...
Kiyondo, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you?
Taka, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES???

---------

Kiyondo: Then either Sonic is a god or could kill god, and I do not care if there is a difference.

---------

Kiyondo: *pulls back the curtain while Taka is showering*
Kiyondo: Hey did we - stop screaming it's me - did we run out of Cheerios?

---------

Kiyondo: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.
Taka: Actually, Kiyo, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

---------

Taka: Vegetarians love the environment. They also think carnivores are sick freaks.
Kiyondo: How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. they keep eating all the fucking plants.

---------

Kiyondo: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for the cats?
Taka: They need to learn how to protect each other.

---------

Kiyondo: Are you busy?
Taka: Yes.
Kiyondo: Cool, listen to this.

---------

Taka: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer.
Kiyondo: You're right, Taka.. Violence can't be the answer.
Taka: Correct, Kiyo. Now, on to the next lesso-
Kiyondo: Violence is the question.
Kiyondo: And the answer is yes!
Taka: Kiyo, no!!

---------

Kiyondo, holding a fork: You know your talking a lot of shit for someone who has 2 perfectly good eyeballs each cost about $16,000 on the blackmarket.
Taka: ....
Kiyondo: *lip smack*

---------

Kiyondo: Good morning!
Taka: Is it? Is it really?

---------

Taka: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.
Kiyondo, eyes wide: I know what I saw.

---------

Taka: Kiyondo... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Kiyondo: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Taka:
Taka: I wrote sanitize, Kiyondo.

---------

Kiyondo: When do you usually go to sleep?
Taka: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

---------

Taka: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I'd tell you when we're in too deep?
Kiyondo: Yes?
Taka: We're in too deep.

---------

Taka: Kiyondo, how could you possibly have gotten into this much trouble in one day?
Kiyondo: It... It didn't take me the whole day...

---------

Kiyondo: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Taka: We could attack them with hummus.
Kiyondo: I stand corrected.
Taka: Just keeping things in perspective.

---------

Taka: There's something I have to ask about you-know-who.
Kiyondo: Voldemort?
Taka: No.
Kiyondo: Is it Voldemort?
Taka: It's not Voldemort.
Kiyondo: You haven't mentioned wizards once this conversation, so I'm gonna have to assume it's Voldemort.

---------

Kiyondo: What's gone wrong, Taka?
Taka: Hey! That's one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I'm calling doesn't mean there's a crisis.
Kiyondo: That's technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?
Taka: Well... There's a crisis.

---------

Taka: *is visibly upset*
Kiyondo: Taka, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country, when we were 8.

---------

Taka: You're not my friend anymore.
Kiyondo: I was your friend?

---------

Kiyondo: Taka, you risked your life to save me!
Taka: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.

---------

Kiyondo: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?
Taka: No, I said "Kiyondo, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.
Kiyondo: Good times.

---------

Kiyondo: Are you drinking enough water?
Taka: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth.

---------

Taka: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.
Kiyondo: ...but we're on the ground floor.
Taka: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

---------

Kiyondo: :)
Taka: >:(
Kiyondo: Turn that frown upside down!
Taka: ):<
Kiyondo: Not sure what I was expecting...

---------

*Kiyondo spots Taka messaging someone*
Kiyondo: You use emoji's like a straight person.
Taka: That's literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

---------

Taka: I wish I was a dinosaur.
Kiyondo: Why? Cause they're big and scary?
Taka: Because they're dead.

---------

Kiyondo: Hey, if you type in your password, it'll show in stars.
Kiyondo: ********* see!
Taka: fuckalgebra2
Taka: Doesn't look like stars to me.
Kiyondo: Taka: ************
Kiyondo: That's what I see.
Taka: Oh, really?
Kiyondo: Absolutely.
Taka: You can go fuckalgebra2 my fuckalgebra2-ing fuckalgebra2.
Taka: Haha, does that look funny to you?
Kiyondo: Lol, yes. See when YOU type fuckalgebra2, it shows it to us as ************
Taka: That's cool. I didn't know this site did that.
Kiyondo: Yup. No matter how many times you type fuckalgebra2, it will show to us as ************
Taka: Awesome.
Taka: Wait, how do you know my password?
Kiyondo: Er, I just copy pasted YOUR ************'s and it appears to YOU as fuckalgebra2 cause it's your password.
Taka: Oh, ok.

---------

Kiyondo: How did you break your leg?
Taka: Do you see those porch stairs?
Kiyondo: Yes.
Taka: I didn't.

---------

Kiyondo: You need to be more fucking careful!
Taka, who was dragged into Kiyondo's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT-

---------

Kiyondo: Taka, I screwed up, big time.
Taka: Kiyondo, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.

---------

Taka: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Kiyondo: The whole "childhood wonder" stage just blew right past you, didn't it?

---------

Kiyondo, grinning: I have a knife!
Taka: Put it down, Kiyondo.
Kiyondo: Make me! *sprints away*

---------

Taka: Why are you on fire?
Kiyondo: Its just how my life is going.

---------

*While planning to break in somewhere*
Kiyondo: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"
Taka: What?
Kiyondo: "Get Help."
Taka: No.
Kiyondo: C'mon, you love it!
Taka: I hate it.
Kiyondo: It's great! It works every time!
Taka: It's humiliating.
Kiyondo: Do you have a better plan?
Taka: No.
Kiyondo: We're doing it!
Taka: We are not doing "Get Help!"
*A Minute Later*
Kiyondo, carrying Taka: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! *throws Taka at guards, knocking them out*
Kiyondo: Ahh, classic!
Taka: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.
Kiyondo, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

---------

Kiyondo: Taka, fuck off.
Kiyondo: And by "fuck off" I mean "fuck off right back here and listen", you insufferable prick.

---------

Kiyondo: Just say when.
Taka When.
Kiyondo: I-
Kiyondo: Now or later?
Taka: Oh.

---------

Kiyondo: Damn, Taka, are you secretly cool?
Taka: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.
Kiyondo: No I don't.
Taka: There's your answer.

---------

Kiyondo: Just be careful, Taka!
Taka: *heading out the door* I'm always careful, Kiyondo!
Taka: It's everything around me that's careless.

---------

Kiyondo: Change is inedible.
Taka: Don't you mean inevitable?
Kiyondo, spitting out a bunch of pennies: No, I really didn't.

---------

Kiyondo: I think it's time I get my life in order.
Taka, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

---------

Taka: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?
Kiyondo: wHat?
Taka: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.
Kiyondo: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

---------

Kiyondo: I need to dye my hair again.
Taka: ...
Kiyondo: Or get a tattoo.
Taka: ...
Kiyondo: Or a new piercing.
Taka: Why?
Kiyondo: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

---------

Taka: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test!
Kiyondo: Ok, Taka, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918?
Taka: 1917.
Kiyondo: ...You're ready.

---------

Kiyondo: I wouldn't put it in those words exactly.
Taka: Why not?
Kiyondo: Because I don't know what they mean.

---------

Kiyondo: *slams books down in front of Taka*
Kiyondo: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It's gonna be a long night.
Taka: You could of said literally anything else.
Kiyondo: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.
Taka: I'm going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won't win. I realize this now.

---------

Kiyondo: So, I've been thinking Taka-
Taka: That's dangerous.

---------

Kiyondo: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!
Kiyondo: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!
Taka: Kiyondo just threw a tantrum about a chair.
Taka: I just won Kiyondo Tantrum Bingo.

---------

Kiyondo: Look, Taka, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

---------

Kiyondo, throwing a pokeball at Taka: Taka, I choose you!
Taka, not looking up from their book and catching it: You need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon.

---------

Taka: Kill me nowwwww.
Kiyondo: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.

---------

Kiyondo: I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU!
Taka: Okay, can you do the dishes?
Kiyondo: No!

---------

Taka: Kiyondo, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.
Kiyondo: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?

---------

Kiyondo: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd.
Taka: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can't just say blue because there's more than one blue.
Kiyondo: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd.

---------

Taka: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.
Kiyondo: Only if you also don't ask why.
Kiyondo: *pulls four pristine human skulls out of their bag*
Taka: ...
Taka, grabbing a skull: This one will do.

---------

Kiyondo: I just wanna be called cute 21/7.
Taka: Why no 24/7?
Kiyondo: Snack breaks.

---------

Kiyondo: Is it just me or is instant ramen even better uncooked?
Taka: It's just you.

---------

Taka: *Answers phone.* Hello?
Kiyondo: It's Kiyondo.
Taka: What did they do this time?
Kiyondo: No, it's me, Taka. It's actually me.
Taka: What did you do this time?

---------

Taka: I think this might be a bad idea...
Kiyondo: Don't start thinking on me now!

---------

Taka: Where did you get that tomato soup?
Kiyondo: It's actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

---------

Kiyondo: *closes a cabinet*
*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*
Taka: What was that?
Kiyondo: The sound of someone else's problem.

---------

Kiyondo: Ugh, there's always that weak bitch in the group who isn't down with murder.
Kiyondo: *glares at Taka*
Taka: Well, sorry I have morals!

---------

Kiyondo: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?
Taka: Neither.
Taka: Because it's twelve.

---------

Taka: Fight me!
Kiyondo, standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

---------

Kiyondo, handing a balloon to Taka: I have no soul. Have a good day!
Taka, walking off: I don't have one either.

---------

Kiyondo: You're giving me a sticker?
Taka: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying "me-wow!"
Kiyondo: I'm not a preschooler.
Taka: Fine, I'll take it back-
Kiyondo: I earned this, back off!

---------

Taka: We'll find another route, it's not safe for amateur adventurers.
Kiyondo: That sounds like a challenge.
Taka: I have to stress, that is not a challenge.
Kiyondo: ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted!
Taka: There is no challenge!

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i love this idea 

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