Spike and I were in his crypt again, laying under a rug, looking around at the candles burning on many surfaces, magazines scattered across the floor, having broken some of the furniture around. 

I looked around. "Uh, we missed the bed again."

Spike looked toward the bed. "Lucky for the bed."

I chuckled, lifting myself up on my elbows, looking at the rug covering us. "Is this a new rug?"

"Mm, no," Spike answered. "Just looks different when you're under it."

I laughed a little, looking around. "You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up."

"Well, I ate a decorator once," Spike told me. "Maybe something stuck."

I laid my head on my arm, facing him. "I've been thinking about doing something to my room."

Spike moved closer to me. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I answered. "I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me."

Spike chuckled. "Well, if you want, I can..."

"What?" I asked when he didn't finish.

Spike smirked, shaking his head. "Just weird that we're having a normal conversation."

"Yeah, it is weird," I agreed. "But it's not bad."

"Not bad?" Spike repeated in amusement, grinning, leaning his forehead against my arm, lifting his head, running his finger up and down my arm. "You were amazing."

I smirked slightly. "You got the job done yourself."

"I was just trying to keep up," Spike told me. "The things you do..."  He smirked. "The way you make it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an animal." 

I frowned slightly in confusion. "Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Absolutely," Spike answered. I couldn't help a little blush, looking down. "Say whatever you want, Francis, but I can see that you feel some kind of reconnection to humanity when you're with me."

"Which is ironic to say, given the circumstances," I told him. 

"Funny," Spike told me sarcastically.

I smirked. "I've got to go. Mom and Dawn need me home. Besides you, my family is what makes me feel most connected to any sort of feelings. My friends do, too... but not as much."

"And off she goes," Spike told me. "You really have to leave so soon?"

"I have some time to spare," I answered. "They don't get home for at least half an hour."

Spike smirked, turning away, taking out a pair of handcuffs. "So you have half an hour. Do you trust me?"

I gave him a sarcastic look. "Never."

Spike smiled.

  ••••••  

I got home later that night, walking inside, hearing music from the living room. "I'm home." I put my jacket down, looking into the living room to see that Xander and Dawn were dancing to the music, horrified by the thought that we could be going through another musical. "Is there singing?" I saw that Mom, Anya, Willow and Buffy were sitting on the couch, watching, walking closer. "Are we singing again?"

"Nope, just the dancing," Xander answered.

"We're teaching Dawn perfectly synchronized dance steps for the wedding reception," Mom explained.

Xander spun Dawn around into a dip, making her giggle delightedly, pulling her back up, looking at me. "Wanna go for a spin?"

"Uh, think I'm heading more towards an ungainly collapse," I told them, walking over to sit between Mom and Willow.

"Aw, rough night?" Dawn asked, walking over to sit next to me and Mom.

"Kinda," I answered.

"Well, with you taking over patrolling every night because I'm working at the Doublemeat Palace, you've been going at it too hard, Zoey," Buffy told me. "We hardly ever see you anymore."

"You are looking a little pounded," Anya told me. I gave her a weird look. "Just around the eyes."

"Hey, we're thinking of heading to the Bronze later," Willow told me. "Wanna come, get all unwindy?"

"Tall glasses of frosty relaxation on me," Xander told us. "Nectar of the working man."

"No, thanks," I told them. "I think I'll stay here with Dawn and Mom." We heard a car horn honking outside. "Curl up on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn and..." Dawn walked toward the door, picking up her jacket. "Listen to the cars honk? Where are you going?"

"I'm sleeping over at Janice's," Dawn answered.

"And I'm falling for that again because of the surprise lobotomy?" I asked sarcastically.

Mom smiled. "It's okay. I checked it out. Janice's mom is picking her up."

I nodded. "Oh."

"I didn't think you'd care," Dawn told me. "You're never home, so..."

I sighed, getting up, walking toward Dawn apologetically. "I know, I'm sorry. You know, but I--I'm here now. All visible and everything. And tomorrow night, promise we'll get to hang out like we used to. Okay?" 

Dawn looked surprised and excited. "Really?"

"Yeah," I answered. "What are you gonna be doing over at Janice's?"

"Oh, her mom's cooking Mexican," Dawn answered. "She's gonna teach me how to make real tortillas. With Mom always working and you always patrolling, I'm feeling kinda left out."

"Yeah, I get it," Mom told her. "I'm sorry. We'll try to fix that son."

"You guys always say that," Dawn told us. "And even when you really mean it, either the hospital makes Mom work overtime, or there's another beast that comes up that needs slaying. I get it, I'm not blaming either of you. I just..."

"Feeling alone," I finished. "I get it. Go have fun. Okay?"

Dawn smiled a little, nodding. Mom and I both gave her a hug. Dawn walked out of the house.

Mom looked at me. "Take your own advice. Go have fun. I just got off of a 24 hour shift, and I need to sleep. Go be with your friends."

I managed a small smile. "Okay." Mom smiled, kissing me on the cheek, walking upstairs to go to sleep. I turned to Buffy, Xander, Anya and Willow, sighing. "Frosty nectar, now please."

They smiled.

  ••••••  

At the Bronze that night, Willow, Buffy and I were sitting together, listening to the retro style music, watching Xander and Anya swing dance on the dance floor.

"What are they doing?" Willow asked. "We're not going to have to do that at the wedding, are we? 'Cause there's this last thread of dignity I've been desperately clinging to."

"You're still doing okay, right?" I asked.

"Yeah," Willow answered. "You know, some days are harder than the really hard days. It's easier like this, though, when I'm not alone."

Buffy and I were both contrite.

"I'm sorry we haven't been around that much," Buffy told her.

"No, that's not--it's okay," Willow told us. "We know you've both been all tied up."

I looked at them, startled. "What?"

"With Buffy's job, and you with the slaying," Willow told me.

Buffy nodded in agreement. I sighed, taking a drink.

Xander and Anya walked toward them after they finished dancing.

"Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing," Xander told us.

"Come share in the joy of our groove thing," Anya told us.

"And despite that, I succumb to the beat," Willow told us, standing.

Buffy smiled, standing.

"I think I'll catch the next Soul Train out," I told them.

"You sure?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, yeah," I answered. "You know...." I held up my empty plastic cup. "Glass all the way empty. More nectar required."

"Cool," Xander told me. "Well, shimmy on out when you're done lubricating."

I gave them a smile, watching the others go out onto the dance floor, watching them dance and have lots of fun, slowly letting the smile fade pensively, thinking about Dawn and Mom, a little contrite about the fact that Dawn felt so left out because of everything that was going on, and neither Mom or I could really help because our jobs.

I sighed, standing, walking over to the bar, putting my empty cup on the bar, waiting for the bartender for a moment, then changed my mind, turning, walking away, leaving the cup behind, walking upstairs to the balcony, which was deserted because almost everyone was downstairs drinking or talking or dancing.

The swing music faded away to a slower, sad piece.

I leaned on the railing, looking over the dance floor to everyone dancing, including the Scoobies, smiling a small, sad smile.

Spike walked up behind me. "You see, you try to be with them, but you always end up in the dark..." He whispered in my ear. "With me. What would they think of you... if they found out... all the things you've done." He put his hand on my bare shoulder, stroking slowly down my arm. "If they knew... who you really were?"

Spike slid his hand down my elbow and further down.

I let out a breath, turning my head slightly to look at him from other my shoulder. "Not here."

Spike smirked slightly. "Stop me." He knew that I didn't want to stop him, though everything felt strange, even if it felt nice, traveling his hand down my thigh, pulling up my skirt to begin already. I closed my eyes in pleasure, breathing slightly heavily, both of us gasping slightly. Spike leaned in to look at me. "No. Don't close your eyes." I opened my eyes to look at him. "Look at them. We looked at the Scoobies dancing on, oblivious. "That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me. Look at your friends... and tell me... you don't love getting away with this... right under their noses."

I didn't answer, because he already knew it.\

I knew that feeling this way was wrong, but no one could control how they felt. Not even vampires or Slayers.

  ••••••  

The next night, I was walking through the cemeteries with a stake, looking around for any vampires to kill because it was easier than just sitting around and doing nothing. After I had been with Mom and Dawn that day, too, so we kept the promise we made to her last night about spending time together, though Mom had gotten called into work, so Dawn went over to Janice's and I had come out to patrol.

I was getting bored and restless because there were no vampires out tonight, seeing Spike's crypt a little ways ahead, walking toward it, pausing outside, placing my hand against the door, about to open it, knowing that Spike had his hand on the same place as mine on the other side of the door because I could hear him inside. I was about to walk inside when I heard a woman screaming, turning around, running off in that direction into the woods.

A woman was running away from two figures chasing her, one in a robe, the other dressed in regular clothes. I ran closer to tackle the figure in the robe to the ground. I fell to the ground, and the other person was gone. Not escaped, just gone.

I stood, looking around in confusion, seeing that I appeared to be alone now. "Huh?" There was a whooshing noise and sounds of whimpering. I turned around to see a girl with her back to me, laying on the ground, crying, hands over her ears. I walked closer. "It's okay. I'm going to get you out of here. Can--can you walk? Are you hurt?"

There was a whooshing noise. I looked around, seeing that the girl was gone, hearing whispers in my head. "What did you do? What did you do? Zoey... Zoey."

I put my hands over my ears to try to shut the voices out, looking around anxiously, overwhelmed. I saw a figure rushing toward me, punching them in the face, making them fall.

The figure fell, but it suddenly turned into Spike. "Ow!" His lip was bleeding. "Bloody hell. What did you do that for?"

I was completely confused. "Spike?"

I heard another whooshing noise, looking to my right just in time to see a demon in a blue robe attacking me, hitting me in the face. Two other demons appeared, fighting with Spike and me.

Demon 1 tried to punch Spike. Spike ducked, spinning Demon 1 around to hold him in a headlock.

I punched Demon 2 in the face, kicking him in the chest.

Spike transformed, snapping Demon 1's neck, tossing him down to the ground. "Zoey!"

I looked behind me to see Demon 3 just as it punched me in the face.

There was another whooshing sound, and more confusion as things changed again. The demons were gone.

"Spike... what's happening?" I asked.

Spike looked around in confusion. "I don't know. I heard you outside the crypt. I could feel you. Then I heard the scream, and I knew where you would be off to."

There was another whooshing noise as the demons reappeared.

Demon 1 tried to punch me. I raised my arm to block the move, punching him in the face twice, kicking him to the ground. Demon 2 tried to punch me. I ducked, punching him in the face.

Instead of the the demon falling to the ground, it was Spike. "Ow! Bloody hell, what'd you do that for?"

The demons were gone again.

The girl ran past us, crying, stopping a few feet away, lying down on the ground.

I was completely confused and overwhelmed, worried that I was actually losing my mind.

A patch of empty air began to shimmer, and the three demons reappeared, fighting with me and Spike.

Demon 1 and Demon 2 tried to punch me. I ducked both punches, punching Demon 1 in the face, spinning to kick Demon 2 in the head, punching both of them in the face, making them fall.

Spike tackled Demon 3 to the ground.

Another whoosh, and the demons disappeared again. Spike ended up swinging at empty air because Demon 3 had disappeared before he could hit him.

We both looked around.

Another whoosh, and the demons reappeared, punching both of us in the face. 

I grabbed Demon 1, snapping his spine, making him bend back, pushing him down. Demon 2 tried to punch Spike. 

Spike ducked, grabbing him, throwing him down. He looked behind me. "Zoey!" I turned around to block a hit from Demon 2, kicking him in the face and then the chest, punching him in the face. I felt someone grab my shoulder from behind, still in fight mode, turning to backhand punch the person in the face, realizing too late that it was the girl that I was trying to save, watching her roll down the hill behind her, completely stunned, running down the hill to get to the girl. Spike killed Demon 3, running after me. "Zoey!" Demon 2 tackled Spike to the ground before he could get to the hill. Spike glared at him in annoyance. "Do you mind?" Spike punched Demon 2 in the chest so hard his hand went through its chest, visible underneath the back of its robe. Demon 2 made a face of extreme pain. Spike shoved it off of him, getting up, running down the hill toward me. I was kneeling next to the girl, looking at her in shock. "Zoey?"

"She's dead," I told him. "I killed her."

  ••••••  

I couldn't move, completely numb and in shock, looking at the body.

Spike looked around nervously. "We have to go?"

"What happened?" I asked.

"There's nothing you can do now," Spike told me. "We have to go before someone sees you."

I whispered in horror. "What did I do?"

"We have to go, now," Spike told me, grabbing me by the arm, pulling me to my feet, leading me off into another part of the forest. I was still in shock. Spike pulled me around a tree, stopping there. "All right. Listen to me. Zoey? Zoey."

"She's dead," I told him.

"It was an accident," Spike told me.

I looked down. "I killed her."

"I'm gonna get you home," Spike told me.

I looked up in surprise. "No."

"I'm gonna get you home, and you're gonna crawl in your warm, comfy bed and stay there," Spike told me. "We're gonna sort this out. Trust me."

I just looked at him in pure anguish and confusion and shock because of everything that was happening.

  ••••••  

I was laying in bed, tossing and turning because I couldn't get the voices out of my head. "What did you do? Zoey... What did you do?"

I turned over restlessly, lying on my side, facing the edge of the bed.

Spike walked closer, shirtless. "It's all right, love." He slide under the covers, moving up behind me. I opened my eyes. "Shh, it's all right. It'll be our little secret."

Spike kissed my bare shoulder. I turned to face him, grabbing his head, kissing him passionately, rolling him over so that I was on top of him.

The scene changed to where Spike and I were in his crypt, straddling Spike with his hands handcuffed to the bed behind him, resting my hands on his chest, leaning closer to kiss him, tilting my head back in pleasure.

I remembered the fight with the demons, and the scene changed again to where the girl from the woods, who looked familiar, was handcuffed on the ground. 

"Do you trust me?" I asked.

The girl smiled.

Back in the crypt, Spike was on top of me, moving fast, both of us moaning in pleasure.

I remembered punching the girl in the woods.

Back in the crypt, Spike was handcuffed to the bed. I straddled him, lifting my hand, holding a stake. Spike was lying underneath me, his eyes closed as if sleeping. I staked him in the heart.

In the woods, I staked the girl in the stomach. Her eyes opened, but they were the bright blue color of Spike's eyes.

  ••••••  

Finally, I gasped awake in my own bed from the nightmare, completely disturbed and in shock, horrified and sick to my stomach.

I knew I couldn't live with this, walking into Dawn's room to see that she was sleeping, sitting on the bed beside her, putting a hand on Dawn's arm, slowly waking her up. "Hey."

Dawn looked around sleepily. "What time is it?"

"It's late," I answered.

"Is Mom home yet?" Dawn asked.

"No, not yet," I answered. "I just wanted..." I didn't know how to say this, sighing. "I love you. You know that, right?"

Dawn knew something was wrong, sitting up, looking alarmed and worried. "What's wrong?"

"I know I haven't been myself since I've been back, and I'm sorry," I told her. "I know that we're not as close as we were. But I love you." I had tears in my eyes. "I always will. You and Mom."

"Why are you talking like this, Zoey?" Dawn asked worriedly.

"There was an accident... in the woods," I answered. "A girl... she was hurt. I hurt someone."

"Oh, my God," Dawn told me. "Is she all right?"

I felt as if I was going to cry. "No." Dawn looked shocked. "I'm sorry." Dawn pulled me into her arms. "There's something I have to do." We pulled away. "I have to tell what I did. I have to go to the police."

"The police?" Dawn repeated.

"Dawnie, I have to," I told her.

"But... what's going to happen?" Dawn asked.

"I don't know," I told her.

"They'll take you away?" Dawn asked sadly, incredibly upset. "Won't they?"

"I'm sorry," I told her, looking down.

Dawn shook her head. "No, you're not." I looked up, surprised. "You're never here. You can't even stand to be here."

"That is not true," I told her.

Dawn was almost crying. "You don't want to be here. You didn't want to come back. I know that. You were happier where you were." She started to cry. "You want to go away again."

I shook my head. "Dawn..."

Dawn was trying to be angry so that she wouldn't be devastated. "Then go. You're not really here anyway."

Dawn stood, running out of the room.

I looked after her in sadness.

  ••••••  

I walked up to the police station, in the alley behind it, walking slowly.

Spike walked up to me. "What do you think you're doing?"

"The right thing," I answered. "For once."

Spike pulled me back into the alley, pushing me lightly against the wall. "Sorry, love. Can't let you do that."

I pushed Spike off of me. "I have to tell them what happened."

"Nothing happened," Spike told me.

I gave him a surprised look. "I killed that girl."

"Demons in the woods?" Spike asked. "Time going wonky? They won't believe you."

"I'll show them," I told him.

"Show them what?" Spike asked coolly.

I realized what he was saying, knowing that he was covering it up. "What did you do?"

"I took care of it," Spike answered.

I walked closer, trying very hard not to get angry. "What did you do?"

"What I had to," Spike answered firmly. "I went back and I took care of it. It doesn't matter now. No one will ever find her."

We heard cops running out of the station toward a car.

"Where'd they find her?" Cop 1 asked.

"The river," Cop 2 answered. "She washed up half a mile from the cemetery."

I looked at Spike, giving him a look that said, 'You were saying?'

Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh... balls."

  ••••••  

We watched the cops drive away from the station, lights flashing, siren wailing.

Spike looked at me. "There still isn't anything to connect this to you."

"It doesn't matter," I told him.

"It wasn't your fault," Spike told me.

"I killed her," I stressed.

"It was an accident," Spike told me. "It just happened."

"Nothing just happens," I told him, starting to walk toward the alley mouth.

Spike grabbed my arm to stop me. "You're not going in there."

"I have to do this," I told him. "Just let me go."

"I can't," Spike told me. "I love you." I sighed, upset, looking down. "I've tried not to."

"I know," I told him. "And you realize that I've done the same."

I pushed past Spike to get to the station. 

Spike pulled me back, pushing me away from the building. "You are not throwing your life away over this."

"It's not your choice," I told him.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Spike asked.

"A girl is dead because of me," I told him.

"And how many people are alive because of you?" Spike replied. "How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale."

I gave him a look. "This is not just another body."

Spike sighed. "Zoey--"

I tried to walk past him, but Spike pushed me back, purposefully trying to provoke a response out of me because we both knew that I was about to explode and he would rather me take it out on him than myself. I finally broke down, punching him in the stomach, trying not to cry.

"You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?" I asked.

"Why don't you explain it?" Spike asked, not fighting back, taking it, letting me take it out on him. "Come on, that's it. Put it on me. Put it all on me." I punched him again. "That's my girl. I told you that you would explode sometime. Tell me what you've felt ever since you came back."

I continued to punch him, making him fall. "I feel like I'm dead inside. That I don't feel anything real. Only rarely that I do." I stopped, horrified and in tears, backing away because I didn't want to hurt him anymore. "The only times that I do... is with my mother... my sister... and with you. And even then, I hurt you all, even when I don't want to. Even when I don't mean to."

Spike was breathing heavily. "You always hurt... the ones you love, pet." I was completely dismayed, shaking my head, backing away. "Zoey?" We heard cops walking outside the station. I turned to walk toward them. Spike walked closer to grab my arm to stop me. "Zoey..."

A cop was talking through radio. "No, no statements. Not until I get confirmation. Sunnydale PD. Yeah, the phone's ringing off the hook here. Listen, you got an ID on that body yet?" I closed my eyes in pain, trying to walk toward them. Spike pushed me lightly against the wall to stop me. "Yeah? Okay, shoot. Katrina Silber? S-i-l-b-e-r?"

I recognized the name. The girl used to be Warren's girlfriend, the one that he built the robot to replace last year.

Spike saw the different look, confused. "What?"

"Warren," I answered, walking away from the station.

Spike was confused.

  ••••••  

The next day, I was in the Magic Box with the Scoobies, even Dawn, who was sitting on the stairs that led to the loft, while the rest of us were sitting around the table.

Buffy showed me a book of the demons from the forest. "Is this what you saw?"

"Yeah, that's it," I answered.

Buffy read from the book. "Mm. The Rwasundi. Very rare. Um, its presence in our dimension causes a sort of... localized temporal disturbance."

"So that's why time went all David Lynch?" I asked.

"Right," Anya answered. "Uh, human perception is based on linear chronology. Being exposed to the Rwasundi for more than a few seconds can cause, uh, vivid hallucinations, sometimes loss of sanity and awareness. And a slight tingly scalp."

"So that's it," Willow told me. "These things just made you think you killed her."

"She was probably dead long before you stumbled across her," Xander told me.

"It wasn't the demons," I told them. "It was Warren. He knew Katrina. He had something to do with it, I know it."

"How can you be sure?" Willow asked.

I answered with Spike's words to me from last night. "You always hurt the ones you love."

We paused for a moment, contemplating this.

Dawn looked at me sullenly. "Does this mean you're not going away?"

I sighed, standing, walking toward Dawn. "Yeah. I'm not going anywhere."

Dawn quickly stood, walking away before I could reach her.

I turned to the others, upset.

"We need to find Warren, and the others," Buffy told us. "Whatever they've done, they're not gonna get away with it."

  ••••••  

I went home, trying to relax. 

Mom walked toward me. "Hey. I just got home."

"Hi," I told her. "Don't you have another 24 hour shift?"

"Yes," Mom answered, taking off her jacket, placing it down. "It's just that... I called off and came home, because Dawn called me. To tell me what happened." I nodded, looking down. "She knew that she and the other Scoobies could only do so much to help, so she asked if I could take off from work and come home to you."

"She did?" I asked. "I thought she took off because she was mad at me."

"She's upset, but she's not mad, per se," Mom explained. 

I nodded understandingly, taking a deep breath. "Thank you. For coming home."

Mom smiled a small smile, nodding, walking closer to pull me into her arms. "Of course." We embraced for a long moment. I felt relieved and content, breathing unevenly because I was starting to feel more emotions than I had felt in a long while. We pulled away. "I know that you said that you were worried that you could have come back wrong." I nodded in agreement, looking down. "So I went to Buffy, and Willow, and even Tara." I looked at her in surprise because we hadn't heard from Tara in a while. Mom smiled understandingly, nodding. "I mean, you're not the same girl that you used to be, but after everything that you went through, no one would be the same. But you were still worried, and you were still distant and it looked like you could barely feel anything, so I asked them if I could find out some stuff for you."

"Like?" I asked.

"Like double checking the spell that brought you back," Mom answered. "There's nothing wrong with you specifically, but you are different. Shifting you out of from where you were, funneling your essence back into your body... i--it altered you on a basic soul and molecular level. You still have a soul, obviously, from all this pain you've been going through the last 24 hours, but it takes something extreme like demons and nerds messing with your mind to get an extreme emotional reaction out of you."

"Yeah, I just hope that whatever those freaks did to me, it didn't mess with my head all that much," I told her. "My mind was already kind of... out of it since being brought back, Mom."

"Yeah, I know," Mom told me. "We all know. And we all understand, and we're trying to help. You know, even Spike, since he's cared for you for a while now."

I looked down, sighing nervously. "Yeah."

"What's that look for?" Mom asked. "I noticed that you've been acting really weird lately, aside from the obvious. I mean, whenever someone mentions Spike, or someone makes a comment that you react strangely to..." I nodded, looking down, sighing deeply. Mom started to get it, surprised and stunned, but she didn't look ashamed or judgmental like I had thought she would be. "Oh. Oh... huh. Really?"

I took a deep breath, having to sit down. "I know that he's supposed to be everything that I hate." Mom sat next to me. "He's supposed to be everything that... I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when..." Mom looked concerned but understanding. I was getting more emotional from finally admitting this to someone that had finally realized another part of what was going on with me, and I was glad that it was my mom. I looked at her with tears in my eyes. "Don't tell anyone, please."

Mom shook her head. "I won't."

I was getting more nervous. "The way they would look at me... I just couldn't..."

"I won't tell anyone," Mom told me. "I wouldn't do that." 

"I know... it's wrong," I told her. "But I can't..."

"You can't control how you feel," Mom finished. "Do you love him?" I looked at her, not knowing what to say. "I--it's okay if you do. He's done a lot of good, and--and he does love you. A--and, Zoey, it's okay. You're going through a really hard time, and you're... it's not simple. None of this is simple. I know that you're worried that the others might judge you and criticize you, but I don't. I'm your mother. I won't judge you. I don't think badly of this, Zo. I understand."

I nodded, a little shaken up by everything that was going on with the demons, with Katrina, and the trio, and Spike, and everything else, tears in my eyes. "I know, Mom. Thank you. I know I can't justify... not hating him... feeling for him. Does feeling something so wrong make me a wrong?"

Mom looked concerned, worried and sympathetic, shaking her head, pulling me closer into her arms to hold me comfortingly and reassuringly, stroking my hair to calm me down, making me feel more safe and relaxed and content and relieved than I had been with anyone in a long, long time.