TW: Suicide, self harm.

Dear Phil,

By the time you read this, it will be too late. I'm sorry.

I feel really guilty because whilst I am writing this I know you're out with your university friends and you're probably having lots of fun. You have no idea you're going to come home to see your roommate laying on the floor, dead.

Please don't blame yourself for this. It isn't your fault at all. All you ever were was amazing and perfect, I hope you know that. You were always there for me when I cried about my insecurities and you were even there on those days where all I wanted to do was sit in bed, staring blankly at the wall. Thank you so much for staying by my side through it all.

The truth is, you were the only thing that kept me alive, other than my YouTube career. My family couldn't have given any less shits about what happened to me. If anything, I feel like they'll throw a party after they find out I'm gone. Finally they won't have to deal with me anymore.

You're so amazing and beautiful and, yes, I fell in love with you. The first time my eyes laid upon you in the train station, you hair dripping with the English rain and your eyes glistening with so much emotion, there weren't words to explain the happiness I felt. All my life I had felt like a waste of space and a burden and, somehow, you made me feel... good about myself.

Then everything spiralled out of control again. No one person could cure my depression. I started to realise I relied on you way too much for it to be healthy. I'd constantly be at your side, looking up at you like you were some... superhero who had saved the world. For so long you kept me going with your kind words and your amazingness (is that a word? It is now I just invented it). All those cups of tea you made for me when I felt broken... All those times you held me tight as I cried... All that ice cream you gave me when I felt empty... Thank you. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have lasted this long. I'd be long gone.

I'm sorry for being such a burden. I'm sorry for waking you up at three in the morning at least four times a week, just because I was afraid of those voices in my head that got louder once the lights went out. I'm sorry I couldn't have been a better friend. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please don't miss me. (I'm sure you won't but you know what I mean). You'll easily find a new best friend. Someone who will actually make you happy instead of just bringing you down all the time. Someone who will look after you. Someone who you won't have to watch 24/7 in case they did something stupid.

Phil, I feel extremely guilty. All those times you pulled up my sleeve to see my wrist, littered with white, faded scars and smiled because there weren't any fresh ones... you were looking in the wrong place. My thighs. That's where you should have been looking. Please forgive me for lying to you.

I didn't want to hurt myself. It was just the only thing that could make the pain go away for a moment. I'm not going to lie though: every time I'd regret it immediately after. Every time.

I'll miss you so much, Phil. I wish you could have loved me back. I wonder what we could have had if you did love me back? I don't really want to think about it because then my head starts to get filled with all this false hope that maybe there's a minute chance the feelings are reciprocated. But they're not. Why would they be? I'm nothing and you... well you're everything.

I wish I could hold your hand one last time. Your hands were always abnormally warm but I loved that about you. My hands being freakishly cold most of the time, yours were really nice. Thank you for being so warm and perfect.

Don't quit YouTube, okay? Keep going. I know you can. You're so much stronger and more determined than me. You'll be perfectly fine without me.

I love you with all my heart.

For the last time,

Daniel Howell.

P.S Sorry if some of this is unreadable. I don't have much time before you come home and I have to admit I'm bawling my eyes out. I hope it's okay though... Goodbye, Phil. <3

Dan folded up the letter with shaky hands, placed it on Phil's bed and proceeded to shut himself in the bathroom. He was ready and he was finally going to do it.