TW: Eating disorder.

Phil's point of view

"Do you want to get something?" I asked, watching as Dan slowly shook his head. I thought nothing of it (because Dan rarely ate breakfast), ordering my pancakes and coffee. I wish I had noticed. My best friend had been suffering right in front of my eyes and I hadn't noticed. I was the worst friend ever.

-

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked as we entered the tour bus after a show.

"I'm not really hungry at the moment. I'll get something later." Dan replied, pulling his long sleeve over his hands. I noticed how his jumper looked unusually baggy but I blamed that on the style. I wish I hadn't.

-

"Come on, Dan! We never eat together anymore!" I whined as we sat down in the restaurant. Dan's eyes were glued to the plain floor and he looked like he was going to be sick at any moment. "Are you alri-"

"Fine. I'll eat." Dan mumbled, once again pulling on his sleeves. I remember thinking it was cute: how he was so nervous. It wasn't cute. He couldn't have screamed for help any louder. "I'll take the salad and a bottle of water, please."

I was so oblivious. This was all my fault.

-

"Dan? You've been in there a while." I yelled, knocking on the bathroom door so Dan could hear me over the shower.

After ten minutes, he still didn't answer so I grew more anxious, even though I didn't really know what was happening. Dan eventually did open the door and he looked at me with bloodshot eyes.

"He just got shampoo in his eyes." I tried to reassure myself. I didn't want to believe he wasn't okay. I was in denial.

-

"Dan-" I started as we exited the stage together but I didn't get to say what I wanted to say because Dan had bolted out of the room. I followed him, realising something was wrong for the first time and accepting it. I found him in the toilets, being sick. He was crying and I was just so taken aback.

"What's wrong?" I was so dumb: the signs were all there. I was just too naïve to notice.

"I-I..." Dan started but he couldn't speak. He was hyperventilating and sobbing and all I could do was watch. I wanted to do something- rub his back, comfort him- anything but my feet were glued to the ground.

-

It finally hit me that night whilst I was lying in bed. He was beside me, his soft breaths keeping me in this world. I was thinking about what could possibly be wrong with my best friend.

Eating disorder.

I felt my eyes well up simply at the thought. Every part of me wanted to be wrong but I knew I was right.

We were in America at the time and, for once I was grateful for the timezones. In the UK it was the morning and I knew my mum would be awake.

I locked myself in the toilet and called her. I sobbed as I told her about Dan as she listened, mumbling something along the lines of "oh my..." every so often until I finished.

I wished I was a child again so I could run into my mum's arms until everything was okay. She'd wipe away my tears and do everything she could to reassure me. But I was an adult and she was an entire ocean away.

-

"Do you..." I took a deep breath, taking Dan's hand into my own. I frowned once I noticed how skinny it was. "...Have an eating disorder?"

Dan's eyes widened and he stood up to leave, practically confirming it. I pulled him back down, trying my best not to cry.

"You need to get help. It's not healthy."

"But I-" He glanced down at his chest, making me shakily sigh.

"Please? You're so skinny and I'm scared I'm going to," My voice cracked, "lose my best friend." Dan still looked skeptical so I added, "If not for yourself, then for me, your family and the phans."

-

Dan did get help and it was hard. Very hard. For both of us. I had to be there whenever he are and prevent him from going to the toilet after meals. I often found him crying in his bedroom, hugging his knees as he tried to beg the thoughts to go away. On one occasion he found me crying and it was so hard for me to convince him I was okay. I was okay because he was getting better but sometimes I felt scared and angry at myself for not noticing sooner and at the world for letting such a beautiful man feel this way.

If I hadn't noticed at all, my best friend may not be here anymore.

Dan put on weight and every time he weighed himself, I cried. At first he thought it was because he was fat but I made sure to remind him I cried out of pride.

An eating disorder is very hard to get rid of but, although Dan sometimes still tired to skip meals, he was getting better. I was always there for him and so I played a part in his treatment.

Please look out for the people you love. They may be suffering in silence so, coming from someone who understands, please look for the signs and be there for them. Don't deny it. Even if it's just a hunch, ask if they're okay.

You might just save their life...

I'm going to be real with you, it has been over a month since I updated this book and way longer than that since I wrote a phan one shot. I'm sorry. I'm just not into them in the same way anymore (if that makes sense). Also, I think my writing has improved since I wrote this so don't judge it too harshly.

I'm sorry that I've become disconnected with this book and don't love it the same way I used to. I'm more passionate about other things now. I haven't stopped writing, I've just stopped writing phan as much. I won't stop writing for a long time (I hope at least!)