TW: Depression and self harm.

Phil lightly knocked on Dan's bedroom door before slowly pushing it open. He bit his lip when he noticed his roommate laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world. The expression on his face was completely blank, his eyes held emptiness and his face was white. "Dan..." Phil mumbled, keeping his distance so he didn't rush Dan into talking.

"Yeah?" Even Dan's voice sounded empty. Phil then decided to slowly approach the bed and perch on the edge of it.

"What are you thinking about?" The question lingered in the air for a moment before Phil realised it was slightly stupid. Dan's head was probably buzzing with different thoughts; words he didn't dare say aloud because of the truth he believed was laced in them. "Do you want to talk?"

Dan sat up, seemingly in some sort of daze. Phil was almost certain that he'd be able to click his fingers in front of his friend's face and he'd get no reaction at all; not even a blink.

"I don't know anymore." Phil started to rub Dan's back gently, listening as he sighed.

"What don't you know?"

"Anything. Why... Why are you still my friend?"

"Because I love you? You're awesome and funny and sweet-"

"Stop. You're lying to me."

"I'm not." Dan suddenly stood up and went to leave the room but Phil grabbed his arm before he could go. Dan let out a tiny gasp, making Phil's eyebrows furrow. Once he connected the dots, he felt tears well up in his eyes.

"Please tell me you didn't..." The man wouldn't meet Phil's eyes which confirmed his assumptions. He slowly lifted up Dan's sleeve before choking out a sob and pulling the sleeve back down again, unable to face the sight. He hated seeing his best friend so hurt, especially so much so that he felt the need to take the pain out on himself. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and they just cried to each other for a few moments. "Do you want me to call your therapist?"

"Please." After a couple of seconds of silence, Dan choked out a very vulnerable and timid, "I'm scared."

"I know but you'll be okay. We'll make it through this together and I will always be by your side. If you ever need to talk-"

"I know. Thank you, Phil."

-

"How'd it go?" Phil asked once they had sat down in the living room with hot drinks (Phil had a coffee and Dan had a well deserved hot chocolate).

Dan stared blankly at the wall before mumbling, "Not too bad. She said she was proud of me for talking to someone."

"I'm proud of you too. You've been through so much... You never deserved any of this."

Dan shrugged, sipping at his hot chocolate and not caring when it burnt his throat. He suddenly stood up, so quick that a bit of hot chocolate fell out of the mug and hit the carpet. He really needed to get out and do something just to remind him he could feel but-

"Dan!" Phil pretty much shouted. He had called his name a few times to no avail so he had to raise his voice. He felt absolutely horrible watching his best friend on the verge of a panic attack. "Please sit back down." Phil pat the space beside him and Dan shakily sat down, his breathing ragged. Phil wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer. "You're alright..." He whispered, allowing the man to lean his head on his shoulder.

"I don't know if I can do this. I just want to feel something good again... happiness. Anything at all." Dan sounded so desperate as his sobs shook his body.

-

Dan was getting better. He saw his therapist weekly and she was actually helping him cope. Phil was the best friend anyone could ask for too because he was always there for him when he was a sobbing mess and screaming about what he needed and didn't have.

Phil rubbed his back as he vomited because of the anxiety swirling around in his stomach. He was there to cuddle him when he just wanted to be reminded that someone loved and care about him. He was there when he had nightmares that haunted him in his sleep. Phil was always there.

He did have his relapses though. For example, the time when Dan spent an abnormal amount of time in the shower and Phil could just sense that something wasn't right. Phil knocked on the bathroom door, screaming Dan's name until he just went in and found his best friend crying his heart out as blood dripped down onto the floor.

The sight wasn't easy for him to see but he shook away the pain he felt; instead, treating Dan's wounds. He whispered sweet words in hopes of comforting his friend. He wished he could take all of the pain away from his friend and give it to himself.

It was so hard but it was worth it. When Dan went to his last therapy session, he came home crying. Phil was very concerned at first before realising they were happy tears. Dan could finally say that he was proud of himself for making it so far. They celebrated it by playing Mario Kart into the depths of the night, eating so much chocolate that they made themselves sick in the morning.

Yo. Sometimes I feel like this book is getting neglected. I forget to post half the time and, in all honesty, I haven't written a phan one shot in forever. I'm sorry for that. This is the only part of this account that still stands with my username AllTimePHAN73 and that genuinely makes me sad but I'm moving onto other YouTubers, you know? I still adore phan and watch their videos/follow them on social media but I'm not obsessed anymore.

So, what I'm trying to say is, this book might be coming to an end in the near future. I've got a few drafts left so it's probably still got at least a month in its lifetime but we'll see. Maybe I'll feel inspired with phan again.

I've been writing more Jacksepticeye stuff, as you can see by my last few books being about Jack. I've also been posting Jacksepticeye one shots on my Archive Of Our Own account (AllTimePhan73) and I feel so much more inspired by those! I don't feel forced to write them and I genuinely enjoy writing about him and his egos.

Maybe after this book comes to an end I'll start to post the one shots on here too. Would you want that? Or will you just not give a shit when I stop posting about phan?

Honestly, I'm going to be distraught when I finish this book. This and my first one shot book have been with me on this account for years since I started out in 2014. The first book is nothing but crap but this one isn't so bad... right? I can definitely see an improvement in my work.

Thank you to everyone who has read this. Whether you're brand new or have been here from the beginning (although I highly doubt anyone from the beginning is still here)... you're seriously awesome. This book has got so many more reads than I expected and that makes me extremely happy. I have struggled with some mental health problems in the past. I haven't been diagnosed but I've been through things like suicidal thoughts and self harm. It hasn't been easy but I used to use writing as an outlet and it helped me. I met new friends here that have helped me get better too.

Now I'm in a better place. Things took a bit of a dive again at the end of last year when I went through some stuff (break up and my dog passed away) but I feel a lot more okay now. A lot of that is to do with my ability to vent through writing and the fact that I know there are people out there who care.

This is going to sound extremely preachy but you shouldn't be afraid to create. You shouldn't be ashamed to put your stuff out there because everyone has to start somewhere. No one starts doing something and is immediately perfect. So if someone judges you for something you've created, they shouldn't. Everyone starts of shit and you improve with a lot of hard work. Do you think I posted my first one shot and woke up the next day with 2k followers? Nope. It has taken me almost four years. A lot of my old stuff has been taken down because it was so bad that I thought I should spare people's eyes from reading it.

I should shut up now but yeah, I hope you don't mind me finishing this book soon. I love every single one of you <3