Everything was fine until I started to feel something. Guilt. Phil deserved to know that I wasn't cisgender, especially since it would bring up problems in the future. I was petrified for him to find out: what if he left me because I wasn't the typical boy? I was too afraid to lose him so I kept it quiet. Ethan just had to be great at reading people. That's how I ended up in the toilets, crying my heart out to my best friend.

"Something's bothering you." He had said, studying my expression to find any hints of what was wrong. "You don't need to tell me but you shouldn't bottle it up."

I felt panic begin to arise. I was struggling to breathe and my whole body was trembling like I was having some sort of internal earthquake. I tried to keep my poker face on but I still refused to meet his gaze.

"Dan, you can trust me. I can keep a secret until the day I die."

"I can't tell you." I mumbled, my voice weak. If he pushed me to speak anymore, I was going to have a panic attack. There was no way I was telling him. Especially after all the bullying in my previous school.

"You can. Is it something to do with your sexuality?" I shook my head and he sighed gently. "Something at home?" I shook my head again. "Don't do this to yourself. You're just going to make yourself feel worse."

"I'm not. I'm doing perfectly fine without telling anyone."

"You're going to break one day."

"I know." My voice cracked and then the floodgates opened up. I was sobbing as Ethan just watched in awe before pulling me into a hug. I cried into his shoulder, everything I had been holding in finally coming out. "I don't want to lose my friends."

"Does Phil know?"

"No. He can't know! He'll break up with me and- and-"

"Dan, breathe with me." Ethan rubbed my back as I tried to copy his breathing patterns. He went silent as my breathing got slightly closer to normal. "You don't need to tell me but I'm here for you. You will never lose me, no matter what you're hiding. I'm sure I speak for the whole group."

"Ethan, I..." I shut my eyes as I said the next two words. "I'm transgender."

Ethan hugged me tighter than before, silent as he listened to my cries. He hadn't pushed me away or called me rude names yet so I assumed it was okay.

"Oh, Dan. You're my best friend and I wouldn't disown you because of that. I'm so proud of you."

-

We were kissing or rather making out. I hated that phrase (Me too, Dan.) but it's called what it's called and I can't exactly change that. It was pretty intense and my hands were tangled in his hair as his moved lower. His hands then got to the bottom of my shirt and I tensed up, pushing him away before he could do anything else.

"I'm sorry. I should have asked-" Phil started, his face red.

"It's okay. I want you to but..." I trailed off, biting my lip as I tried my best to prevent tears from filling my eyes.

"But..?"

"I just..." I scrambled up and I ran. I ran straight out of his house and I didn't make it far before I started to cry.

-

"You need to tell him, Dan. He will accept you, I just know it." Ethan said as I cried softly. The worst of the tears had passed because we had been on the phone for almost half an hour already.

"You don't. He might not want to be with me anymore." I mumbled. I had a piece of paper laid out in front of me and a pencil in my hand. When I'm upset, I like to write or draw. It's better than the alternative that I used to do. I drew a boy wearing a beanie, a tiny frown on his face.

"He will want to be with you. I've been friends with him since the start of secondary school and I know that boy. He will love you no matter what. Even if you turned out to be a crazy murderer, he'd probably still be able to find it in his heart to love you."

"But I'm scared..." I added some words around the boy: worthless, fake, girl...

"I know... but I assure you, it will be okay. I can even come with you, if you need someone by your side."

"I think it should be a private moment."

"I get it. He'll still love you."

I took a deep breath, dropping the pencil onto the paper. "I'll tell him tomorrow."

-

"Phil, there's something I need to tell you." I shifted my weight from one foot to another, trying to focus on my breathing. Ethan's words were running through my head, stopping me from running away to my safe place: home.

"Are you okay?" Phil immediately asked, reaching out to take my hand. The heat of his hand made me feel slightly better about the situation.

"I moved here because I was severely bullied at my last school. It was really hard for me and I went through some horrible times mentally and physically." I was shaking but I kept my breathing steady.

Phil frowned, pulling me into a hug. "I'm so sorry."

"I hated who I was so I tried to be myself. I... I cut my hair and wore more androgynous clothes. My mum thought that was okay but my dad hated it. He called me all sorts of names, the same ones they called me at school..." Phil looked slightly confused, his eyebrows furrowed as he stayed silent. "I was the reason my parents got a divorce. It was my fault."

"I'm sure it wasn't-" Phil started but I cut him off with the shake of my head.

"It definitely was. I came out to them and he left. He walked out on us. My mum always says that she didn't want to be with him if he didn't accept me but I knew she was upset."

"Came out? As gay?"

"No, Phil. I told them I was a boy." Phil's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. My voice cracked as I said the next statement: I was petrified of how Phil would respond. "I'm transgender." I started to cry, ready to say goodbye to Phil forever but he didn't leave or shout at me. He pulled me into a hug.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" His voice was so soft. It was like a blanket, wrapping me up and comforting me. I felt myself melt into his arms, feeling safer than I ever had before.

"I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be with me anymore."

"I'll always love you, Daniel Howell. No matter what," He pulled away from the hug and pecked my red cheek. "You're amazing and the most handsome boy I have ever met."

I was still crying but it wasn't out of fear or sadness, it was out of relief and happiness. I was going through such a hard time in the past with my identity and self image so I never would have expected to see the day where everything was okay. But here I was, the happiest boy on the planet. If I had given up, I wouldn't have experience this feeling. This ecstasy.

I have a mini announcement :D As this book is coming to an end, I have started up a Jacksepticeye one shot book instead! It will be based around his egos. For a while I'll just be reposting the stuff I have on AO3 but I will eventually post new stuff. Feel free to go and read it and thank you if you do! :)