"THE CLOCK IS TICKING! KARINA, STOP TOUCHING ORION'S BOOBS, AND MARISOL, TOUCH YOUR LIPSTICK AGAIN AND I'LL STUFF IT DOWN MY BRA. C'MON LADIES, WHO'S READY TO PAINT YOUR NAILS RED WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES?"

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
G A M E P L A N

in which maisie tran [potential editor in chief of the wildwood high gazette] winds up on a competition team along with four other girls for the annual battle of the sexes [where the boys seem to miraculously win every year] whose boy team just so happens to consist of blaise cavett [also potential editor in chief of the wildwood high gazette], her ultimate rival and ex-boyfriend.

OR

in which five girls [consisting of a small girl with anger issues, a theatre kid going through a hamilton phase, a future valedictorian with an attitude problem, a mediator with an affinity for baking, and a makeup guru with a candy addiction] compete to win the annual battle of the sexes [which the boys have won for 10 years straight] to avenge the name female, leading to disastrous consequences.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BOYS. WHEN YOU REACH MY AGE, YOU COME TO THE UNDERSTANDING THAT YES, THERE MIGHT BE A SLIGHT, SLIGHT CHANCE THAT GIRLS HAVE BIGGER DICKS THAN YOU."

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
D A M S E L P A R T I C I P A N T S

DEVYN KNOX, GRADE 10
MAISIE TRAN, GRADE 11
MARISOL CABRERAS, GRADE 12
KARINA PHAN, GRADE 12
ORION KIONET, GRADE 12

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

"ALRIGHT LADIES, THERE'S SIXTY SECONDS LEFT BEFORE WE OFFICIALLY BRING SHAME TO THE FEMALE NAME. DEVYN IS SINGING HAMILTON, MARISOL IS CHOKING, ORION AND KARINA ARE MAKING OUT, AND WE HAVE YET TO KNOCK THE BOYS DOWN OFF THEIR DICKSTICK— ARE YOU READY TO CHOP OFF SOME MASCULINITY?"

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
K N I G H T P A R T I C I P A N T S

HIRO YANG, GRADE 9
CORBIN SANTIAGO, GRADE 10
CLAYTON SANTIAGO, GRADE 10
DAX SHAH, GRADE 11
BLAISE CAVETT, GRADE 12

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

"OUR GOAL IS TO NOT ONLY WIN, MEN, BUT TO KICK THOSE GIRL'S ASSES SO HARD EVEN THEIR FANCY SHMANCY BUTT LIFTING JEANS WON'T BE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GET A BONER."

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

WELCOME TO THE ANNUAL
BATTLE OF THE SEXES—
MAY THE BEST GENDER WIN