𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖆𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖘 𝖒𝖔𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖋𝖆𝖍

I balanced the box filled with the last of my things on my head as I fumbled with the keys to lock my dorm room.

It was empty now but still smelt slightly of the weed I'd smoked this morning and the three-hundred-pound perfume I bought to mask up the weed's scent. Other than that there now remained no other trace of me despite the fact that I'd practically been living there for six years now.

I'd never been one for sentimental trinkets or little items, all the things I bought had a purpose and when that purpose expired they'd be thrown out. The hoarding gene that got my parents into more than a little trouble had fortunately skipped me so packing all my stuff was a breeze.

Whilst packing however I found some things that I'd long forgotten about- Cher's mascara behind my closet, a bunch of boxes of cheap hair dye, and a picture that was slipped under my door in the eighth grade which someone had ripped out of a yearbook and scribbled horns atop my head. I had to paint over my bathroom door to remove marks Cher and I had put in permanent marker when I insisted I was taller than her and wipe down my mirror to take off the kisses she'd planted there when testing out a new lipgloss she bought.

I didn't realize how much of the room was scattered with memories of her until I had to erase them.

Which now brought me here, standing outside my new home for the foreseeable future with all my luggage filling up the hallway. I didn't realize I was holding the key still in the keyhole until I could feel my knees ache from standing in the same position for so long.

Taking my first steps into the apartment, a bittersweet feeling bloomed in my chest or maybe it was a sneeze approaching from all the dust I breathed in. The ceilings were high, almost daunting and even the windows stretched to the very top, drowning the room in a darkness that was only freed when I drew the windows back.

The entire room looked trapped in time, everything still scattered everywhere as if the owners had left in a rush recently and hadn't died more than a decade ago. There was a coffee mug on the table fuzzy with mold, a magazine from ten years ago opened on the kitchen counter top, and a pan with cold oil on the stove.

I walked around slowly, taking in the little things they owned, portraits hung up on every wall and ornaments with old books on every shelf. The large king-size bed in the bedroom was still unmade and the plants that were perched up on the other side of the apartment were brown with death although a full tank of water sat beside them. 

There was a small stool that sat in front of a large easel that had a canvas on it, the paint on the table beside it dried up with all the brushes in a small jar filled with colored water. This was my father's, he loved art but evidently from the painting was far from good at it- probably why he stole it instead.

My mother's items were a lot more extravagant, a glass grand piano that sat on a large fluffy carpet, tall gilded statues that were carved from white wood, and a chandelier that stuck out like a sore thumb as it was not only out of place but definitely did not belong in a studio apartment.

Board games and other things to pass the time were stacked on top of each other in the corner, some of the names recognizable and some collected from foreign countries. My trip down memory lane was cut short however when I came eye to eye with a small picture frame where the faces I stole sat side by side, my mother's lips pressed to my father's cheek and him grinning at the camera showing all thirty-two teeth.

I turned the frame around.

The first thing I tossed when cleaning was the large box of condoms that was on the desk by the front door, perched up like a box of tissues. Which only logically meant the bedsheets were going next. Tired of the silence, I took out one of their vinyls and put it on the large silver phonograph filling the room with an upbeat song that contrasted the weight I felt on my body.

But even as I swung my hips to the beat and bopped my head I could still feel it through the music. A feeling that had haunted me throughout my life and found me even when surrounded by people.

Loneliness.

"You didn't call."

I shrugged sheepishly, holding up my umbrella as the rain thundered behind me, "I didn't think I needed to."

Ace rolled his eyes, grabbing my shoulder to drag me into his house which was considerably warmer than the storm outside. I shut my umbrella and wiped my rain boots on the mat before removing them completely at the door. My coat found its way onto the hook that I'd used every time I was here and I was barely adjusting the sleeves on my sweater when a flash of pink tackled me into the wall.

"You said you'd come visit sooner this time!" She shrieked rocking me from side to side. A smile broke my lips as I hugged her back, sticking my tongue out at her father who had rolled his eyes and disappeared into the dining room.

"Your dad said he'd shoot me if I showed face on his property again," I feigned sadness, before pulling out a dark box from behind my back. "But how could I go anywhere without giving you your birthday present."

She squealed snatching the box from me and ripping off the cover, "You didn't," She began shaking her head and jumping in one spot with excitement. "You didn't, you didn't you didn't!"

"I have a fat receipt that says I did so let's hope not," I joked as she pulled out the crystallized flower that caught the golden light in the room immediately and lit up almost as bright as her face, "Happy belated birthday Lily," I mused watching her jaw drop wider as she examined it closely.

I was pulled into a second one, more brief than the last because she quickly pulled away and began talking a mile a minute, "I h-have to show everyone!" She practically panted before running away in the direction of her room.

"Careful! If you drop it that will be a very pricey mess," I yelled after her but I doubt she was listening. I caught a glimpse of her face leaning on the doorframe and groaned, "Don't look at me like that."

"You can't keep doing this Vee," He sighed turning into the dining room and I followed him.

"I know, I missed her party I was so busy, I'm sor-

"You can't buy people's love."

I blinked at him, sinking into my seat and taking in the food in front of me although I had lost my appetite. "I just thought the flower was pretty," I told him quietly, pressing my lips together.

"Yeah, the flower she was raving about in your ear the last time you were here," He sat in the seat across from me, the slightly ripped leather on his chair making a squeaking sound. "Look, Lily...she's young and very smart. You shouldn't," He looked almost uncomfortable saying it, "You shouldn't let her- or anyone for that matter take advantage of you."

I fiddled with my fingers, twirling the rings on my thumbs, "I just want her to like me."

"She does like you," He gave me a pointed look, "A bit too much if you ask me," He began dishing out the food, dropping a large roasted lamb leg on my plate, "Now what were you busy doing on my baby's birthday."

"Visited my parent's grave," I winced at the lie and he raised an eyebrow at it too. "I moved into their apartment earlier today."

That surprised him, "You should've asked me, I could've helped."

I waved him off, scooping some mashed potatoes, "There was nothing much to help with."

He gave me a pointed look before tilting his head back to yell, "Lily when you get here there will be only bones left for you!" He warned and on cue, there was a scurry of feet and the seventeen-year-old girl showed her face and plopped into the seat beside me.

"My friends said it's the prettiest thing ever, thank you thank you thank you!" She gushed before dragging my face into a fat kiss on my cheek that had her father shoot me a dark glare that I shrugged at. "You guys always leave me the smallest piece ever."

Her father passed her the gravy not a hint of guilt on his face, "Last person to the table gets last pick."

When she was done dishing her food out we all joined our hands so Ace could pray, something I only did when I was here. We were stalled however by Lily talking to me about everything I'd missed since I was gone, "And my friend Robin saw one of my pictures with you when she was sleeping over this week and she love love loves your hair her mom would never let her dye it that color but I promised her once she gets the shade down we'll just do it anyway."

Her bright neon pink locs bounced with her every word, little colorful beads sown into the strands making her look like she was ripped out of a child cartoon show. "I'll give you guys a piece of it so you get the color just right," I promised, trying to wrap up the conversation as her father looked like he was getting more impatient by the second.

"Really? That would be perfect!" She squeezed my hand, "Imagine if that was your gift you know? Or something cool like that, you haven't figured it out yet right?"

I felt my eye twitch a bit but I remained smiley and once again tried to end it, "No unfortunately not, hopefully it shows soon so I can use it to become rich and famous," I joked.

"Yeah and then I can tell everyone I know a famous person- well I mean I already do but you know," She pursed her lips, ignoring the look her father was sending her. "It kinda sucks that you're the longest person in blessed history to figure out what you were blessed with-

"Let's pray!" Her father interjected before I could properly digest what she'd just said. Even as they bowed their heads and his lips began moving all I could hear was the confirmation that I'd always known. I had messed everything up.

Broken the long tradition of amazing people getting amazing gifts. The world had stopped waiting for me, religious people had stopped reaching out to me to study me because it was becoming more blatant every day that I hadn't been blessed at all.

"And to the God's be the glory."

Our monotone voices chimed in to end the prayer, "The glory they deserve."