𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖆𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖘 𝖒𝖔𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖋𝖆𝖍

The shrill bell announced the end of the lesson and people were immediately on their feet, moving toward the exit. I headed in the opposite direction to Mrs Gordon's desk where she sat with her arms crossed over her chest and an unimpressed look on her face.

"I'll save the stupid excuses," I told her before she could get a word in. I quickly reached into my bag and pulled out the last three pieces of homework I'd missed the deadlines for. "I'm the worst I know-

"Miss Mostafah-

I cut her off, pulling out more papers, "Please excuse the smudges on some of the pages," I gestured to the blue splodges on the paper, "I found one of my father's fountain pens and thought I'd try something new-turns out its a lot harder than you'd think," I admitted sheepishly, curling my lips into my mouth.

"Versailles," She scoffed, not even reaching out to take the work I'd dropped on her desk, "I told you last time was the last time," She rubbed one of her eyes, "It's clear that now that you've gotten that fancy acceptance to that fancy school you think that none of this matters anymore." She shook her head with disappointment, looking away, "You've always been too arrogant and think you can slip out of all the trouble that comes your way but sweetheart that's just not how life works," She clasped her hands together, "I've decided I'm going to fail you-

She continued to go on, but I stopped listening after the word 'fail'. I began to shake my head and whisper 'no' under my breath, but I lost it when she wasn't listening. "No!" I slammed my hand on her desk, making all the contents on top of it vibrate, and I had to dart my hand out to catch a framed picture of her daughter's graduation. 

"I'm sorry," I apologized, carefully putting the picture back, trying to blink back tears of frustration. "Look, I know how it looks; I've been gone for three days." Realizing blinking wasn't working, I pointed my eyes at the floor and focused all my energy on trying to cry. "I'm working some stuff out and I've been a bit distracted but I promise I'm here now," I put my palm on the homework I'd stacked, "And I really, really can't fail a class right now so just," I sniffed, " Just tell me what I can do to make this okay."

It was silent for so long after that, that I thought she'd decided she was just going to ignore me so I looked up to see if she was even still focused. Her eyes weren't on me at all, instead, I followed her gaze to see it trained on my hand which was illuminated under her warm desk light.

A few of my fingers had little bandages wrapped around them as the nails had split and were still healing. All of my knuckles were scabbed black and the rest of the brown flesh around my hands was bruised dark and irritated red. My school sweater had even ridden up to expose the ugly purple ring around my wrists where he'd held me down.

We were now both looking at my hand, my lips parted as I realized what it looked like and I snatched my hand away and cradled it to my chest before turning on my heel. "Throw my work away if you want to," I muttered to her, rushing as I made my way to the door.

I heard footsteps follow me hurriedly and when I tried opening the door a hand shot out to slam it. "Miss Mostafah?" Her voice was soft, the softest I'd ever heard her speak to anyone. "Are you in danger?"

I leaned forward to rest my head on the door, taking in deep breaths before pulling away. "Not anymore," I lied, turning to lock eyes with her. 

She nodded, removing her hand from the door, "You're not who you once were." The statement was ominous, covered in layers and layers of judgment that made my throat itch. 

"How could I be?" I laughed dryly, "Everything has changed."

Her face sunk into an expression of thought, "Miss Mostafah just because things change does not mean you must be miserable throughout it," She told me pointedly, "You're a bright and lovely girl, life has not even shown you half of what it has to offer."

"Mrs Gordon not to be disrespectful, but I can't imagine you understand even a fraction of what I'm going through," Irritation bled into my voice even though I tried keeping it monotone, " 'Life' has been taking from me since before I started living, I have lost everything."

She didn't seem deterred by my hostility, "Then I'm sure we can both agree you cannot afford to lose yourself too."

The words hung heavy in the air and the need to defend myself blossomed in my bones. "It's not that easy-

"Nothing in this life is easy dear," She told me firmly, "You need to have the courage to do the hard things, especially when you're doing them for yourself."

I shook my head sadly, "I can never be who I was again," I muttered bitterly.

She tilted her head, "It seems like you're holding your old self hostage inside you and now you have this," She rudely gestured to the rest of me, "Shell of a human being keeping up appearances."

"That's not true," My fingers curled into fists, "I can't be her anymore, physically- she has been stripped from my veins and stolen from me," My bottom lip wobbled, "My body won't let me be her anymore."

She didn't look convinced, "Well who was she? Why do you think she is so unreachable?"

"Fearless," Was the first word that came to mind, "I was once bold with so much audacity it poured out of my flesh like sweat. I used to mountain climb, skydive, and sprint off of cliffs into gorgeous waters," Memories dampened my eyes, "I'd fly to different continents to try out more dangerous things, always chasing a thrill and that impossible high you only feel when you're falling."

Before I could sink back into the feeling I dragged myself out of it, "And now? I'm afraid of my own shadow," I put my head in my hands, "I moved into a skyrise apartment three weeks ago and I haven't even opened the balcony door yet," My ramble came to a close and I took in a deep breath. "They ruined me-

"Your life belongs to nobody but you Versailles," She said, almost disgusted, "You do not belong to anybody and you owe everyone nothing the only person you have a duty to is yourself and her happiness and you're failing. Abysmally."

I shrugged, not too bothered by the truth in her statement, "I don't think I remember how to be happy."

"I think you're attaching happiness to who you were and refuse to believe you can still find it just as you are now," She turned away from me and walked back to her seat. "Think smaller," She grabbed my papers and dropped them into the small waste bin beside her desk, "What was the last thing that made you happy? Think about something close that's nearby and you can get to quickly," She gave me a final glance, "Something that makes you feel safe." 

"Hold the camera steady Cher I want a good shot of my ass!"

I sat on the floor of my apartment with all my old cameras open around me. I'd gone though each of them, taking a sprint down memory lane as I absorbed each video of me when everything was alright. 

To no one's surprise, a certain hazel-eyed pretty girl appeared in each video or picture. Reminding me that I had no good memories that she wasn't smiling in the background of. The one I currently had open was of the time I kidnapped her to Italy in the middle of the school year.

We'd gone cliff diving and she had the camera in her hand recording me as I jumped off the cliff. Coincidently the mini-vacation happened around a month before she was picked as the next person chosen to receive the blessing. When we finally came back to school her parents had been called and to say they were unhappy is a severe understatement, they told the headmaster that under no circumstances did they want us near each other again.

I of course paid the school to leave us alone.

"Don't worry it looks great, habibti," She assured, a giggle in her voice, "Stop chickening out and just jump already," She teased.

Younger me turned around, my faux locs moving dramatically as I shot her a playful glare before flipping up my middle finger. The madness in my mind went quiet as I watched on, listening to us joke with each other as I tied the locs up in a bun above my head. As soon as I was done I inched to the edge of the cliff backwards with a large grin.

"See you at the bottom," I gave her one last look before diving backward, the loud splash I caused being heard shortly.

"Did you guys see that?"

The camera turned to show Cher's pretty face. "Did you see the way she looked at me?" She gushed like it was a secret between her and the camera, "And that bikini she's so so... beautiful," A dark blush formed on her face and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, "Fuck I'm gonna have to cut that part out later," She put the camera atop a pile of clothes and checked to see if it was filming the right before stepping in front of it.

The oil on her long-tanned legs glistened in the hot European sun as she bounced on the balls of her feet before making a run for the cliff. She ran off and curled her body so that she could cannonball into the water.

I didn't realize I was crying until a droplet landed on the camera screen and I was quick to wipe it off. I rewinded the video before pausing it at the second Cher's smile came on screen, it was a chin-splitting one and her eyes sparkled with pure joy.

Her hair was gathered up into a seashell claw clip and she was in the matching bikini I'd bought for the both of us because I'd literally dragged her onto the jet with nothing but the clothes on her back. 

It was another memory that had been buried in the back of my mind but now it was glittering behind my eyelids. Her smile was now burned into me, she was one of the first to look at me like that and in that moment I knew.

I had to see it again.