sensitive topics and scenes in this chapter. please read with caution.

Trudy didn't want to go back to that dark circle, she knew if she relapsed then there was no escape for her sanity this time around.

But when the poor - ridiculously pretty! - maid cleaned up the last cookie crumbles and wiped the chocolate off the luxurious, shiny tiles and left Trudy all alone in her misery, Trudy had nothing else to do. She was still in her hideous yellow dress that fit her awkwardly, kneeling on the ground as her face was ducked in something she had been vulnerable around far too many times - her diamond embellished toilet - and attempting to throw up. Trudy gagged numerous times, but nothing came up other than painful air.

She spit out her excess saliva and groaned, taming down the twists of her stomach. For a second there, Trudy regretted passing the opportunity of food but she would never call that maid again because she needed to make a statement for herself, whatever that was.

Deciding that puking wouldn't help her this time, Trudy closed her fancy toilet and sat on it, her devastated, brown eyes scanning her spacious bathroom for an alternative. Whatever wave of intense emotions and self-hatred was too strong for Trudy and she needed to cope with it fast in order not to be shattered and thrown to the shore like a dead corpse. Her eyes landed on her favorite pair of titanium rasors - perfect! They would be fast, clean, and relieving.

Trudy didn't want any of this, but her memories were too real and raw to contain. She could feel his filthy hands as they slipped their way under the skirt of her Prich Middle School uniform. His face was a blurred mess, but she could clearly see the drops of sweat rolling their way down his forehead. She was about to push him away from her when his face transformed into Justin's much younger face. They weren't fooling around in an empty classroom anymore but in a random room back in Hunter's party. Justin's touches were more urgent and rough, his doe eyes had one doom for her - he was going to rape me!

Trudy fiddled with the razor in her shaky hands, stumbling on how to detach it from all the plastic surrounding it so she could get the depth she wanted to achieve. Holding now the free blade against her wrist, Trudy grasped the weight of what she was about to do. Am I really gonna cut myself? Surely, Trudy wouldn't harm her own body, she was far too selfish for that, but as she applied just a little more pressure, the sleek, sharp blade sinking in her skin just enough to cause a sting but not too much it would cut her, Trudy wasn't so sure anymore.

She knew the pain would be horrible, especially if it was self-induced, the wound would leave some nasty scars, and perhaps she didn't have the guts to do such a thing - but Trudy also knew that she was a bitch who deserved everything, she was a Negro - Trudy sobbed harder, pressing the thin blade deeper to see the first drop of blood at that thought - and she truly hated herself more that her horrendous past. Her social image was ruined, her personality was hostile and guarded, and she had zero friends, so Trudy didn't really care whether she lived or died.

"Trudy?" Sandra barged into Trudy's room, looking for her. "What the hell did you do to the maid? She's crying and-"

Sandra stopped mid-sentense, taking in the horrifying scene in front of her. Trudy felt like flushing herself down the toilet rather than be under the glare of her judgemental sister. She wanted to scream at her to get out, cuss at her even, but just like she was wearing her old clothes, it seemed like she was stuck with her awkward and weak personality as well.

Sandra strutted to her wreck of a sister with a resting-bitch face, although Trudy could detect a worried rush in her steps. Sandra snatched the sharp, titanium blade and tossed it in the sink. "Don't do that," Sandra hissed, disgust distorting her edgy facial features. She looked at the slightest cut on Trudy's skin, holding her wrist and leading her to the sink.

Sandra washed away the few blood drops, shaking her head. "You can't do something so stupid, Trudy," she blamed, "How are you supposed to show off your jewelry or wear your favorite designer items?"

"Y-you're right." Trudy nodded. She was so ashamed of herself now, not believing that she might have seriously hurt herself if Sandra didn't intervene. Trudy looked at her older sister's turquoise blue eyes, her plump lips curled in the slightest smile. "T-thank you-"

"Ugh, don't mention it, really, you're embarrassing." Sandra flipped her blond hair ends, probably regretting her decision of helping. She must be thinking how pathetic and weak her younger sister was and how much better she was. "Besides, what are you wearing? God, that thing is so ugly."

Trudy knotted her eyebrows that weren't plucked in a long time - that and her hideous faint mustache - and crossed her arms, protecting herself. "Why did you do it?" she snapped, "If you're just gonna make fun of me like everyone else then why did you bother? Why didn't you let me finish myself?"

Sandra's face hardened. She stepped towards Trudy, their close faces making Trudy's spit get stuck in her throat. "I was the only person who helped you when you were stuck - be it now or before," she hissed, "Keep that in mind before speaking your nonsense."

"Why?" Trudy exasperated, "You hate me, you made that clear, so why are you helping me?"

"I don't hate you." Sandra's turquoise blue eyes froze in a flash of vulnerability. "You're my little sis, if I don't look after you, no one will."

Well, Eva might, but Trudy didn't want her, she wanted her sister by her side. Trudy's heavy spirits lifted, being replaced by comfort and hope. "Do you mean that?" Trudy hated how insecure and desperate she sounded, but she needed to make sure her sister really cared about her. Maybe then, Trudy would be in peace at last, marveling her sister's love and attention.

Sandra taped her high heels on the marbled tiles - she was fancy in a breathtaking pair of Jimmy Choos unlike Trudy who was horrendous in a lazy Gucci slides. Sandra's confident gaze shifted, showing hesitation and discomfort. Sandra didn't want to answer Trudy's question, because then she would have lowered her standards and showed feelings and - just like Trudy - showing emotion was considered weakness and she wouldn't do such a thing because she was a bad bitch after all.

Sandra bit on her luscious lips - full just like Paige, her mother, but not as plump and defined as Trudy - and busied herself with her neat, golden nails that matched her silky top, complementing her creamy skin beautifully. Trudy thought that Sandra was the only one who pulled off the dark skin so well.

Trudy thought her sister would ignore her question and just walk away until Sandra opened her mouth to speak. "Yeah, sure. Like I said, you're my sister." If Sandra's skin was a bit lighter, then Trudy was sure she would have seen the hint of a blush.

All of Trudy's previous sorrows faded away, now seeming stupid and pity, finding new comfort in Sandra finally sharing some feelings with her. Oh my god, she actually cares. Trudy thought her sister was a cold-hearted bitch who gave no shits other than herself - Trudy aspired to be like that and mirrored her personality - but it turned out that Sandra was a cold-hearted bitch who gave no shits other than herself and her sister. That revelation was all what it took to uplift Trudy's mood up to the sky.

Trudy didn't feel herself as she hurried towards her sister, she didn't know what she would do once she reached her but she guessed she would hug her. Trudy could picture it, the second Sandra would wrap her seductive arms around Trudy's body then all of Trudy's broken pieces would fall into their right places, even mending them intact. Unfortunately, midway through her run, Sandra dodged her and headed for the window that had an exclusive view on the exotic garden that took Paige Harrison years of gardening and a ton of money.

Trudy felt her broken, sharp pieces fall on her tired heart instead, shredding it as well as her ill dignity. What would she lose if she just hugged me back? Trudy knew she was expecting too much from her sister, but it was only a hug. Sandra wasn't a huge fan on physical contact - and neither was Trudy to he honest - but Trudy hoped Sandra would make an exception for her. Trudy took a deep, heavy breath, and faced Sandra.

"Did you hear that?" Sandra was looking out the window, she wasn't appreciation the pretty view of colorful flowers and green plants but searching for something. Her turquoise blue eyes shifted from a spot to another, a glare plastered on her sexy face. "Someone threw a rock at your window - is it a homeless person? Mom said not to give them anything, so you better not have already."

Trudy spotted a very tall, almost creepy, silhouette standing by one of the trees. Despite the darkness outside, Trudy could clearly see the light reflecting on his big, doe eyes. Immediately, Trudy recognized who he was. She stepped away from the window and collapsed on her bed, an annoyed groan leaving her throat. "It's Justin," Trudy retorted, "God, I just wish he gets hit by a car already."

Justin was so annoying - not only was he extremely clingy, needy, and abusive, he was also intruding. He didn't bother a single call after what he did - not that she wanted to hear from him anyways - and now when Trudy was bonding with her only sister - her role model - he just showed up in her property expecting Trudy to come down after he threw a couple rocks at her window. Trudy almost didn't care about the drugging and the incident in the room, all what she cared about was that he deprived her from a hug from her sister. I hate him so much!

"Justin?" Sandra gasped, her fleek eyebrows flying in her forehead. "That's your college guy, right? Justin Harvard," Sandra shook her head, already making her way towards Trudy's bedroom door. "He showed up after what he did to you at the party? Oh, I'm gonna stomp on him with my Jimmy Choo alright."

Trudy followed after her, not knowing what her sister was about to do. She knew Sandra was capable of actually stomping on him if she wanted to. Trudy bit the inside of her cheek, embarrassment flushing through her as she struggled to keep up with her sister's fast steps. "You know about the party?"

By then, Sandra already reached the elevator. Sandra pressed on ground floor button, her narrowed jaw so tight Trudy was afraid it might snap. It was rare times Sandra displayed emotion, so for her to show love and anger in the same night was a bit surreal for Trudy to grasp.

"Oh, please," Sandra's icy eyes glanced at her sister, her tense jaw softening for a millie second. "Everyone knows about the party, it's public news by now."

Trudy nodded, wanting nothing than for the elevator to take her so deep within the earth where she could hide and never show her face again. The elevator then opened its doors, and Sandra stormed away too fast again, Trudy finding it hard to keep up in her misery. Once Sandra got to the kitchen, she opened the backdoor.

Before Sandra stepped out into the night, she looked over her shoulder, stern dominance in her glare. "Stay here."

Trudy listened - she wasn't dumb to disobey her sister's orders. She watched through the glass part of the door as her sister, with so much confidence it was ridiculous, strutted outside. Justin must've thought she was Trudy because he stepped out of his hiding spot and headed towards her. His steps were hesitant once he was close enough to make out her face. He stopped a few feet away, cautiously gazing at the sexy beast.

Trudy stared with awe at the way Sandra stood, the way she talked, the way she affected Justin; he was fumbling with his shirt and gesturing his hands in awkward motions. Trudy only hoped she had the same aura around her. A couple of moments later, Justin was throwing his arms in the air as if he was exasperated or even pleading. He muttered a few last words to Sandra before he sprinted away into the night like the pussy he was.

Sandra was back inside the house. She fished herself a glass and poured some wind, casually leaning on the counter and sipping at the liquid with her seductive lips. Trudy needed a glass of her own but stopped herself since her sister wouldn't allow it - Trudy was only seventeen, four years younger than Sandra.

"What happened out there?" Trudy asked, on the verge of snatching the alcohol and swallowing it with one large gulp.

Sandra shrugged. Since she didn't pour herself alot, she finished her drink after a few sips. She placed the empty cup on the sink, running her hand through her ombre, straight hair and leaving the kitchen. "Let's just say that he won't bother you for a while."

Despite Sandra ditching Trudy all alone in the luxurious kitchen, Trudy was still immensely grateful for what her sister just done. Just thinking about the things Sandra did for her that night alone made Trudy's head dizzy with disbelief. She was happy for once. In fact, she was so happy that she opened the fridge, took out the dinner's leftovers - she hadn't had one in three days - and placed them in the microwave to dive into them and actually feed herself.

Trudy found a pan filled with the hot chocolate that the maid must've prepared for her, a tray of homemade cookies right next to it. To sooth her wait, Trudy poured herself a generous amount of the dark liquid, munching on the deliciously crispy cookies. It tasted so good that Trudy couldn't remember why she deprived herself of such heavenly sweetness in the first place.

Trudy could feel things looking up for her now. She knew that her journey toward healing wouldn't be easy, but maybe if she had Sandra by her side, then it wouldn't be so bad.

i do understand that things got a little intense with Trudy, but it had to be written like that. Trudy is very insecure and twisted, and such complex feelings come from difficult and poisonous thoughts. please take into notice that i'm in no way racist - actually, this book is a proof of that. i wanted to show the ignorant people who don't think twice before spitting hurtful things the impact of the words they say on people. it doesn't matter if what you say is about black people or not, what's rude and inappropriate and disrespectful will always stay rude and inappropriate and disrespectful no matter what - whether you say it in their face, behind their back, or hiding behind a screen.

what you say will hurt someone, so please, be thoughtful before you speak.